The walls of silence

One evening on the beach I found myself lying on my towel, two people who had a place in my memories left to wade in the warm and frothy ocean, to my left, having made the journey with us, there is a girl who, probably not to disclose his shyness, has opened a book; my literary curiosity urged me to start a conversation that will begin with : "Excuse me!, what is the book you are currently reading?"
And the wheels of my brain set in motion, she would probably prefer to talk to a beautiful boy to discover the common ground she could have with him, or maybe she would prefer to laugh with a trusted friend and share some secrets, painful or precious, or again it would be a member of her family that will fit her to make her feel at ease by giving her assurance; finally no words will be spoken and I'll stay lost in my cogitations, while she, turning her back to me, won't deign to give me a glance and I will be in my mind and forever the wrong person.

Life through glass

The panes had melted since the time and their basis had thickened, they were no longer translucent and the dirt cast an opaque veil on the simple people who, shriveled by the cold, extended their step to go back home.

The pain of being Me

I don't know what it is to be enclosed in the thoughts of someone who will confess it to you by any means imaginable, while looking right in your eyes; for that I am a marginal, and seen as having a problem, and maybe i have a problem, ...yeah surely, but what kind and does it may be arranged; maybe i'm condemned, just not shaped to live the experiences that seem so common to everyone, I comfort myself by teaching me (my brain, my habits) that it's my choice and that I could be a bar higher in the evolution ladder, what a ridiculous thought to fool oneself; we say one cannot miss what is unknown, so maybe the evolution keeps me from intolerable suffering who will shatter my heart into millions of pieces allowing each one to taste a part of my bitterness, and if this way I could live like an indolent man or simply rest here where finally my body would no longer be an obstacle and even will be gluttonously appreciated, here the thoughts will no longer poison the way I morbidly chose to exist.

Don't lose time

The true and good feelings that run through our thoughts and makes our body quivering must be verbalized as we are alive, we and the persons to whom those kind words are intended; or you'll live in regrets and frustration.

Listen to your natural needs

A human being has to develop in the direction of his natural needs, do not oppress or attach bad emotions to them; A satisfied natural need brings necessarily welfare.

Affection is part of the natural needs as well as eating and drinking.

(We reflect our acts and conceptualize our world but we're still part of the nature, we're still animals, and we have instincts and natural needs. And the way of the nature is right, the nature do the right things for us to survive.)

look at you now

All these photos are not me anymore, i'm someone new each new day, i'm someone worst, my body rot in the true period of adulthood though my mindset is so childish, i can't bear seeing me decaying, my stomach hurts and i feel bad wherever i go, i consider slowly disapear from everyone, just hide myself in my hole and if the pain in my chest become unbearable i will act to kill it. (feelings at 12H21, saturday 18 of july)

(why is that important?! : because i couldn't imagine to be appreciated, loved; and i will feel inferior to my friends and the people around!)

(the song "running joke" put on a bunch of my photos that's some twisted self derision, what is happening to me.)

A Significant Move

Music

"When I open my eyes I must sigh, for what I see is contrary to my religion, and I must despise the world which does not know that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy"

Beethoven

You'll Never be Young TWICE

"What is he doing?"
"Maybe he erases a sad memory ..."
"Huh?"
"To erase unpleasant memories, you must write them on a sheet. Then you burn the sheet and memories disappear. "

-- I'd like to erase what happened today. --

...

"You are in tenth grade, right? So there is still time. Drop the entrance examination for Ondaï and only play the piano as a hobby. Choose a different path because as a pianist, you will not progress anymore."

Then the girl gives up her dreams to the ghosts of her past and it remains an empty shell, an incompetent zombie, who will spend his entire life in a perfect unconsciousness. All this is an escape from reality.
And the boy who could hear the negative thoughts about him from his fellow students will commit suicide probably the same way. (remember : Jeremy)

We become adults the day we give up the most precious things. We establish a compromise with reality and persuade ourselves to have what we deserve. So is our life: a loss and the illusion of not have it suffered.

what is good?

Each person on this planet could define us, we're not forced to believe them, we have also our perception of them and our perception of us, but in the end which is better to believe in, if we hate ourself why not instead believe in how somebody who appreciate us define us?!

(does i go against all my writings until then by this statement?! maybe..., maybe this would be a change for good... but in this case the harder is yet to do by finding someone who truly, sincerely appreciate us in order to not be fooled, i fear i always doubt and could never be happy by never satisfy my needs... i'm tired and full of hatred... i don't know what to do with myself)

How to fight loneliness

Comment combattre la solitude
Souris tout le temps
Fait briller tes dents jusqu'à l'inutilité
Aiguise les avec des mensonges

Et peu importe ce qui tombera
Te suivra de ci de la
C'est comme cela que tu combat la solitude
Tu ris a toute les blagues
Tire sur ta couverture aveuglement
Rempli ton cœur de fumée
Et la première chose que tu veux
Sera la dernière chose dont tu ais besoin
C'est comme cela que tu combat la solitude

Simplement souris tout le temps
Simplement souris tout le temps
Simplement souris tout le temps
Simplement souris tout le temps

I float but my heart gets heavier

I always regretted leaving the hospital, for a year i made my marks, I was accustomed to this world, this sociéty in the Society, with its rules and codes, I was protected because considered as frail, I was surrounded by people whose job was to listen to me, I could ask for help at any time and help arrived nonetheless as soon as loneliness or despair spoiled my flesh; I was accustomed to this life locked up with my computer, my books and my guitar; but until now i did not understand why I thought of this period with nostalgia; the answer is simple : though I communicated very rarely with others, I was still among them, I could hear them talking and i could saw them moving, crying, laughing, I saw them in their distress, and this crippled humanity swarming around me allowed me in some measure to fight my own feeling of loneliness; now that I am free and nearly all by myself, stuck in my individualist's world, no one is here to see that I wither emotionally, and that loneliness pain my stomach; in this vicious circle between fear and vision of the world how to fight this loneliness?
I think I lost hope a little more every day and my heart suffers induration of my selfish thoughts.

(why this faces; because i thought it was pathetic enough to fit this text; the face i had when the loneliness came, i was about to cry because my stomach hurt)

Masculine desir

"Unable to Musashi to ignore purely and simply the women; the frenzy that their touching had raised in him was slow to subside. The mere memory of the violent white powder scent accelerated his pulse and no mental efforts was able to appease it. Threat more dangerous than an enemy standing before him, with a drawn sword; He ignored how to face it. Later, the body burned by the fire of desire, he was restless all night long. Even the innocent Otsu sometimes became the subject of his erotic fantasies. "

Eiji Yoshikawa - the stone and the sword

(I found this extract quite pertinent knowing that Musashi is on the "way of the samourai" which is the search for knowledge, self-control, dominance of his fears [even death] and emotions, but even the most determined man can't do nothing against the natural need, these primal desirs. )

Doubts

It is impossible not to doubt, knowing that our perception is only a personal interpretation of the things we apprehend with our senses. I think no human being can see things for what they really are, because for my part I believe in an absolute truth.