I don't trust

Because i'm not perfect i can never trust that someone won't ever trick me, fool me, or cheat on me, here's a belief that causes a dilema in me to be happy with people, i get lonely and bitter, i feel abused when i confess, when i share so openly, so heartily, as it's my way to be, my craving to be answered back favorably, to be a subject of adoration, as i myself can adore.
My reasoning is, if i was perfect, physically, mentally, intellectually, spiritually (basically i tolerate my intellect, but i think i'm physically ugly), then people, and the person i choose to be exclusive with, will necesarily think i am the most worthy of their attention and affection, so they will never leave me, that's irrefutable, and that proves that i'm lost in judgments and comparisons, me against other boys, even girls, trying to define who is the most worthy, and which are the ones, and the one that will never betray me, i know that the answer is to accept "what is", my form, my situation, and the people of the world, with their flaws, their own unconsciousness and conditionned beliefs, as we can accept trees and flowers in nature without judging if it is pretty or ugly, "it is" and that's all there is to know, i need to build up my self esteem, re-condition myself, or i would always feel down and doubtful when i disclose, i could never connect, i could never get someone, get someone to love me and trust that.

I want to feel that i can be all to one.                       I want to live a relationship with confidence. 


.........

Here's a motto found by a friend and sent to my cell phone : "I feel crippled because i fear i'm imperfect. I want to be free to be and i accept to be imperfect in the realm of forms."

Without a sight

My fingers were gliding on the curve of my skull, the straw hair becoming more and more scarce, the raspy chin appearing scared up close, the bumps and hollows of temples, but still slick somewhat, and those useless protruding ears, can a bony face be lovable, can the mask of death be seen as something beautiful, something that would deserve to be kept close and cherished in the alcove of stringy arms, stir good feelings in a mind, something which the weight could rest on a cheek, on a belly, or on a lap, and grazed cautiously.

?!

sometimes it seems i feel a space to accept what is, vague and far away.

Innocence

"I don't know how can one walk past a tree and not feel happy for being able to see it. Or how is that possible, speaking to people, not to feel happy and not to "love" them? I always feel happy but sometimes can't show it. Just look at a child. Or look at the good-given sunrise. Look at the eyes that gaze at you and love you. Is that really possible being miserable?"

Myshkin, Dostoïevski's fictional character

I'm not a heap of rubbish that cats can search and rip appart some rotten food to satisfy their unfaithful bellies. I'll kick them away, i'll break their ribs, i don't want parasites, i want on me the gaze of a strong, loveful person.
Down there on earth i speak what i want and what i feel, if it's not matching, i prefere to hear the truth, i respect the choices, but i will discard, push away gently but definitely, and continue my way to the right person. I see too many uncertain persons around me, which leads to misunderstandings and open conflicts.

I can write things like that, i can speak things like that, the fountain will never dry, i will always feel to live things like that, it's in me, incessantly renewed, different and forever passionate.

Innocent musing

Last evening i went for another ride, i took a turn on the pathway of a residence (i like wandering in dead-ends and residence areas because that's where you see people living and leaving marks of their living, sometimes i want to spy on that, and sometimes i want solitude so i ride in woods or empty roads), the sun was drowning behind me, and the sky before me was still a faded blue, untouched, i arrived at the end of the track, above on an edge as a ramp to soar off, i pressed against the fence to contemplate the immensity below, a football field in a hollow, and farther a clean white mansion in the middle of a vast yard, there was graffitis on the walls emcompassing the field, as i approached i knew this new view (i never went there) i discovered was going to illuminate my being, i felt sheer joy, i came close smiling my teeth out, and the music starts playing the perfect hymn for that moment, something calm with accoustic guitars and bells, there's an old lady down the perpendicular little concrete path, she's dressed in black and walking a miniature dog, i stare, i feel so open, i want her to turn her head up to me so that i can say "Hello" and wave my hand cheerfully, even if i don't know her, even if i will never see her again, i watch farther on the other side of the football field and i can hardly observe two forms sat on the grass, side by side, my imagination works and i amuse myself, "are they teen lovers, and they found that tranquil place to watch each other impudently, confess, and kiss, and kiss, kiss, kiss; are they little boys tired to play ball who sat down to have a little chat, and guess what they are going to do next, maybe one will go at the other's house to settle on the couch, drink, eat junks, watch tv or play video games", Oh was it nice!
I saw in my mind places where people go to have fun, the bars, the clubs, the restaurants, the rowdy city, and i thought, "me, i don't want that, no, me, i want to be there, lying down on the grass, sipping tea (or coke), tasting biscuits and fruits, chatting calmly, under the silent sunset, and kissing, and kissing, with you."

That day, a typical day, with its lousiness, idleness, and little knowledge exposed. There's no pretense, fakeness and glitters in my way of living, it's simple and rough, the brutal and lame truth on reality.

11pm - Wake up, turning on the pc and checking the mail and blogs and some random geeky pages (nesblog and cinemassacre), then writing a letter (on internet break, irritated brother, and concepts of love).

12h10 - Cooking meal (sausage, chips leftover and beans, half of a big red sugary apple, coffee, cake and chocolate), eating while watching part of a movie : "My Week With Marilyn" (original version with english subtitles, sometimes pausing to check words on an online dictionary), so like usual taking my time, to eat, watch, feel.
Interruption by my mother, rare enough to be mentioned, ten minutes, all shy as usual she feels uneasy to disturb me during my meal and she says to do as she wasn't here and that i continue to eat before my coffee gets cold, even though i welcome her warmly, i said i decide to be fully with her, it's how i am, and that i invited her in so i don't care to stop my meal, it's my choice to spend that little time with her, i don't do two things at the same time and i prefer to focus on the person i'm with when i decided to meet someone, that's the principle of presence, i don't think she can emotionally understand that as her fear to be a bother is so big, the best i can do is reassure her and be with her calmly and kindly, which i did.

13h45 - Washing the dishes, dynamic brushing of my teeth while pacing around the appartment back and forth to the window (sunny day), peacefully thinking, bathroom.

14h11 - Download of an Eckhart Tolle's teaching, in prevision of an evening ride, (it can take some time to find a video compatible with my downloading software, that's why i check all along the day when i plan to ride my bike in the evening while listening to a lecture, that time it was quite fast, it will be : "Eckhart Tolle/ Stillness Amidst The World")

14h16 - Back to the movie. Such insecurities in that woman, a feeling of abandonment, she's a wounded woman, but she's unconscious that she can heal herself, like most of us, it's sad, and that young guy is a shitbag, too young, not knowing what he wants, playing, pretending, same goes for that marilyn character but in a dramatic way, completely lost, like most running after luxury and physical reassurances, superficiality and disapointments, little girls and boys parasiting each others, the simple brown-haired girl with a slide was the prettiest, nicest and most sincere, used and let down (i'm glad she didn't reply to the invitation of the young boy at the end). (that was my quick reaction to the images, there's things to say about that movie, that shows the unconsciousness of human beings, but eh here it's only cinema).

15h51 - Nap time, lying down on my couch under the blanket, headphones on with in my ears that album by Colour Haze : "Los Sounds De Krauts" (i like crazy rock improvisational psychedelic music, talent, complexity, depth, rawness, wildness, energy, melancholy, life).

16h55 - Waking up. Idleness, opening the shutter, getting to the fridge to get some fresh water, drinking slowly, watching the sun crashing, the natural light going off, the myst rising with a colder air, helicopter noise, people outside, bunch of students walking down the street chattering loudly, a bell ringing from the church nearby (it's five o'clock in the afternoon, darkness is coming earlier and earlier), my reflection in the mirror, i haven't shaved for a week, i haven't showered, my hair are messy, i stink sweat, i'm not dressed, i'm wearing a mix of pajamas and sloppy clothes (hoody), i feel my heart pounding in my chest vehemently, waking up too, my mind starts crying for stimulation, i'm not sore, i say keep quiet, i have time to be active, nonchalantly i put few things in order (my coat was thrown in a corner i hang it in the closet, i close the bathroom door to get rid of the blowing made by the ventilation).

17h18 - I start a new book, Aragon : Le paysan de Paris, i read aloud while walking around, i like hearing the words, i feel it helps to create a duration of the images and concepts in the mind, i practice my diction, it dries out the throat, i've got a bottle of water close to me, i cover the surrounding noises with my voice, it helps to dive down in the story or ideas, and i lean and orientate the pages to catch the changing light as i move, i lift my head sometimes, i breath, i watch outside, i ponder what i read or simply recompose and calm myself before diving again, the sky is always of the most pretty at that time of the day out my window, (the remnant of the sun draws orange and pink hues from below on the clouds, it's like colored strates, so sharp and different, columns, waves and cotton).

17h58 - I hear the laugh of the neighbor, a young student girl speaking on the phone on her balcony, back from her day at the university. The sun is almost done, i want to ride, i want to exhaust sanely, i dress with casual sport clothes today, (i'm just lazy i pick up what's on the floor, what has already been used and will soon need to be washed, but not before many utilisations), sometimes it's jeans, sometimes i made the effort to pick a jogging pants with my grey water and wind proof coat, my weary sneakers and a scarf, i'm dressed like a slob, each time i'm almost shameful to go out like this, i hide in dusk, but i don't understand people who buy the perfect outfit to sweat in and who even put perfume and wash their hair right before going out to practice sport, to drip sweat in their neat and clean clothes, that will be a mess after one hour of activity, all is vanity in that human world, appearance is a master, and everyone is affraid to present an inch of practicality, because i think, yeah, my method, my mind is just practical on this, and i don't care to smell or dress nice if i have to go out for sport because in the end everybody is sweaty and messy.
Ok i'm set, my headphones on, (while pedaling and watching the view i will listen to that Eckhart Tolle lecture downloaded sooner : "Eckhart Tolle/ Stillness Amidst The World"), it's cold outside, it will take a few rounds to warm my mucles, but i feel it, my body wants to work, my mind wants to hear and understand, and my senses want to feel, (pretty lights, air on my cheeks, warmness on my chest and sweat dripping down my back), let's go.

18h16 - Going down to the garage.

19h47 - Back. The night fell during my ride out, i'm all sweaty, my body oozes vapor and warmth, i breath easily, i can ride days and nights, i consume so much energy, i'm a high energy type, in thinking and moving, (that's why i have to take naps), i undress, take off my shirt and get half naked, to allow my skin to respire and perspire, to dry and rest, my muscles are pumped up, i walk slowly to recover some calmness, i feel high, i'm keeping in good health, good shape, sharp and dynamic, i'm strong, thin and muscular, and i like it that way, it represents well my mentality, my way of life, i'd like that someone desires that body, to acknowledge it and touch it, but i wouldn't lend it away so easily, i want to feel too that my being is at peace.

That was a good ride, wild, without rules, with a lot of sense stimulations, smells (the scent of wood when passing along a sawmill, or faint smokes of cooked food going out of open windows) and sights (lights stuck on the ground or high on poles, and the creepy silhouette of mediteranean pine trees like giant and crooked hands over your head coming out of the dark), and also a good teaching, extract :

1:09:09 "The only way love can come into your life is through space, not through form, love has no form, and again in the egoic state love gets entangled with form, so you think you need only this form you love, not realizing that true love is the recognition of the formless in the other, which is the recognition of yourself in the other, and that is inseparable from looking upon the other in stillness, without a form arising and saying 'this is who she is or what she is', and if form still arises in your mind recognize it's only a thought it's not who that human being is, what beauty if you can recognize the formless in form."

20h07 - Time for a shower, it's when i'm really dirty that it's more enjoyable to get clean, even when there's no hot water, again it's mixing practical and the joy i choose to put in that moment. (yeah it's for each one to recognize when one considers himself dirty).
Funny fact i always shake like dogs do when i'm finished showering, to get rid of the more water drops hanging over my skin, so that when i use the towel afterwards it doesn't get all wet and it can dry faster.

20h24 - Done. And changed (i like the smell of clean clothes taken out of the wardrobe).

20h26 - Cooking (sliced carrot with glizzard cooked in the same pan, a piece of cheese, the other half of the apple, cake and chocolate). Eating while listening and secondly watching a video game walkthrough : Resident Evil 6 (a horror game), made as a series by this guy on the net : theRadBrad who is playing and loosely commenting the videos, it's nice to watch the original design, the effort of creating an environment, an atmosphere, the unbelievable (literally) action, zombies and slimy monsters, and learning about that brad guy as he speaks about his life and his girlfriend while playing, i think he is a gentle average person, like most of us, with a small popularity here on the net, but keeping the sincerity of what he is doing in that criticized field of video games, it's light and more enjoyable to me than formated, clean cut series and dramas that you find on tv, that way i practice my english too.

22h16 - Brushing teeth.(not interesting but that's a constant in my days).

22h26 - Time for leisure as i feel i want to play that game i picked up recently : Darksiders 2, such great modelling over the drawings of the famous Joe Madureira (note for later, read the biography and search documentaries about that guy), this is Art for me, plus it's fun to play, (i'm totally not in the world of comics, superheroes and stuff, i just enjoy the creative work of designers, that's why all this is just entertainment to me and so not something i would recommend if you want to know what's touching me deeply, still i can enjoy light stuff like that my own way eh).

1h16 - Stop. Wow! I usually don't play that much, but it's like when i read a book i have to stop at the end of a chapter to be square in my mind, it's like a routine, so that particular chapter in the game was that long and i persisted until i reach the end.
A little pause is needed, walking around, drinking fresh water, taking my eyes away from the screen and washing my face. I know at this hour my brother must be sleeping, i turn slightly down the power of my lamp thanks to a potentiometer, so the light doesn't disturb him by crawling under the door.

1h34 - There's this documentary about Walt Whitman that i saved in my favorites few days ago, let's try it. "Walt whitman : American Experience", i know nothing about him nor about the video makers, i didn't search any informations beforehand.
The images reconstructed are useless and quite bad to me (the images of nature are ok but don't carry much meaning with what is said to me, i like the old black and white photographs), i mostly close my eyes and listen to the english language, there's poetical readings i need to concentrate more to understand it, plus the spanish subtitles can be annoying as it attracts the gaze, but that documentary is only shared in that form so i'll make the best with it, what is said is rather interesting, the story of a place, of a time, of a life.

3h37 - (In the morning) End. Finally i enjoyed it, loose and sexual in the first third, it was emotional in the last, we experience the evolution of a man through time and the insane events caused by the community of Men. Usually i don't watch videos that long in one shot, that time i felt to stay up, it was a valuable trip.

Before going to bed, I take some more time to edit, re-read, and post that text online.
I quickly check my mails, as always, even though i never open anything before lying down, because it's no time to get stimulated, though by checking i do myself a little teasing, i can't resist.

  5h00 (In the morning) -  The bed is unfolded, the light is out, i'm resting on my belly, twisting my head on a side, no pillow. Sleep.

And now i feel to conteract myself, eh, get in line everyone will have his punch to the face, and make place i go first, fuck off! Damn it's great!

it's that time of a year

He is here again, he walks, who wears shorts when it rains, and a sweater tainted with mud, so full of his concepts it is said, try and fall, try, try and fall, strip yourself out of it and laugh, life is in touching the raw wood, sculpted with chisels and saws, in the slashes the sap has shimmers of blood, and it smells like it could make you feel dizzy, turn your head up, close your eyes in that solitary forest, it's fresh and your cheeks are pink, Is that random if you go out when people shelter in, except those few other originals, that man in white shirt stuck like a stake under the fleeting rain, that woman in a black coat, reading, her head with mirroring glasses hid in the den of a huge hood, at the meeting moment he was staring and smiling, filling by a rush of excitment, to be here, safe, far away, striped and drenched, in the honesty of nobodies, that's what living is to him, not poisoning his body and soul with stale and sour embodiments, he knows there's nothing to seek, that week is for him, and even if nothing happens, there's a joy in what he loves, the simple, the rough, the dirt, the enticing, the lonely, the ethereal, the caring that is inside.

I'm cheap and there's no purpose, there's news and i wanted to write, this is a puzzle, because for now i can only share in puzzles, it doesn't show realness, reality is much more stark, and i'm ok with mine, that's a small and useless show, i'm not a right suitor, i'm the outsider, the scavenger, the bully of relations, the prince of void proposals, but i can't say, i can't say, because there's nothing to be said that will nourish people to their core, so it's not you it's me who cares.

(that's a random writing, i wanted to write, i thought to share that with you, [that last phrase is serious, eh, you noticed], i somewhat feel guilty that i impose my ramblings on you, sometimes i question myself if i had credits on my phone will i feel to write little notes randomly throughout the days?, loving and philosophical notes like teenagers send their hollow moods, i will be like an annoying fly, but there's a tide in me that makes me come back over and over to your feet)

"Hey, let's synchronize"

Here, no need to feel ecstatically motivated, it will works even with a little tiredness, on those grainy stones defining the bank of the lake, the air is calm, we could hear an accoustic tune, a soft high-pitch voice singing the idleness of our minds, the cackling of swans, ducks and geese slowly fainted with the dusk coming, sat on those rocks dressed in casual shirts and sandals, boots for me, the last remnant of the heat of the day cocoons us and puts asleep our flesh, we're satiated, we watch, indolent, we blend in the colored lights of the city poping out and spreading a blurry luminous smear on the still water in front of us, do you see that dark steeple rising behind the patch of trees, a spiky silhouette, and the fuzzy intense light oozing from a football stadium, we could almost hear the clamor and the gasps of the players training this evening, the clouds are low but not oppressing, more like a soothing haze, giving bumps and dents, sculpting the sky, showing a palette of glassy blue and grey, a blanket, a tender lid over that moment that is as much transcendantal as it is uneventful.

Picture me with a shaved head, my escape, will it become isolation, or my salvation, the rejection of the world or its acceptance, a change of image, will it be ultimately a complete detachment of the form, the destruction of that image, the realization that i don't need it and that some people think like that too.