Hindsight from a past pain

I know now why people always seemed to fear me when i was growing up, it's because i always let them a place to be when communicating with them, i was fully present and sharing my truth, but without feeding their ego need for recognition, and attention, i was preserving my unicity, i was saying what i felt personally, intimately, in my mind the purest and most authentic way to share with someone, telling what i feel, my opinions and thoughts, and not trying to please or go in the other's direction to get something out of him, like most of people do, the ego wants something out of the other or it's not interesting and it falls into indifference, i always let people a place to be themselves around me but if they don't know who they are, then they don't know what to be, they are unconscious of their own power to be real and happy right now, and that respectful place becomes a danger for them, they fear to be nonexistent, they fear to die, at the time i was thinking, confused : "I don't understand, i want to communicate and i'm completely real but still they flee me, they are affraid of me." Now i know, i won't be hurt by those reactions, and i know my need of attention was coming from the ego, i have the power on myself now or slowly getting it.

Funny truth about gossips and the functioning of the ego

"Whatever is the behavior shown by the ego, the hidden form motivating it is always the same : the need to distinguish, to be special, to have the control and the attention, the need for power, the need for more. And, obviously, the need for a sentiment of division, of opposition, the need to have ennemies."

Eckhart Tolle

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In the recognition of what is fake there's already the birth of what is true.


For example, you're about to tell someone an event happened recently.

"Guess what? You don't know it yet? Let me tell you?."

If you are vigilant enough, you could maybe notice in you a brief sentiment of satisfaction right before telling your story, even if it's bad news. This feeling comes from the fact that during a short instant, for the eyes of the ego, there is an imbalance in your favor between you and your interlocutor. During this brief instant, you know MORE than him. The satisfaction you feel comes from the ego et from the fact that your (fake) sentiment of self is stronger than your interlocutor's. Be him the president or the pope, you feel superior in that moment because you know MORE. This is why a lot of people like to talk gossips. Moreover, gossips allow to add an element of criticism and malicious judgment on others, which also reinforce the ego by the implicit but imaginary mental superiority which is there each time you judge someone negatively."

Eckhart Tolle

The ego functions on a matter of "more or less" than the others, searching to compare you, making you feel inferior or superior, and obviously all this reasoning by the ego is wrong and won't allow you to be at peace within yourself, satisfaction through judgments and unstable non-lasting objects or acts never stay, it's a short lull before falling down again and feeling constrained to seek for MORE, this is the ego.
Reality is that you can be, and be peaceful with yourself right now.

More about conscioussness

Behind every fear there's a desire which is the opposite of that fear (ex : i'm affraid to be rejected, i have the desire to be accepted), but this way always linked to the pernicious ego, because if someone had the conscioussness of his own worth simply in the fact of being, that the source of all energy is inside each one of us, then there won't be any fears and any contrary desires associated, there will only be the knowledge deep inside us about what we feel is pleasant and beautiful, with the respect of everthing else and being open to discoveries without fearing to lose oneself or die, because what we are is already inside us, formless and powerful.

Do you seek for peace or drama? (approximate translation)

"You want peace. Everybody want peace. Though there is something else in you that wants drama, that wants conflict. Maybe you can't feel it at that time and you'll have to wait for a favorable situation or even only a thought who will trigger a reaction in you : someone that is accusing you for this or that, who doesn't say hello, who invades your territory, who questions how you do things, a disagreement about money, etc. Do you feel the huge wave strongly surging in you, the fear, hidden maybe by anger or hostility? Do you hear your own voice becoming abrupt, strident, louder or deeper? Do you succeed at observing your mental pedaling to defend its positions, justifying itself, attacking, saying reproaches? In other words, do you succeed in awaking yourself in that moment of unconscioussness? Do you feel that something in you is at war, something that feels threatened and that wants to survive at any cost, something that needs dramas to affirm its identity of victorious character in that theatrical production? Do you feel that something in you prefers to be right than to be at peace?"

Eckhart Tolle

This is the ego, your true identity is beyond.

There's no negative experiences, even in an uncomfortable situation, if we know how to detach ourselves and observe what is. In the end, when conscious, nothing can really hurt us on our deepest level, there's no reason to reconsider what is already perfect. Nothing is serious, no event of life.

A Change

I got rid of the "dramatically" in my thinking, now stays the "intensely", the "passionately" mainly, and it's so much more relaxing and pleasant to see life with that openess, i still use sinister antitheses and the words of doom, but i'm conscious of it now, i'm not controlled by my sad thoughts anymore, i took some distance and i still like to play with it, but i'm the master now.

(Here's my pet "you're an ugly worthless man" thought,

come here, 

puppy,

tss, tss

puppy, puppy, puppy

yeah good boy!

Oh! and here's "you're unworthy of love"

come give daddy a kiss,

yeah good puppy,

see you around boys, i've got bigger fish to fry,

litterally,

ah ah ah

...

that's a change of pace!

oh no, "you're helpless" don't bite me,
don't...
such a wound,
sometimes, i can't lose so much blood.)

tranquil ubiquity

The room is dark, i'm standing in front of the window, perfectly still, thinking, outside it's mayhem, i can hear the wind roaring vehemently, monotonous and regular blasts, cutting through the incessant rain, falling fast, hurling drops on the panes, splashing all over, like a warning, a threat, defying people to go out, antennas and cables are swinging, whipping insanely around, and loud noises are reaching me sometimes, a breaking pot, a shutter flapping on a wall, a vibrating gutter, under that sky uniformly blank, dismal, everything is going mad, and i'm fronting that tumult, behind the glass, in the shade of my little room, and i wonder what will someone think to have a glimpse at that picture, a man, motionless, in the dark, staring at a storm, i figured it's a gloomy setting, a scene preceding a suicide in a film, and no one would want my place, but me, i was peaceful.

Ego garbage and something to connect us all

Beware about "i like ..." " i don't like..." those are ephemeral forms, identification to things prone to change, like your body, like the volubility of our thoughts, it's inconsistent, like fashion, if you think that's what you are you'll be inconsistent too, and you'll begin to miss and to search for more, it's the same with the fake love for someone, if it's painful it means you identify too much and don't evolve with the respect of your inner being. Keep that in mind, nothing is serious, no thoughts is to be taken seriously, no orders, no mass morals, this is not serious, this is ponctual and useless, created only to control, someone with full consciousness don't need rules or identifications to find a lasting peace in himself, others will go from one little satisfaction of the ego to another, always dropping down hard, hitting the pit of sadness, regularly, because nothing is ever enough in this world of desiring the icons, thinking that a t shirt with a logo on it makes yourself a better, a cooler person, honestly think about that, this is untrue, like the thought that you are incomplete when you're not with that special person, this is a desperate cry of the ego, the fake self, the greedy one, that the master brains of this society know how to use, how to trigger, you most of you, you walk into it, you wish to own, more violently, to possess, hence iconic objects or the body of a particular type, on that road you'll never be satisfied, the ego will ask more and more, identifying each time then ending disapointed simply because this is not what you are, "i like... " and "i don't like..." is not what you are, wake up people, open to your consciousness, you are strong inside, and already beautiful enough, you can live for yourself and with the perfect bond with any other awaken human beings, this is the ultimate solution for mankind to continue to live, in peace and help, respect and acceptance, the advent of a new way to be, following what is real, sturdy and still in everyone of us, living for peace and love, unconditionally.

(It's healthier wanting to create a connection with a person because you sincerely want to know her than because you feel she is a part of you that you painfully miss when she's not around, so you run after a part of yourself in fear to die and not because you value the other and really want her close. That's the difference between respecting a person and falsely identifying to her, and in my case love from respect is so much stronger because endless and real, in that state we feel we can share everything with the person, no secrets, no contained emotions, we are in peace with ourselves, ready to share it all safely, and that balance exists, every communication is a suject of joy because it's the most honnest sharing.)

respect + acceptance = true love

complete, within, free,

that's how i envision it

to oneself first then to others

Some lines from Kurt Cobain (coming from my recent watching)

"Most of the lyrics are just like contradictions and..., i write a few sincere lines and then i have to make fun of it with another line..., i don't like to make things too obvious because if it is too obvious it gets really stale, shouldn't be in people's faces one hundred percent of the time..., we don't mean to be really cryptic, you know, or mysterious, i just think that lyrics that are different and kind of weird and spacy paint a nice picture, you know, this is the way i like art."

"I would like to think there's some purity in this, yeah, naive, purposely naive."


and that part where he says, no matter if you don't know how to play as long as you do it with passion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNMuFotUTbI

common mistake from a lack of self love

You push people to love you, desperately, anyone getting close desires you, you make it that way, because you can't love yourself enough so you need their love to give you substance, you give your body, you submit your mind, you do unfathomable compromises, but then you are disapointed, sad, and you reject them, because you realize very few can match you, very few really accept and wish to understand you, that you're not real with them, wearing a mask, putting a false attitude is so tiresome. This is what happens to those who seek acceptance in the others, the correct answer is to find peace in oneself, and all is there, love, acceptance and respect.

Space

Writing has no sense when we can speak

What's the purpose to dream when we can live

I can't come up with something better because there's no form anymore, this is perfect and there's a place to be for all next to me, the wicked and the vile, and you all in your fright.
The beautiful and simple you.
But you have to understand it to be able to share it with me.
Come.