To now, then nigh, and null (facts of the week)

I want to sit on a different chair, see a new interior, feel a new atmosphere around me, enjoy that peaceful time, (safely, with someone?!)

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I can get seasick only by focusing on my heartbeat. It's so strong, i'm shaking.

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I need to smell something nice, like a fresh towel or a flavored tea. The bark of a tree, the rain on the pavement. The perfume on my hands after i touched someone.

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"No one moved me like..." -dying of a disapointing life-

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I want to embrace you in my arms! Cloudy sky with gutter hues, wandering image, windy vast area of wet sand, the many ruffled plants on the endless dune, even you wreckage of an old rusty boat, i want to hold you tight!
(there's always a picture to go with words, if you want to keep the one your mind has created reading this then don't watch that Link [i just love the image])

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I was made to be externally poor because i'm rich inside, there's always two faces on a coin.

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We all are superficially beautiful once! Then it fades and those who are weak inside experience dreadfulness until they discover the unchangeable beauty of their inner being. An awakening which for many never occurs in a lifetime.

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Nevertheless, right now, today, whatever love has no grip on me.
Discouragement and unsatisfaction fill me. (the only cause is the lack of sleep, my own fault)

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What do you think i write to others?!

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I'm tired of those people of my entourage with no personality (so fearful about themselves that everything is a secret to store in their shell, most of the time unconsciously), and one has to be strong to face me, i long to encounter someone in which eyes i won't read (project) my ugliness and my oddity. I can't give them the security their frightful ego asks for, peacefulness and happiness is to be responsible only for oneself, if they don't want to share why are they asking me to meet them.
Watch out!, by chance, here comes an ambitious one, pulling my arm and flapping her eyelids!
But i'm still cold.

( "Here comes one tough cookie!" they say about her,

But I 

am still starving.")

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I'm healed through analysis, thinking and reasoning, by communication, leading to consciousness, because for now i don't have spontaneous consciousness, i need to understand to reach it. Talking heals.

(parenthesis : New MailBox)

New mailbox : tremor_christ@voila.fr

The old one was hacked and closed, i can't read anything from it since a bit more than one week, and i'm too lazy to go through all the tedious steps to get it back.

the constant cheater is the sanest way

What is the most intimate : sharing intellectually the real nature of your inner being or the body?, who said physicality should be indecent and tamed away in human's relations, interactions, more than intellectuality and the disclosing of the deepest thoughts and personal stories hanging around in a mind? who decides?; To me there's no difference, we all have one mind and one body put together, that is who we are, so it's pointless to be ashamed of one part or another, to live peacefully we have to accept our real being, with thoughts, ideas, opinions and stories, that is inside our body, with its shape, silhouette and unique features, we accept who we are and interact with the world and people out there freely. So, does that mean, when i talk sincerely, with open heart, as it's my way to be one and true, to a girl, i am cheating on my girlfriend?, cheating on her intellectually. Think about it and you'll see it's not so different, so we should accept we are only responsible of ourselves, exclusivity doesn't exist, when you are fully unified in yourself. A naked body isn't more obnoxious than a naked mind, as they try to make us believe, just being one and free is beautiful.

the abject affective dependency

I see people and their affectations, and it pisses me off, their glances and contained smiles, they look so shy, as if they were shameful to be attracted or to feel something about attraction on one another, as if it was unatural (No it's not!), and i can tell they are already lost, in thoughts and projections, imagining ideal situations and ideal personalities, already changing theirs to please, they don't know what they want really and are planing what to do and how to adapt. Damn! just define what you feel and think, and go for it, how would you know what's real if you don't go as the real you, with no expectations and no disguise, i guess most people have an affective dependency, they crave to be loved and are ready to anything only for that, even to lose themselves. It shouldn't bother me because i know what i like and i know to disclose what i feel, i can read people's mind with the help of their movements, but those people hit my hardest wound, that i haven't overcome yet, they can manipulate others unconsciously, that's the saddest, by saying "i love you", "i'm interested in you", while it's only a crush, they fool themselves and the others, misguided by their desperate need to please and lack of self knowledge. So stop the fluttering and say straight what is it you are, that's the only way to get close to people you can really like, except that the other has to be frank like this too, and that's where the doubt comes and i feel threatened, i know i'll be honest but i can't be sure that the other is too, and not sadly, unconsciously misleading himself and me in the process.

I don't want to feel disposable.

How do people do?

That's twice that year, i have a girl in front of me, the moment is intimate, a night sky, an isolated place, maybe the sound of a stream of water flowing nearby, calmly, we talked for hours before that moment, easily, emphatically, we had some few drinks too, a connivance is here, getting stronger and more intense after each revelations and stories we shared, we smile at each other, for real, i feel their warm bodies getting closer to mine, searching contact, with fleeting hands, lingering on my back, on my thigh, gliding langorously, the bright eyes are calling me, and the message is clear, no mistaking, i just have to bend over and pick them, hold them like a delicate flower, and i know for sure that's what they expect, an everlasting desire, beyond a replaceable body, we shared mind intimacy, what's labelled "personal secrets", in complete trust, and that's already a zone where even some married persons never went, in few meetings i went with those girls where many people can't go in twenty years of living together, i can feel they are mine, they are surrendering, they are dying for that moment where i'll grab their waist and kiss them tenderly, everything swirling in the heat of passion,... so... with my sensitivity, my shrewdness, i noticed the signs, i read their mind, but that's too obvious, and when i try to feel, when i start to imagine the movement, and them melting in my arms, i feel nothing, i don't feel to act, me i don't have that desire, i don't give in to their appeal, that cry for love, while i know it's genuinely me and not anybody else they want, in that bursting moment, i feel no desire, twice that year without searching it, only being me in front of someone i met, am i broken, not in phase with my animal part despite having no taboo about intimacy, am i too selective, too much aware, or am i wanting, waiting unconsciously for "the One", how do people do?, making it out so superficially, sometimes even with persons they aren't even attracted to.

How
do
people
do? 

For everyone peace

All the negativity people talk around, on each others, criticism and disdain, is only to reassure themselves, in their ego, and is in fact a proof of fragility. Once you get that into your mind you see how much people are weak in themselves, how they are lost, not knowing where they stand and who they are, so no need to take bad talk personally, it's always about the insecurity of the person fuming out on a moment. They are more to be pitied, and simply need for their trouble to be  acknowledged. Just don't feed the anger of someone and lead the situation to a conflict by taking the inner problems of someone onto you, but instead listen peacefully and distance yourself.

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"Of course everybody has certain roles to play in this life, but to believe that's who you are, to be identified with that, that's a terrible prison, bondage."

(you can honor the roles without believing that's who you are, you can honor being a mother without this concept occupy your mind totally. Otherwise you will be a mother for the rest of your life and your children will remain children to you. An you always know better, and you tell them what to you, you are trapped in the role. Conditionned roles given by society. Identification to thoughts, which is never enough for the ego, the fake self, never at ease, or fullfilled, at peace for very long, then you fall back to the lack and suffering.)

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Objects i could tell

The things that are in my room, pinned to the walls, exposed on bookshelves, laid casually on the desk, (among the dust), all have a story, a memory attached, more or less emotional to me, nothing was bought only to decorate, i like to be surrounded by depth and meaning, i like to know why it's there and how it came to me, i enjoy knowing the adventures of how those objects reached me, it's not their shape or their value, beauty comes with the sharing of a past, but i don't need to remember it constantly, i don't dwell in it, i simply need sense and emotions in my life, to settle to what triggers me, consciousness and significance.

some of it :

a giant pink floyd poster

a square of cloth with bart simpson on it, (red veins were drawn in his big "bulby" eyes)

broken and twisted guitare strings, (a collar was made out of it)

old torn tickets from many concerts

little basketball figurines

postcards and books (some are the dearest to me)

an empty bottle of Ramune

flyers for a concert for My band eh eh

a Kronenbourg bottle of beer untouched

a little spiraling seashell

many pieces of paper

a raging hounds painted skateboard

a faded photo from an aquatic theme park

photos and letters

a box of cuddles

so on and more to come...as i feel it along my way, naturally from the present, and remember that objects and emotions aren't who we truly are.

School

I'm walking the floors of a dormitory accompanied with a friend. We are on the area of a big university, visiting another friend who enrolled one week ago. He's not in his room upstairs, male students are watching at us inquiringly on our path, i'm ok because i have that goal to find my friend but it's like i'm out of place, like i have no pants on, i'm not a student. On our way down we meet him at last. He seems very happy and smiling a mile. The three of us we decide to go outside and he starts telling us how it is here. He says he just met two girls and get to an intimate level with them, but that he coudn't "get hard", (i know he is [was] a shy person, so i'm thinking in myself that he will need some time to get used to the promiscuous way of that place), he seems so happy, like he found his dream place, and already imagining all the easy pleasure to take ahead, no more pain, just experiencing all that he wants. We finally sat on the yard right outside the building, my friend is still speaking with enthusiasm and showing us that there is a part of the yard where students meet freely, anybody with anybody, whoever wants, to have open sexual intercourses on the lawn. In front of us, right in front of the building, many naked people are calmly touching and holding each others, you pick a partner, you pick a patch of grass and that's it, you do whatever you want, no restraint, accepted open lecherous intimacy. It's normal here, it's the way.
Dusk is coming, it's late, so we are all heading, in a pack, toward the dining room on the first floor. Everyone is so calm and smiling. We bump into two girls. My friend recognizes them, they are the two from the afternoon. They start talking warmly, easily. My other friend is following them as they sat on a stone bench. I stay behind, observing, distancing myself, still without judging. Everyone is so natural and not making me feel like i'm an outsider, i'm mainly ignored, and my mind is not set on taking part in any action. This naturally the two girls practice a fellatio on my two friends, heartily, meticulously. Some people around still engaged in sharing affection, smiling casually, respectfully, it's all natural here.  My second friend, outsider like me, begins to have that smile too, he's enjoying the freedom of the place.
Finally everyone is inside, except us, and we see workers and teachers carrying in many large somptuous plates with a lot of seemingly delicious and sophisticated food, in a row, smiling cordially, they are going down the light slope, cheering at us while they go to come inside to eat, to enjoy all the great pleasures.
My two friends follow them to disapear through the main door. I start to feel naked again, until then i was calm, observing the attitudes plainly. I stay behind, almost everyone has entered the heavily lighted building, and the last carriers ask me fondly to follow them inside, to let myself enjoy the many pleasures, and all seems so easy indeed. Politely, nodding my head, i wave off the invitation and soon i'm the only one under the wide night sky, sitting on the small wall marking the east boundary of the yard.

Something moving

  Hence the importance to communicate and stay real in the present, to act and not react, to go to what, who, where, we feel we want to go!