The Communication and me

I can't lead a conversation, I only know how to reply with all my sincerity, because I don't want to impose anything to the Other, and simply starting to develop a subject without knowing if the person in front could have any ideas of what I say is, to me, imposing oneself; So if no one does the first step towards me then I would stay away in my solitude as an observer; Another problem arises : I feel no interest in talking about trivial things, the things we discuss when we try a conversation with someone unfamiliar (which is normal because as we don't know him we have few subjects and few grips to share, just what is around us like the weather), being very bad to pretend, my greatest emotions occur in sharing feelings and perception, an exchange of the vision of the world; but here how it works : if there is no trust then there is no real communication, the problem is that everyone is aware that from trust born betrayal, so people are afraid, they are constantly on their guard when they speak to unknown persons. All this seems cruelly play against me and it also seems that in the current workings of things I am doomed to loneliness.

Fun in my space

i crush the myth, i look different in this one, im old and untidy, i see my age, i can be like that, (i wish i have your age, if i had your age i could dream of you)

Funeral

My greatest fear is : not being the right person, not being the right person at the right place at the right time, and finally to be for this reason rejected by others. So I decided I won't give a fuck and just do what I feel, but apparently I have some ideas and behaviors so marginal that nobody can understand me, obviously if no one understands me then I will be alone, I will try to find reassurance by telling me that they are wrong and it is better to be alone than badly accompanied.
But I don't want to turn crazy and I know one day I'll need others.

I had this vision a few times, I walk into a long narrow street, it's dark, the streetlamps spread a dim yellowish light, in that semi darkness i come closer of a group of young people forming a small circle on the sidewalk; A young girl in the group faces me and sees me coming, then she made me a sign by a delicate and timid swinging of her hand, I think I don't know this person but since one seems to show me some interest I walk closer, I have this feeling that one wants to ask me the time and I prepare myself mentally in this way, just reach my cell phone in my bag, press the button, read, then give the time indicated, it seems easy; Here i am at sight distance where each face painfully goes out in the feeble rays but is distorted by the poor contrast between lights and shadows; I am near now, I stop and i hear say : "ehm no, it's nothing!" followed by a scornful chuckle at the same time she puts her hand over her mouth to rudely wipe this grin while turning her head toward her male acolytes; I escape with long steps, I flee, I want to be striked down in the instant, i want to die, but by pride I would keep composure and leave with my chin up walking calmly without looking back, and I know I will bear all my life to be the wrong person.

Ideals

I want to enjoy all the places, i want to lie down on all the grounds i could think of, i want to feel the shape of things under my fingers, the hard grainy dusty roads, the black or white sand leaking in my hand, the prickly couch of a forest, the smooth hardness of rugs in every houses, the fresh grip of a river bed, the sticky touch of an overheating body, the itching caress of grass in parks or fields, i want to lean on trees and walls, i want to dive in every water, covering my eyes with mud, rinse my sins in crystal clear waterfalls, scrape my back on the bark of welcoming trunks, feel all the smells and find them interesting, i want to love all the places i lie down on and feel loved in return, accepted, and rest, and rest, and rest...
I want to look right and left, at the stones, at the clouds, the weaving clouds, the sky, at the superficial, the filthy, the soft and natural, the skin, the greenery, the bad, the soothing, i want to feel it all and be at home everywhere, i want to be nice and experience it all.
And rest, and rest, and rest... in peace for eternity.

Unconscious opposition of the individual conceptions of the world

If we were sure of ourselves : sure of what we are and what we believe, our values, our ideas, all that shape our individual interpretation of the environment in which we live, then we would not need a particular place to possess to call "home" in which we rest, we would be at peace everywhere; it seems to me there is a confrontation between our vision of the world and those of people around us, our desire to be right in what we are, our choices, our ideas (which form our unique and personal vision of the world, [I am repeating myself to underline the extremely individual nature who inevitably must exist within each one of us, so that we have the impression of being unique and to live by the mere fact of Being]), that is this perpetual opposition, even unconscious, between the different interpretations of the world from each human mind that ultimately exhaust us all moraly and we seem to fight, everyone without exception, to protect our "ego" to preserve what we believe we are in an idea of integrity.

Important note: All that we see is an interpretation of our brain, our environment is part of our judgement.

Choices and Passions

"I am torn between love and self-discipline. It seems that I follow two paths at once. Yet, when the paths diverge, I always manage to keep myself on the right ... I know myself better than anyone else knows me. I am neither a genius nor a great man. "

Eiji Yoshikawa - the stone and the sword

(I think this is something common to all humans, we are driven by our passions, but we have our own beliefs and sometimes the two are opposed.)

Merely

98.5% of the mass of the human body are represented by only six elements: oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, phosphorus.

Going out of the "black"

There are those moments when you feel tired and you turn around in your apartment without being able to start any activity, even watching a movie becomes tiresome, the very environment of this apartment becomes tiring, and that's why you can't lie down to rest; In those moments, when I fell fragile and like in a dead end, I think I should go out find a nice place under a tree, near a pond, in a Park, all that in one or farther and simply lie down, I have the idea that it will calm me and help me to gather my mind, I'll wake up with more energy and a better mood, without having the impression of being buried , stucked in the void of my solitude represented by the room I live in. Or perhaps ..... we simply must find something strong enough to awaken our emotions, for our body to have desires again (not something intellectual, we need something that is of primary needs, maybe this is why many women tend to have snacks when they're bored, eating is a primary need, like breathing, drinking, sleeping, hygiene, activate).

Today

Today,(Tuesday 4 of august 2009) is a beautiful day, you have my salutation. "Hi how are you!"

Hegemony of appearance

We can like ourself only if we please to others, if others send us only negative signals about us, our self esteem will be low and we couldn't bear our image; for the self-esteem to raise we have to please to ourself and to please to ourself we must please to others, it's a vicious circle. Ultimately our self-esteem totally depends on the judgements of others, anyway; moreover pleasing to others is a preliminary condition to fill a natural need, I don't mention sex for pleasure but the need of affection as an instinct for the survival of the species.
Along my life i developed a way were i give more importance to intellectual understanding, and I know that I am very afraid of the emotions I could feel face of a physical contact.
When I watch a movie and there is a kissing scene I look away because I feel that this adds nothing to the story and therefore has no interest; I also think that most people would consider me abnormal by being so affraid of that.

Perception of the End

I'm so scared of myself that I can't be around anyone and no woman can touch me; when, according to my perception, there will be no hope anymore of being loved by myself and others , then it will be time to "go".

If I am self-centered and that I cruelly lack of self-confidence, is it antithetical?!


(Are these series of pictures a process of reassurance for me?!)

Process of my fall

In the process of analyzing my current state I think I experience a loss of something valuable, which weighs on my low self-esteem; When I was little my hairs were so long that I was mistaken for a girl, so I was marginal and rejected at school and out of my home too, I didn't went unnoticed, adults mentioned my look, they always had a comment to make on my appearance and these so long hairs, while the kids my age seeing the difference were just trying to avoid me; I build myself anticonformist, with a strong personal vision of things; at home my father criticized me with no rest, saying that I was "resembling to nothing" and calling me a "tramp", maybe in rebellion against his authority and against the other individuals of this planet who mocked me openly and insidiously, I kept my hairs very long very late; maybe for me these long hairs are the symbol of my personality, of my individuality, of my battle to exist and to be accepted as I want to be; ... but now, this is the end.

Quest for salvation

I know all is to know to be respectful, to cope with the whole universe and his inhabitants, but it's my insignificant self who always brings my down, i hate so much being stuck in that shell, where's the savior, who will hopefully throw a hammer at my head, i just need to sleep till the end.

(i don't write this to get anything, i just know this thought is the source of all the pain to be me, that's true and i note my truth on this blog; tonight at this exact moment i just can't bear it anymore, please someone just lock me away, i have to much hate now. )

I was out in the rain this night, i was fool, i was frantic, and i know that writing, like a catharsis, helps to soothe, to remove part of the morbid feelings.