flash of lucidity...

i know what's going on

i know what's going on

i know what's going on

i can't stop it

i'm uninterested

my chances of salvation are fading away

Closeness, all cut and torn, it's falling slush today!

I say to myself "Drift away!"
Stop holding that cord
Have you so much will to suffer
What are your choices
The more you think the more you want to die
Stab the snakepit
This life's a (senseless) tragedy.




(i need affection... affection is not making love, it's crying in someone else's arms safely, i'm so fragile lately, what thought will keep me strong)

Scramble

Where are you
Don't you want to talk
Who will awake me instead of teasing me
I fear of being hurt whatever i do, whatever i check
Pretending to smile was a burden
But the words disapeared
I'm open
And no one listens

this wound pulls me to agony

i don't know, really

"...
...
...
...
...

...


Is it just me, or is it

just us

Feeling lost in this world?

Why do we have to hurt each other?

Why do we have

to shed tears?

Life can be beautiful if you try

Life can be joyful if we try

Tell me

I am not alone

Tell me we are not alone in this world fighting against the wind

Do you

remember the time when simple things made you happy

Do you remember the time when simple things

made you laugh



You know life can be simple

You know life is simple

Because the

best thing in life is yet to come

Because the best is yet to come"

Exposure

My writings are lame to me when it's too fresh, the images of reality still vivid in my mind overpower whatever i could write of it, obviously reality is the best, i transcend my feelings along it, what runs through my body at the moment i live is way beyond any attempt to put it on paper or draw words on, i have to let it slip away, a little or longer, lose the state, fall back in waiting and triviality, then i can read it again and its strenght takes over me, i'm inactive but i live anew the scene, i regard it smart in the details, sharp in the senses, pretty in the accuracy, profound in the meaning, and a small slice of the intensity shakes me out of the bordedom, it's almost insignificant compared to the initial feeling but i have a better view on the difficulty to write something deep and moving, and if, me, usually so critic on everything i do, i can, even slightly, pull me out to praise, cast a little shine on my self perception then i'm glad, i'm not totally useless of transcribing my fellings into words.
What i wrote is mainly strong and edgy, violent and tense, dark and touchy, i think, but i swear to everyone reading me, what's in my head, what pounds my muscles when i feel is way beyond of anything i can lay down in black letters.

My feelings are too strong that's why it spills over and i display it with all the means to my disposition, playing tricks and control, but keep in mind people that it's hard for me to confess and that what goes through me is stronger and higher than what it seems, if you think my writings already go too far, just imagine where my mind goes when i feel directly on the moment, love and hate are the two wings of my swirling torments.

a Vision of Self

Speeding on my bike wraped in my scarf as a larvae in a cocoon, through that holy moist night, i experienced the taste of liberation, not from you love, but from long-time dwelling demons, crawling proudly inside, the discomfort of my frozen ears and crying eyes for the cold didn't get me astray, i chased cats along the way, i stopped to watch them roll in the gutter with the imperious feeling to reach and touch, give myself all in a conniving moment, i smiled timidly to my neighbors always lowering my head but with a different heart this time, as if i wasn't so troubled by the interaction, as if for once i kept myself one in front of the other and didn't project my vision into them, i was pedaling energically and imagined i could be a good writer, it whiped me, so true, so possible, tonight during that incongruous ride, i knew my process of creation and acceptance, the personal acts to perpetrate the goodness, i knew i could find myself, not being so embarrassed in front of the world, not shatter to pieces, but strong and sure, so sure of what are my goals and what i am in my entirety.

Crying for

when someone reveals to you, you have an opportunity, and those who are deprived of that attention, for whatever reason, hold on to that new possibility to feel and to the person related responsible by his disclosure, be it a complete and clear vow of love or a discreet but tender move to the one lacking; When you are highly sensitive and that your daily life doesn't satisfy your needs to feel pleasure and goodness, (and sensitive ones need a lot), you cling to all the signs, it helps keeping hope, and you don't want to release any as you sense it's your sanity at stake, can someone so desperate, so unfulfilled, really grasp to every lead without losing himself, losing focus of what is really good for him, and losing people who sincerely feel for him, because feeling too much is a battle for you have to constantly be aware to get your hunch of "preserving-life" affection, it's a hunt, but someone who wants all can end up with nothing because others don't want to share the person they feel for, and mostly, unfortunately for those sensitive ones, others don't give enough and don't need as much.

Moreover, i think even the sensitive ones who need a lot of affection and try to catch it by scouting and soaking up the surroundings relentlessly, they won't accept that someone they feel for doesn't belong entirely to them, the dilema is here : you want everybody to love only you, but you want yourself to love everybody. If everyone wants that, then Love is impossible.

"a good woman"

"It's so sad" she says, getting out of her reflection, "she knew only one man, she married him, and despite the wildness of their expectations, she is still with him after so many years", that girl in front of me, i know so well, still young, slick skin and charming
eyes, wants to taste all the suavity of men, and made own the places of debauchery, it's so sad? i think, is it?, that woman we talked about got his life, spent it in reveries, reaching highs through simplicity, a kitten rolling a ball of wool, a flower standing out of a sooty wall, seeing beauty out of her mind, wet leaves decorating a sidewalk or a sweet wild strawberry hidden in the grass she would have taken the pain and pleasure to discover crouched in the dew, now, dusk is covering her, is it sad? really?, i think, that woman, so open to the world that her very self became unimportant, has so much love to give, so much that even the most cruel misfortunes and injustices didn't drained her of the passion. Who wouldn't admire such a woman. Who?! So, is it sad?

if it is, then my life is.

Abuse

-"Do you think i support this!, but though the word "abuse" has something negative it must exist another word as sometimes i want people to take over me, tease me, attract me, like a kid teases a ant with a stick, because that way i know i'm the center of the attention, in that disgusting misery i'm something unique, a loved reject."

Intangible

*Show me your mind*, breathing on his face she was standing in the intimacy they sought, proper to unleash the bestiality of flesh against flesh, the warmth of two fires licking each and every curves, *show me your mind*, her innocent dress, so light, didn't deceive him as she was holding up her chest to expose, under this thin cloth, the bulge of her nipples proving her excitment,*show me your mind*, the shivers along her delicate legs let him think she was about to faint only to stole him a kiss when he'll put his arms on her bare back to catch her safe, "show me your mind", she doesn't flinch, one thing was to expect her eyes begged for it, "lift a tail and slowly stroke my awaiting thighs and rear", "take it off, all i desire is your tight skin pressed against mine", "i want you", all said with faded shyness, with her lusful mouth, showing only a demanding smile, she was ready to reach for him, still standing without a move in the aura of attraction, suddenly he breaks, "you are pretty, i like girls, but you're not listening to me", "nothing can happen i'm simply not real enough in my mind", he guided her back to the door, shut it forever with this unforgetable lock.

(small try, something different, something of a rejected wish, of an uncontrolled choice)

(it's difficult to write without knowledge)

Spacing out

She had that look like she's not there, deep bright eyes piercing to the ground, and he wonders, a strand of recently combed hair, black as fresh tar, scratching across her pale brow and cheek, and he is teased, a little notch on the corner of her pressed lips, round and soft like a juicy cherry, terrifying, pretty, he's shaky, he could swear he saw it tremble, "she cries for poetry" he thought.
Black and white, an anonymous face in a tiny frame.
"You idiot" he whispers,You must be so lost to see your love in a square of commonality.

Open window

"Beware, beware." He was speaking aloud, his arms stretched over his head, caught into the game he was watching, a pale light coming from the left window was painting the whole empty apartment in a livid hue, he forgot the murky sky, the hour of the day, he forgot whatever he had to do, then, in a flash, like a sleeper hoping back to lucidity he felt her, approaching, his chest started to warm up and a childish smile hatched on his face, ready to soar toward that love his body softened, his eyes rolled to fall into the heaviness of sulk as he was watching at a void framedoor, alone, in this gloomy bedroom.

Temple

Remember those grainy blue seats you were settling in for hours, how you stuck your nose in your book when she arrived, blinding yourself, vainly trying to impede your feelings to rise, take all of you, awkwardly shutting down your senses, a shy gargoyle you were, haunting that abandonned hall in the sole purpose to be closer to her, for a swift instant, the time it takes to cross the room to the office, you stretched, you sipped that moment, a dazing nectar it was for you, so much conscious you were of her proximate presence, and as she glided softly, the scent of her body, a trail to trap you, forever made you feel a thousand extasies and playing insanely the most licentious desires.

Bored!

What are we waiting for?, a plausible meeting somewhere in the course of time, we will hardly get to know each other that we'll have to part, who will accompany me when i'll feel i need to play basketball, will i find friends over there, who will take you to the place you encounter cats, you'll need someone to share that personal relief, so why are we waiting, thinking of it, it's useless, a waste of experience, of time, of life, i don't have time, i'm on a slide, imagination doesn't satisfy me anymore, people i knew have already traveled the whole planet, they loved, they were loved, they changed, they changed jobs, they changed girlfriends, thus resounds the words of my dad from the past "at your age i already kissed a girl", well buddy it's not a game for me, it's my health on the thread, tip toe on the razorblade, that's how i feel, when i'm outside people scratch me with their words, their behaviors, i'm shy, i'm small on a line in a store, trying to look innocent, to blend in, to be the good guy in the right place, but this is not, not the golden path to me, i'm waiting that problems solve by themselves, "i don't care" i say, help*, i don't care if no one loves me, if i'm a nobody in that world, help*, i don't care people dying and humanity withering, i don't care for cuteness, hear me*, how could i support a group i don't belong, all those groups, everything, everyone, i belong nowhere and to no one, and i say "i don't care", taming my rage, bashing my flesh, lock it in deep from the suspicious eyes, i don't want to be a bother to all, when you think you aren't worthy that puts you in an intouchable position, you are transparent and intangible to friends and foes, why waiting tell me, aren't every couple bonded by default, you can't know everybody, so you can't tell who will be the best for you, you can't try all that exists, see, i never knew, and i will give my heart to the first who talks to me, that sounds like getting carried away, how could we know if we are waiting.

(At the time i wrote this, i didn't know you weren't waiting... and liking it to the core)