ethereal

Today i'm excited because a new adventure begins, though i won't move an inch, i'll wear my eyes staring at flashy colors, running my imagination along unrealistic outlines, hearing someone i could never see, hidden and comfy,... my head is an infinite terrain that protects me from the burns and scratches of reality, i only feel fine when i'm detached and omniscient.

Farewell and Goodnight

"I wanted to speak but i'm too anxious to think and talk live to the camera, so i'm gonna read something

I was watching the film you mentioned in your last message, titled goodnight mother, and it stirred my feelings, i got angry at the main character, she lets herself being used, she is responsible for her own happiness and she gives up that easily, i haven't finished watching it yet but i felt i needed to clear something, for me, for you, she could have just leave this house and her smothering mother, i guess she could know what is missing in her life and just reach for it, even if it requires to leave, then i thought about my own situation, how i feel stuck the same way, and i always have a good reason, it's like i'm angry at the character of jessie for given up but i do exactly the same, i stay hidden in my space, i don't have the right to be angry at her or i should also kill myself, because i'm an hypocrite right now, i have locked myself in my own body and convinced me that the way i'm seeing me is the right way, that it's an ultimate truth for everyone, and that gives me the best of any reasons to stay away from life, i feel so stuck and limited in my body, can't you see Olia that i'm not fine, it's obnoxious but here's a list of things i hate in me, i shaved today, i don't like to shave because it reveals the dents and holes on my cheeks, my skin is too fragile on that creepy angular face, this is ugly, then see i'm losing my hair, it's thin and sparse, fuzy and dry, while i have too many hairs on my limbs, that's unfair, i can't stand it, oh and see those dumb, crappy glasses, because yeah living in a box my vision gets worse and worse, the only thing i have for me actually is that i'm not fat, if one day i see me as fat i think i will become mad

so and why do i want to please, why?, because society tells us that we have to be beautifully stereotyped to be successful?, i say so often that i don't need others but i still feel horrible around people, this truth on myself that i built produces anxiety and prevent me to move. sorry for that."

Now you saw and you have the proof that i can be truly ugly!

Coiled in a square

I never write something i don't know or i don't see, i know my own functioning, the references behind all i think, the path leading to my outlets, i know it all, it is real for me, easy and understandable, i'm going with what i am but i'm not omniscient, there are lots of things i don't see, i don't know, i'm much aware of my limits, this is frustrating. Though i have the grasp i'm not a good judge of myself, what is to believe now.

Get what you deserve, the story of a boy

There is a contained hatred
If this dog bite off the fingers of my hand
Siping away my joy, my lead
Give birth to my angular face,
Everywhere pits and madness
I'll strangle the woman,
Curse the boy with glares,
Infuriate, the landscape closing on me
with no thread to hold, a car will cut my rush,
I'll do it, i'll reach my burst
As my hope grows thin and my hate bloats
If those kids see it, and everyone consents
In the streets they sure mock me
Them sharp,

Me sick,

and i go barefoot on a road of pins.

My core is my master

Confidence makes the difference, stay in my corner, stand still against the laughters, losing the habit of crying aloud apologizes, i choose i'll never act against my will, i have the ability to hear the whispers of the core of myself, telling me what is good, what is sane, guiding me, i'm aware, and i know humans influence each others by their sole presence, i have the power to discard this trickery, i can be me and i can choose with whoever i want to share it, i'm able to recognize what is informations speaking by others, i process and incorporate, or reject if after researchs those are falsified elements, their judgments aren't for me, it's their unique property, if i decide it no humans will ever overshadow me, because what they say i make mine, i sort out, i ward off, i anihilate or throw back, my source of actions is clear to me, my goal, my reach, in theory i know how to act purely, i don't need them, i know how to stride for my ideals and needs, be true to me is what my core says, i'm convinced everyone can choose his master, the one to dictate his own moves, i'm not a fool, i choose to hear Myself. Believe in it is boundless confidence.

Antisocial

I'll never be a social being, the mass has no value to me, only an individual, i need to know in a conversation that someone is totally concentrated on what i have to give, what i have to say, and reply without being parasitized by different sources of attention in the vicinity, i need to feel fully listened, i need to feel a complete sincerity emanating from the person i'm communicating, i won't raise my voice to shout louder than the other animals in the backyard, i shouldn't have to raise my voice if people truly want to know my opinions, my truth, they'll ask, so if they don't want to know no need to impose and bump elbows just to have the fake impression of existing in a group of harldy known people; Around strangers it's a fight to exist; Around friendS it's glorifying the same references, ideas and knowledge and sometimes let's agree on a fair debate to build a better view toward the truth of one subject.
I'll be null around strangers,
I'll be awkward around friends,
And i'm sure...
I'm sure,
I reach my potential with one!
It's my only way to thrive in a social situation, give my all to one; Take it or leave it!