Simply watching her moving, while resting carelessly on the couch, head on the side, her silhouette dressing up in front of the profuse square light out of that big window, gracefully putting on shirt and pants, timidly messing up her own hair, glowing like a stream touched by sun rays, admiring the sober and slow angles of her limbs, it is made to tease me, then stare at her frail ankles in the shed of light, the nails cut awkwardly neat, the little blue veins streaking the feet under the white skin, desiring to trace the outline, roam on every bump and crest with my hand, tasting evenly the soft and grainy parts, lying here, and only watching, thinking that only watching her moving is such a delightful sensation.

I have to mix with the worst if i want to survive, because the good doesn't want of me.

(don't take it too seriously, it just sounded dramatically right)

Down, in the frame of an open door, there's a woman's back in the dim light, half covered in a thin black dress, the milky nude shoulders flashes out and i can see the blade bones moving under the skin as the arms sway like waves, i imagine she's a painter mixing colors with delicacy, kneeled on the floor, her dark hair tied as a messy bun, i stared long, all that is visible to me this evening is the naked back of an untouchable stranger woman, making lonely art in my mind.

Why am i such a sad man,
the night tints the clouds in a grave purple
and the wind carries a scent of rain by the open window,
i'm heavy,
take me home,
please, take the longest road,
let me enjoy the ride,
don't talk to me,
i'm withdrawn,
they don't see the poetry of things,
Absent, absence,
i'm better lured in my own illusion.

What is real

I kissed a girl! Or she kissed me, she followed the irregular crest of my teeth with the tip of her tongue, she licked my pink lips swollen with alcool, and i bit that lascivious tongue when she tried to enter my mouth to intertwine with mine, her inclined head drifted towards me to kiss my neck, i felt the teasing warmth of her breath, eyes closed in abandon, her hand on my thigh, gliding on the rail of desire, we kissed again, sensually, and i held her wet upper lip between mine, licking it carefully.
After that i thought,
I love You!
You!

Love isn't something we give away and then we are empty, love is something we produce endlessly when we meet the right persons, i feel i am an inexhaustible source of Love, it goes with my real self and awakens to proper sharings and situations.
Nothing is forced and my being tells me when and to whom he wants to give that Love, which is simply the want of the other person, the need to share.
Sometimes the other isn't receptive to what we want to communicate and doesn't feel the same, that's why we have to believe that Love only belongs to ourself, so we are never stuck or dried up, another person, another situation will trigger our need of Loving, and only when we are fully satisfied, that we resound harmoniously with someone, so we will settle and can be faithfull to few, or one.
Freedom, communication, authenticity are key caracteristics to have gratifying relationships.

M R S

Here's a little story, i was meeting new people, sitting low to the floor around a small table in a tiny appartment, me and my friend we were showing and commenting on the cover of the album by a rock band we saw play recenlty, the general review was very positive and we were seemingly happy to praise that band, then i picked myself the cd, hanged it in the air in front of all of us, i start a line on the logo "M R S" and a girl anticipating my comment speak enthousiastically at the same time i do, the guillotine falls "i think this logo is lame, totally uninventive"... , i watched her playful and said joyfully "you were about to say the contrary eh eh", she assumed as we were so expansive about the band that i was about to speak another compliment, but it's not like that, you see, i know the parts i like and i dislike even in something i greatly enjoy, nothing is perfect, and i'm confident to say what is my truth, even in front of strangers, i'm real like that, and actually as i pointed out that detail on our slight misunderstanding we then laughed together, i allowed myself to be the real me, to criticize even what i like, and still respect the opinion of someone, i would formerly feel embarassed to contradict, but my body language and speaking true and kindly, disarmed any potential conflict of personality, everyone stayed himself and finally felt respected, that's rewarding communication.

it's not about basketball

it's about having fun and feeling alive!
... and fight sadness.

instant drift of emotions

I love your world, i feel it's a part of who i really am too, the films, the songs, the books and poems you shared, how you write and express, the atmosphere of your heart, i feel i like to wander in that same mist, where even the faded colors are emotional, i'm lull by the soft moves, ribbons swaying in the silent breeze, where even the gestures of passion are intelligent, i love your carefulness and that the little details are important to you, i let my senses linger on those same details, i cling to the shape of your hips, i get dizzy with the scent of your skin, i bath in the sight of your lean body, i'm enchanted at the soft accent of your voice which caresses me like a thousand lips and that universe makes me shiver pleasantly, i want to be lost in your kingdom as i naturally feel it's were i belong and am experiencing the paradise of my awakening.

A hint on the process of my mind

I was walking mechanically down a familiar steep road, not really watching the close scenery anymore, the rounded field of vines on that hill, and the setting sun, as usual, was playing a stoboscopic effect on me through the rusty spears delimiting the field, i thought once of trying an epileptic ceasure thanks to that casual effect, i turned my head away, on the other side, trying at first to pierce with my glances the tinted glass windows of the cars passing, to guess the mood of people getting back from work by a look at their faces, and practice my inner smile against the common absence and boredom of such faces, suddenly the other side appealed me, experiencing the opposite sidewalk, i crossed the busy road and i felt at once the interest for the surroundings blazing anew in my mind, new things to see, new modern looking houses built with wide verandas, siding neglected gardens, full of metal and plastic junk, the ridiculous dogs barking at me, some kids playing ball in a dirty concrete yard, a brand new shiny red sign jumping at me, calling me to learn japanese, german, spain, english or arabic languages, i felt a cog was spining again in my brain, gathering the informations, blooming with a new found curiosity, i felt my visage lighting up in excitment at those however lame and plain sights, my interest for the present can be triggered that easily, as i am a simple man, while the minute before i was lost in reasoning thoughts, far away places and the shambles of my inner world, i imagine people understimate their need for working their senses in novelty and stimulation. Or it is just me hungry for life, my natural state.

not half a person

If we only speak half of our thoughts we will only be understood half of ourselves, we have to explain who we are and what we want from others.

I felt bored seeing a friend for a long time now, we were always doing the same activities, nothing new around us to talk about and blow the embers of a satisfying conversation, and i realized i could change that, i could get what i wanted and still see that friend, i don't have to lie to him, pretend i'm busy when he calls asking to see me, it was so easy how could i never thought about it before, i was stuck in the thinking patern of pretending to be nice with him, so now i'm aware that i can change things around, i can change my world, i'm not stuck in a hamster wheel, i make the choice to speak real and to show what i am, no matter what people can think, i asked him i wanted to do something new with him, that i needed more sharing and to experience new things, and i don't need drastic changes, we simply decided on a new restaurant to try out, and that was a real pleasant time, i don't have to settle on looping situations if it doesn't fit me, i can change and choose what is fine with my real self.

and mE in this?!

I understand now why my mom wanted children so firmly in her youth, she had that much love to give, enough for four persons, to love fully... fully with all she is, sincerely, and that's a lot, that's three times and a half more than any individual, she had that much to give, and four persons couldn't even match and give back the love she gave, it's hard to feel satisfied when you give so much and getting only crumbles in return, that makes you humble, insecure, and live mostly through fictional stories and imagination.

And me... Me, i have that trait in myself too, it's hereditary, it's conditioning, but it was too much to handle, so i pretended i was indolent, heartless, i pretended i could never love anyone and no one could ever love me, i built theories and reasons to those "facts", i've hidden my feelings for others, for years and years, i denied it, and now it's consuming me, because as much as i want to give, i can't force others to give me back, and it makes me feel ignored and unimportant, i am like my mom a freak of love and sharing, i'm too much for others it seems, i wish i was charismatic and push people, without having to ask, to give me plenty, thanks to a beautiful face or popular skills, but i'm simply an outcast right now, a lovesick outcast in need for resilience, someone to echo what i can give, someone to tell me thruthfully that i am loved. (which is that i'm important, my opinions count, the person thinks about me and desires me and wants to share her true self with me, thoughts, ideas, opinions, fantasies... )
That's how i flourish, in true sharing of every emotions, that's how i feel it is worth to live, and i can give a lot, my need to share is humongous, endless.

(i don't want no solution, i can't go elsewhere, i don't want to go where my feelings aren't, i understand we all have a unique way to give and we all share differently, i know i need a lot because i'm giving a lot, so i can't wait i must go get what i need or i'll never be happy)

----- i wrote this some time ago, i feel i'm already over this, because i've accepted it, i'm proud of what i am and i'm sure i can do something for me and do the moves to get what and who i really, truly want ------

I will go to you!

Every time, she talks to me about horror movies
that's conspicuous
she's only searching for an excuse to grab my arm
and press herself against me
playing the scared girl
so i elude,
i pretend i don't know any good ones.

Right now i'm thinking about that,

because i'd like another one to ask me.