Uncertainty... then, Piece of Revelation on how things work

Why wanting to die and wanting affection are so much related, entangled in my mind.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
i know........................................................................................................................................................................................because i'm not worthy enough to receive love, so what is to do when i feel i need it, it just gives me the desire to harm myself, when you're low seek adrenalin and that's why so many people use cutting to cope when they have the need for affection but don't feel worthy enough to get it.


Waking up this morning i've got this clue :

My daily behavior is satisfying my needs as soon as they appear, it's living in the present, and i thought a sure way to feel relieved all along, you know yourself, you probe your needs then you fulfill it, easy, well usually easy for someone which has no excentric needs as me,.... doing this way i have to satisfy my need on the instant or one can be quickly frustrated, so theoretically it's easy to find what we need on an instant regarding the basic needs, like
eating : we have a fridge where we store food.
drinking : water through taps in every houses, easy, plus fruit juices or so in the fridge too.
exercice : i've got a basketball court at five minutes by foot from my home, or i can walk in the city it's even easier.
entertainment, knowledge, just working the brain : i've got all i like here in my room, and on internet, i have "easy access" passions.

But there's one need i can't fulfill instantly, it's everything that must come from other humans, because people have their free will, they have plans and a personal life, to see someone you have to make an appointment, it takes time and everyone has a different way of living, for example i feel i need to talk more in the evening and the middle of the night usually, even with friends, we can't burst into their house everytime we want, we have to call and set up a matching time to talk or do whatever, so clearly that's why i feel quiclky frustrated when i feel i need someone (for affection, understanding, recognition, whatever), it's not instantaneous, and i'm too much respectful i don't want to impose myself, so each time i have to cope with that need, it happens periodically, it's burning in me, i try to contain it, searching for palliatives, often i end up hating everyone, hating myself and feelin unloved, and unworthy..... in my life it's a need that has never been satisfied, i am raised and conditioned to hide that need, it's in my cells, in my mind, i'm too respectful, "i respect them so much that i completely stay away from them", so there is this only need i can't fulfill with the way i'm functioning right now, i just can't...
I'm wondering how people do, is that why they go out in clubs every week end, to rub on each others, or is that why they get married, this way as soon as they have the need for someone he's right there in front of their eyes, it's like an investment on the need of affection, you get married or live in couple so that in case you feel this natural need to be with, to speak, to share, to ... with someone you can get it pretty easily, quite instantly.

I get angry because i need more but i don't know how to get it, i falsely blame it on others, on their behaviors, but it's my lack, i miss the ability to get what i want, and the person i'd really like to share with is so far from instantaneous reach.

"....i wanted more
than life could ever grant me
bored by the chores
of saving face...."

Letters

I like my name when it's you who pronounce it, i make it sound like you do, fRANçois, and it gains softness, cotton curls caressing the tongue, it makes you closer.

One may think i'm egoistical, what i focus on is the encounter, i see closeness when things from me and things from you are gathered, like my name spoken by your mouth, it tickles my feelings.

You are with me always.

Downfall

I begin to feel lonely again, i'm gonna stick to the melancholy usuals, films, characters, books and places, and take delight in self pity, i take shelter in this virtual dismal atmosphere, i make it my own, i nest in the belief i'm misunderstood and doomed.

(two messages in a row which seem to be perfect antagonism, my mind is on a swing)

The pain disapears quicker than we think

The pain disapears quicker than we think when it's replaced by hatred.

If you let your emotions overwhelm you, that you become irrational, your pain turns into hatred, or sadness, or anger, or any destructive emotions in the purpose the cope with the feeling on the long run, it's a misplaced rationalisation (because in fact irrational and destructive), on the contrary if you think and believe that it's useless to live in the past, that all the possibilities you can imagine lie before you, to discover anew what you need to be happy, that you are free, then you'll forget easily and will concentrate on the positive there is to take in every instant.

Desperate state of mind brings freedom and eases my life

When i give up on anything i expect from others i can hate them all freely.
When i believe i could never get what i need from others, they become a useless breed, i can hate everybody and wish they're dead, it becomes legitimate, all make sense, my hate has, the problem of dealing with others gets a solution, life becomes easier.

You're not listening to me

In his prison the creature lies, curled in one dark corner, his monstrous head hidden in his arms, moaning inside, questioning his sad condition, too much tortures in this pitiful life, slowly answers arise, one goal becomes clear, he soon firmly believes what has to be done for his survival, he's gonna stand up and run to retrieve his long lost life, he learns to know himself and his determination grows stronger, he feels proud of his beliefs, this gives him strenght to fight the corrupted minions who will restlessly assault him, the journey begins at an unsteady pace, downs and lows, night sleeping on damped grass protected behind trees and bushes, a fire in a meadow to warm his bruised body and help raised his moral, he runs under the rain, on inhospitable lands, the sky above his head, matching the toughness around, the blows are roughs and frequents but somewhat he manages to keep his will sturdy as he gains knowledge, abilities along his journey, he begins to have an incoercible faith in the rightness of his deeds, with one utmost goal in mind, always going forward, this is courage!

i could cry

(credits : "opening" shadow of the beast)

Tarnation

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. For the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is."

(This is an extract i picked from a movie, and beneath is the real text)

Desiderata of Happiness
" Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.


--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

(This text was viciously snatched by some "thirsty of power" religious people, it has nothing to do with religion, i despise these attempt of brain controlling humans using this honest and truthful piece of prose)

the best possible version of yourself

"What is it? It's frustrating that you can't be with this person?
That... that there's something keeping you apart, something about this person you connect with?
And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart.
And you know that if you could just be together, that this person will help you become the best possible version of yourself."

(Dan in real life)

a place to feel one and complete

I'm drained, i put so much pressure on me in all i do around others, a simple day eating outside then creating with musicians sucks dry all my energy, i have nothing left for anyone whose ask me to "stand for", hardly for me to keep my moral in equilibrium above the ravine of doubts and downs, the engulfing mud, hardly enough to bear my constantly rushing sadly wise thoughts, how could i pass more than few hours deprived of the security of my shelter, i'm endlessly battling when i'm outside, confronting the glares, turning into a rock against what is not for me, survive, but slowly wasting strenght, i'm made this way, i'm made to lay down and whatever, anything to forget all that i'm not, all that i can't have, all where i'm not fine, i want to forget myself, where is that state of neverending rest, i'm made to be forgotten.

All i share is part of one big story, the story of my life, all has sense and all is linked, surely it is the after effect of my recent nights off, if i'm this frail how could i travel, how could i survive without a vault to hide in.

Life thanks to communications

Humans need communications, not necessarily with other humans, it can be with nature, like growing plants and flowers in a garden, or it can be through imagination, by personifying things around, which can be seen as a piece of madness but in reality will be done to prevent the person from feeling constantly bad, communication can be established with objects and nature as well as with fellow humans, the purpose is to feel acknowledged, existing, simply gathering pleasant feelings to continue to live, it's a natural process for the perennity, preservation, duration of life.