I had a crush

I had a crush, at first sight.
I left the two friends i had come with.
I was zoning amongst the shelves in a big cultural store.
Just browsing and watching around, then
STOP!......





As soon as i took it in my hands i felt i was melting,
i slid my fingers on the back, unpolished and white,
then on the front over the glossy black and white photograph representing an old man,
i flipped inside, i smelled the pages,
it was a small and thin book,
i felt i wanted that one,
i begged my friends to buy it for me, as i had no money in my pocket,
i originally didn't plan to crack and fall for anything in that place,
its title is "ode to old age, by Herman Hesse"
and it's such a wonderful book, i'm head over heels.


-----



That reminded me of two complementary stories that happened in my life and that represent me well.

When i was twenty-two, that movie came out: "About Schmidt" with Jack Nicholson, about an old guy being forced to retire by the company he spent all his life in, then his old wife dies suddenly, and the guy ends up alone and at a loose end, so he goes on a road trip across the usa to reunite with his lost of sight daughter, anyway that's a film about old age and the questioning it brings, about the flickering of the body, and the insignificance of life, and despite my young age at the time it attracted me and i sincerely enjoyed it; Around us (i went with a friend) in the small theater room there was few seats taken, and only by old people with hair gone white and shrivelled bodies.

Then, another day, years later, evening was coming, i went out on my balcony, on the third floor, i was only dressed with the pants of my pajamas, going down right under my knees, shirtless i leant on my elbows to the parapet, i felt to chill out, thinking i will be alone tonight, but on my left the glass window opened, and my neighbor, a young girl, student of medicine around twenty-one came out too on her balcony to chill out, at first i felt uneasy, i didn't expect someone (even less a young girl) to see me in that indecent pose, i pretended to haven't notice her and i kept silent, but she didn't look shocked and adressed me, (what's funny is that she was too in her outfit for the night, or was it that i met her another evening like that and she was wearing little cotton shorts and thin tank top so that she was copying my nonchalance), anyway we had a very nice chat, just getting acquainted to each other (she was very impulsive and quite intolerant if i recall, she moved a couple of years ago), and one moment in the conversation she asked for my age, i think i was twenty-eight or twenty-nine at the time, or maybe thirty-one, whatever, and when i said, she was sticken, she totally believed i was a student too, i couldn't imagine she judged me on my look, on my nakedness, and i said something stupid like : "oh it must be because of the skateboard and the guitar", i meant she thought i looked younger because i was practicing activities that usually young people do, but obviously she couldn't see inside my appartment, she couldn't see the objects through the window, (sometimes my mind can't believe like that and searches for a sort of rational way to explain others' reactions, even more when it's a compliment toward me), but no, she was referring to my body, that was awkwardly exposed here before her eyes, and i can't deny even now as i just turned thirty-three my body is fit and thin as a twenty years old.

That's an ambiguity i carried until then, an old mind in a young body, and because of that imbalance it's difficult for anyone to place me somewhere, and for me to belong anywhere, what will happen when i'll be older, i feel i won't lose the passion inside, the capacity to be amazed and i will never be unfit, i'm a strange creature.

(blushing) Mary

"Oh so you say you must go back home! Why don't you confess you just don't want to stay the evening with geeks and marginals, we're just mere test subjects for you, to try the methods you learnt in your school of psychology, you want to fumble and tickle at our psychosis, and then you go back to the "real" world with your oh so intelligent companion, or maybe you fear to have fun with us, to have a good discussion, to have a challenge, and finally like us more than you're allowed, maybe you fear you couldn't get someone else, not so easily, you're young but the time already put its marks on you, on your juvenile face, that body once fit in front of a fashion photographer starts to let go, and you're already the slave in that situation, watch us! are we despicable, unlovable, unattractive, uneducated?!, don't you see how you're acting, your smart boyfriend keeps you under his thumb, he's a special one, so intelligent, and maybe we're not so different, try to notice the values in us; He, he uses you to cast light on himself, you're his disciple, you're the one hanging on to him, slavishly clinging, and you know if you're not good enough he will drop you, to find someone that will adore him better than you do, who's life is sad?!, who's life is desperately set?!, have this pleasure, it's pathetic to be affraid of uncommon men!"

making Enemies (but i keep cool, so i'm not the one making enemies, and i don't turn myself into an enemy)

"I once asked an old man: Which is more important? To love or to be loved?
He replied: Which is more important to a bird? The left or the right wing?"

    François Maye : I asked my old mom that, and she said for her it's more important to love, that is to have the ability to love, because no one can strip you of that, it's something that's inside you and that you produce infinitely, you can never be sure of others' feelings as you're not them, but you can trust what you feel and decide to love.
   
    Steph Dizzo : and that's why some people love unconditionally, regardless of the other person's feelings. however, at some point, these people can get hurt when they're not getting anything in return. But is THIS true love? When you love someone regardless of their feelings and without expecting anything back? Well, I think people see love differently, it's an unique experience for each individual.
   
    François Maye : For me true love is obviously the unconditional love, not the egoic love that is spread all around (where you expect someone to give you something or to be like you want), if you are hurt because you don't get anything in return that means it's egoic love, but i agree if you decide you love someone that doesn't love you back, it's a waste of energy, so it's better to love someone that can love you back, that way the feelings are growing on another level, and accept and respect the others, even those who can't love you, to spread positivity amongst humans, that's also why we have to speak out, say our positive feelings to others, to the one, regularly when we feel it, so there's no misunderstandings and we can keep a flame, and then accept the answer of the other, whatever it is, yes or no, if it's "no" just accept it and move on.
   
    Mio Black Amphetamine : interesting.. I wanna be stupid and happy too=P (I just saw the post and I know that it was posted yesterday, so don't judge/comment)
   
    Steph Dizzo ; Why stupid?
   
    Mio Black Amphetamine : because only stupid people think that if you love you have everything even when others hate you=P (just saying)
   
    Steph Dizzo : (smiley showing tongue)

I should note... (exercise)

Can i find some... but for me all the forms should be enjoyable, at least accepted, even if there's some exceptions, for example body is form but i am faithful, so accepted yes, and that's all.

Here's a form i enjoy :

(boots man)
(paper lamp)

I'm not fun because i don't enjoy the world of forms, i'm not light enough, is that possible to go back, or do others like me exist?

I see people seemingly happy, smiling, while explaining how to bake a cake and put a little fluff on it, how to decorate your christmas tree with home-made flashy labels and prints, how to get the look of a famous actor, actress, singer, tv personality, by using a whatever set of beauty products, and those people look happy to share that, to do that even for themselves.

I'm so far away, there's no way i belong there.

Though there must be a community and a love for me somewhere, people resonating with me.

Scarcity fading (useless title but i like the sound of it)

What's with me
the bitter one
the loner
i get sentimental
when i see the shape of a poetic heart
in a puddle of sky water
brightened by the streetlights
cut in a hollow to the black tarmac
in the middle of a silent and common street
of a common residential neighborhood
graffitis on the walls
and neglected gardens
on a fuzzy night

why am i here?
why am i the only one here!

and i start musing
divagating
that there's someone walking with me
a girl
that sweet girl
why would she be here
in that desolated place with me
and maybe that's how my musing is revealed
flawed

i would bend over
kneel
say how to look at it
"you see that mock heart twinkling on the road"
and i want to reach for the lips
kiss
there
anywhere
for a strange-shaped greasy puddle
on an alley of a dirty town

in the dark
in the loneliness
of my dreams



(why would someone choose scarcity
effort
and simple joy
over comfort
luxury [that i always confuse with lust]
and a life of carelessness
because i do
and i thrive in this
in my imagination)

walking alone at night is just a significative part of my life

This place is just a joke, let's laugh together.

All humans together.

For me this is not only true for writing, but also for any way to live, nothing should be forced, nothing!, and the very foundations of human societies is set on pretense, lies, and secrets, we could moan, but  i prefer to laugh at it, and go my own way, and find other people going their own way and laughing at the futile of this place, laugh with me.

With which one do you want to try.

I take some steps out of the group toward her :

"Hello! I'd like to know about you."

She diverts my gaze, and take a glance at the three others above my shoulder, shaken, speechless.

I continue :

"Oh it's the youngest smart-looking one you incline to, the mysterious rough type".
"But too bad he's already got a Dulcinea, but these two here are free".

(They look like dressed vegetables)

She begins to wiggle and i interpret it :

"Oh don't pick by the look, do you think we would be talking to you if we had choosen by the look".

__

That's why guys like me never walk in the light.
At a direct, clear question most people want to escape, even though facing no danger except to assume their own opinions, then they hang on to the stereotype of cute and desirable (anihilating their own selves to the dictated norms), the categorization is deeply ingrained in unconscious persons.
At the great loss of the most interesting kind, the Outcasts.

"Satan, are they dumb!"
Give them their own medicine and laugh at your own stupidity.

Ce que j'écris n'a aucun attrait si l'on ne désire pas connaître qui l'écris, ce n'est pas du divertissement, c'est l'entièreté, l'unicité, la nudité d'un homme comme il y en a trop, et si vous n'êtes pas curieux de la glaise originelle, et des rouages imbriqués qui forment ce pantin, mais avec sa fluidité de vie, sa propre puissance à aimer, alors détournez les yeux et gonflez vous d’orgueil dans vos belles tuniques nacrées, mais s'il vous plaît ravalez vos vipères, il y a un rêve souillé et putride pour chacun.

What i write has no appeal when one doesn't want to know who writes it, this is not entertainment, this is the wholeness, the unicity, the nudity of a man like there are too many, and if you aren't curious of the original clay, and the interlocked machinery who makes that puppet, but with his fluidity of life, his own power to love, so turn away your eyes and swell yourself with pride in your pretty pearly tunics, but please swallow back your vipers, there is a soiled and putrid dream for everyone.

Three worlds

Isn't it interesting when the glass perspires
the wires are swings for the bats
and black on dark the stingy trees call

you know it will stick,
you know it will be cold and prickly
dangling branches hiting your head
and moss tripping your feet

it's the discomfort you want by a switch in your mind

and out of the clamor
in that sweaty egg,
breaking the wet air
you think of your love,

no one knows
you betray them as a dead load
pulling you out of the joy of the forest
and into the doom of the stars

It rains tonight,
tonight, tonight it's not,
it's The night,
a bottomless pit,
a fur of vaporous stench,
a stinging haze,
the streetlights and the dripping grey walls
drown          ......
the rays of harmony are shattered,
there's blisters on the sidewalks,
a wound inside,
and it's pouring,
it's pouring, so stride, run,
escape the depressed
search for cuddles,
huddle yourself in the pig-like warm flesh,
leave to me the dark and the loathed to handle,
that goo of spongy rot is suave,
striped with veins,
it splashes on the ominous tar,
where are you fine? where?
are you,
it's like a folk song to me,
while you sing indoor,
i take my umbrella and drag my poor face against the grit,
unwelcomed as i am
i make a pair with the destitute weather,
soaked blackness,
the reverberation is shunned in an unmerited oblivion,
from where i snap out as a stick silhouette,
undeserving
un - un - un
the reticent night is my shelter.




and fuck the poetic pace, fuck Poetry
and what is arguably beautiful.




(pardon me, allow me to get defensive when i'm in the comfort of strangeness)

If i have to recollect one segment, from that mess of dense and blurry images, it is that black maid, wearing the formal old fashioned outfit, black and white with heavy undulating stripes of fabric sewed on the chest, she could have been sixty years old, or whatever, with round and reassuring cheeks, a small and jovial head, quite diformed like a potato, stuck on a fragile neck, showing a weak complexion and real affliction for the misery when it strikes, her hair dragged backwards and held by a crown made of the same white fabric, she watches sideways, a close up on her profile, and she had the most striking voice for me, soft, filled with kindness and innocence, the naivety and uneducation of a little girl, and that contrast so peculiar made me feel a brief well-being as i noticed for myself the beautiful in it.

Completeness ("Trolösa" resolution)

"Now you know, my views, through all those clues i shared, continuously, with that passion that is mine, maybe it can help you to find your way, if i must be out of the picture, plainly tell me, i don't want my feelings to be betrayed, mocked, trampled, i'll disappear proudly like a defeated war chief, with the honor to have gone all the way, the farthest i could in my emotional openness."

And they skip the conflict, and death, with at first a little pinch to the heart but then the delights of a new begining to the matching presence. And one day they'll realize it has always be there inside them, that respectful love they have succumbed and harmed for, and that there's no need to be scared, no need for desire or expectations, no need to search, to be at peace with the world, and the one you choose.

Lesson, (with a life event)

Saturday morning, in a car with my brother, the radio is on, no talk, a song plays, then :

"I think it's an utterly idiotic song, nothing's good in this, it's just crap." he says peremptorily.

I stay silent, and i think :

(Why judging, why focusing on the negative, just turn off the radio if the song is really so unbearable, why not instead share me something like :

"Oh the other day i listened to a new song i liked a lot, let me tell you!...."

I didn't nourrish that negativity by adding to the criticism, i chose to stay conscious, to keep my inner smile, humans are so inclined to position themselves by criticizing while it's entirely unnecessary and that it hurts the bond we could weave between us all, and that process is so obvious in my own family, i want to overcome it and be a vector of a new consciousness, through positivity and acceptance, [no one's attacking you, so don't be defensive, and who you are is not in the forms, body, car, tv, song, individuals, or thoughts forms, nationality, beliefs, interests, father, mother, so don't feel offended, let people have their own opinions, and know your own, then see the world with care and acceptance.])

--------

(It's true too that i enjoy irony, dark and subversive humor, based on vehement observations and criticisms of this world, but i think that can be done without harm, without resentment, with the will to share and to connect with others, and with the consciousness that it's only jokes, and so it's not serious, just made to have fun, for example people can make cheerful jokes on rock music [which i'm fond of], but if it's said with openness and that obvious harmless tone, and also because i'm conscious and i don't identify to rock music [which is just a hobbie and not who i am], then i can take it and share a laugh about it with the fellow prankster)

perversion

What if i decide i want to love, and rest on that red wooden bridge all day and night myself, like hypnotized, a good for nothing, i can have perverted visions, the most intimate, the most rash, impetuous, wild, obscene, all is good, all is authorized, i can fantasize, i want to fantasize, i want to try that mutual trust in intimacy, and let myself try, i want to learn the flesh too, i need support, i need affection, raw affection, a pinch, a slap, a rub, a squeeze, and shake all that, and dive in chaos, push you on the wall in that dark alley, hold your wrist, press your waist, there's a light coming from an open window above us, and caress, under the fabric, down, up, along the lines, the curves, the dents, the damaged, the bizarre, the wet, give me your mouth, your lips, your tongue, your teeth, play with, salivate, share it, lick, savor it, open your legs, feel the cold granularity of the bricks on your back, and my warm, sweaty body touching you, cornering you, stronger, plain physical, a focalization on that present desire, i want it, i want it, i want you, i can dream and just a kiss, a dirty kiss, passionate, real, because there's nothing else to feel right now just that possesing desire of the nasty white skin.

(something we decide to want, but that is not vital, that is not a lack)

Acceptation, Pleasure, Enthusiasm

Hobbies are superficial (not used pejoratively), and the craving for knowledge is also a hobbie, most of what we do in our lives is only to pass the time, a job is a passtime, and sex is too, all this has no importance, the only valid way to live is to personally enjoy what we decide to do, we could decide to do nothing, to relax on a pretty wooden bridge, painted crimson, our elbows set on the parapet holding our head, and watch with lazy eyes at the ripples of the stream flowing underneath all day, and that will still be acceptable, important and enjoyable if for us it is, for those who want happiness and well being, don't search it in those passtimes, those many experiences, don't catch the value you give to yourself by comparing and identifying, someone who possesses all the knowledge of the world in his brain is finally not better than you, and not happier if he doesn't let himself feel happy, someone who can meddle with all the persons on earth and seduce all the girls and boys has no more right to be, and to be happy, than that person dawdling on that bridge, all those forms, and thoughts forms, that you can consume, identify with and lose yourself in, alluring objects or charming people, are inconsistant and volatile, forms don't last, so it's only passtimes, there is nothing to lose and no important things to gain, the only important behavior is to feel that you can be well,  you can enjoy, you can love, you can respect, you can just be yourself and that's perfectly ok, that's all there is to know.
I read somewhere there's three modes to live by and reach that awakened and happy life :
Acceptation, Pleasure, and Enthusiasm. Period.

(It's good to write, because it's all i can do sometimes, and keeping in what exerts and longs to be told only brings tension inside, it feels good to express to people, to this page, to you, and you, and us, to say what i want, what i feel, and to stimulate my mind, when no one and no thing is reachable there, at once, by any means, any moves, any actions, but only personal and very intimate words.)

I don't trust

Because i'm not perfect i can never trust that someone won't ever trick me, fool me, or cheat on me, here's a belief that causes a dilema in me to be happy with people, i get lonely and bitter, i feel abused when i confess, when i share so openly, so heartily, as it's my way to be, my craving to be answered back favorably, to be a subject of adoration, as i myself can adore.
My reasoning is, if i was perfect, physically, mentally, intellectually, spiritually (basically i tolerate my intellect, but i think i'm physically ugly), then people, and the person i choose to be exclusive with, will necesarily think i am the most worthy of their attention and affection, so they will never leave me, that's irrefutable, and that proves that i'm lost in judgments and comparisons, me against other boys, even girls, trying to define who is the most worthy, and which are the ones, and the one that will never betray me, i know that the answer is to accept "what is", my form, my situation, and the people of the world, with their flaws, their own unconsciousness and conditionned beliefs, as we can accept trees and flowers in nature without judging if it is pretty or ugly, "it is" and that's all there is to know, i need to build up my self esteem, re-condition myself, or i would always feel down and doubtful when i disclose, i could never connect, i could never get someone, get someone to love me and trust that.

I want to feel that i can be all to one.                       I want to live a relationship with confidence. 


.........

Here's a motto found by a friend and sent to my cell phone : "I feel crippled because i fear i'm imperfect. I want to be free to be and i accept to be imperfect in the realm of forms."

Without a sight

My fingers were gliding on the curve of my skull, the straw hair becoming more and more scarce, the raspy chin appearing scared up close, the bumps and hollows of temples, but still slick somewhat, and those useless protruding ears, can a bony face be lovable, can the mask of death be seen as something beautiful, something that would deserve to be kept close and cherished in the alcove of stringy arms, stir good feelings in a mind, something which the weight could rest on a cheek, on a belly, or on a lap, and grazed cautiously.

?!

sometimes it seems i feel a space to accept what is, vague and far away.

Innocence

"I don't know how can one walk past a tree and not feel happy for being able to see it. Or how is that possible, speaking to people, not to feel happy and not to "love" them? I always feel happy but sometimes can't show it. Just look at a child. Or look at the good-given sunrise. Look at the eyes that gaze at you and love you. Is that really possible being miserable?"

Myshkin, Dostoïevski's fictional character

I'm not a heap of rubbish that cats can search and rip appart some rotten food to satisfy their unfaithful bellies. I'll kick them away, i'll break their ribs, i don't want parasites, i want on me the gaze of a strong, loveful person.
Down there on earth i speak what i want and what i feel, if it's not matching, i prefere to hear the truth, i respect the choices, but i will discard, push away gently but definitely, and continue my way to the right person. I see too many uncertain persons around me, which leads to misunderstandings and open conflicts.

I can write things like that, i can speak things like that, the fountain will never dry, i will always feel to live things like that, it's in me, incessantly renewed, different and forever passionate.

Innocent musing

Last evening i went for another ride, i took a turn on the pathway of a residence (i like wandering in dead-ends and residence areas because that's where you see people living and leaving marks of their living, sometimes i want to spy on that, and sometimes i want solitude so i ride in woods or empty roads), the sun was drowning behind me, and the sky before me was still a faded blue, untouched, i arrived at the end of the track, above on an edge as a ramp to soar off, i pressed against the fence to contemplate the immensity below, a football field in a hollow, and farther a clean white mansion in the middle of a vast yard, there was graffitis on the walls emcompassing the field, as i approached i knew this new view (i never went there) i discovered was going to illuminate my being, i felt sheer joy, i came close smiling my teeth out, and the music starts playing the perfect hymn for that moment, something calm with accoustic guitars and bells, there's an old lady down the perpendicular little concrete path, she's dressed in black and walking a miniature dog, i stare, i feel so open, i want her to turn her head up to me so that i can say "Hello" and wave my hand cheerfully, even if i don't know her, even if i will never see her again, i watch farther on the other side of the football field and i can hardly observe two forms sat on the grass, side by side, my imagination works and i amuse myself, "are they teen lovers, and they found that tranquil place to watch each other impudently, confess, and kiss, and kiss, kiss, kiss; are they little boys tired to play ball who sat down to have a little chat, and guess what they are going to do next, maybe one will go at the other's house to settle on the couch, drink, eat junks, watch tv or play video games", Oh was it nice!
I saw in my mind places where people go to have fun, the bars, the clubs, the restaurants, the rowdy city, and i thought, "me, i don't want that, no, me, i want to be there, lying down on the grass, sipping tea (or coke), tasting biscuits and fruits, chatting calmly, under the silent sunset, and kissing, and kissing, with you."

That day, a typical day, with its lousiness, idleness, and little knowledge exposed. There's no pretense, fakeness and glitters in my way of living, it's simple and rough, the brutal and lame truth on reality.

11pm - Wake up, turning on the pc and checking the mail and blogs and some random geeky pages (nesblog and cinemassacre), then writing a letter (on internet break, irritated brother, and concepts of love).

12h10 - Cooking meal (sausage, chips leftover and beans, half of a big red sugary apple, coffee, cake and chocolate), eating while watching part of a movie : "My Week With Marilyn" (original version with english subtitles, sometimes pausing to check words on an online dictionary), so like usual taking my time, to eat, watch, feel.
Interruption by my mother, rare enough to be mentioned, ten minutes, all shy as usual she feels uneasy to disturb me during my meal and she says to do as she wasn't here and that i continue to eat before my coffee gets cold, even though i welcome her warmly, i said i decide to be fully with her, it's how i am, and that i invited her in so i don't care to stop my meal, it's my choice to spend that little time with her, i don't do two things at the same time and i prefer to focus on the person i'm with when i decided to meet someone, that's the principle of presence, i don't think she can emotionally understand that as her fear to be a bother is so big, the best i can do is reassure her and be with her calmly and kindly, which i did.

13h45 - Washing the dishes, dynamic brushing of my teeth while pacing around the appartment back and forth to the window (sunny day), peacefully thinking, bathroom.

14h11 - Download of an Eckhart Tolle's teaching, in prevision of an evening ride, (it can take some time to find a video compatible with my downloading software, that's why i check all along the day when i plan to ride my bike in the evening while listening to a lecture, that time it was quite fast, it will be : "Eckhart Tolle/ Stillness Amidst The World")

14h16 - Back to the movie. Such insecurities in that woman, a feeling of abandonment, she's a wounded woman, but she's unconscious that she can heal herself, like most of us, it's sad, and that young guy is a shitbag, too young, not knowing what he wants, playing, pretending, same goes for that marilyn character but in a dramatic way, completely lost, like most running after luxury and physical reassurances, superficiality and disapointments, little girls and boys parasiting each others, the simple brown-haired girl with a slide was the prettiest, nicest and most sincere, used and let down (i'm glad she didn't reply to the invitation of the young boy at the end). (that was my quick reaction to the images, there's things to say about that movie, that shows the unconsciousness of human beings, but eh here it's only cinema).

15h51 - Nap time, lying down on my couch under the blanket, headphones on with in my ears that album by Colour Haze : "Los Sounds De Krauts" (i like crazy rock improvisational psychedelic music, talent, complexity, depth, rawness, wildness, energy, melancholy, life).

16h55 - Waking up. Idleness, opening the shutter, getting to the fridge to get some fresh water, drinking slowly, watching the sun crashing, the natural light going off, the myst rising with a colder air, helicopter noise, people outside, bunch of students walking down the street chattering loudly, a bell ringing from the church nearby (it's five o'clock in the afternoon, darkness is coming earlier and earlier), my reflection in the mirror, i haven't shaved for a week, i haven't showered, my hair are messy, i stink sweat, i'm not dressed, i'm wearing a mix of pajamas and sloppy clothes (hoody), i feel my heart pounding in my chest vehemently, waking up too, my mind starts crying for stimulation, i'm not sore, i say keep quiet, i have time to be active, nonchalantly i put few things in order (my coat was thrown in a corner i hang it in the closet, i close the bathroom door to get rid of the blowing made by the ventilation).

17h18 - I start a new book, Aragon : Le paysan de Paris, i read aloud while walking around, i like hearing the words, i feel it helps to create a duration of the images and concepts in the mind, i practice my diction, it dries out the throat, i've got a bottle of water close to me, i cover the surrounding noises with my voice, it helps to dive down in the story or ideas, and i lean and orientate the pages to catch the changing light as i move, i lift my head sometimes, i breath, i watch outside, i ponder what i read or simply recompose and calm myself before diving again, the sky is always of the most pretty at that time of the day out my window, (the remnant of the sun draws orange and pink hues from below on the clouds, it's like colored strates, so sharp and different, columns, waves and cotton).

17h58 - I hear the laugh of the neighbor, a young student girl speaking on the phone on her balcony, back from her day at the university. The sun is almost done, i want to ride, i want to exhaust sanely, i dress with casual sport clothes today, (i'm just lazy i pick up what's on the floor, what has already been used and will soon need to be washed, but not before many utilisations), sometimes it's jeans, sometimes i made the effort to pick a jogging pants with my grey water and wind proof coat, my weary sneakers and a scarf, i'm dressed like a slob, each time i'm almost shameful to go out like this, i hide in dusk, but i don't understand people who buy the perfect outfit to sweat in and who even put perfume and wash their hair right before going out to practice sport, to drip sweat in their neat and clean clothes, that will be a mess after one hour of activity, all is vanity in that human world, appearance is a master, and everyone is affraid to present an inch of practicality, because i think, yeah, my method, my mind is just practical on this, and i don't care to smell or dress nice if i have to go out for sport because in the end everybody is sweaty and messy.
Ok i'm set, my headphones on, (while pedaling and watching the view i will listen to that Eckhart Tolle lecture downloaded sooner : "Eckhart Tolle/ Stillness Amidst The World"), it's cold outside, it will take a few rounds to warm my mucles, but i feel it, my body wants to work, my mind wants to hear and understand, and my senses want to feel, (pretty lights, air on my cheeks, warmness on my chest and sweat dripping down my back), let's go.

18h16 - Going down to the garage.

19h47 - Back. The night fell during my ride out, i'm all sweaty, my body oozes vapor and warmth, i breath easily, i can ride days and nights, i consume so much energy, i'm a high energy type, in thinking and moving, (that's why i have to take naps), i undress, take off my shirt and get half naked, to allow my skin to respire and perspire, to dry and rest, my muscles are pumped up, i walk slowly to recover some calmness, i feel high, i'm keeping in good health, good shape, sharp and dynamic, i'm strong, thin and muscular, and i like it that way, it represents well my mentality, my way of life, i'd like that someone desires that body, to acknowledge it and touch it, but i wouldn't lend it away so easily, i want to feel too that my being is at peace.

That was a good ride, wild, without rules, with a lot of sense stimulations, smells (the scent of wood when passing along a sawmill, or faint smokes of cooked food going out of open windows) and sights (lights stuck on the ground or high on poles, and the creepy silhouette of mediteranean pine trees like giant and crooked hands over your head coming out of the dark), and also a good teaching, extract :

1:09:09 "The only way love can come into your life is through space, not through form, love has no form, and again in the egoic state love gets entangled with form, so you think you need only this form you love, not realizing that true love is the recognition of the formless in the other, which is the recognition of yourself in the other, and that is inseparable from looking upon the other in stillness, without a form arising and saying 'this is who she is or what she is', and if form still arises in your mind recognize it's only a thought it's not who that human being is, what beauty if you can recognize the formless in form."

20h07 - Time for a shower, it's when i'm really dirty that it's more enjoyable to get clean, even when there's no hot water, again it's mixing practical and the joy i choose to put in that moment. (yeah it's for each one to recognize when one considers himself dirty).
Funny fact i always shake like dogs do when i'm finished showering, to get rid of the more water drops hanging over my skin, so that when i use the towel afterwards it doesn't get all wet and it can dry faster.

20h24 - Done. And changed (i like the smell of clean clothes taken out of the wardrobe).

20h26 - Cooking (sliced carrot with glizzard cooked in the same pan, a piece of cheese, the other half of the apple, cake and chocolate). Eating while listening and secondly watching a video game walkthrough : Resident Evil 6 (a horror game), made as a series by this guy on the net : theRadBrad who is playing and loosely commenting the videos, it's nice to watch the original design, the effort of creating an environment, an atmosphere, the unbelievable (literally) action, zombies and slimy monsters, and learning about that brad guy as he speaks about his life and his girlfriend while playing, i think he is a gentle average person, like most of us, with a small popularity here on the net, but keeping the sincerity of what he is doing in that criticized field of video games, it's light and more enjoyable to me than formated, clean cut series and dramas that you find on tv, that way i practice my english too.

22h16 - Brushing teeth.(not interesting but that's a constant in my days).

22h26 - Time for leisure as i feel i want to play that game i picked up recently : Darksiders 2, such great modelling over the drawings of the famous Joe Madureira (note for later, read the biography and search documentaries about that guy), this is Art for me, plus it's fun to play, (i'm totally not in the world of comics, superheroes and stuff, i just enjoy the creative work of designers, that's why all this is just entertainment to me and so not something i would recommend if you want to know what's touching me deeply, still i can enjoy light stuff like that my own way eh).

1h16 - Stop. Wow! I usually don't play that much, but it's like when i read a book i have to stop at the end of a chapter to be square in my mind, it's like a routine, so that particular chapter in the game was that long and i persisted until i reach the end.
A little pause is needed, walking around, drinking fresh water, taking my eyes away from the screen and washing my face. I know at this hour my brother must be sleeping, i turn slightly down the power of my lamp thanks to a potentiometer, so the light doesn't disturb him by crawling under the door.

1h34 - There's this documentary about Walt Whitman that i saved in my favorites few days ago, let's try it. "Walt whitman : American Experience", i know nothing about him nor about the video makers, i didn't search any informations beforehand.
The images reconstructed are useless and quite bad to me (the images of nature are ok but don't carry much meaning with what is said to me, i like the old black and white photographs), i mostly close my eyes and listen to the english language, there's poetical readings i need to concentrate more to understand it, plus the spanish subtitles can be annoying as it attracts the gaze, but that documentary is only shared in that form so i'll make the best with it, what is said is rather interesting, the story of a place, of a time, of a life.

3h37 - (In the morning) End. Finally i enjoyed it, loose and sexual in the first third, it was emotional in the last, we experience the evolution of a man through time and the insane events caused by the community of Men. Usually i don't watch videos that long in one shot, that time i felt to stay up, it was a valuable trip.

Before going to bed, I take some more time to edit, re-read, and post that text online.
I quickly check my mails, as always, even though i never open anything before lying down, because it's no time to get stimulated, though by checking i do myself a little teasing, i can't resist.

  5h00 (In the morning) -  The bed is unfolded, the light is out, i'm resting on my belly, twisting my head on a side, no pillow. Sleep.

And now i feel to conteract myself, eh, get in line everyone will have his punch to the face, and make place i go first, fuck off! Damn it's great!

it's that time of a year

He is here again, he walks, who wears shorts when it rains, and a sweater tainted with mud, so full of his concepts it is said, try and fall, try, try and fall, strip yourself out of it and laugh, life is in touching the raw wood, sculpted with chisels and saws, in the slashes the sap has shimmers of blood, and it smells like it could make you feel dizzy, turn your head up, close your eyes in that solitary forest, it's fresh and your cheeks are pink, Is that random if you go out when people shelter in, except those few other originals, that man in white shirt stuck like a stake under the fleeting rain, that woman in a black coat, reading, her head with mirroring glasses hid in the den of a huge hood, at the meeting moment he was staring and smiling, filling by a rush of excitment, to be here, safe, far away, striped and drenched, in the honesty of nobodies, that's what living is to him, not poisoning his body and soul with stale and sour embodiments, he knows there's nothing to seek, that week is for him, and even if nothing happens, there's a joy in what he loves, the simple, the rough, the dirt, the enticing, the lonely, the ethereal, the caring that is inside.

I'm cheap and there's no purpose, there's news and i wanted to write, this is a puzzle, because for now i can only share in puzzles, it doesn't show realness, reality is much more stark, and i'm ok with mine, that's a small and useless show, i'm not a right suitor, i'm the outsider, the scavenger, the bully of relations, the prince of void proposals, but i can't say, i can't say, because there's nothing to be said that will nourish people to their core, so it's not you it's me who cares.

(that's a random writing, i wanted to write, i thought to share that with you, [that last phrase is serious, eh, you noticed], i somewhat feel guilty that i impose my ramblings on you, sometimes i question myself if i had credits on my phone will i feel to write little notes randomly throughout the days?, loving and philosophical notes like teenagers send their hollow moods, i will be like an annoying fly, but there's a tide in me that makes me come back over and over to your feet)

"Hey, let's synchronize"

Here, no need to feel ecstatically motivated, it will works even with a little tiredness, on those grainy stones defining the bank of the lake, the air is calm, we could hear an accoustic tune, a soft high-pitch voice singing the idleness of our minds, the cackling of swans, ducks and geese slowly fainted with the dusk coming, sat on those rocks dressed in casual shirts and sandals, boots for me, the last remnant of the heat of the day cocoons us and puts asleep our flesh, we're satiated, we watch, indolent, we blend in the colored lights of the city poping out and spreading a blurry luminous smear on the still water in front of us, do you see that dark steeple rising behind the patch of trees, a spiky silhouette, and the fuzzy intense light oozing from a football stadium, we could almost hear the clamor and the gasps of the players training this evening, the clouds are low but not oppressing, more like a soothing haze, giving bumps and dents, sculpting the sky, showing a palette of glassy blue and grey, a blanket, a tender lid over that moment that is as much transcendantal as it is uneventful.

Picture me with a shaved head, my escape, will it become isolation, or my salvation, the rejection of the world or its acceptance, a change of image, will it be ultimately a complete detachment of the form, the destruction of that image, the realization that i don't need it and that some people think like that too.

"Be it spoken aloud or silently kept in thoughts, words can almost have a spellbinding effect on you. You can easily lost yourself in it, let them hypnotize you and implicitly believe that when you put a word on an object, you know what is that object. One thing is certain : you don't know what it is. You only set a label on the mystery it dwells. Everything that exist -a bird, a tree, a simple rock and off course a human being - can't be totally known. Why? Because every thing has an unfathomable depth. All that we perceive, experience or think is only a superficial layer of reality, the extreme tip of the iceberg."

New Earth

"If God had a need to be worshipped, he would have created only dogs. A dog is more capable at loving then a man. A dog, starved, beaten, thrown in waters by his owner, if he survives, will come back, whining with love, to his feet. Here is definitely the believer as Churches dream him."

-

"Nothingness changes and turns into an atom.
The atom changes and turns into matter.
Matter changes and turns into life.
The roots of the tree eat the earth and inert matter becomes living matter, flowers, sap, scents.
The beast eats the plant, eats the seed and the leaf of the tree, and matter becomes wing, blood, eye.
Man eats the plant and the flesh of the beast, and matter becomes thought.
What's next?
Who?
Who feed on the Man? What becomes of our joys, our digested loves?"

Hunger of the Tiger

Words are only words, an invention, claiming for different meanings depending on the mindset, they must not hurt us.

"Sun and moon
Day and night
Darkness and the light

Comes and goes
All so fast
Nothing ever lasts

It seems I’m living in a place
Forgotten now by time’s pace
So I’m left alone

You and i
Hand in hand
We have just begun

Somehow I’m
Holding back
What I feel for you

I’m always living with my fears
The time is swiftly drawing near
I’ll be left alone

Our moments pass on by
Then people pass on by
And love keeps drifting away
It all keeps drifting away

One day I’ll be there
Someday I’ll be there
End of this long and lonely road.
There is a place where tenderness calls the Solitude a friend

No one is with me
Nothing is with me
All that remains are memories
There is a place where coldness and warmth are Woven into one

Do I love?
Do I hate?
So I hesitate

When I know
When I feel
I may be too late

It seems I’m living in a world
Where joy and sadness have no shape
They are both the same

The sky is passing by
The clouds are passing by
The rain keeps falling on me
It all keeps falling away"


And my hands, my lips,
my tongue, my cheeks,
my skin, want to touch you.

"We are surrounded with miracles to which we are accustomed to. We live by miracles, all living things are miraculous in its minor details, but we are so accustomed to the wonderful everyday that it has lost all power to amaze us."

"Nous sommes entourés de miracles auxquels nous sommes habitués. Nous vivons par miracles, tout le vivant est miraculeux dans ses moindres détails, mais nous sommes si accoutumés au merveilleux quotidien qu'il a perdu tout pouvoir de nous émerveiller."

La Faim du Tigre

Even in dreams

It's too much indecent to publish!
I met her in a sort of reunion about career prospects, or health information, she's an asian-american, small, thin, long black straight hair and matt skin, except she doesn't have slanted-eyes, i felt an immediate friendly attitude between us.
We walked home together afterwards, passing through a decent neighborhood, she was few steps in front of me, i caught up on her and suddenly asked if i could kiss her, implying going all the way, making it out, in the shade of an alley of that clean neighborhood.
She showed no surprise, not one twitch, she faced me smiling calmly and welcomed me without second thinking, putting her arms around me and stroking my tense back.
I had the leading role, i was decided, no hesitation in my moves, i kissed her intensely, avidly, i rolled my tongue around hers like a snake on a branch, i licked her lips, and we kissed with suction and ardor, eyes closed to let us feel only through the contact of our skins.
We pressed and touched, i started to tease the base of her neck with my mouth, beating it up with my tongue, and slowly my hand was going down, on her tiny breasts, on her belly, on her pubis, without much pressure so she can feel the warmth and guess where i go, i trick her to think i'm going to touch and then i caress from another angle, and she moans and shivers, i go a little farther down, under her clothes, i delicately pet her sex with the ridge of my finger like i would gently flip the pages of a book, she sighs and gasps, we're sweating and twitching.
Thus she stops me, we look at each other, we're outside under a blue sky, in a city, our course should start again soon and we didn't eat like we were supposed to during that break, she says "i'm sorry i thought it would be faster" with a kind voice, we both enjoyed what happenned, but i thought "is that how you are used usually, oh i am sorry too, i just can't be casual, and i always take too much time to get to know", we released our embrace, resting, watching each other.
Even in dreams....

There's something broken in me, that prevents me to connect, to be appealing and to settle along what the majority wants to live.
When i watch women alone at a table in front of me in a restaurant, and even if i could be physically fine for them, i feel the expectations they could have about a relationship going all along a human life makes me unfit for the role, i'm an innocent, a kid inside, a destroyer of identity, i can be faithful, more than any man but i believe strongly in my individuality, the things in life that i enjoy personally, like i can enjoy the vision of a woman, my fingers strumming and sliding on the shiny body of a guitar, my tight muscles expressing on a run, on a dance, on a twitch or on an escape, the art and beauty and love that i feel and enjoy only for myself without bending to others' will, i can't be nice "to be nice", for someone to appreciate me he/she can only do it for himself/herself, or never, surely not in a concept or a norm, i've got so much more to share than lust and conformity (that everyone seems to stop at), but i seem to feel that no one can function along those lines, by the side of my aura, free of the mind and all forms, and confident enough to enter a world without a safety net and pre-conceived ideas. It seems no one has the courage to be real in the void, a formless, timeless dimension, that's what i propose, for this i'm a monster.

why do men sometimes feel an impulse of affection toward their girlfriends when they see a beautiful woman?

- I'm watching another woman,

(then thinking about his woman)

 I love you!

(ready for analysis, where does that thought come from.)


  Men, you walk along,
on your own, the woman you date is away,
and you come across a girl that you watch intensely,
she is attractive to you.
She's got style!

Maybe she hops right and left, agile and nifty in her thin and practical leather shoes,
she moves her hips in a rocky and elusive taunting.
Maybe there's lace at the fringe of her tight black skirt,
which shapes her bum round like an apple.
Maybe she put blackness and watery particules to circle the changing rays of  her pupils,
green, blue, yellow sparks and you catch fire when she watches you.
Maybe her cheeks show marks of a shy but cheerful personality, a smiler at heart.
Maybe the pure tone of her skin fits the untidyness of her hair,
and flowers are prettier when delicately arranged on her head.
Maybe her hypotic arms fly in a trance that carries you on a stream of desire.

We can think a thousand "maybes" that this girl can have,
that girl just there, definitely pretty.

Then you think about your own partner, the one you decided to "surrender" to,
a liberation, a mutual trust, not a misunderstood enslavement.
(Well, at least an attempt at that, more or less unconscious, more or less successful)
You would get lost in that strong feeling, your entire body vibrates,
your chest is open and rejuvenating,
creases form on the corner of your eyes as they get tighter in concentration of joy,
your muscles relapse
your head turns up, you rise in that certitude.

Men do you feel that,
could you, would you?!

Then you would feel enticed to think and say tenderly
"It's you i chose",
all the greatest unbreakable affection you feel,
overwhelming.
And that's a realization that appearance is nought,
real connections are in the stillness of Being.

But,
The question was : why do men feel an impulse of affection toward their girlfriends when they see a beautiful woman?

So,
is it lust, always....
?!

Disconnection, story of loneliness (Kûki ningyô)

 -Say, do you know a bug
called the mayfly?

-The mayfly...
Dies a day or 2 after it gives birth
So its body is empty
No stomach or intestines
It's filled with eggs instead
It's a creature that's born
only to give birth
Humans aren't so different
Pointless...

-I'm empty, too...

-A marvelous coincidence
I'm the same...
I'm all empty

-I wonder if there are others

-These days, everybody is

-Everybody?

-Yes, especially,
everyone living in this kind of city
You're not the only one


-Say, do you know this poem?

-Poem?

-You don't know poems?

-Doesn't matter,

-"Life is..."

-Life is...

-Let's see, "life is..."

-Let's see, life is?

It seems life

is constructed in a way

that no one can fulfill it alone

Just as

it's not enough for flowers

to have pistils and stamens

An insect or a breeze

must introduce a pistil to a stamen

Life contains its own absence,

which only an Other can fulfill

It seems the world
is the summation of Others

And yet,

We neither know nor are told

that we will fulfill each other

We lead our scattered lives,

perfectly unaware of each other...

(-Welcome, would you like
to buy a cake?)

(-The master has come home

Welcome back, Master)

Or at times, allowed to find

the Other's presence disagreeable

Why is it,

that the world is constructed
so loosely?

(-I'm Misato

-How old are you, Misato?

-I'm 24

-24...

-Misato, do you know
a good restaurant nearby?

-I just started yesterday

-I understand

-What do you like?

-I like pasta

-I like pasta, too!)

(-I want Extra Rice

-I want Extra Rice, too

-Cancel the ham and cheese
hamburg steak

-Lunch specials?

-More water with lots of ice

-Right away

-I'll take the lunch special instead

-The lunch special?)

(-The suspect, Kume, confessed that

he had bought one gram from a foreigner
for 7,000 Yen when he traveled to Osaka

-So expensive...)

A horse fly,

bathed in light,

flies in close

to a blooming flower

I, too, might have been

someone's horse fly

Perhaps you, too,

had once been my breeze

Transforming suffering into peace

"I do not see how one can surrender to suffering. As you yourself pointed out, suffering is non-surrender. How could you surrender to non-surrender?

Forget about surrender for a moment. When your pain is deep, all talk of surrender will probably seem futile and meaningless anyway. When your pain is deep, you will likely have a strong urge to escape from it rather than surrender to it. You don't want to feel what you feel. What could be more normal? But there is no escape, no way out. There are many pseudo escapes _ work, drink, drugs, anger, projection, suppression, and so on _ but they don't free you from the pain. Suffering does not diminish in intensity when you make it unconscious. When you deny emotional pain, everything you do or think as well as your relationships become contaminated with it. You broadcast it, so to speak, as the energy you emanate, and others will pick it up subliminally. If they are unconscious, they may even feel compelled to attack or hurt you in some way, or you may hurt them in an unconscious projection of your pain. You attract and manifest whatever corresponds to your inner state.

When there is no way out, there is still always a way through. So don't turn away from the pain. Face it. Feel it fully. Feel it _ don't think about it! Express it if necessary, but don't create a script in your mind around it. Give all your attention to the feeling, not to the person, event, or situation that seems to have caused it. Don't let the mind use the pain to create a victim identity for yourself out of it. Feeling sorry for yourself and telling others your story will keep you stuck in suffering. Since it is impossible to get away from the feeling, the only possibility of change is to move into it; otherwise, nothing will shift. So give your complete attention to what you feel, and refrain from mentally labeling it. As you go into the feeling, be intensely alert. At first, it may seem like a dark and terrifying place, and when the urge to turn away from it comes, observe it but don't act on it. Keep putting your attention on the pain, keep feeling the grief, the fear, the dread, the loneliness, whatever it is. Stay alert, stay present _ present with your whole Being, with every cell of your body. As you do so, you are bringing a light into this darkness. This is the flame of your consciousness.

At this stage, you don't need to be concerned with surrender anymore. It has happened already. How? Full attention is full acceptance, is surrender. By giving full attention, you use the power of the Now, which is the power of your presence. No hidden pocket of resistance can survive in it. Presence removes time. Without time, no suffering, no negativity, can survive.

The acceptance of suffering is a journey into death. Facing deep pain, allowing it to be, taking your attention into it, is to enter death consciously. When you have died this death, you realize that there is no death _ and there is nothing to fear. Only the ego dies. Imagine a ray of sunlight that has forgotten it is an inseparable part of the sun and deludes itself into believing it has to fight for survival and create and cling to an identity other than the sun. Would the death of this delusion not be incredibly liberating?

Do you want an easy death? Would you rather die without pain, without agony? Then die to the past every moment, and let the light of your presence shine away the heavy, timebound self you thought of as "you"."

The Power of Now

And then now as a bonus it's time for a cynical clip :

All fears are fear of death, because all is individual perception and the egoic mind doesn't want to be destroyed, which happens in all negative emotions, that's a fear to lose a part of one's mind (a fake created identity), hence fear of death and destruction. (Be it in any sort of relationships with others, or in attachment to any material and immaterial things [i think immaterial things are the same as relationships to others if lightning and air can be seen as "material"])

(I wrote that without having read the end of the chapter yet and it happenned that it was totally insightful, so i noted the ending in the following entry : "transforming suffering into peace", purrrrrr i enjoy that  growing and swirling knowledge very much eh eh)

Transforming illness into enlightenment

"Surrender does not transform what is, at least not directly. Surrender transforms you. When you are transformed, your whole world is transformed, because the world is only a reflection.

If you looked in the mirror and did not like what you saw, you would have to be mad to attack the image in the mirror. That is precisely what you do when you are in a state of nonacceptance. And, of course, if you attack the image, it attacks you back. If you accept the image, no matter what it is, if you become friendly toward it, it cannot not become friendly toward you. This how you change the world.

Illness is not the problem. You are the problem _ as long as the egoic mind is in control. When you are ill or disabled, do not feel that you have failed in some way, do not feel guilty. Do not blame life for treating you unfairly, but do not blame yourself either. All that is resistance. If you have a major illness, use it for enlightenment. Anything "bad" that happens in your life _ use it for enlightenment. Whithdraw time frome the illness. Do not give it any past or future. Let it force you into intense present-moment awareness _ and see what happens.

Become an alchemist. Transmute base metal into gold, suffering into consciousness, disaster into enlightenment.

Are you seriously ill and feeling angry now about what i have just said? Then that is a clear sign that the illness has become part of your sense of self and that you are now protecting your identity _ as well as protecting the illness. The condition that is labelled "illness" has nothing to do with who you truly are."

The Power of Now

Noise is Music, and Music is Noise.

midday reflection (letter)

"You're right, sometimes we need support and compassion, feeling that someone is close, connected, if not through words but with a physical grip, a subtle closeness, but who will want of someone like me, filled with those ideas, philosophy and opinions, i don't see an escape either, so i must continue to learn about my own strength, even if isolated and drifting far from the common expectations, the common life, the common love, which people gather around, the wind is blowing, the rain is falling, it is dark out of my window this afternoon, the glass to my landscape is broken and the plants are torn and unrooted, i must go on, but you're right, sometimes i'd like someone to soothe my loneliness in the most simple and sincere fashion.
If i go far enough maybe i'll go over that, i can't dwell on that thought or i'll waste the momentum of the present, it starts with one step, but somewhat i hope it will be toward that right one, and not leading me astray in a fog of blankness and emotionless void."

Surrender in personal relationships

(Very long extract, Wow, i almost wrote an entire chapter here, eh eh, for me it's very relevant!)

" What about people who want to use me, manipulate me or control me? Am i to surrender to them?

They are cut off from Being, so they unconsciously attempt to get energy and power from you. It is true that only an unconscious person will try to use or manipulate others, but it is equally true that only an unconscious person can be used and manipulated. If you resist or fight unconscious behavior in others, you become unconscious yourself. But surrender doesn't mean that you allow yourself to be used by unconscious people. Not at all. It is perfectly possible to say "no" firmly and clearly to a person or to walk away from a situation and be in a state of complete inner nonresistance at the same time. When you say "no" to a person or a situation, let it come not from reaction but from insight, from a clear realization of what is right or not right for you at that moment. Let it be a nonreactive "no", a high-quality "no", a "no" that is free of all negativity and so creates no further suffering.

 I am in a situation at work that is unpleasant. I have tried to surrender to it, but i find it impossible. A lot of resistance keeps coming up.

If you cannot surrender, take action immediately : Speak up or do something to bring about a change in the situation _ or remove yourself from it. Take responsibility for your life. Do not pollute your beautiful, radiant inner Being nor the Earth with negativity. Do not give unhappiness in any form whatsoever a dwelling place inside you.

If you cannot take action, for example if you are in prison, then you have two choices left : resistance or surrender. Bondage or inner freedom from external conditions. Suffering or inner peace.

 Is non resistance also to be practiced in the external conduct of our lives, such as nonresistance to violence, or is it something that just concerns our inner life?

You only need to be concerned with the inner aspect. That is primary. Of course, that will also transform the conduct of your outer life, your relationships, and so on.

Your relationships will be changed profoundly by surrender. If you can never accept what is, by implication you will not be able to accept anybody the way they are. You will judge, criticize, label, or attempt to change people. Furthermore, if you continuously make the Now into a means to an end in the future, you will also make every person you encounter or relate with into a means to an end. The relationship _ the human being _ is then of secondary importance to you, or of no importance at all. What you can get out of the relationship is primary _ be it material gain, a sense of power, physical pleasure, or some form of ego gratification.

Let me illustrate how surrender can work in relationships. When you become involved in an argument or some conflict situation, perhaps with a partner or someone close to you, start by observing how defensive you become as your own position is attacked, or feel the force of your own aggression as you attack the other person's position. Observe the attachment to your views and opinions. Feel the mental-emotional energy behind your need to be right and make the other person wrong. That's the energy of the egoic mind. You make it conscious by acknowledging it, by feeling it as fully as possible. Then one day, in the middle of an argument, you will suddenly realize that you have a choice, and you may decide to drop your own reaction _ just to see what happens. You surrender. I don't mean dropping the reaction just verbally by saying, "Okay, you are right", whith a look on your face that says, "I am above all this childish unconsciousness." That's just displacing the resistance to another level, with the egoic mind still in charge, claiming superiority. I am speaking of letting go of the entire mental-emotional energy fiedlg inside you that was fighting for power.

The ego is cunning, so you have to be very alert, very present, and totally honest with yourself to see whether you have truly relinquished your identification with a mental position and so freed yourself from your mind. If you suddenly feel very light, clear, and deeply at peace, that is an unmistakable sign that you have truly surrendered. Then observe what happens to the other person's mental position as you no longer energize it through resistance. When identification with mental position is out of the way, true communication begins.

The ego believes that in your resistance lies your strength, whereas in truth resistance cuts you off from Being, the only place of true power. Resistance is weakness and fear masquerading as strenght. What the ego sees as weakness is your Being in its purity, innoncence, and power. What it sees as strength is weakness. So the ego exists in a continuous resistance-mode and plays counterfeit roles to cover up your "weakness", which in truth is your power.

Until there is surrender, unconscious role-playing constitutes a large part of human interaction. In surrender, you no longer need ego defenses and false masks. You become very simple, very real. "That's dangerous", says the ego. "You'll get hurt. you'll become vulnerable." What the ego doeans' know, of course, is that only through the letting go of resistance, through becoming "vulnerable," can you discover your true and essential invulnerability."

The Power of Now

"Remember that your perception of the world is a reflection of your state of consciousness. You aren't separate from it, and there is no objective world out there. Every moment, your consciousness creates the world that you inhabit. One of the greatest insights that has come out of modern physics is that of the unity between the observer and the observed : the person conducting the experiment _ the observing consciousness _ cannot be separated from the observed phenomena, to behave differently. If you believe, on a deep level, in separation and the struggle for survival, then you see that belief reflected all around you and your perceptions are governed by fear. You inhabit a world of death and of bodies fighting, killing, and devouring each other.

Nothing is what it seems to be. The world that you create and see through the egoic mind may seem a very imperfect place, even a vale of tears. But whatever you perceive is only a kind of symbol, like an image in a dream. It is how your consciousness interprets and interacts with the molecular energy dance of the universe. This energy is the raw material of so-called physical reality. You see it in terms of bodies and birth and death, or as a struggle for survival. An infinite number of completely different interpretations, completely different worlds, is possible and, in fact, exists _ all depending on the perceiving consciousness. Every being is a focal point of consciousness, and every such focal point creates its own world, although all those worlds are interconnected. There is a human world, an ant world, a dolphin world, and so on. There are countless beings whose consciousness frequency is so different from yours that you are probably unaware of their existence, as they are of yours. Highly conscious beings who are aware of their connectedness with the Source and with each other would inhabit a world that to you would appear as a heavenly realm _ and yet all worlds are ultimately one."

The Power of Now

The Nature of Compassion

"Having gone beyond the mind-made opposites (good and bad, like and dislike), you become like a deep lake. The outer situation of your life and whatever happens there is the surface of the lake. Sometimes calm, sometimes windy and rough, according to the cycles and seasons. Deep down, however, the lake is always undisturbed. You are the whole lake, not just the surface, and you are in touch with your own depth, which remains absolutely still. You don't resist change by mentally clinging to any situation. Your inner peace does not depend on it. You abide in Being _ unchanging, timeless, deathless _ and you are no longer dependent for fulfillment or happiness on the outer world of constantly fluctuating forms. You can enjoy them, play with them, create new forms, appreciate the beauty of it all. But there will be no need to attach yourself to any of it.

When you become this detached, does it not mean that you also become remote from other human beings?

On the contrary. As long as you are unaware of Being, the reality of other humans will elude you, because you have not found your own. Your mind will like or dislike their form, which is not just their body but includes their mind as well. True relationship becomes possible only when there is an awareness of Being. Coming from Being, you will perceive another person's body and mind as just a screen, as it were, behind which you can feel their true reality, as you feel yours. So, when confronted with someone else's suffering or unconscious behavior, you stay present and in touch with Being and are thus able to look beyond the form and feel the other person's radiant and pure Being through your own. At the level of Being, all suffering is recognized as an illusion. Suffering is due to identification with form. Miracles of healing sometimes occur through this realization, by awakening Being-consciousness in others _ if they are ready."

The Power of Now

The Hunger of the Tiger excerpt, rough translation, (original text down below)

The hind abandonning herself to the bellow in the night of a spring of Chambord ignores the consequences of the satisfaction of her desires, as is the male covering her. The cats fighting for a she-cat in a public square and keeping a thousand Parisians from sleeping ignore that the move of the victor will generate kittens. The flower of the bindweed doesn't know that it will become seed. The bindweed doesn't know why it is blooming.

It seems _ it seems : we can't be sure of anything regarding animal consciousness and we are even more ignorant about vegetable psychism _ it seems mankind is the one amongst living things to make a connection of cause and consequences between the sexual act and childbirth. Some australian tribes, it is said, haven't still got the relation. As for the humans supposedly civilized who know perfectly well that sex is the instrument of reproduction, they are nontheless conditionned in a way that they generally forget the purpose and plainly let themselves drive by the mean, that is by the desire, as is the cat in the square or the stag of Chambord.

("La biche qui s'offre au dix-cors dans la nuit d'un printemps de Chambord ignore les conséquences de la satisfaction de son désir, comme l'ignore le mâle qui la couvre. Les chats qui se battent pour une chatte dans un square et empêchent mille Parisiens de dormir ignorent que le geste du vainqueur se traduira par des chatons. La fleur du liseron ne sait pas qu'elle deviendra graine. Le liseron ne sait pas pourquoi il fleurit."

"Il semble - il semble : nous ne pouvons être sûrs de rien en ce qui concerne la conscience animale et nous sommes encore plus ignorants du psychisme végétal - il semble que l'homme soit le seul parmi les vivants à établir une relation de cause à effet entre l'acte sexuel et l'enfantement. Certaines tribus australiennes n'ont même pas encore, paraît-il, fait le rapprochement. Quant aux hommes dits civilisés qui savent pertinemment que le sexe est l'instrument de la reproduction, ils sont cependant conditionnés de telle façon qu'ils oublient en général le but et se laissent tout bonnement tirer par le moyen, c'est-à-dire par le désir, tout comme le chat du square ou le cerf de Chambord.")

La Faim du Tigre

Using and Relinquishing Negativity

"Negativity is totally unnatural. It is a psychic pollutant, and there is a deep link between the poisoning and destruction of nature and the vast negativity that has accumulated in the  collective human psyche. No other life-form on the planet knows negativity, only humans, just as no other life-form violates and poisons the Earth that sustains it. Have you ever seen an unhappy flower or a stressed oak tree? Have you come across a depressed dolphin, a frog that has a problem with self esteem, a cat that cannot relax, or a bird that carries hatred and resentment? The only animals that may occasionally experience something akin to negativity or show signs of neurotic behavior are those that live in close contact with humans and so link into the human mind and its insanity."

"Somebody says something to you that is rude or designed to hurt. Instead of going into unconscious reaction and negativity, such as attack, defense, or withdrawal, you let it pass right through you. Offer no resistance. It is as if there is nobody there to get hurt anymore. That is forgiveness. In this way, you become invulnerable. You can still tell that person that his or her behavior is unacceptable, if that is what you choose to do. But that person no longer has the power to control your inner state. You are then in your power _ not in someone else's, nor are you run by your mind. Whether it is a car alarm, a rude person, a flood, an earthquake, or the loss of all your possessions, the resistance mechanism is the same."

The Power of Now

Produit de la transformation de la cellule initiale et de l'activité de milliards de cellules usines, l'homme ne peut à aucun moment et d'aucune façon intervenir pour diriger leur travail. Il est leur résultat, non leur maître. Il les maltraite, les empoisonne, les asphyxie, les mutile. Elles font face, tant qu'elles peuvent. Quand la mort survient pour l'individu et pour elles, quand la matière vivante se défait et retourne aux éléments, une de ces cellules, ou deux, ou plusieurs parmi des milliards, s'est détachée de l'individu et a transmis la vie et les ordres. La forme de vie que lui et ses semblables sont chargés d'assurer continue. L'individu a servi à cela. Il a servi à maintenir, pour sa part infime, l'énorme courant qui entraîne, parmi tant d'autres, son espèce dans le temps et l'espace.
Né d'une goutte de vie qui porte des ordres, il doit porter plus loin l'une et les autres et faire, quand vient le moment, se détacher de lui des essaims de cellules messagères dont l'une ou deux ou plusieurs porteront plus loin que lui les ordres par lesquels il a vécu et qui lui survivront.
Déterminé par les constituants, emporté par ce qu'il constitue, impuissant à se diriger, ignorant de sa direction, l'être humain n'a qu'une apparence de vie autonome. Son existence individuelle est une supercherie.

La Faim du Tigre.

Here comes being consistently Alone

"If you are consistently or at least predominantly present in your relationship, this will be the greatest challenge for your partner. They will not be able to tolerate your presence for very long and stay unconscious. If they are ready, they will walk through the door that you opened for them and join you in that state. If they are not, you will separate like oil and water. The light is too painful for someone who wants to remain in darkness."

The Power of Now

(enlighntened one, prepare to be mostly alone, as conscious people are very rare, or anyone on that path.)

From addictive to enlightened relationships

"Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of "Being" but the "love" of ego. However, the intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him of her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs.

Even in an otherwise addictive relationship, there may be moments when something more real shines through, something beyond your mutual addictive needs. These are moments when both your and your partner's mind briefly subside and the pain-body is temporarily in a dormant state. This may sometimes happen during physical intimacy, or when you are both witnessing the miracle of childbirth, or in the presence of death, or when one of you is seriously ill _ anything that renders the mind powerless. When this happens, your Being, which is usually buried underneath the mind, becomes revealed, and it is this that makes true communication possible.

Trus communication is communion _the realization of oneness, which is love. Usually, this is quickly lost again, unless you are able to stay present enough to keep out the mind and its old patterns. As soon as the mind and mind identification return, you are no longer yourself but a mental image of yourself, and you start playing games and roles again to get your ego needs met. You are a human mind again, pretending to be a human being, interacting with another mind, playing a drama called "love".

Although brief glimpses are possible, love cannot flourish unless you are permanently free of mind identification and your presence is intense enough to have dissolved the pain-body _ or you can at least remain present as the watcher. The pain-body cannot then take you over and so become destructive of love.

The Power of Now

Addiction and the search for wholeness (continuation with the book, it's just so deep)

"If in your relationships you experience both "love" and the opposite of love _ attack, emotional violence, and so on _ then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no oppostie. If your "love" has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. Ti is the ego's substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation.

But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the "love relationship" now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain.

-

Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid the pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too."

The Power of Now

Portals into the Unmanifested (the question of "love")

"It's up to you to open a portal in your life that gives you conscious access to the Unmanifested. Get in touch with the energy field of the inner body, be intensely present, disidentify from the mind, surrender to what is; these are all portals you can use -- but you only need to use one.

Surely love must also be one of those portals?

No, it isn't. As soon as one of the portals is open, love is present in you as the "feeling-realization" of oneness. Love isn't a portal; it's what comes through the portal into this world. As long as you are completely trapped in your form identity, there can be no love. Your task is not to search for love but to find a portal through which love can enter."

The Power of Now

(some concept i had sensed a long time ago, and i got now a closer description coming from the author of that book)

Look beyond the words

"Don't get stuck on the level of words. A word is no more than a mean to an end. It's an abstraction. Not unlike a signpost, it points beyond itself. The word honey isn't honey. You can study and talk about honey for as long as you like, but you won't really know it until you taste it. After you have tasted it, the word becomes less important to you. You won't be attached to it anymore."

The Power of Now

(and an image of honey isn't honey either, so that you can understand that words and images are just an illusion, now you can notice how much of our societies are based on illusions made to control, what is real is the individual, the acts, the connections, the sense of unity and wholeness coming from each thing, even a stone can have consciousness in the bind of its atoms)