Fragments of hatred

(music)

A need to find some worth in me, a need of intimacy,----- i should have said to those eyes they were pretty to me, ----i've said it so many times,----i speak,---- i try,---- i speak by periods, ----they don't last thirty seconds in reflection,---- makes me question what i know, if what i take interest in can really be shared, ----is that too random,---- or too much personal,---- too much intimate,---- most can't follow, most are affraid to follow me there,---- intellectually i'm kind of a freak but i feel proud of that, physically... always that fucking unbalance, i keep sweeping and turning that dogma i'm trying to create for myself, but the unbalance is growing up,---- i know i'm a jerk,---- i'm as discrimatory as anyone, ----maybe worst even,---- i said ninety percent of girls i see are vain and supercifial to me, ----did i really said unashamedly, ----i'm thinking about a lobotomy, because i'm affraid to die,---- i must deserve where i am,---- i'm still tied to one last string, one leash held by the great puppeteer named "self disgrace" dwelling in my mind,---- i still don't know where's my place, maybe i'm the only one in that niche, ----all i have to do, easily, is let someone in,---- let someone in,---- cut that last string, drop the judgments, and let the unsteady ones in,---- to limp in the light and bear firmly the stones, the crooked smiles, lift the chins up with the tip of one finger,---- there's nothing else to do for now, but where's my time,---- melting,---- oh courage don't leave me, it's the hardest moment, ----i'll sell off my poor old bones for one more share of wisdom, or a simple knife for my chest,---- while the world rolls baffled, i'm the victim of a foolish cult,---- i watch my speckled skin, the tension, the thin muscles i want to keep, the shivers and the crave, the sincere loving, the foretold changing to find another niche more frequented, ----"you want to make yourself ugly",---- don't criticize, i just want to find a place, if among something else because that's what i am and i should stop pretending, stop fearing, stop dreaming, stop growing, stop hoping, stop thinking, stop, stop, stop, STOP ------------------------------ feeling.



for no one



Moore - spinning goodbye

Pour la beauté

----Tu veux savoir la question qui me reste, que vaut mon corps, pas à un niveau purement sexuel, mais que peut on ressentir à toucher mon corps, suis je "en forme" et désirable ou simplement un odieux tas de viande desséché, j'ai pu te faire confiance et pourtant je me sens si laid. Ou est la solution, que je cherche vainement dans ma propre tête, depuis si longtemps, et si c'est l'autre qui la possédait, qui pourrait me délivrer, pour faire tomber les barrières qui m'isolent de "l'autre" j'aurais besoin de lui et de son contact affectueux, n'est ce pas ironique, c'est un cercle vicieux dans lequel je suis condamné, quelle femme aurait la force, la volonté et l'impudeur de se présenter et briser mon mur de honte. -----

(Reminder : after an intimate moment a man questions himself and his relation to others, i think i'm good at writing tragically, to increase over proportion what i feel, that's an amazing ability because of the power of my emotions, i like that and when i'll have the entire intellectual control on it i'll do wonders for me and for others in this life.)

I desire you whole.

The beats of my heart are so strong that my entire body trembles.

Sometimes i feel like a love machine.

Body and Soul.

All aware and ready to give.

That love is in me!

Inexhaustible.

______

i want to carry and to touch
to rub, to caress, to massage
i want to embrace and to press
i want to kiss, kiss and kiss again
i want to lick
i want to go in
i want to watch every convulsion
hear every moan
and smell to drunkenness

I want to say all i feel, all i want
Tout cet amour avec Vous

The lover (of love)

You can make love to anybody, and physically, mechanically, substantially it will be good, with anybody. But psychologically, lastingly beyond in the realm of emotions, you can't be pleased if you don't love. Do people really know what it is to love, and do they really want it.

(my guess it is true for every primal pleasure)
(through sex, through food, through sleep)

I demystify the body and the bodily desires!

Absolute is a stone. "Would you help me to carry that stone".

Pieces of Jesus, ugly and frail with ideals, love was never granted to him, he asked for adoration.

Writing stains in a dark mind

I like all that is dark, melancholy, tormented, it's emotion i relate and crave, the blood flowers, serious and true, picked along the path, i prefer rain on a filthy, gloomy street than the sun over the uniformity of an exotic beach;
Rain has more intimacy with me than the praised sun, will we see an apocalyptic knight riding on a warm spring afternoon?! No way! He goes, wild and insane, in a stormy night, with pouring rain and heavy lightnings;
It's how i roll, it's my motor, and i'm proud, i've accepted it, it's my joy, different from the majority, welcome mister Sinister, it's how i feel alive, my sensitivity burns, my imagination grows.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsbxV7Y-trQ&feature=feedf

Talking the peacefullness of an ocean becoming night sky

I am sprawled on a cheap couch, next to me is a big fat white woman, the room is dark, i can hardly see what's around thanks to the flashes comming from a switched on tv set, throwing in spurts that faint blue light, the soft dress of the woman gives me the impression she's naked, an enormous dough of fresh bread covered with a thin veil, we are here for a while now, settled as rocks on the bottom of an ocean, talking calmly, but continuously, without paying attention to the images on the tv, my limbs are flat dead, i turn my head to the big lady, she's huge, i can't see her head, her face, she's only a pile of round flesh, transluscent skin, i begin to climb her body, grabbing onto the wads, i'm talking to her, she's replying nicely, she's not moving, not helping either, then i lie there, on the top, using her smooth and large body as a cushion, and i'm watching the stars.

Describing the beauty as best as i can.

(what i see here is my newly awakened need for affection [i write "affection", not "sexual intercourse"!], total acceptance of my body by someone else, the sad fact that my mom infinitely loved me but only intellectually, wise and protective like a far away lighthouse, never in touching, never in soothing gestures, pats of affection, which led to my distance with corporeal needs and the importance of intellectual matching characteristics, also the lack of confidence in my physical appearance, compared to my iron drenched personal philosophy)

something like that

Here's something that happens to me sometimes, it was longer and scarier last time.
I lie down on my bed with some music on, i let it carry me into a little nap, focusing only on the notes and the images it produces in my mind, slowly i sink to unconscioussness, it's peaceful, even pleasant, but many times to get out of that state something is wrong, it's like my brain awakes faster than my body, still a little mixed with imagination, delusions, i sense it's time to get up, but i notice i can't move, i think of my limbs, to my eyelids, i command them one by one to move, but i'm stuck, like if i was immured alive, i hear the music and flashes occur as my eyelids try to open, i guess that's what can feel a guy stricken with tetraplegia, so i start to panic, i scream against my body, "move please move!", transforming into a wimpy pleading, and i imagine my mouth slightly opening, my dry throat, but no sound coming out of it, i'm paralysed but in a semi conscioussness, it's a very disturbing feeling, i sense a huge quantity of waves crashing inside my chest, the life force searching for a rhythm, but it's a storm of irregularity and chaos inside, that time despair began to rise in my thoughts, it lasted so long, i put all my energy to drag me out, to make me at least fall off the matress, i wanted someone to hear me and come into the room, but it was impossible, nothing was reactive, after a while i felt resigned and powerless, it's never so long usually i had the time to experience complete hopelessness, or it's a bit like a taste of death.
Finally i emerged, relieved, pounded, and bewildered.

(at one point in that confused situation i've even beholded a mouse, running along the ridge, then climbing on my leg and jumping toward my face, i was fresh meat, clearly doomed, a sign of the end)

What have i got to give to people, to those who want presents, to those who want security, whereas there's only my own self to share.

I guess a sign of real love is after you've done it, once lust is consumed, you still crave to touch and stay close to the person, you still see her beautiful.

Here (this is pathetic)

These words are my inner voice, those who like these words will probably like me.
My core, but not necesarily my flesh envelop, though, i wish to be whole.

Am i trying to reassure myself, or is it a good reasoning!

the wide variety of speeches

Sometimes i think : "i don't know how to express myself correctly", my sentences are wobbly, i rush my words and end up using unproper ones, i speak too fast and i'm not using those i was searching for, sometimes i even don't have the time to form a complete image in my head to describe what i want to say, because someone's waiting for my answer and it's so complex, my brain naturally wants to make it wild, adventurous, magnificent and luxuriant , so i obviously cannot speak it comprehensively without taking a little time to assemble it;
Before, those occurences were making me feel stupid, unsuited for direct communication, i see myself again starting to feel unconfortable and scrutinized, my eyes were fluttering, i couldn't watch straight at the person in front of me, and my gestures were being awkward and shaky, like i'm trying to slip away, praying for a catastrophe in the vicinity so i can escape that dreadful examination, something to put the other's attention away.
I realize now, too many people just don't give me the time, if i start to expand my stories, to give it life and precision, make an emotional tale off a tiny event, most people plainly drift away, they want the facts, not the dreamy foreign interpretation, maybe they simply don't care about a different view on things than theirs or their mind just can't process too much details and imaginative pieces, but that's how i function and i like it, so that's why i must recognize who can really hear me, and when i have to talk flatly, dully as a tv announcer, i'm more and more convinced i need to speak to people with a poetic mind, that can be pleased by my images and bring it theirs, listening peacefully, just enjoying, immersing fully in the moment.

That's what i am, i'm a guy who wants to make every moment precious and unforgettable, to illuminate, in their sweet veil, the memories.

why i like to drink fresh water in winter days

why i like to drink fresh water even in winter days, to feel the sting down my throat, sometimes the burn of a hot beverage too, the point is to excite the sensations; something insipid, with no strenght, makes me feel dead, as hollow as an old stump devoured by termits a long time ago; the same as the hurt in the stomach rised by a vivid hunger, i need what blows and slaps, going all the way like walking on a path of thorns, if i'm going to feel through the things i like, i can't pretend, i want it to wash me off and leave me like a wreck with a taste of weariness, i enjoyed it all to the bottom and i gave it all to what i love, when thirsty i will drink all the water off a fall, eagerly, and let it crush me.

wandering

The room is dirty, there are loads of white specks scattered all over the floor, we can feel a bump under the feet when walking on a bigger one, an uncanny warmth is floating across, following the path of the wind from one open window to the other, no need for much cloth covering the body, the ivy with its hanging crimson leaves is still climbing the grid on the balcony, and right next to it a grasshoper hanged lethargically on the wall, it hasn't moved from the early hours of the day, the air is vibrating under the insane, lancinating noise of drilling machines nearby, which seems to never pause, the hands are torn, dead scales are pointing out to fall over a caress, scorn is everywhere, soon to be replaced by weariness and relinquishment, dust gathered on the recesses of untouched objects, and what is touched is peeling off, can't love without destroying, and can't live in waiting, people stop tenderly to look at the kittens playing in the growing grass, the dark haired lady doesn't care, she walks straight through the gate to the door and doesn't hold it on to no begging, curtains are drawn, heat waves push people in locked shadows, one message : "you forget that up there for one week now" but indifference, not indifference, rather forgetfullness, all appeal to go out, to decypher those moving poems, to dive into fresh water, to smile back to the eyes that search for you.

I had more struggles than joys in my life, that is probably why i'm enticed to sadness and anticonformism, but the balance can be turned around anytime, along my path to personal well being, and like this i could enjoy not only melancholy but also happiness in everything around, unlike most of others i'll have the control of my entire self, i'll be a sage.

And this is hope for everyone of us !

I just got a strike, a revelation, we can decide to love whoever we want, the same as we are able to enjoy every moment, every sight, every situation, yeah i belive it, because we are able to see what's beautiful for ourself in everything and everyone, we are able to focus on what is good and beautiful for us and love it unconditionally, we can separate the part we like from the part we dislike, discard, anihilate in our mind the vile part, and just, bask and thrive in the love of the beautiful part, coming from within ourself. This is focusing on the good and i swear it is everywhere, nothing is irremediably good or irremediably bad, so we can choose to see the good for ourself all around, in objects, events, creations and people, in abstract and in matter, everywhere, i sincerely believe it's right.
We can stay true and be happy.

For me, relations with others shouldn't be set by primal attraction but by the sharing of one's unicity, and the attachement grows from this sharing, long and lasting.

universal pep talk

Here's something i thought about, that is good for everybody, i think, eh :
you deserve what you like, so what you like must be the best for you. know what you like and don't settle on what is average and shallow for yourself.
Because you are judging yourself, not others, so you have the choice to feel fine with who you are right now, at every moment, and you also have the choice to be whoever you want to be, change who you are the more you learn about yourself, but in the end you always have the choice.
Live with a set of disguises usable to fit half empty situations or live as your real naked self, and enjoy it proudly, then so the situations will present naturally to you, ain't a tired souless chameleon anymore, but a bird in the freedom of air, space and multiple perches, with ever full manger.