The invention of time serves the system

In the modern world, the human lives are controled by the clock, which represents the time, (it has no incidence in the present), i think it's an error implied by the creation of profit and productivity, this same system keeping human into insidious slavery, the prominent and correct rules to me should be those of nature, hence we should based our lives on our needs, and not on efficiency as it is now; i could add that this peculiar greedy system is spreading through evolution of human communities, (probably because those with the most knowledge and power choose this system for their own interest, even if by this choice many are left with nothing), i imagine in some tribes around the world the time doesn't exist, they simply live in a sort of harmony with the nature listening to their primal needs; i'd like the system to change and i'd like spreading knowledge and awareness. Based the system on better values, more humanistic, and keeping the evolution through learning, discovery, knowledge.

Thinking positive

I'm proud of my sensitivity, i believe i have fineness, i know i'm not in the norm of beauty but i'm still in good shape, i'm curious and i have imagination, i'm a diletant but i try to close what i begin, i love to learn and make links, when i say something i mean it, i believe i'm trustworthy, i'm not really sociable but i think i'm gentle, i may be "too intellectual" for common people but that's how i am, my interests are different, i like the core of things, the meanings, the truths, my appearance prevents me from being materialistic, i hate clichés, well, i'm not easy but i'm not useless, i know i have qualities even if people don't see it in their own interests, life is hard but i want to believe i can belong somewhere, to someone.

Lack

Having self confidence is being sure that no one will ever deceive us, it's imagining we can get out of every situations imaginable, it's feeling above any defaults, i'm not presomptious enough to be self confident.

Growing Inequity

He's good looking, time gets no marks on him; he's successful in a job he likes, moreover a well paid job; he's fluent and smart, perfectly assorted words are distributed generously, sprinkled with the charm of his smiles; i can swear he's well integrated in this society; he has Malgasy origin; he's not very tall and strong, rather thin and dynamic; he has a sane, educated life; he swims, performs as a dj in specific bars, reads, and goes out freely as he knows all the routes of his city; he adapts and acts surely for his best; doors are open for him, and he enjoys his creative job; his parents, provided him with a wealthy childhood, and taught him self confidence in most of situations; the size is nothing, the smile on his look snaps only good testimonies on his case; he seems happy to live and i can't imagine someone couldn't like him; he lives adventures all around the globe, offering secret stays in paradise destinations to his lovely girlfriend, watching him life looks easy... easy, sweet and rolling, like lifting our head along the way to pick a bit at every wonders which can change our spirit in a minute, the scent of shiny flowers, the first drop on our hand, a song we love out of an unknown window, the gaze of a girl we will crave to know, ... and with all this, he is upright... does such a man really exist, because the man himself brought by his mindset this blissful life upon him, can someone be so good, how many are they, why do i feel like i'm the only shit left behind,... this is my childhood pal, i'm impressed, and like with all the people that have an impression on me (even with only the power and beauty of one eye), i feel like shit next to them... my cross is so much people have advantages on me, i get impressed too easily, that's how those i can love can bring me down.

Road to Madness - stage one : Numbness

Up at 8 am

Staring at a screen

Nap at 11 am to 12 : 30 pm

Staring at a screen (even while eating)

Nap at 16 pm to 17 pm

Staring at a screen

Nap at 22 pm to 24 pm

Staring at a screen (a huge part of the night)

Actual beding time at 5 am

Up at 8 am

Staring at a screen

...

....

.....

Soul mate Rêverie

I'm at this bulky wooden table, typing on my computer in a poorly lit room, on my right i could watch through a wide window, a scar running all along the wall, i'm on the first floor and noticing from the outside i must be in a rural town, and more precisely in the appartment above a small train station because i can see right before my dwelling a line of rails crossing the surrounding greenery, the flattened flashy green of abundant trees i can't recall the name; i'm here like it's my home, peaceful, aware of the habits of living in such an environement, once watching the passing trains shaking my scarce stuffs and furnitures, once zoning in the differents rooms which i'm persuaded to be my brothers', flooded with colored toys and posters compared to the austerity of mine, in this atmosphere i am chating... with you, i see my smiles at your replies, i have the awareness of being in a lost place, and you being far, almost in another period of time; between two glances at the faded blue sky of this comforting afternoon, i'm suddenly happily shocked as i see you in your space revealed on the screen, i see you staring at your own screen, then in search for fresh water or lingering before the seemingly same window i have in my room, watching outside, the city, and i see through your eyes, the city, like erratic blocks, brown and grey, stacked boxes with notches on each sides, i remember clearly two orange buildings melting amongst the mass, new ones, not yet caught under the scabs of dirt; i imagine our personal living places which represent our mindset were exactly the same, despite the differences of living style, i was watching you move freely on that screen and the spot you wander in instantly becomes my dream land.

Desir of goodness

Why can't i have all the solutions, a bag full of goodness, when i think about this one person, the troubles to find reconforts in this depraved world, all indifferent and always on the run, when i hear her stories as i murmur the fitted words, i wish so much i could be the answer, the answer of all her griefs, the missing piece, how could we call that feeling, all i want is being happiness, i is not i, in those moments my way is only to make her happy, and without any further thinking i'm sure for a second that if she's happy i'll be happy too, but i always fall back to earth, as i'm not perfect, far from it, it seems exclusiveness can't materialize only because no one and nothing is perfect, we all need different things, rebirth everyday, we're not so easily satisfied, even if at those very moments my mind makes me feel absolute is possible, i wish i was the air with the extended wind, invisible and everywhere, no boundaries to stop me, no roads to follow and no one could hurt me, i could be there, i could be all around her, i could bring the marvelous scents, i could slip softly on her skin, i could watch all the beauty, i'll be sane and harmless, maybe those dreams of absolute are a disruption of what is to be human, i'm just human, a too much sensitive human.

Forget to belong

Being part of a group gives sense to life, it brings friends, it helps to go out of oneself, people need something to put all their energy in, let's mention the japanimation fans, those who are fond of a fashion, a look, the punks, the lolitas, belonging to a community to have the impression they are not alone, reducing his vision to one subject consciously to focus, it's accepting we miss all the rest but we will be master in this very subject we chose, life must be easier when we decide what we want to be no matter what we miss beside, it's like wearing blinkers, the mind clearly can't separate on too many interests and the life is too short to practice them all, we have to make choices, and maybe we will miss something we would have been great at but as we chose to wear blinkers we don't care and that's for the best, being the loner isn't a natural thing to choose, it's in fact anti-natural, every human needs to find his sharing partners, chosing a community simplify things, i envy those who can restrict the attention of their mind, sometimes i'd like to live in a mutlicolored world made of the same codes, where everyone is friend and all is entertainement, the simple pleasure of belonging somewhere with no reflections on the why i'm here, just the certainty i'm appreciated, i'm like all the others in this tiny world and we're simply here to enjoy ourselves; sometimes i want a disguise, i want to hide the blackness of my soul, being someone else following the easy rules of a trend, being accepted and embraced as a worthy member of one special community.

Call

I don't need no humans in my life, they always expect something from me, they try to change me knowingly, they change me, i don't need no friends, they are unable to act for themselves, to think for themselves, they impose and tackle, let me do what i want, i should use people, like they all do, i don't need no girlfriend, recalling me that i'm a freak, sawing my arm, my palm delicately laid on her cheek, while whispering me a lullaby, all naive i am; people ask me to be their kickstand, it's how it works actually, everybody search for a support, for the ones who materially help to take decisions, i don't want to choose for others, i've enough of my own turmoils, i don't want to be a kickstand, i'm in search of the absolute desinterestedness, i give myself with no expectations, just because i'm sure, i chose it, i share freely, but humans are fearful and all their life they search for reassurance, whatever the means, egoistically, all for themselves, they search, find, use and leave, i want to say get off my back fuckers, shear your own way, i sense you only want to strip me from my core, now i have nothing to give, people don't come to me because i have no possesions they could hog from me, my kindness becomes a myth, i accept then i withdraw, leaving you in despair, i want near me only one type of persons, those who know who they are, ready to share everything, those no one can despoil, fragile but sure of their needs, ask me anything, for them, for those who expect nothing from me, those who accept without my consent that i am vital in their life, blindly i'll give everything. Give me unconditional-ism.

Tricksters

"Many native traditions held clowns and tricksters as essential to any contact with the sacred. People could not pray until they had laughed, because laughter opens and frees from rigid preconception. Humans had to have tricksters within the most sacred ceremonies for fear that they forget the sacred comes through upset, reversal, surprise. The trickster in most native traditions is essential to creation, to birth".

I knew there was a witty background in "jojo the rabbit", that's why i liked this series, i'm a lot like this trickster, i see similarities, a link between the petty humans and the higher spheres, the flame, the child in everyone, the one who exists to point out the ugly, the profane, the unspeakable of a community, without such a character there is no evolution for humanity, he is here to open every eyes.

When i look sad

There's no more joy in my life for a long time now, i even can't remember a true lasting moment of happiness, though outbursts of magnificent hope are sent to me from over the seas, unfortunately leaving me idle because there's nothing i can do to catch and keep that hope pressed on my chest, and that's why there is only darkness on this blog, i'm unable to enjoy the real simplicity, i need to attach some depth, some background, some analysis on the simpliest events and creations in this world, and this functioning i can't share because that's not the way things work for people socially well integrated, all being bored when they are alone, gasping for easy entertainments, whereas me i'm more creative, i search and learn on every subjects ringing a bell in me, it seems people don't care for general knowledge, they are mainly narrow minded and conditionned to learn by heart, a method i despise, learning must be done through a reasoning and a digging amongst the bazaar of informations; but my learnings, even if it is pleasant, don't bring me to the crest of intense joy, only because it lacks someone to share with me and transcend all emotions; i decided to be disagreeable, i won't say "yes" instantly, i'll be outrageous and speak the worst of my mind, the wretched, the diffamatory but all my truth, maybe i'm drawn to sadness and anger, and for that i'm better alone, i can't play the tolerance for now and taste the nauseous impression that i'm in a mitigated place and my brain undergoes the assaults by a blender of stupidities; those who'll stay, will be those i can share with and spend an honest good time.

What a mistake

I said my feelings ache, because i'm a monster;
Sweet petal easily printed, folded, with livid care;
The attention was shrinking and now i regret,
throw your passions like a heavy stone,
no one can catch with no preparation;
The dry lips, when the peek stick into the wearing black,
the stomach convulses and you remember your mistake;
Pain, lose the key of your senses,
because you're disgracing others before corroding you in shame.

(it goes with the idea of giving hope, but in fact being empty and helpless, feeling regrets by imposing even the nice emotions)

Nearly lost

My introverted attitude and in a way my carefree appearance can fool people about my age, and sometimes despite the anarchic beard i grow, by laziness, or because my thin skin looks like a mine field to me when i'm shaved, despite this slackened image, and maybe because of it, generaly people saw me younger than i really am, kids and teenagers seems to have a good feeling with me, like if i could be a big brother, though i'm still shy, soon i'm going to suffer hugely if i don't make up my mind, try to match my age, take responsibilities, begin to enjoy adult's things, like news and tuxedo........, this is bullshit, i know i won't change inside, those "hobbies" i love, the impetuous guitar playing, the need to move my body through sports or long directionless walks, the carelessness in every pretentious matters, the way i play with toys when i'm with a trusted one in cultural stores, my lack of poise in the most regarded places, this won't change because that's what i like in life, that's what i am, but the time undermines my body and slowly but surely i'm too aware of the effects, the wrinkles like antler in my hand, i'm still in good shape but for how many years now can i compete against the young legs which haven't even lived for two decades yet, i think about shaving my head, this will be my surrender, old age will definitely coat my face, i can't play the rebelious type anymore, i need to be wiser, pondered... i'm already into analysis and keeping distance for so many years while the others enjoyed the boundless freedom of youth, i can't do otherwise than to note that... i never lived!... i never lived elsewhere than in my head, and now possibilities are lost forever, i have to sweep some remaining illusions from my craving youth or i'll shatter in a sudden transformation, when the decrepitude will lay her veil in my eyes and those who see me.

Illusion expectation

I'd like to live above all cities, in a square of glass, something cozy and bright, a nest i'm the only one to know about, a giant globe, a bubble on the highest floor of a tower, i could watch in all the directions like a bird admiring the weather, the show of a myriad of colored light at night fall, making the daily life a scene i'll be less bored, i'll look at them but i don't want them to know my shelter, only the most trusted ones could come visit me anytime they want, for them i will always be visible, we will play and share all our interests serenly then madly, floating at mid distance in the air, i want to know all and taste with my eyes, i want to absorb the capricious day and to melt with the gracious night, high, in my welcoming home, discreet, simple, vivid and hearty.

Cruelty in despair

I need somebody to shove me, today for the first time i can remember i have upset my mom, like the sweetheart she is, she was trying to help me going out of the paperwork mess, i know she's so shy and subtle, she was hiding her natural temper, she was hiding the pain, the difficulty to speak to this ungrateful humanity, i am turning into a monster, why do i slap the hands stretching to pull me out of oily water thick as tar, on some situations, hearing some words, feeling some conceptions, my heart stops, i change myself to an indolent creature, less than that, i am not a living thing anymore, i'm a divine crybaby blasting the willingness of those who only love me enough to sacrifice themselves, i hate myself, i want to disapear, i want to be forgotten, this way i could do no wrong anymore, i wish i would never exist, this way i'll never be a bother to anyone, all i can do now is closing my mind, burying myself under the blanket trying to rebirth, i'm so stubborn i deserve my pain, it's always too late when i feel sorry and haggard, i deserve it, i can picture my mom crying of all the worries i am as a twisted child, please someone shove me out of awareness, i'm so sorry now to be what i am.

Accepting being true

I know something for sure, i have no charisma, i'm clumsy in many ways, i won't state that to pity me, i accept it's a part of my personality; When i walk in the wind my entangled sparse hair worry me constantly; In group games i'm impulsive, lingering slowly then suddenly making a vehement rush; My gazes aren't straight, i can't watch someone in his eyes, i use tricks to gather informations on people's looks and tempers, i roll my head like a travelling camera, my pupils flutter, wide and panicked, make me look shy, unsure, definitely unattractive; I surely don't have the gait of a cat on a low wall with my crooked spine, the throat bent forward like i'm a hunchback, a flaw probably due to all the hours spent jamming in my rock n roll universe, a robust guitar collapsing my left shoulder; My gestures are awkward and i mainly don't know what to do with my hands while i'm in public, hiding them deep in my pockets until i get red semi circle around my wrists like if i was cuffed, or desperatly holding on the strap of my bag, sweaty and oozing fear; Yeah! I recognize i'm not stereotyped with that nonchalant body of mine.

Blending with the walls

Those walls are sulky, it makes me sick, the clinical colors, the yellowish of the dining room fading under the moisture and the dirt, the gloomy doors of a disturbing dark brown, the tainted moquette at which one glance makes me want to spew, the dust in all the corner which i'm allergic to, but i don't care to lose my health for this shitty appartment, the wallpaper rolls down to the floor and the crumbly lamps shed a light so poor it makes me think i'm at a mortuary watch, this cave is like the inside of my being, cold, messy, ragged, maybe some hope is crouched somewhere or it's all gone with the wind blowing through the holes of this pitiful decayed room, if i contort myself enough maybe i could leak toward a definitive escape but ironically i'm too small and my perception is too vast, i'm part of this place, i'm a stain, it's here i belong, in this shabby dungeon representing my mind.

I need an escape, i want to believe i'm better than this, i need you.

(please don't think i'm egoistical, you make me feel better, i want to give, but i need to trust myself... i can't be happy alone.)

the world turns and leaves me here

Another lost day deteriorating my eyes, but what change could i get to enlighten my life, my only ability is to fold my legs under my weary flesh until the pain forces me to take few steps to watch through the window; All covered most of the time, i forget the seasons, my eyes glued to this nefarious screen, maybe i persuade myself that i want nothing because my excitment is an unreachable apple.
Which step do i have to take to release my heaviness and get the legitimate joy everyone is longing for, certainly not those who lead me to stay petrified in front of the turning world.