the BouqueT

I was in a booth trying some pants, my sister waiting outside on the wooden bench, her arms full of the clothes that weren't fitting, then i asked calmy through the short curtain, "do we have time?", concerned that she could be bored and hungry, "It's eleven fifteen, she says, so it's ok", thinking aloud i say "oh we have time then", and immediately after i hear a man's voice, replying with a slight hiccup in his eagerness, playful as he was ending a joke i started, "oh it's ok we have time", and my sister starts to laugh, intrigued i pass my head out of the booth, "what's happening", and i see next to my hilarious sister, two kids, a teenage girl, a man and a woman, a whole family, watching me, all smiling, wide and sincere, "it seems we have the same preoccupation" the man warmly nods toward me, i felt empowered and i thought "the world can't harm me!"

Easy as that , i received a bouquet of smiles.

Cooling up

It's summer in the evening, the heat was unbearable during that day, the dresses and shirts stick to the skin with sweat, but everyone is running home, the thunder is growling out of the pack of thick dark clouds, night is on the fall, the street lights expand in a blink, in that heavy and metallic atmosphere, the swarming filthy heart of a city, sweat and dust on the verge to be cleansed, i'm waiting for it, tired limbs, sitting on a padded stool, elbows on the counter fronting the huge glass, focused on the outside, the rush to come, the extasy to burst, for now resting, hypnotized, while slowly tasting my favorite ice cream in that small typical neigborhood diner, the pink neon above changes the sight of the street progressively as each letter gets on, one by one, then none, and again, my eyes up, those weighty eyelids still ready to open, i'm relaxed, tingles all over my body in that wait, the drops of sweat tracing wakes on my bare arms, the delicate sugary flavor cooling my throat, the flashing tacky colors around making me dizzy, transporting me, i'm fine, i'm relaxed, i'm electrified, and suddenly, the rain breaks.



I'm in love, there's no other explanation.

What is left to rise (live, Live, feel... Feel... more, endlessly)

I'd like to visit those places
See those colorful sights
who pack and call my memories...
my feelings on the stories
of people who haunted it
Places i could get attached
because i would come with knowledge,
recognition, understanding
of what happened in the old time
the joys and the sorrows,
the struggles and the dreams
of those names who lived by
the houses and the streets
those places with a past
polished or damaged,
blunt or vivid
still oozing the emotions from the land,
that i could shiver lost on my own
burst for a while, entitled to rise
but with all there is to see, to feel
on the run, i won't stay, i'll just pass
to invigorate on the spirit,
the strenght of each place
and oddily, that's why it would feel
So good.


(it can be related to human beings but i don't apply it litteraly to human beings in real life, or it could be called loose manners, how that text can be misunderstood, or maybe that's what we all do our own way with places and people)

I need to be wanted too, that's so obvious, that's why i disclose so much, i give what i would like to be given.
I'd like people who will prove me i'm important to them.

And she thinks there's poison between us and wants to get away.

I still could never forget her.

But i'm alive.


I know you fear the happiness of people depends on you, that's a fear you built yourself in your brain, and then that your feelings push you to act as you in fact don't want to, and that you end up stuck in an unhappy situation, what you give is pity, that's irrational and with that process you create your own prison, because in reality you are always free of your choices. I know conditioned feelings like that are hard to fight though, but no one asks you to do as you don't want and surely not me because i'm not pitiful, i'm not a victim.

I'm just a loving, a wanting, a giving, a taking person, i'm spiritually, intellectually, emotionally wealthy. And above all respectful.

what about love?; primal needs are overpowering for others; and i'm all in control, i want to let go and accept that for others and for me

I asked myself, could i be so casual with sex that i would want to fuck with strangers, like she said she wants, i guess it's for pleasure alone and only, and the freedom to say "bye" right after and never see again the person, it's independence in sexual pleasure, i try to put me in that state of mind, in those situations, but i have no desire, i have no desire for people i don't feel safe with, that means i need to build trust and understanding with someone to feel desire for that person, and i'm very picky, so already it takes the time to grow a friendship, which is long and not so easy, because people who match my intellectual and emotional needs are rare, so to feel desire to have sex i would need to meet hundreds of people and yet having to know them deeply, their personality, their intellect, get trust, and it takes time to know i'm mentally safe and satisfied, maybe for women it's easier they can act like holes, so if they want they even don't have to move in the sexual act, they can technically make love even without desire. I'm thinking maybe i'm not awaken yet, i don't know what it is, what if i would know, will i be like a horny beast searching for a fuck on saturday nights, will that sexual need could push me to be casual, maybe that's what i need to try in order to know, but if i have no desire how could i, is there something wrong with me and those primal needs.

So obvious, and still i write it down, from that dumb final fantasy game.

"The world's full of lies. There's no way of knowing what's right. All we can do is believe in ourselves. It's easy to sit back and let people trick you. I'm done with their lies, from here on out i use my eyes. Think. And act. I might not make all the right choices. But as long as i'm the one who decided what to do, there's nothing to regret."

at a stake

I feel i'm lying
carrying around that corporeal misfit
I don't have the face of a teenager anymore
My visage is carved in longanimity
and that ancient wood shows its cracks
the bark is chiseled
My hair still soft and curly when i fumble it
but i can see my skull through that thin and messy bush
My eyes are tired more and more as scratched glass
fading invisibly from spring to fall
bronze like the rotten leaves of that season
My feet got miles
the induration patches and the crooked toes are relics
so smooth on the top, such contrast
and beside all this, all the weary ends
i've still somewhat the core body of a younger man
my trunk is slick in that elastic skin
all along covered with dry muscles
an impetuous sharpness
i know those temples who never served, never worked
that time hasn't touched
i'm an heartfelt frankenstein
and my mind too shares that destiny
of a lie bearer

(i think of a display, a revelation, a cult to that body, which is mine, which is me, and my acceptable truth)

I am still playful!

memorial

Mardi 18 Janvier 2011

that!

I've got a sting on the top side of my shoulder, a small red bulge between sunburn spots, i feel it tickles so i wring my head at ninety degrees, deep creases mark my neck, a strain hits my back as i plunge my eyes on the guilty annoyance, with my face distorted that way i see hairs sparse along my biceps, i pick at the thick ones, several tries to take the root out on each, they curl a little more at every miss, i think i strip myself of ugliness but tomorrow or in a week it will grow back, and for now that sting, that little red swollen dot is flashing, so visible when i focus on, no picking and no cutting will get me rid of that natural flaw, so i caress it, it's soft, and soothes, i would lick it with the tip of my tongue if a could, affectionately, spread some healing saliva, i would mend my wounds by loving that body of mine, affectionately.
That's how it starts, to be able to give then that affection to the world, to the one .

when i'm in reflection, whenever i feel, any state that is not numbness, clear as spring it's you i desire.

to be fine

Providence entangled our routes
sharing and feeling strong to mend our wounds
i'm scared
does that mean i won't ever be with you
we get to go astray to come up sure of ourselves
walk or scramble along all those paths
taste the dust, the filth, the shame, the humiliation...
a grinding of joy, or complete bliss too
and gather at last proud and certain
that we belong together
or something different...
i'm scared
and i shake
in that lancinating lack
the perpetual
this one possibility
that finally
i will vanish
or slowly fade
out of this life

my satisfaction, my life plan
is nothing
without you.

what is set,
it is to heal us
and abandon could be
to save us both.

my satisfaction, my life
what will you do to me
please providence
let her stay close

to skin
to flesh
to heart

I felt back that passion, that life force, it's everywhere, all over, it's in me, the power to feel and to be delighted, it's that connection and i'm the one who choose to create it, let myself be amazed, transported, it warms me, it makes me want to dance, to move, it stimulates my mind, and i am the one, the one to choose to connect and be enlightened, whenever it suits me.

i don't want any of those choices, i already know what i want

It's always about sex, will someone teach me what's so wonderful about sex.
They are so eager to rub on each others, then when sex is good people start to want more, i think i act the other way round, when intellectual complicity is good i begin to want more of the person, but obviously it's easier to feel good through sex, while it's difficult to find someone you match with intellectually, so i end up searching for absolute, for unicity, for exclusivity and live like a perfect puritan without any sex life and hardly no social life. Does that make me a saint or a freak; that makes me frustrated for sure because no one satisfies me here, so hence i change my principles, my way to think and become more of a libertine, taking and fucking with the average that wants of me or i do all i can to find the perfect match which will be more like accepting that no one is perfect and just give my all to one person who can give me back and form the very common couple, accepting what i have even if it's not the best because the quest for the best can make me wait and waste my life away.

desolate land for a flattered heart

Why am i crying
Is this the frozen road
or the young woman running on it
awkwardly (with stiff arms)
maybe it is simply
the wait.
the painful beauty of it.

I told her she was gonna fall
running so openly after that man
on the white crispy grass
break the heart she put in that bowl
cautiously wrapped in an azure cloth
"pure as your soul" dear
to keep it warm, a sincere offering
now all is spilled out, leaving to rot
on the dry land
and you are lying down amongst the pieces
frozen tears on your cheeks
disfigured
laid to blend on this cold, and dry land,
your colors will fade slowly
all empty as he left you
between the white and the blue

I think i want to start living right now because i need it to be real in your life. There's no better motivation, this is the best of all.

You never lived she says,
they all say
don't put your hopes up
your heart's too smooth
today i feel sad
and all the thoughts in my head are unbearable
the world is reduced to my size
shriveled and weak
covered with a greyish treacle
that makes me slow and heavy
i need a getaway, a rest
an escape of this life
again
escaping
dreaming
in oblivion
when will i start living
at last

...to sense of rise

It's horrible how my mind gets shut down, closed, when i'm anxious,
i have no energy, no passion, no desire left
my thoughts run in circles
then, through reassurance
when i am confident again i'm like a new born amazed at all the discoveries to catch in this world,
a veil is lifted and my senses rejuvenated.

"I am dying inside"

I have the impression that any man that will touch you, you will feel something, like you suck on his emotion, that means he goes to you so you give him back his own emotion that you took and you end up desiring him back, you take the emotion of others and apply it to you. i won't feel anything if a girl i'm not attracted to touches me, i stay true to my own feeling and if i'm not attracted then i can't feel anything. but what do you feel really, as yourself, don't you have taste, values, opinions, morals, traits you like and traits you dislike, things you'll do and won't do, it seems you get over all this just because the other takes interest in you and you're so craving for relations, any sort of relations, that you copy his emotions, if he wants you then you give yourself to him.

Sense of fall...

I have no passion, no desire left, you took it all. That's how it works, you drain the emotions of people. I won't know what to speak about with you anymore. I have nothing left to discuss, i have nothing left to give.

Fuzzy Alien

"You're all the same, the lot of you, with your long hair and faggot clothes. Drugs, sex…every sort of filth. And ya hate the police, don't ya?"

Oblivion

i want to fuck around
i want to escape
i want to know what it is to forget oneself
i want to wash away
the thoughts i have on you

the need i need

I don't know what is your personality anymore
I don't know if we match
I'm thinking you were just copying my passion
You painted on yourself my emotions
You transposed in me like you do with others
But even if it was only a reaction to what i exposed
Unlike the others here, you replied with craze
Even if it was only a copied personality
Unlike the others here, you shared back
And i fell for the illusion
Who are you
Who are you for real
you were for me a sweet succubus
you gave me for a time the need i need
for the time of my ignorance

Stand where you are

Are you craving for sex or for friendships?
i will accept you have friends
but not that you sleep with them
can't you detach sex and friendship? don't you see any difference?
is being attached means you have always desires
can't you see the difference between friendship and intimacy
can't you be faithfull to one in a feeling of love
love and friendship are different feelings, and different behaviors!

Parade

You shouldn't say that you feel for others, or through others, which is really close, when you are with me, you understand that it can be painful because i feel for you, so you can feel for others if you want but don't say it to me. What i say mainly in my sharings is that i relate to the emotions, so i see myself in this or that characters, but you on the contrary really feel for and through the characters, so it's like you were constantly cheating on the people who feel for you, only it's in imagination. (it's like we were on the street and i say "oh see that girl over there i love her she makes me feel, oh see that other girl her, she makes me feel for her", see it's not physical, it's feelings and imagination but, won't that be painful for you?, if not, then, i could think you just don't care, you don't feel for me), if you want to feel for many people that's ok i can't control you, but just don't parade on my sight, do you understand that reasoning? am i wrong?. finally that's how you are you feel for and through a lot of people and characters, you feel desire about and through them. I'm just trying to understand and accept you because i don't want to lose you, i want to keep in touch without suffering.
Is it illogical of me to think that we have a lot in common, a lot to share? that we should be, at least, at least, for the minimum, part of the same group of friends?

inconsistent

What is stange is that you think, feel like that, but you say you are a private person, it seems a bit contradictory, well i guess it's just you want to give your all to one person at a time, but change often, maybe you get attached too easily too, and then you fear to feel trapped so you stay away from people and keep yours all your fantasies. do you think it's bad to get attached? do you think it's bad to love someone?

we must have roles or we are nobody

Stuck?!

you fantasize on different lives, you fantasize on possibilities, you said it once "even love is an excuse", that makes sense now, you fear of being stuck, you see relationships as being stuck, you have in your mind example of unhappy stuck housewives, you are bitter about relationship, i understand now, but you put yourself the barriers, these housewives put their own barriers, you are just stuck in yourself, because you don't say what you want when you want it, and now you preject yourself in others to feel their emotions, and it works, i guess you feel intensely that way, you try to experience to be everybody,(and that's why i feel betrayed, because i say i'm all for you but you want to experience others lives), i think i understand now all your behaviors, why you seem you can't settle in your choices and you always are letting yourself a way to escape as a devious thought because you had always been free, just decide what you want to do right now and act on it, effectively how can you start a normal relationship if you associate it with being stuck, which is one of your biggest fear, i understand now why i thought you wanted everyone and everything, you don't want to shut down the possibilites, and finally you never choose, (like the kid in that movie), if you don't settle what you want i will never be happy with yourself, because if you want to go, have the impression something's happening you'll have to make choices, which means discarding a tons of different possibilities. where should i put myself in all this, am i just an excuse, i think if i feel for you i should come and ask you, help you make choices, prove you i'm not fake, or i should forget about that dream of being with you, because i don't want you to feel stuck, unhappy, and if you are with me notice that you are wishing for all the other possibilities, everything's clearer now, oh yeah it is, but i don't know what to do... i can hope that if i'm with you, i'll hold on your mind and love will be real enough to keep both of us stimulated, and that you don't feel stuck and just good in yourself, with me. how to know. does that mean you would wish to cheat on every boyfriend you could have? everything makes sense now, even your taste for friendship and intimate movies and books, you live experiences through the characters; will you be eternally unsatisfied, if you don't make up your mind and build certainties on what you want, you'll always be scattered, unfaithful, and maybe i could never trust you. when you share that with me it's like saying that you can't be faithful because you have sensual fantasies through others.i understand it's your way to have your affection because you have no friends while i can call someone or go see someone to talk and spend time if i want, but with friends it's not sensual or sexual, like it seems to be in your fantasies.
finally what do you want with me?

he is still running, searching for her silhouette, "i never forget" he said, he could never love again. (he's bitter about love now)

Don't Read my Blog for Now! Don't! Go on Your Life!

I keep writing obssesive and doubtful stuff, i should stop this blog for now... the clock of my mind is broken, it's going in circles, i wish it stops, breaks once and for all, ... tick... tick... tock... break......
you were right

(contrary of you my mind is linked to my heart,
my feelings motive my thoughts and acts)

I'm mourning
I'm begining my shift

Junkies for emotions

Contacts affect us immediately

We don't reflect it

And we crave what we react to

What's wrong

Maybe there's a temper for love, and some persons are unable to love fully.

I can't think of anything else, hence i can't speak of anything else, i have nightmares, my head is dizzy, my stomach hurts constantly, what is wrong with me?
I'm stuck in love, in a contrary vision you have of it.
I want the other to have her freedom, but my freedom is to love only one person.
My change of mindset will be tough, long and tumultuous.

we say : sexual energy is creative energy

the energy from desire is the energy that allows us to be creative and probably imaginative, and we can choose where we want to put it, in creations, in sex, in self healing or health, in imagination, anywhere . . . . . . . .

I'm thinking maybe those who don't practice sex too often are more creative and imaginative then those who waste (spend) this energy in carnal pleasure, isn't it weird

quick thought : satisfied

I think that finding the right person, which means sticking faithfully to one person, is being with the one that makes you feel satisfied, satisfied, litteraly satisfied, emotionally, sexually, sensually, mentally, intellectually, satisfied, and when satisfied with someone we completely don't need the others, that's my reasoning, maybe too romantic, too utopian, who knows, maybe it requires faith too, believing into the person and oneself, nothing is perfect, no relation can be perfect, at least in the course of time will occur probably some lows and it's for the two persons to keep the desire alive, to support each other, that can't be made alone, not sanely, the two have to be involved, and if love is here, love as motivation, a true desire, then satisfaction is reachable, being satisfied in a relationship is for me the key word, if we feel that way we naturally seek nothing elsewhere, all is in our hands, can a situation like that last yeah that's the question, it will take a strong and honest communication for satisfaction to stay steady, always present between two persons.
I can picture that idealistic state but i don't know if it's just a myth.

And maybe yeah the healthier way is to get here and there, taking from different people to have our personal satisfaction, feel satisfied, that is seeing things considering a single person, to keep independence, to stay one and theoretically free, we will still need others, either we see all we need in one or we take a little in several persons, i guess we could find happiness that way too, in the first description trust, faith must be here, strong, it's making two one, in the second, more egoistic, the person thinks primarily about fulfilling his personal needs, but i think in the two it must stay natural, without forcing his nature, if we stay true and honest we'll know when we are satisfied or not, then we can speak up and act.

If satisfaction isn't here then the need for something, someone else appears.

I'm sure my passionate temper pushes me to believe, and maybe that's what love requires : Passion!

This is a call

I always wanted to know someone i can call whenever i need to speak up, each subject, each feeling, whatever the time of day, noon or night, i will feel glorified to travel to, whatever the mean, whatever the time it takes, make me feel stronger to reach my personal goals, lend me her remarks to be prettier, more assured everyday, for any improvement, mental, spiritual or material, and that i could help back the same, we will propose to go here and there, sharing with me each desires, and listening back to mine, i wanted to reach that degree of security, where every thought or feeling, never will be a burden, we will trade trust, and i would never have to change, to play, i think i say, i feel i say, i say she say, i speak she speaks and she listens, and i listen, i crave, and the next time it's her call to draw me close, and speak up face to face in any place, lit by our complicity, before i stand up to swirl around on a whim, she'll watch me, i sit again for she'll read my hand like a child game, saying her recent discoveries, and we'll talk and grow wiser mixing the knowledge we got alone, just because we will be free of fears, free to elevate, no ceiling, no walls for that companionship, only the world to experience, each one returning to the other, and returning to the peacefullness of self, in the most natural and tender swaying.
I always hope, i always want.

when one fits perfectly, there's no need for the others, but this is just a theory, more, an utopia.

Correspondence Vita - Virginia

"She must have understood that being loved and being free are two concepts that don't mix well together. Independence required that we should stay away emotionally from others, exactly like affection needs submission and approval."

are we standing on two opposite edges, i want affection and you want independence. I think i understand the two positions, we can find an agreement for both to be satisfied and continue to share, if you want.

Lust for Life

Living is consuming
Living is being hungry
for life, for experiences
doing what we feel to do
when we feel it
without fear
and with respect;
Respect,
And self knowledge.
Living is easy
when you know what you want
when you can imagine
and picture goals
and you know what you want to be
what you want to get
make it tangible
when you read your own changes
and respond, and adapt
for your well being
when you believe in you
and your goodness
others and the common morals
don't define you
go to your needs with a smile
and you'll be mostly rewarded
inhibitions, life out of the body
is useless, ungrateful
being hungry for life and experiences
and reach for it
with desire
confident, fearless, truthfully to self
this is living

(accept it for you and others)

(cookies and oranges never tasted so good eh eh)

THE HUMAN WHOLE An Outline of the 'Higher' Psychology

http://robertpriddy.com/P/21nonatt.html

hard to know oneself

we are all build on traumas and pleasures,
the experiences in our lives
our feelings developped through traumas and pleasures;
if following the feelings born from pleasures makes us seek the good up to us
following the feelings born from traumas can be devious, unhealthy, painful
for one and others
but it's very difficult to tell the difference
as sometimes we learn to feel pleasures through traumas

I always said, i hate work, i don't want to be a slave like the others, i realize that it's not my choice, i just can't work because something is frightening me, so my mind created that reasoning to convince me it was conscious, that it was my choice, to preserve my sanity, my integrity, but it's not, i'm driven by my fears, i deceived myself, and now that way of living is only worries for me and those who care like my parents.
So to be able to live, with that fear deep inside, my mind found a devious explanation, which is not my truth, this is not what i want to do, i'm not peaceful and thriving, if i wasn't affraid i would have found a way to use the system, a job i like, if i haven't that fear inside i could reach my goals.
And this is only an example, i guess for each fear there is a devious coping thought created by our mind that leads us astray of our true free of fears self.