Stop playing roles (for a better personal life)

"When you don't play a role, there is no ego in what you do. There's no parallel program, like protection or reinforcement of the self. That's why your acts have a greater impact. You are entirely focused on a situation, you become one with it. You don't try to be someone in particular. You are very powerful and efficient when you are totally yourself. But don't try to be yourself. It will be a role you play, the "Natural and Spontaneous Me" role. As soon as you try to be this or that, you play a role. "Just be yourself" is a good advice, but that can also be deceitful. The mental will start to work and will say : "Let's see, how can i be myself?" he'll then start to conceive the strategy : "How to be myself." Another role. "How to be myself" is in fact the wrong question to ask, because it implies that you have to do something to be yourself. But the "How" is useless here because you already are yourself. Simply stop to add useless burdens to what you already are.
"But i don't know who i am. I don't know what be myself means."
Then, if you can feel perfectly at ease without knowing who you are, what's left, this is who you are. The Being behind the Human, the field of a pure potential rather than something already defined.
Cease to define yourself, is it you or others. That won't kill you. On the contrary, you'll revive. And don't give importance to the way others define you. When they do it, they limit themselves. So it is their problem. Each time you interact with people, don't be there only like a function or a role, but like a field of conscious Presence. Why does the ego play roles? Because of an indisputed presomption, a fundamental mistake, an unconscious thought. This thought is as follow : I'm not enough. And after this one, other thoughts come : I have to play a role to get what i need to be completely myself; I need more to be more. But you can't be more than what you are because, in your physical and psychological form, you are one with life itself, one with the Being. By the form, you are and will always be inferior to some and superior to others. By the essence, you're not inferior or superior to anyone.
It's by understanding this that the true self esteem and the true humility are born. To ego's eyes, self esteem and humility are contradictory. In reality, they are one and only thing."

E.Tolle (raw translation)

Conditional Love

Very early in our life as children, we believed we would be better loved if we complied to the wanting of our parents by being proper, kind, intelligent, hard working, industrious. Though the parental and filial love is amongst the most unconditional (love stays for the rebelled son, for the abusive father, for the failling mother, for the astray daughter), there can be in all those relations a game of swindling love that makes us believe that the affection is proportional to the submission.

"I'll love you more if you give me what i want; I'll love you better if you do what i want."

We encounter this belief in most of the love relationships where the behaviors are conditionned by the need to be approved and the fear to be rejected. Our "I love you" then mean : "I'll love you if you... I love you when you... "
Even farther, conditional love becomes countable love, barter love.

"I listened him, now it's his turn to listen to me, i can count on his care when i'm sick; I gave him my help, my time, i'm waiting for the same in return. If i take care of his pleasure, he'll take care of mine; If i accept to make love, he will love me; If i show feelings, i'll get his desire."

My "I love you" then say : I still love you because you owe me... You owe me all that you didn't give me... "
The affective accountancy is paradoxical, it carefully sums up all that never happened. It asks quittance for the refusals, the non-answers. It charges for all we didn't receive. It demands sometimes that the other stays in debt, which allows us to continue to make him feel guilty.

Jacques Salomé "Aimer et se le dire" (raw translation from the french book)

The Virtuous Circle

Everybody knows the theory of the "vicious circle" : some people are so affraid to be happy because they are conditionned to believe it can't last, (which is true, emotions don't last that's why we must not identify to it, but when we don't feel joy we don't necesary have to feel pain, we can be calm and peaceful), so those people prefer to stay in a constant state of dread, a perpetual uneasiness, and they search for hurtful emotions in everything only to stay in what they consider a safe melancholy state, if you stay depressed at least you can't fall lower and you avoid the fear to lose happiness if ever you try it, this is a vicious reasonning, can you see?!.

So what i'm proposing is : why not do the contrary and consider life on a positive basis, we know that no state, no emotion is lasting, so when we feel a bit low why not thinking : "Ok i'm down for now but i'm sure, and it's a fact, that will shift and i'll experience joy again" ("this too shall pass"), at once you can feel that you don't dwell on your negative thoughts, that the fright you are experiencing right now is not so serious, and already you can feel lighter, and because you are already less tense, you dare more, you are more open to people, and again because of the confident, positive, and natural image you present, good things happen that reinforce your good feeling, people are more inclined to talk with you, you enjoy where you are, wherever it is, your body feels more dynamic and alert, it's a fact that emotions have an impact on the body and many people create their own illness by a mental distress, so, do you see the process, everyone, it's just a matter of point of view, it's easy to choose now to see life in the direction of the virtuous circle.

The conspiracy of Thought

Emotions are everywhere, i'm trapped, every color, every sight, every person produces thoughts in our heads, even in the shade of our own little rooms, we can't get rid of it, we have to tame it or we'll never be appeased, we'll plainly turn mad, thoughts aren't the ennemy but they can be dreadful if identified to, when versed into unconsciousness, it is changing us, constantly flipping our statements and our care for everything surrounding us, thoughts can't be serious or i'll be a madman. And normality down there is to be mad, prisoners of forms and opinions.

When you know that, you can manipulate anyone, like films and books manipulate us, like advertisers and politicians do, controling by creating the emotion in the mind of people, and hardly no one knows that we all own the power over ourselves, not to be influenced and choose what we want to feel, that is called the virtuous circle.

MasterMind

Have you ever tried to go back in a dream you hardly awakened to, a nice dream, cozy and stimulating, something intense was about to happen and without reason you slightly opened your eyes, breaking it all down, but you strongly want to know what's comming next, the promise of warm feelings, so you close your eyes again and your mind gets at it, you force yourself to remember the setting and the characters, the color of what you were doing, and then you start to invent intellectually what you'd like to happen, but it's no use, and you'll never get back, because your mind already began to throw thoughts and wantings like shambles, clogging every possibilities to relax and be still again, that's the vicious power of thinking, hiding the calm bliss of the being, the best way would be to lie down and forget, with an empty mind, and let it come anew, naturally, without forcing, truth is with that technique you'll probably re-enter a dream but it will be a new one, once i had three in a row that i could remember in the morning, it's better than the frustration of a broken promise, no?!

"More" is ugly

I can't stop my awakening process, i know it's not the "more" that's important, it's just about feeling it inside, that nothing can crush me, that i have the power on what i want to do of this present, but i know too that i can't stop here, i need to discover, i need to learn more truth about myself and about the world, because i'm sure, when i think about it, that if, starting to that very moment, i don't evolve farther, get more overall conscioussness, if my evolution was frozen right now, and with the time passing, one day, in five, ten or twenty years, i will kill myself, i'm sure of it, it will be lethal to stop, it's vital for me to be a thinker, to be a seeker, i still have too much hatred for myself, and that's a painful paradox because i genuinly love the forms, the entities, the beings, that are not me. I want to be around people, i want to meet many persons, i want to love them, but i can't step up enough and be sure of my own form, i know form is the ego, that it's not important, so i need to find the true beauty of my inner being in its stillness, to let myself the chance to live and be open.

Happiness as a role and happiness as truth

Don't search for happiness, you won't find it. Why? Because searching is the very antithesis of happiness.
Happiness is always intangible, while release (relief) from inner misery is possible immediately, by confronting to what is, instead of inventing stories about it. Inner misery is hiding your natural state of well-being and inner peace, who are the natural source of true happiness.

Eckhart Tolle (raw translation from my french version of the book)

[If you accept what is and let your inner being simply be then pieces of happiness will present your way naturally, because you'll have the right mindset to notice it.]

Temporary roles

How you talk to a boss from a big company is subtly different than the way you talk to the janitor. You don't talk to a child like you do with an adult. Why? Because you play roles. When you enter a store to buy something. when you go to a restaurant, to the bank or to the post office, you play pre-established roles. You become a customer and express and act as it. And the vendor (clerk) or waiter, who equally plays a role, will probably treat you as a customer. A whole range of conditionned schemes of behaviors are set between two human beings which define the nature of the interaction. In place of human beings, it's mental images interacting one another. The more people are identified to their respective roles, the more the relations are untrue (fake).
Not only you have a mental image of who is the other, but also a mental image of who you are, related particularly to the person you are interacting with. So, you don't interact with the person at all, but who you think you are is in relation with who you think the person is, and inversely. The conceptual image that your mind created of yourself is in relation with its own creation, that is with the conceptual image that he created of the other (person).
And because the mental of the other person probably did the same, each interaction between two persons is in reality an interaction between four conceptual identities of the ego, which are in the end only fictions.
It's not surprising that there are so many conflicts in human relations. There's no real relations.

Eckhart Tolle (raw translation)

Animals story

In her retro yellow bikini, next to an extravagant swiming pool, a girl is chirping on the phone, flaping around her free hand, folded at mid chest, and treading on one spot spasmodically, she also intermittently squeals and releases meows out of her mouth, to underline the peaks of her excitement, with the discretion of a whole menagerie;
A guy comes sneaking behind her, moving on tip toes, exagerating his approach, showing a carnivorous smile, probably imitating a wolf coveting an ewe, but both way less graceful, and i think about a pachyderm lusting for a hen, he then grabs her by the waist and spews out his catching line : "I think it's dinner time, and i'm very hungry!", she chuckles pathetically, ready to let herself be eaten.

I turn to my girl and say :

"Am i that ridiculous when i come near you?!, Please kill me!"

Freud can rest happily

I'm in front of a town hall, a big pile of white rectangles built at the top of a hill, there are wide stairs starting at the gate and running down in a straight line, all white and shiny too under the sun, on each side rows of houses are set, creating a sort of corridor like in those old western towns.

I'm chatting with my brother far up on the white stairs, well..., he is done talking, about how my father disapproves the arrangement of my room, and my gaze is lost away in the horizon, i just entered my thinking process, my eyes are open but unaware of the vicinity,

"It's so futile"

i think, and a picture of my room, immense and illuminated appears, i throne in the middle, i feel the rage rising, for that father nothing from me was good enough, i sense the hatred filling me up, i'm starting to shout imprecations, agonizing screams, i've got killing intents, my face burns, my fists are tight, i'm howling like a beast,

"Bastard! I'm going to stab him in his chest!",

and that new picture appears, i violently wave down my arm holding a butcher knife, it enters the ribcage smoothly with the sound of broking bones, blood spurts and covers the nude skin in the open shirt, it 's a sacrifice, one frank blow, no hesitation, and i feel joy to let that fatal energy guiding me, i'm focused on the wounded chest, i see no head and no limbs, i don't recognize my father features, i'm still holding the knife, assured, grinding the innards, then behind me, on the highest tower of the town hall, shutters open fast and a woman screams at me, panicked and obviously angry, contaminated by my hatred, she says

"Authorities are comming, you're lost!",

she trembles grasping the edge of the window, i need to flee, my guts tell me they are already there, on my heels, escaping, again i have to run, people are chasing me down, i stride behind the right row of square and dull houses.

I'm reaching the shade thrown by a church covered in profound green moss here and there, the construction is like shaped in concrete, which turned a dark grey through passing time, abrasive and raw, austere, sullen, no carving or decorations, i'm starting to forget my act and my pursuers, i'm resting in that cool shade, walking to the entrance along man-planted pine trees, the caucasian type, there's a basin here, moldy and grey as well, a menacing grey, there're particles of dirt in the water, rotten vegetal specks and dying insects, and tiny larval life forms, all swashing to a desert breeze, i'm planing to walk by and, before i could understand how, my wallet is sinking at the bottom of the basin, it's the leather wallet my father gave me years ago, i can still catch sight of it, deformed, through the murky water, i've got a fright, i've been conditioned to think that losing his papers is an endless line of worries, like losing identity, dread hits me and without thinking i dive with my clothes on, i progress in the smudge with breaststroke, crossing stratums of filth and quickly reach the bottom, my wallet is there, safe, laid on a sturdy metal grid, even below is a black abyss, a nameless despair, i take my time, i'm relieved,  i go out and lie on the ground, relaxing, everything's fading.

(Freud can be happy, half of his theory is accomplished ah ah)

Writers are Fakers

I can't be a good writer anymore, because i know too much about my truth, and my hard core values push me not to be a faker.

Writers are Fakers, i say that like a creed and hereby i throw myself off the cliff, i slip off the stool and savor the slow narrowing of that rope around my neck.

I'm talking about Story writers, not philosophy writers.
Those last ones are simply enlightened Fools!

Life is made for living.

The early begining of losing oneself

People are all so pretty, inventive and talented,
so what can i do
not to feel compared
and compare myself
not to suffer

let myself drift on an
..ugly
.....lazy
........lonely
...........lame
...............slope

There i'm untouchable

The king of nothingness, the prince of contradiction!

It was the start to preserve my unicity until i reach a higher self consciousness.

(Some others will choose to lie, cheat and steal, as it's required to survive in this current humanity.
Those too weak or too righteous will find a way to shatter ostensibly, to be acknowledged.)

But in the end, it's the same, no one is honest to self.

How do you do? (How did you do?)
Which crack you chose to fall in.
Depression, anorexia, drugs, promiscuity, (self-)victimization, money, children, god, and so on, any kind of dependency.

To get out?!

When you start to see that nothing is serious, no thing is sacred, "nothing is true / real / forbidden, everything is permitted", it's in fact your own choice, to choose what's important or valuable for yourself (not dictated by others or doctrines), then you start to let yourself be, just be, faithful to your inner being, and realize that it's the new meaning of life.

(This is for you to realize where you are on your own path!)

The Parts played by the various faces of the Ego

The malevolents, the victims and the lovers

When some egos don't succeed in being praised or admired, they turn on other forms of attention and play certain roles to trigger it. If they don't succeed in getting positive attention, they will probably search for negative attention, for example by triggering a negative reaction in someone. This is what children do when they use capricious behaviors. The negative roles get bigger each time that the ego is pumped by an active "pain body", that is by a past emotional suffering who wants to survive by a constant search for new painful experiences (like a reminder of the past pains). Some egos commit crimes to be famous. They seek attention by celebrity and condemnation. "Please, tell me i exist, that i'm not insignificant", it seems they say. Such a pathological form of the ego is the extreme version of the "normal" ego.

A common role played by the ego is "the victim", seeking attention through pity and sympathy. The victim wants others get interested in his problem, to "her and her story". This victim part can be found in many schemes of the ego, amongst the recriminations, the feeling of being offended, indignant, etc... . Of course, once i'm indentified to a story in which i give myself the role of victim, i don't want that this story ends. So, as every therapist knows it, the ego doesn't want to end up (cut out) the problems because they are part of his identity. If no one wants to listen to my sad story, i can tell it to myself at will in my head, feel sorry for myself and so have the identity of a person unfairly treated by life, by others, by destiny or god. This role is created to define my personal image, make someone of me. That's the only important thing for the ego.

At the beginning of many so-called romantic relationships, it is very common to play a part in order to attract and keep the person that the ego sees as the one  who will "make me happy, make me feel special and satisfy all my needs". The tacit and unconsciouss agreement goes like : "i will play who you'll want and you will play who i'll want." But it's not easy to play a role and to keep it indefinitely, moreover when we start to live together. And when those roles fall, what do you see? Unfortunately not yet the true essence of the being in front of you, at least in many cases, but what is covering that essence, that is the ego in the rough. An ego casts in his roles, in his "pain-body", in his frustrated desires which then transform into anger, the most probably set against the partner who didn't succeed in eliminating the underlying fear and the feeling of lack intrinsically linked to the fake sense of self created by the ego.
What we usually call "falling in love" is in most cases an intensification of the "wanting" and the "needing" of the ego. In a way you become "addicted" to another person, or rather to the image of the other person that you have created. This has nothing to do with the true love which doesn't imply  any "wantings" in any forms (but simply accepting the other as he is, with no judgment). The spanish language is the most honest regarding notions about love. Indeed, te quiero means "i want you" as well as "i love you". The other expression to say "i love you", te amo, which doesn't have this meaning ambiguity, is rarely used. Maybe because true love also rarely exists."

Eckhart Tolle (rough translation)