The invention of time serves the system

In the modern world, the human lives are controled by the clock, which represents the time, (it has no incidence in the present), i think it's an error implied by the creation of profit and productivity, this same system keeping human into insidious slavery, the prominent and correct rules to me should be those of nature, hence we should based our lives on our needs, and not on efficiency as it is now; i could add that this peculiar greedy system is spreading through evolution of human communities, (probably because those with the most knowledge and power choose this system for their own interest, even if by this choice many are left with nothing), i imagine in some tribes around the world the time doesn't exist, they simply live in a sort of harmony with the nature listening to their primal needs; i'd like the system to change and i'd like spreading knowledge and awareness. Based the system on better values, more humanistic, and keeping the evolution through learning, discovery, knowledge.

Thinking positive

I'm proud of my sensitivity, i believe i have fineness, i know i'm not in the norm of beauty but i'm still in good shape, i'm curious and i have imagination, i'm a diletant but i try to close what i begin, i love to learn and make links, when i say something i mean it, i believe i'm trustworthy, i'm not really sociable but i think i'm gentle, i may be "too intellectual" for common people but that's how i am, my interests are different, i like the core of things, the meanings, the truths, my appearance prevents me from being materialistic, i hate clichés, well, i'm not easy but i'm not useless, i know i have qualities even if people don't see it in their own interests, life is hard but i want to believe i can belong somewhere, to someone.

Lack

Having self confidence is being sure that no one will ever deceive us, it's imagining we can get out of every situations imaginable, it's feeling above any defaults, i'm not presomptious enough to be self confident.

Growing Inequity

He's good looking, time gets no marks on him; he's successful in a job he likes, moreover a well paid job; he's fluent and smart, perfectly assorted words are distributed generously, sprinkled with the charm of his smiles; i can swear he's well integrated in this society; he has Malgasy origin; he's not very tall and strong, rather thin and dynamic; he has a sane, educated life; he swims, performs as a dj in specific bars, reads, and goes out freely as he knows all the routes of his city; he adapts and acts surely for his best; doors are open for him, and he enjoys his creative job; his parents, provided him with a wealthy childhood, and taught him self confidence in most of situations; the size is nothing, the smile on his look snaps only good testimonies on his case; he seems happy to live and i can't imagine someone couldn't like him; he lives adventures all around the globe, offering secret stays in paradise destinations to his lovely girlfriend, watching him life looks easy... easy, sweet and rolling, like lifting our head along the way to pick a bit at every wonders which can change our spirit in a minute, the scent of shiny flowers, the first drop on our hand, a song we love out of an unknown window, the gaze of a girl we will crave to know, ... and with all this, he is upright... does such a man really exist, because the man himself brought by his mindset this blissful life upon him, can someone be so good, how many are they, why do i feel like i'm the only shit left behind,... this is my childhood pal, i'm impressed, and like with all the people that have an impression on me (even with only the power and beauty of one eye), i feel like shit next to them... my cross is so much people have advantages on me, i get impressed too easily, that's how those i can love can bring me down.

Road to Madness - stage one : Numbness

Up at 8 am

Staring at a screen

Nap at 11 am to 12 : 30 pm

Staring at a screen (even while eating)

Nap at 16 pm to 17 pm

Staring at a screen

Nap at 22 pm to 24 pm

Staring at a screen (a huge part of the night)

Actual beding time at 5 am

Up at 8 am

Staring at a screen

...

....

.....

Soul mate Rêverie

I'm at this bulky wooden table, typing on my computer in a poorly lit room, on my right i could watch through a wide window, a scar running all along the wall, i'm on the first floor and noticing from the outside i must be in a rural town, and more precisely in the appartment above a small train station because i can see right before my dwelling a line of rails crossing the surrounding greenery, the flattened flashy green of abundant trees i can't recall the name; i'm here like it's my home, peaceful, aware of the habits of living in such an environement, once watching the passing trains shaking my scarce stuffs and furnitures, once zoning in the differents rooms which i'm persuaded to be my brothers', flooded with colored toys and posters compared to the austerity of mine, in this atmosphere i am chating... with you, i see my smiles at your replies, i have the awareness of being in a lost place, and you being far, almost in another period of time; between two glances at the faded blue sky of this comforting afternoon, i'm suddenly happily shocked as i see you in your space revealed on the screen, i see you staring at your own screen, then in search for fresh water or lingering before the seemingly same window i have in my room, watching outside, the city, and i see through your eyes, the city, like erratic blocks, brown and grey, stacked boxes with notches on each sides, i remember clearly two orange buildings melting amongst the mass, new ones, not yet caught under the scabs of dirt; i imagine our personal living places which represent our mindset were exactly the same, despite the differences of living style, i was watching you move freely on that screen and the spot you wander in instantly becomes my dream land.

Desir of goodness

Why can't i have all the solutions, a bag full of goodness, when i think about this one person, the troubles to find reconforts in this depraved world, all indifferent and always on the run, when i hear her stories as i murmur the fitted words, i wish so much i could be the answer, the answer of all her griefs, the missing piece, how could we call that feeling, all i want is being happiness, i is not i, in those moments my way is only to make her happy, and without any further thinking i'm sure for a second that if she's happy i'll be happy too, but i always fall back to earth, as i'm not perfect, far from it, it seems exclusiveness can't materialize only because no one and nothing is perfect, we all need different things, rebirth everyday, we're not so easily satisfied, even if at those very moments my mind makes me feel absolute is possible, i wish i was the air with the extended wind, invisible and everywhere, no boundaries to stop me, no roads to follow and no one could hurt me, i could be there, i could be all around her, i could bring the marvelous scents, i could slip softly on her skin, i could watch all the beauty, i'll be sane and harmless, maybe those dreams of absolute are a disruption of what is to be human, i'm just human, a too much sensitive human.