Summarily :
Listening to our natural needs those who keep us alive, physically and mentally, a sane mind in an healthy body, all the rest of our interests and activities are slight and insignificant. Period.
mercredi 14 avril 2010
lundi 12 avril 2010
"Cette Petite Mort"
"The band was formed in 1997 and, after years of viral self promotion, (including phoning record companies pretending to be other bands promoting Karma To Burn) were signed to Roadrunner Records in 1996. They were planning to release an entirely instrumental album, but Roadrunner stared that the contract was only valid under the condition that they hired a vocalist. After a brief trial of then Kyuss frontman John Garcia, they hired a friend of theirs Jay Jarosz. Their first album Karma To Burn was released in 1997, and despite critical acclaim, sold poorly. The band decided to sack Jarosz and as such were fired from Roadrunner. They have continued to be an instrumental band ever since."
mardi 6 avril 2010
The Key
I think i'll be scared all my life, i have to accept it, make my mind and abandon many things i'd like to experience, things i'd like to be, things i'd like to learn, i'll never reach my real potential in so many categories because the fear of the judgement, my lack of self esteem will always drag me down, physically and mentally, my body shakes, my head goes blank, i'm unable to move as swiftly as i know i can and i'm unable to think as deeply as i could when people are around, which means no one, absolutely no one will know my true abilities, my true knowledge, and because our value is so strongly based on others, i'll never be great at anything, no good, nor handsome, with all my efforts to keep my chin up in this world i'll always be this average human being in the reminiscence of people crossing my path, and i fight to stay average, and i'm tired now, i'm tired to be less than i could be if my mind wasn't fucked up, how could i gain some self confidence now, my only hope is to encounter someone who will try to see beyond the black layer of fears surrounding me, if i could feel accepted i want to believe i'll slowly drop my inhibitions to be what i really am inside, this can't be done with masses, it takes time, how many time, i don't know, maybe it depends on the person who will sincerely want to know me, i lost so much time, i could never go back, my body is rotting implacably, but i need to keep hope that someone somewhere could set me free of myself.
vendredi 2 avril 2010
The Perfect Light
-"... the truth of the scholar, alone in his study, does not always match with what the mass of the world sees as the truth."
While wishing to head for
The depths of the mountains,
I'm pushed against my will
Toward places
Where people live.
While wishing to head for
The depths of the mountains,
I'm pushed against my will
Toward places
Where people live.
jeudi 1 avril 2010
an Education
------------------"I mean, ------- College and their... and their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what?
Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a little bit different? Of putting
so much pressure on kids they turn into these... these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure, and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way.
Why do we have to conform to what you want?
You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion.
Did... Did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over?
What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? was that your dream?
Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world.
Life was full of possibilities.
'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or... or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves."------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Accepted . 2006]
Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a little bit different? Of putting
so much pressure on kids they turn into these... these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure, and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way.
Why do we have to conform to what you want?
You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion.
Did... Did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over?
What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? was that your dream?
Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world.
Life was full of possibilities.
'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or... or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves."------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Accepted . 2006]
dimanche 28 mars 2010
Uncertainty... then, Piece of Revelation on how things work
Why wanting to die and wanting affection are so much related, entangled in my mind.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
i know........................................................................................................................................................................................because i'm not worthy enough to receive love, so what is to do when i feel i need it, it just gives me the desire to harm myself, when you're low seek adrenalin and that's why so many people use cutting to cope when they have the need for affection but don't feel worthy enough to get it.
Waking up this morning i've got this clue :
My daily behavior is satisfying my needs as soon as they appear, it's living in the present, and i thought a sure way to feel relieved all along, you know yourself, you probe your needs then you fulfill it, easy, well usually easy for someone which has no excentric needs as me,.... doing this way i have to satisfy my need on the instant or one can be quickly frustrated, so theoretically it's easy to find what we need on an instant regarding the basic needs, like
eating : we have a fridge where we store food.
drinking : water through taps in every houses, easy, plus fruit juices or so in the fridge too.
exercice : i've got a basketball court at five minutes by foot from my home, or i can walk in the city it's even easier.
entertainment, knowledge, just working the brain : i've got all i like here in my room, and on internet, i have "easy access" passions.
But there's one need i can't fulfill instantly, it's everything that must come from other humans, because people have their free will, they have plans and a personal life, to see someone you have to make an appointment, it takes time and everyone has a different way of living, for example i feel i need to talk more in the evening and the middle of the night usually, even with friends, we can't burst into their house everytime we want, we have to call and set up a matching time to talk or do whatever, so clearly that's why i feel quiclky frustrated when i feel i need someone (for affection, understanding, recognition, whatever), it's not instantaneous, and i'm too much respectful i don't want to impose myself, so each time i have to cope with that need, it happens periodically, it's burning in me, i try to contain it, searching for palliatives, often i end up hating everyone, hating myself and feelin unloved, and unworthy..... in my life it's a need that has never been satisfied, i am raised and conditioned to hide that need, it's in my cells, in my mind, i'm too respectful, "i respect them so much that i completely stay away from them", so there is this only need i can't fulfill with the way i'm functioning right now, i just can't...
I'm wondering how people do, is that why they go out in clubs every week end, to rub on each others, or is that why they get married, this way as soon as they have the need for someone he's right there in front of their eyes, it's like an investment on the need of affection, you get married or live in couple so that in case you feel this natural need to be with, to speak, to share, to ... with someone you can get it pretty easily, quite instantly.
I get angry because i need more but i don't know how to get it, i falsely blame it on others, on their behaviors, but it's my lack, i miss the ability to get what i want, and the person i'd really like to share with is so far from instantaneous reach.
"....i wanted more
than life could ever grant me
bored by the chores
of saving face...."
i know........................................................................................................................................................................................because i'm not worthy enough to receive love, so what is to do when i feel i need it, it just gives me the desire to harm myself, when you're low seek adrenalin and that's why so many people use cutting to cope when they have the need for affection but don't feel worthy enough to get it.
Waking up this morning i've got this clue :
My daily behavior is satisfying my needs as soon as they appear, it's living in the present, and i thought a sure way to feel relieved all along, you know yourself, you probe your needs then you fulfill it, easy, well usually easy for someone which has no excentric needs as me,.... doing this way i have to satisfy my need on the instant or one can be quickly frustrated, so theoretically it's easy to find what we need on an instant regarding the basic needs, like
eating : we have a fridge where we store food.
drinking : water through taps in every houses, easy, plus fruit juices or so in the fridge too.
exercice : i've got a basketball court at five minutes by foot from my home, or i can walk in the city it's even easier.
entertainment, knowledge, just working the brain : i've got all i like here in my room, and on internet, i have "easy access" passions.
But there's one need i can't fulfill instantly, it's everything that must come from other humans, because people have their free will, they have plans and a personal life, to see someone you have to make an appointment, it takes time and everyone has a different way of living, for example i feel i need to talk more in the evening and the middle of the night usually, even with friends, we can't burst into their house everytime we want, we have to call and set up a matching time to talk or do whatever, so clearly that's why i feel quiclky frustrated when i feel i need someone (for affection, understanding, recognition, whatever), it's not instantaneous, and i'm too much respectful i don't want to impose myself, so each time i have to cope with that need, it happens periodically, it's burning in me, i try to contain it, searching for palliatives, often i end up hating everyone, hating myself and feelin unloved, and unworthy..... in my life it's a need that has never been satisfied, i am raised and conditioned to hide that need, it's in my cells, in my mind, i'm too respectful, "i respect them so much that i completely stay away from them", so there is this only need i can't fulfill with the way i'm functioning right now, i just can't...
I'm wondering how people do, is that why they go out in clubs every week end, to rub on each others, or is that why they get married, this way as soon as they have the need for someone he's right there in front of their eyes, it's like an investment on the need of affection, you get married or live in couple so that in case you feel this natural need to be with, to speak, to share, to ... with someone you can get it pretty easily, quite instantly.
I get angry because i need more but i don't know how to get it, i falsely blame it on others, on their behaviors, but it's my lack, i miss the ability to get what i want, and the person i'd really like to share with is so far from instantaneous reach.
"....i wanted more
than life could ever grant me
bored by the chores
of saving face...."
mardi 23 mars 2010
Letters
I like my name when it's you who pronounce it, i make it sound like you do, fRANçois, and it gains softness, cotton curls caressing the tongue, it makes you closer.
One may think i'm egoistical, what i focus on is the encounter, i see closeness when things from me and things from you are gathered, like my name spoken by your mouth, it tickles my feelings.
You are with me always.
One may think i'm egoistical, what i focus on is the encounter, i see closeness when things from me and things from you are gathered, like my name spoken by your mouth, it tickles my feelings.
You are with me always.
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