the best possible version of yourself

"What is it? It's frustrating that you can't be with this person?
That... that there's something keeping you apart, something about this person you connect with?
And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart.
And you know that if you could just be together, that this person will help you become the best possible version of yourself."

(Dan in real life)

a place to feel one and complete

I'm drained, i put so much pressure on me in all i do around others, a simple day eating outside then creating with musicians sucks dry all my energy, i have nothing left for anyone whose ask me to "stand for", hardly for me to keep my moral in equilibrium above the ravine of doubts and downs, the engulfing mud, hardly enough to bear my constantly rushing sadly wise thoughts, how could i pass more than few hours deprived of the security of my shelter, i'm endlessly battling when i'm outside, confronting the glares, turning into a rock against what is not for me, survive, but slowly wasting strenght, i'm made this way, i'm made to lay down and whatever, anything to forget all that i'm not, all that i can't have, all where i'm not fine, i want to forget myself, where is that state of neverending rest, i'm made to be forgotten.

All i share is part of one big story, the story of my life, all has sense and all is linked, surely it is the after effect of my recent nights off, if i'm this frail how could i travel, how could i survive without a vault to hide in.

Life thanks to communications

Humans need communications, not necessarily with other humans, it can be with nature, like growing plants and flowers in a garden, or it can be through imagination, by personifying things around, which can be seen as a piece of madness but in reality will be done to prevent the person from feeling constantly bad, communication can be established with objects and nature as well as with fellow humans, the purpose is to feel acknowledged, existing, simply gathering pleasant feelings to continue to live, it's a natural process for the perennity, preservation, duration of life.

ethereal

Today i'm excited because a new adventure begins, though i won't move an inch, i'll wear my eyes staring at flashy colors, running my imagination along unrealistic outlines, hearing someone i could never see, hidden and comfy,... my head is an infinite terrain that protects me from the burns and scratches of reality, i only feel fine when i'm detached and omniscient.

Farewell and Goodnight

"I wanted to speak but i'm too anxious to think and talk live to the camera, so i'm gonna read something

I was watching the film you mentioned in your last message, titled goodnight mother, and it stirred my feelings, i got angry at the main character, she lets herself being used, she is responsible for her own happiness and she gives up that easily, i haven't finished watching it yet but i felt i needed to clear something, for me, for you, she could have just leave this house and her smothering mother, i guess she could know what is missing in her life and just reach for it, even if it requires to leave, then i thought about my own situation, how i feel stuck the same way, and i always have a good reason, it's like i'm angry at the character of jessie for given up but i do exactly the same, i stay hidden in my space, i don't have the right to be angry at her or i should also kill myself, because i'm an hypocrite right now, i have locked myself in my own body and convinced me that the way i'm seeing me is the right way, that it's an ultimate truth for everyone, and that gives me the best of any reasons to stay away from life, i feel so stuck and limited in my body, can't you see Olia that i'm not fine, it's obnoxious but here's a list of things i hate in me, i shaved today, i don't like to shave because it reveals the dents and holes on my cheeks, my skin is too fragile on that creepy angular face, this is ugly, then see i'm losing my hair, it's thin and sparse, fuzy and dry, while i have too many hairs on my limbs, that's unfair, i can't stand it, oh and see those dumb, crappy glasses, because yeah living in a box my vision gets worse and worse, the only thing i have for me actually is that i'm not fat, if one day i see me as fat i think i will become mad

so and why do i want to please, why?, because society tells us that we have to be beautifully stereotyped to be successful?, i say so often that i don't need others but i still feel horrible around people, this truth on myself that i built produces anxiety and prevent me to move. sorry for that."

Now you saw and you have the proof that i can be truly ugly!

Coiled in a square

I never write something i don't know or i don't see, i know my own functioning, the references behind all i think, the path leading to my outlets, i know it all, it is real for me, easy and understandable, i'm going with what i am but i'm not omniscient, there are lots of things i don't see, i don't know, i'm much aware of my limits, this is frustrating. Though i have the grasp i'm not a good judge of myself, what is to believe now.

Get what you deserve, the story of a boy

There is a contained hatred
If this dog bite off the fingers of my hand
Siping away my joy, my lead
Give birth to my angular face,
Everywhere pits and madness
I'll strangle the woman,
Curse the boy with glares,
Infuriate, the landscape closing on me
with no thread to hold, a car will cut my rush,
I'll do it, i'll reach my burst
As my hope grows thin and my hate bloats
If those kids see it, and everyone consents
In the streets they sure mock me
Them sharp,

Me sick,

and i go barefoot on a road of pins.