My core is my master

Confidence makes the difference, stay in my corner, stand still against the laughters, losing the habit of crying aloud apologizes, i choose i'll never act against my will, i have the ability to hear the whispers of the core of myself, telling me what is good, what is sane, guiding me, i'm aware, and i know humans influence each others by their sole presence, i have the power to discard this trickery, i can be me and i can choose with whoever i want to share it, i'm able to recognize what is informations speaking by others, i process and incorporate, or reject if after researchs those are falsified elements, their judgments aren't for me, it's their unique property, if i decide it no humans will ever overshadow me, because what they say i make mine, i sort out, i ward off, i anihilate or throw back, my source of actions is clear to me, my goal, my reach, in theory i know how to act purely, i don't need them, i know how to stride for my ideals and needs, be true to me is what my core says, i'm convinced everyone can choose his master, the one to dictate his own moves, i'm not a fool, i choose to hear Myself. Believe in it is boundless confidence.

Antisocial

I'll never be a social being, the mass has no value to me, only an individual, i need to know in a conversation that someone is totally concentrated on what i have to give, what i have to say, and reply without being parasitized by different sources of attention in the vicinity, i need to feel fully listened, i need to feel a complete sincerity emanating from the person i'm communicating, i won't raise my voice to shout louder than the other animals in the backyard, i shouldn't have to raise my voice if people truly want to know my opinions, my truth, they'll ask, so if they don't want to know no need to impose and bump elbows just to have the fake impression of existing in a group of harldy known people; Around strangers it's a fight to exist; Around friendS it's glorifying the same references, ideas and knowledge and sometimes let's agree on a fair debate to build a better view toward the truth of one subject.
I'll be null around strangers,
I'll be awkward around friends,
And i'm sure...
I'm sure,
I reach my potential with one!
It's my only way to thrive in a social situation, give my all to one; Take it or leave it!

Me and your peers

Interpretation of an encounter turning into confrontation :

"What is being young, compared to you i'm old but compared to your mom i'm young, think farther if you can, all is relative, it's a perception and self description matter!! If being young is wearing flashy trendy overrated and over expensive clothes, talking futile subjects, gathering in entertainment places to lose yourself, let the master Money takes you to oblivion and pretending all that to be cool, then no, definitely i'm not young. Yet i have more imagination than you'll ever have and i'll never lose what is "youth" to me because i'm not a product, i don't hide behind a fake imagery to reassure myself about a boring future thoughout the common life. You'll lose your youth as you define it and you'll end up with only bitter souvenirs and your withered faded eyes to cry, it will come fast, poor you, and i won't help you work your mind to see beyond when you'll beg for a savior."


biblical comparisons :

-youth way of life is a road to perdition

-master Money is the "passeur", the skeleton ferryman taking you in his craft right to hell.

-the savior... will be your psy ah ah ah! you're doomed and will definitely roast in hellish pain.

(I couldn't resist to add this for the psy comparison ah ah ah! i'm creating my own fun here, with irony.)

Shy

It's the morning, in that space which looks to me like a classroom, same width, same height; I was playing basketball against nba professionals... then 8th grade pupils, amazingly the flat and low ceiling didn't bother our exploits, to shoot and dunk; Later in this very morning, i'm at a desk placed on the center of the same room, drawing lines with a black pen, on my right there's a long series of window panes, letting the light enter covering my entire right side, after a while i raise my head to breath out of my concentration and i see you in a sun ray... straight from my window, at a handful of meters, there is a similar house with the same tremendous panels of glass, you're deeply concentrated, sitting on a tiny desk by the window, writing on a paper, strangely facing my own window; I have a shock as i recognize you, briefly i see your mom brings you a glass of juice, like she was encouraging you to do some labor; Quick, walking on tiptoes i hide in the shadows of the next room, i recover my ideas then i peek by the door-frame, i diagonal through the two huge windows, litterally staring at you, at first i thought "did she watch me throughout my morning activities, i hope i wasn't too rough... wincing, spiting", i observe you, you wear a pullover made of big threads, three faded colors, a pink almost white, a yellow, and a rust colored, entangled, tight on the skin, i couldn't impede my mind to think this obnoxious, manly comment : "she looks sexy", as you regularly lift your chin to glance outside i notice you're hair are cut short again, an impulsive, beveled cut by your own hand and i have a dreadful feeling that you lived a terrible period recently; For a while i watch you, always grasping the woodframe of my door, stretching my neck to see closer without revealing my presence, which i feared was too obvious through the two walls of glass of the two houses, with all the ruckus i did in this spring morning; Suddenly a crispy ring gets me out of my dreamy state, a man is at my door, i let him in, he has wide shoulders, short matt copperly hair, translucent eyes, the nordic type, he seems tough and for a moment i wonder if it's not your bodyguard came here to break my jaw as he caught me mentally sneaking into your room.

what will i be next

A little story :

Let's imagine a couple, a bald man or with scarse hair and a woman, i believe that if we ask the woman, and despite the fact that i'm sure she probably loves him, "what would you change about your boyfriend physically if you could?", then i'm sure she'll say "i wish he'd have more hair!", so that means if the guy had more hair she'd love him more, and if she meets someone else with a little less personality but with a little more hair (aboundant hair), she could fall for him and leave the other guy; This is why i hate myself, i'm on the quest of absolute, but if i lose my hair (inevitable for guys, but the later the better) absolute becomes clearly, definitevely unconceivable anymore. My quest is vain.

between states

I sleep so much that i lose the sense of what's real

what is living

my head is dizzy, my ears burn

i open the window to ventilate myself

the moon is shy behind massive clouds

of a grey so dark i confound it with the night

the fresh wind on my cheeks takes away my fever

and the appealing lights urge me to travel

in straight line on agile feet

comes a disanchanted thought

reality is too much for myself alone

i will miss a warm place to welcome me

and a comprehensive guide along the way

...

an unspeakable flash of arms as a home

Learn yourself and get rid of the now useless habits

(this is kind of long and boring, instant thoughts written on paper at first, it's like the booklet of an electronic device, well i put it here anyway, i keep a trace, maybe this will allow some ideas to germinate)

Feel is an ability developped through childhood and even before that, it starts as soon as you're born, if for too long as a child you strongly feel (which will grow into beliefs) that your life, litteraly, and your sanity depends on one person protecting you then you'll end up believing that you are nothing without such a person, in your adult life you'll search reassurances in others, because you'll have built an extremely sharp ability to feel in order to read, to preserve your security (life and death matter in your mind) incarnated by one person, an object, a space. Unfortunately the majority of people didn't grow the same need as you, they usually learn to love themselves as individuals, so they won't give you the amount of respect and attention you seek (as high as a mother/child relationship, the person you depend on as a child is generally a parent). finally you'll perceive the behaviors around you as rejects and you'll feel hurt because your needs won't be satisfied and because you, in your functioning, your conditioning, will give your all to the others (you'll depend of the love given by the others, while those who will have learned to love themselves will have better balanced relations). To break this bad habit and wrong self perception, one must simply love oneself more, find a balance between the feelings, the love given, sort out the persons one can trust and think about oneself first; remember your body initiating the emotions only wants you good but one has to break the old and no longer right habits, everyone has this choice to live, a faillure, a reject, won't kill you (well in the majority of the cases), we are strong, nature is strong, give yourself the love you deserve, be yourself, and you'll receive in the most honest way the love every humans need from other humans, this is the most sincere way.

My story as example :

My mom was my shield (in my mind as a child) protecting me against my dreadful dad, i believed, in my childhood, that i needed her or my dad will hurt me, my body developped the feeling that without a person as security i would be dead, now i envision the worst in many situations, i can't stand any rejects, and my senses are so sharp i notice everything and everything bother me, every little doubt about me, i can detect it in someone, and then i dramatize my loss if someone rejects me, it became a life or death matter for me. For some built that way they believe that what they are is in people judgements.
I know the theory, i'm aware of how i want to behave, i know myself, my needs and the good use to do with it but my body keept the old habits and still provokes intense emotions, warning me of a danger no longer existing, i know with my reasoning that i'm perfectly safe, my body reaction probably helped me in the time i was really threatened in a harmful environment, but now this process is no longer valid, i know it but my body reacts on habits.