Strings

I want to write
pretend i'm a poet
give a better life to myself
life's always prettier and stronger in unreality
i want at least that
the power to intoxicate me with words
sweep away the soul eaters
pull to me the delight and pleasure of ten lifetimes,
abuse the puppets born from the tip of my fingers
all this tenure, all this joy
all for me
Hail! to me
i am my own master,
the king of mind masturbation.

what a dream, what an illusion.

so good

What's important now
is not for me to tell anymore
No control over my feelings
anymore
I would have been so good with that girl

I'm a ghost on the sidewalks
evaporating elsewhere
i wish to break all barriers
and all i do is closing windows

after

panting my heart out

I would have been so good with that girl
if only i wasn't

...

real

...

I thought...
I thought i was lying on my back, under the sheets, in the big double size bed, the muscles of my naked torso sharp and pumped up, i turn the head on my left side, i see you, lying on your back too, your forearm grazing mine, in your neat underwear and a thin cotton shirt, we are both all sweaty, i can see your skin by transparency where the cloth is wet, you turn your head too, you watch me, you smile, blushing but with a lustful shine in your eyes, it excites me, and you slowly climb on my body, rubbing, pressing the closest you can, leaning on me, staring at me, challenging me, then i clutch your palms in mine, i shackle you, and swiftly but softly turn you and press your back on the matress, i'm the one leaning on you now, our arms stretched over our heads, i hold on the clutch, you're my prisoner, and i murmur, confident, all my licencious thoughts, i'm gently smiling, you didn't drop your lacivious smile and the sparkles in your glance seem stronger, i'm ready to act on my desires, take on your body, make it my feast, rising to delight, and in a brief moment i release my delicate grip on your hands, as i want to let you the choice to protect yourself, cross your arms on your chest, shove me off of you, for that little moment i wait, you are free, and my heart swells as you don't move, i feel that unspeakable peace in that moment where we are, both willingly, now as one.

confession

I like the scent of clean clothes and skin,
and the sweetness of milk too,
a drop sweating down the glass,
or the roundness of the moon,
i like the shimmering waves of hair
and the cuddly wind over dunes too,
i like...
i love your visage and your shape,
the pale blue and the porcelain white on you,
the infinity of your keenness is truth
and all is sensuality to me now
ever
ever since i know you

the Everyday lack

Again this morning
I transpose myself
I dive in those places
blurry and dark
Again, again.

Again and again
i stare at those tight hands
as if they could linger on my skin
make me an Apollon
I focus on those lips
and my mouth salivates
to feel the softness
and warmth
of my lips against hers

I want to wave frantically
to distract the suave reserve
the sullen glance she throws at the ground
Lift your head, Watch me, i'm here
for you
Please, Don't dream away
Come snuggle in my arms

Again and again
i stare and i muse
And the skin i want to caress
i want to kiss every square
And the ears i want to murmur
all my dirty fantasies
for her to dispose of me
And her hair i want to smell
smell her from bottom to top
from top to bottom
I want to hide in her body
to make it my secret place
the garden where i can get lost
and only me know the path to delight

i can't control the desire i feel
it's always you
Again and again.

Let me tell you the stories of that love.

shuffle the traces

You got used to it
You got nothing back
and you don't want to make an effort anymore
They aren't bad persons
They simply don't think about you

You thought but never acted
You were smiling but in yourself with them
It's confusing now, who didn't want
Maybe you...
You were waiting for the imperious motive

Change yourself, be more clear with what you want
And don't blame others
They acted like your communication pushed them to
Unconsciously you wanted to stay solid
Now everything's changing
Think about them, will they think about you

Too bad,
I'm already set.

You, who are you

I desire you and i have the desire to share and discover with you, i want to feel trust, i want to feel trust and there's no limit, when safe every little things, acts, details are enjoyable, the envy grows, the need to experience, to go forward, to try novelties, new paths, new reflections, with a truthful companion anything that is life is smooth, blissful and exciting.
You the one who will accept and naturally gives the trust, the truth, your truth, you who will be able by your true self to make me feel i can trust fully, who will turn me irremediably trustful, you who will make me feel trusted, and loved.

leading my path

I need to travel, a mind like mine can't stay alienated between these yellowish walls, so much imagination i could take, so much creativity, i will feel so full, so complete, i need to see those sights, those streets, a bit of nature, i need to feel i'm moving on, going forward, one destination leading to another, travelling around the world, cheap, with physical strenght, i don't care, but i need to travel to grow wiser.


Right here, Right now i'm ready to give all for one.

Freaky

I think i've got a problem! To feel anything for a woman i need her to say she's attracted to me.

I'm not directed at a body; a body, any body does the same job, any body has the same features, women are made the same, and men too, the body isn't what makes us unique, we are interchangeable, i think i fall in love with a mind, a personality, if i knew what to do with a body i would be able to take the pleasure out of it, and i would take it from any body, if i knew how to feel that mindless carnal joy i would wander like a bee from flower to flower sucking out all the liquorous pleasure i can take;
Can i be awaken, unleashed.
Is that a woe, is that. What is, what i could be or what i am.




What i am makes me feel inferior and abused.
What i could be is a despicable sex tyrant.

...

Snippets of Walden

In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness.

i don't understand pleasure...
i think i never felt it
i'm gonna study it

that implies

Caligula - Albert Camus

"Caligula, a relatively kind prince so far, realizes on the death of Drusilla, his sister and his mistress, that "men die and they are not happy." Therefore, obsessed by the quest for the Absolute and poisoned by contempt and horror, he tries to exercise, through murder and systematic perversion of all values, a freedom which he discovers in the end is no good. He rejects friendship and love, simple human solidarity, good and evil. He takes the word of those around him, he forces them to logic, he levels all around him by force of his refusal and by the rage of destruction which drives his passion for life.

But if his truth is to rebel against fate, his error is to deny men. One cannot destroy without destroying oneself. This is why Caligula depopulates the world around him and, true to his logic, makes arrangements to arm those who will eventually kill him. Caligula is the story of a superior suicide. It is the story of the most human and the most tragic of errors. Unfaithful to man, loyal to himself, Caligula consents to die for having understood that no one can save himself all alone and that one cannot be free in opposition to other human beings."

i don't like...
i don't like what i write...i don't like what i am...
i'm depressed

i need to feel out of Olia (through something, someone not related to her)
because
i'm competing against all the writers, all the artists, all that feels, all that make her feel, to get her affection, and i'm tired, i can't win against that much.

Yet

He is beautiful,
mysterious and engaging.
He is quick and witty,
Always speaking the right word,
to make you feel you're his.
He is stylish in his dark tones clothes,
chosing by himself what you'll have choosen for him
He's breathing joy,
sure, proud and compassionate.
you feel the tingling in your being when he reaches your lips
when he's not in sight, he's still the one you move for,
He worships your body and smiles to all the girls.
He sees you, you're the center.
People encense him, you feel privileged to know him,
to melt in him.
He is successful, wealth in both hands,
he offers you what's most precious you think,
He is soft, we see
kind and strong, he is made to please.
He is one
He is here
He is close to you
i see

He is, the one you love.

nothing else

Sometimes she hardly says it
those words to empower me.

Sometimes i believe she understands
that my sadness is in the non existence.

There's a well people throw rocks in
and that is what define me

Sometimes i wish i think and she says
for i won't have to disclose anything anymore

Sometimes i plan i'll try hatred sincerely
to justify my point on this life

There's a foul will in me to release
that will happily turn me forgetful

and Sometimes i wish her to say
that she will always be!

So i can say : "no you won't!"

My words are more dramatic than my look.

i live it that way

"It takes a hundred miles of love
To heal a mile of pain
I never say goodbye to the scene
And I never blow out a flame
And I got

White lies for dark times and I don't need your crutch
I'm kicking out stained glass windows and I'm
Tender to the touch

Shimmer and shine
We leave it all behind
Shimmer and shine
When you tell me that you're mine
Shimmer and shine, shimmer and shine

Bring me the music for the revolution
It puts my mind at ease, to know
We're the problem, we're the solution
The cure and the disease
But life is trying to force me
Force me to trust
I've done all I can
I do what I must

Shimmer and shine
We leave it all behind
Shimmer and shine
When you tell me that you're mine"

                            ben harper

(I hear you are getting away, forgeting me, leaving me alone, so, i take fright,
throw a drama and cry "stay with me i can't live without you",
that's how it works, it's lame and childish, i know!, how many sulks yet
until you get bored for good. )

"undefined"

Tried to eat an apple, i'm not hungry anymore, i lost hunger, i lost sleep, i feel decomposed, again, ugly, always, please people don't watch those emaciated traits, those thin hair and lean carcass, all come back to me... me, me, me, me, me, me, and my inability to sustain glares and attachment, it's awful... it's awful... the worst... i even can't feel anything for any other girl.

"undefined" is your word, it has been mine previously to you and i'm taking it back again.

the reverse awakening

It's probably more than three years now, so long, will it pass and fade, will i feel i lost those years, three years spending to glorify that relation, thinking it was good for me, that it was fitting, soaring higher, and higher, and farther than the human mud, muddle, mess, i'm the mess now, i thought it was special but what i imposed to myself i can't ask of the other, what was i waiting, all those years and the previous ones, what was to expect, that i could live above all in my meditation, eyes closed but all senses sharp like a buddha, eternal, but i'm no god or stone guardian, i'm not a self sufficient creature now that i'm awaken, i'm a weak human, i'm yearning, and as i'm unprepared to the inclination and doing of my kind, the propensity to scatter, to take and leave not without hitting before, to enjoy mindless pleasures, now that i'm awaken to that filthy nature i can't do otherwise than being emotionally hurt confronted to those casual behaviors, i have to unlearn, get rid of that clear and naive body and mind, carve a new me in the dirt, or i won't last long in such a world.

"hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me"

bumping into myself

This morning i kicked my heart inadvertently, i didn't see it has fallen down on the dirty tarmac, all absorbed i was by the tale of the purest lake with emerald shimmers, i winced and turned my head to see the poor thing trembling, trying to hide itself in a shady corner, ruffled in confusion, lost in the noise and thunder of people galloping close, so small, who could see it, dying in indifference, maybe the next inattentive idiot or cruel girl will finally end the misery of this sick heart by walking onto it, ...inadvertently.

the weight of obsession

I don't know how to distract myself, i'm sitting here, legs crossed, i dressed, i took a shower, those were my attempts to boost me up in that day, but now, i'm just here, tetanized, watching through the furnitures with glassy eyes, as if the life force was stolen from my scrawny body, my senses are dull, all remaining is this energy ball in my stomach, an irradiating stir that makes me dizzy and i know that no place i could run to will soothe me from that settled ogre inside, i can't escape it, it'll just cover me deeper like i'm crawling in quicksand, my mind is overtaken, my mind is overtaken, my mind is overtaken, and i intensely want to give my body too, there's no secure place to picture because the delusional memory of her embrace just build stronger the feeling of her absence, this is hopeless, this is useless to desire that much, my eyes cry and my lips shiver desperately craving to speak those words aloud, take me away, touch me, don't leave me, je t'aime tellement!

trust and detachment

If you say "i love" too easily, like a momentum to the outside, toward someone that isn't me, i could feel a pinch in my heart (because i know you feel so strongly), i don't disclose this for you to change your behaviors, your words or what you feel, those are your rights, i'm just letting you know how my mind and body lead me to be hurt quickly, i take it so fast against myself and every display toward what is not me makes me feel betrayed, that is also a defect of my development, can i change that to feel better in my skin and trust people too, i wish i can, i wish there's a way.

Tell me if ever i hurt you by what i say or do.

Snippets of Walden

"Let not to get a living be thy trade, but thy sport. Enjoy the land, but own it not. Through want of enterprise and faith men are where they are, buying and selling, and spending their lives like serfs."

"Every man is the builder of a temple, called his body, to the god he worships, after a style purely his own, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead. We are all sculptors and painters, and our material is our own flesh and blood and bones. Any nobleness begins at once to refine a man's features, any meanness or sensuality to imbrute them."

"The squirrels also grew at last to be quite familiar, and occasionally stepped upon my shoe, when that was the nearest way."

"the imagination give it the least license, dives deeper and soars higher than Nature goes."

Let's get out of here, let's forgive our pasts, a new town each year, the world for home.

Writers on the road.

My mind is full of shit! when i see you i know for sure that you are honest in your gestures and stare, things that can't deceive, but as soon as we part and let some time pass my mind screams "Lies!" and "Betrayal!"
I'm exposed now clearly to that defect of my education.
The doubt! Even if there's a tiny insignificant chance that something happen, that i will be fooled, my mind considers it and forces me to be focused on it, as anything is ever perfect and sure in this world, i'm then constantly insecure. Whatever i'm confronted to i will doubt, will it be the heavenly speech as well.

Skin Thin

"Now that you've grown up
You can finally learn to be a child"

---An emotive kid, always taking everything too seriously, no place for games, innocence and carelessness, every little words pondered, reflected, assimilated, always hurt for the curse of not knowing how to detach himself, not knowing to just taking it easy, just taking it and leave, leave the rest to rot----

"But the day seems so long"

--- when you have nothing to do, no rules, no strict routines, no friends available, and mostly the person who understands you the most isn't close----

"Blood again
It's all I can do to hold on"

---Wallowing in self pity, learning to enjoy the sadness, yeah it's all i can do to pass the days, tame the pain of being lonely, with one obsession in my mind, one dream, one utopia, watching my doom like sand falling through my fingers and trying to catch it again and again and again ,"you idiot kid"---

"Always knew if (i) didn't have (the) other
(i)'d have nothing at all"

---When in love all is transposed to the other, nothing is left of me, if the person disapears i'm empty, that's how i love, that's extreme, that's unique, i don't know how to share myself, i don't cut myself in pieces, it's all for one, that's how i love---

"But you were always brave enough
To live like you can never fall"

---Others are strong enough to stand back again because they keep themselves for themselves, nothing can be stolen or so few, a tv, a car or a pet, i own nothing except myself when i'm alone and free, when i gave myself away there's no way i can be brave enough to build back from nothingness, you can go on, i envy you---

"Good friends behind me
But ghosts up ahead for miles and miles"

---an emotional person will drag along ghosts in fluries, more than his share to torment him every day, please, true love, make me forget, make me blind, make me happy as a fool---

Act 3 scene 5

- "I love you" he said.

- "Is it my fault if i'm not hurt" she talked.

- "........no ........"

He knew it was the end of him.

Touch

2 decembre 2010 - 00h55

Let it flow
Let is pass
That's a work in progress
I got a new vision
Back, back, back
Way back
In the ruins
That's where i start
A new chapter

low

In fact you have all you need with your friend, a room, food, and sex, everything here to fullfill your primal natural needs, warmth, energy and pleasure, all that means security, security to survival.
Intellectual matters finally aren't vital so there's no need for you to leave your situation, i can't bring you security and my mind for you to absorb is disposable through internet.

flash of lucidity...

i know what's going on

i know what's going on

i know what's going on

i can't stop it

i'm uninterested

my chances of salvation are fading away

Closeness, all cut and torn, it's falling slush today!

I say to myself "Drift away!"
Stop holding that cord
Have you so much will to suffer
What are your choices
The more you think the more you want to die
Stab the snakepit
This life's a (senseless) tragedy.




(i need affection... affection is not making love, it's crying in someone else's arms safely, i'm so fragile lately, what thought will keep me strong)

Scramble

Where are you
Don't you want to talk
Who will awake me instead of teasing me
I fear of being hurt whatever i do, whatever i check
Pretending to smile was a burden
But the words disapeared
I'm open
And no one listens

this wound pulls me to agony

i don't know, really

"...
...
...
...
...

...


Is it just me, or is it

just us

Feeling lost in this world?

Why do we have to hurt each other?

Why do we have

to shed tears?

Life can be beautiful if you try

Life can be joyful if we try

Tell me

I am not alone

Tell me we are not alone in this world fighting against the wind

Do you

remember the time when simple things made you happy

Do you remember the time when simple things

made you laugh



You know life can be simple

You know life is simple

Because the

best thing in life is yet to come

Because the best is yet to come"

Exposure

My writings are lame to me when it's too fresh, the images of reality still vivid in my mind overpower whatever i could write of it, obviously reality is the best, i transcend my feelings along it, what runs through my body at the moment i live is way beyond any attempt to put it on paper or draw words on, i have to let it slip away, a little or longer, lose the state, fall back in waiting and triviality, then i can read it again and its strenght takes over me, i'm inactive but i live anew the scene, i regard it smart in the details, sharp in the senses, pretty in the accuracy, profound in the meaning, and a small slice of the intensity shakes me out of the bordedom, it's almost insignificant compared to the initial feeling but i have a better view on the difficulty to write something deep and moving, and if, me, usually so critic on everything i do, i can, even slightly, pull me out to praise, cast a little shine on my self perception then i'm glad, i'm not totally useless of transcribing my fellings into words.
What i wrote is mainly strong and edgy, violent and tense, dark and touchy, i think, but i swear to everyone reading me, what's in my head, what pounds my muscles when i feel is way beyond of anything i can lay down in black letters.

My feelings are too strong that's why it spills over and i display it with all the means to my disposition, playing tricks and control, but keep in mind people that it's hard for me to confess and that what goes through me is stronger and higher than what it seems, if you think my writings already go too far, just imagine where my mind goes when i feel directly on the moment, love and hate are the two wings of my swirling torments.

a Vision of Self

Speeding on my bike wraped in my scarf as a larvae in a cocoon, through that holy moist night, i experienced the taste of liberation, not from you love, but from long-time dwelling demons, crawling proudly inside, the discomfort of my frozen ears and crying eyes for the cold didn't get me astray, i chased cats along the way, i stopped to watch them roll in the gutter with the imperious feeling to reach and touch, give myself all in a conniving moment, i smiled timidly to my neighbors always lowering my head but with a different heart this time, as if i wasn't so troubled by the interaction, as if for once i kept myself one in front of the other and didn't project my vision into them, i was pedaling energically and imagined i could be a good writer, it whiped me, so true, so possible, tonight during that incongruous ride, i knew my process of creation and acceptance, the personal acts to perpetrate the goodness, i knew i could find myself, not being so embarrassed in front of the world, not shatter to pieces, but strong and sure, so sure of what are my goals and what i am in my entirety.

Crying for

when someone reveals to you, you have an opportunity, and those who are deprived of that attention, for whatever reason, hold on to that new possibility to feel and to the person related responsible by his disclosure, be it a complete and clear vow of love or a discreet but tender move to the one lacking; When you are highly sensitive and that your daily life doesn't satisfy your needs to feel pleasure and goodness, (and sensitive ones need a lot), you cling to all the signs, it helps keeping hope, and you don't want to release any as you sense it's your sanity at stake, can someone so desperate, so unfulfilled, really grasp to every lead without losing himself, losing focus of what is really good for him, and losing people who sincerely feel for him, because feeling too much is a battle for you have to constantly be aware to get your hunch of "preserving-life" affection, it's a hunt, but someone who wants all can end up with nothing because others don't want to share the person they feel for, and mostly, unfortunately for those sensitive ones, others don't give enough and don't need as much.

Moreover, i think even the sensitive ones who need a lot of affection and try to catch it by scouting and soaking up the surroundings relentlessly, they won't accept that someone they feel for doesn't belong entirely to them, the dilema is here : you want everybody to love only you, but you want yourself to love everybody. If everyone wants that, then Love is impossible.

"a good woman"

"It's so sad" she says, getting out of her reflection, "she knew only one man, she married him, and despite the wildness of their expectations, she is still with him after so many years", that girl in front of me, i know so well, still young, slick skin and charming
eyes, wants to taste all the suavity of men, and made own the places of debauchery, it's so sad? i think, is it?, that woman we talked about got his life, spent it in reveries, reaching highs through simplicity, a kitten rolling a ball of wool, a flower standing out of a sooty wall, seeing beauty out of her mind, wet leaves decorating a sidewalk or a sweet wild strawberry hidden in the grass she would have taken the pain and pleasure to discover crouched in the dew, now, dusk is covering her, is it sad? really?, i think, that woman, so open to the world that her very self became unimportant, has so much love to give, so much that even the most cruel misfortunes and injustices didn't drained her of the passion. Who wouldn't admire such a woman. Who?! So, is it sad?

if it is, then my life is.

Abuse

-"Do you think i support this!, but though the word "abuse" has something negative it must exist another word as sometimes i want people to take over me, tease me, attract me, like a kid teases a ant with a stick, because that way i know i'm the center of the attention, in that disgusting misery i'm something unique, a loved reject."

Intangible

*Show me your mind*, breathing on his face she was standing in the intimacy they sought, proper to unleash the bestiality of flesh against flesh, the warmth of two fires licking each and every curves, *show me your mind*, her innocent dress, so light, didn't deceive him as she was holding up her chest to expose, under this thin cloth, the bulge of her nipples proving her excitment,*show me your mind*, the shivers along her delicate legs let him think she was about to faint only to stole him a kiss when he'll put his arms on her bare back to catch her safe, "show me your mind", she doesn't flinch, one thing was to expect her eyes begged for it, "lift a tail and slowly stroke my awaiting thighs and rear", "take it off, all i desire is your tight skin pressed against mine", "i want you", all said with faded shyness, with her lusful mouth, showing only a demanding smile, she was ready to reach for him, still standing without a move in the aura of attraction, suddenly he breaks, "you are pretty, i like girls, but you're not listening to me", "nothing can happen i'm simply not real enough in my mind", he guided her back to the door, shut it forever with this unforgetable lock.

(small try, something different, something of a rejected wish, of an uncontrolled choice)

(it's difficult to write without knowledge)

Spacing out

She had that look like she's not there, deep bright eyes piercing to the ground, and he wonders, a strand of recently combed hair, black as fresh tar, scratching across her pale brow and cheek, and he is teased, a little notch on the corner of her pressed lips, round and soft like a juicy cherry, terrifying, pretty, he's shaky, he could swear he saw it tremble, "she cries for poetry" he thought.
Black and white, an anonymous face in a tiny frame.
"You idiot" he whispers,You must be so lost to see your love in a square of commonality.

Open window

"Beware, beware." He was speaking aloud, his arms stretched over his head, caught into the game he was watching, a pale light coming from the left window was painting the whole empty apartment in a livid hue, he forgot the murky sky, the hour of the day, he forgot whatever he had to do, then, in a flash, like a sleeper hoping back to lucidity he felt her, approaching, his chest started to warm up and a childish smile hatched on his face, ready to soar toward that love his body softened, his eyes rolled to fall into the heaviness of sulk as he was watching at a void framedoor, alone, in this gloomy bedroom.

Temple

Remember those grainy blue seats you were settling in for hours, how you stuck your nose in your book when she arrived, blinding yourself, vainly trying to impede your feelings to rise, take all of you, awkwardly shutting down your senses, a shy gargoyle you were, haunting that abandonned hall in the sole purpose to be closer to her, for a swift instant, the time it takes to cross the room to the office, you stretched, you sipped that moment, a dazing nectar it was for you, so much conscious you were of her proximate presence, and as she glided softly, the scent of her body, a trail to trap you, forever made you feel a thousand extasies and playing insanely the most licentious desires.

Bored!

What are we waiting for?, a plausible meeting somewhere in the course of time, we will hardly get to know each other that we'll have to part, who will accompany me when i'll feel i need to play basketball, will i find friends over there, who will take you to the place you encounter cats, you'll need someone to share that personal relief, so why are we waiting, thinking of it, it's useless, a waste of experience, of time, of life, i don't have time, i'm on a slide, imagination doesn't satisfy me anymore, people i knew have already traveled the whole planet, they loved, they were loved, they changed, they changed jobs, they changed girlfriends, thus resounds the words of my dad from the past "at your age i already kissed a girl", well buddy it's not a game for me, it's my health on the thread, tip toe on the razorblade, that's how i feel, when i'm outside people scratch me with their words, their behaviors, i'm shy, i'm small on a line in a store, trying to look innocent, to blend in, to be the good guy in the right place, but this is not, not the golden path to me, i'm waiting that problems solve by themselves, "i don't care" i say, help*, i don't care if no one loves me, if i'm a nobody in that world, help*, i don't care people dying and humanity withering, i don't care for cuteness, hear me*, how could i support a group i don't belong, all those groups, everything, everyone, i belong nowhere and to no one, and i say "i don't care", taming my rage, bashing my flesh, lock it in deep from the suspicious eyes, i don't want to be a bother to all, when you think you aren't worthy that puts you in an intouchable position, you are transparent and intangible to friends and foes, why waiting tell me, aren't every couple bonded by default, you can't know everybody, so you can't tell who will be the best for you, you can't try all that exists, see, i never knew, and i will give my heart to the first who talks to me, that sounds like getting carried away, how could we know if we are waiting.

(At the time i wrote this, i didn't know you weren't waiting... and liking it to the core)

I can't live amongst humans!

I can't live amongst humans, as long as they are so angry, they don't know how to communicate their emotions, griefs and joys gently, keep that burst under control and disarm all conflicts by speaking clear, honest and nicely, many people are just too erratic, they have no power on themselves, on the turmoil of their many emotions and when they lose it they just shout, attack, anything to calm it down, the problem is within them, talk clearly and kindly, use empathy, and every predicament can be fixed for the best of everyone implied, when someone knocks at your door barking, with a black stare, how can you stay indolent, smiling and nice, i sure can't, when people attack me i simply want to kill, it's scary in both ways because to someone who will expose his problem with me in the purpose to find a suitable solution for everyone, with kindness and poise, i will make the best effort and search too the best solution, we could be friends and leave on a smile, confronted to the opposite reaction, the direct aggression, i could kill or get killed in the process to kill someone, people are really fucked up at the core and they are driving me crazy through their lack of respect.

The slow Doze of our free will to be happy and one

We are ok with the nothingness we have, we forget, and it's somewhat beautiful, the mind adapts, so we can overcome losses and break ups, nature makes us survive, we can drop dreams and leave former friends behind, we need safety as we are so unsure about what we all are, individually as well as collectively, we don't know so we are mainly affraid by every novelty, so we settle in the norms, or in our norms, we live a cosy simplistic life (i say simplistic and not simple, that means the rules are easy to follow, we don't challenge ourselves), in the end we don't know what we are able of doing and what could really makes us ecstatic; To be enlightened to our infinite possibilities we have to be pushed by something or someone, and idea, a feeling, and then we dare, we free ourselves for one act and touch the immensity of all we miss and how our daily life is dull, i swear to all of you any life along the common rules is dull, your brain rots with the shrinking of ideas and imagination that could flourish in you, we are just wasting the purpose to life, which is to experience, to learn, to evolve, to live in bliss and harmony.

we are lazy, we choose easiness, it requires a blast in every mind, like a distorted guitare chord, to awake to that sea of possibilities.

a soothing smile vs the shame of uncontrollable disclosing

I'm on msn, writing my thoughts to that girl, Chloé she's called, it's a nonchalant discussion, i'm lying on my side, reading the text that pops up on my white screen and typing back, i can imagine her wiggling on her chair, sparkles in her smart eyes and a smile under that strange nose, i only saw her a couple of times in real life and the questions "how i got her msn?, and why am i chatting so casually with her?" swiftly cross my mind, but whatever i like that i feel a link between us, i kept in mind from the few meetings that she's dating a guy and that she's younger than me, hence the impetuous temper, but deeply anchored in goodness... my impression; i see images, in a flash, of a game we played in a field of bulged green grass, with all the group, in that short moment we spent together i had noticed she has something different, an aura of intelligence and sympathy, i'm sure she is sanely a good person, at heart;
So, we are chattering, she teases me sometimes on the straightness of my assumptions, i claim being tolerant but i put people in boxes with labels, all coated with my bitterness, she teases, she plays and i assume we both smile; suddenly, because of my bad position i lay my fingers randomly on the keyboard, on one of those pre-recorded keys that display an entire phrase, i typed : "i love you", a mistake my mind cries, something forbidden, i didn't want to cut the conversation with those serious words, quick i'm trying to explain, my hand slipped i didn't mean that, but i keep doing errors while typing, i can't get a correct sentence, i'm getting annoyed, i stand my bust straight in front of the computer, but no mean i'm still too nervous to type a decent line of apologies, i can't clear it up, and my heartbeats race as i see she's commenting that last line of mine, i'm ashamed that my unconscious revealed itself and now she knows and will go away, this link will be too demanding to preserve, we come from two different worlds; i read she teases me again, saying "and another stereotyped expression by François", but i can still feel the smile behind that reproach, i'm panicking but she hasn't changed the way she is at all, did she know i was under a spell, she seems so sure of herself, and what i remember is her acceptance smile.

Time to awake, like a nightmare will do.

Butter it down

Maybe i could learn to be indifferent by writting lame facts, little stories with not much sense, maybe that way i'll learn not to scorch myself in my feelings, let it pass, stop writing with that blood.
Spread the blackout.
Maybe that way my life will lose its importance enough for me to be more free.

Why, i can't be normal!

Today loneliness is like the need for lust to me, i want to discover people, i want girls to smile at me, everything around me looks pretty except myself, i want to be physically close, i want to experience the discovery of emotions with girls.

I'm tired of being wrong, carefullness is my doom right now.

Romance is everwhere in our modern world, in the dumbest, in the smartest movie, in every schoolyard, in every association of people, in every street, i feel like a left over, no one even ever tried me.

Disconnecting

I have a sentiment, we all mainly cross this life without knowing what being truly relieved is, happiness as a safe state, speak fast and proud, lying head down on the couch, wriggling, not using anything as it is originally designed, because we know we won't be judged as crazy or eccentric if we do, everyone in its own skin, feeling the unity of a gang, supported and loved, are we too often tired to be able to enjoy fully a moment, it is so brief, is it because others are different, they are not us, we are all so uselessly reserved, we expect too much and no one ever goes our way at will, randomly two persons take a step at the exact same time, they feel the rise, a perfect connection in one second, two are one and the understanding fills the air, that is the rare feeling of happiness, but why can't i have more often the relieve of talking what's in my mind, straigthly to someone, and not see the incomprehension or uneasiness in their glares, are we just too tired, in reality, sadly, mentally too weak, that we can't process and really understand when someone is revealing his heart, i'm tired of moving carefully, who am i trying to preserve, me or them....
Disconnecting is such a burden.

concert a la ferme septembre 2010

This will be my legacy

I have the feeling i won't do much in this life than this, maybe it's my climax, and soon comes the fall to oblivion.

A Projection Problem

For the mind who learnt to picture and create a complete vision from any things that come to it, and then can project an avatar with the same reasoning features as oneself, no place and no event is dull, that's the ability to put life and sense, to personally invent all kind of different worlds, even, for the most trained minds, from one tiny little hint, that's the power of imagination; unfortunately for those more grounded minds, those who can't project themselves, they'll need to have constantly new material objects, or bodies in their hands to remove the boredom intrinsic to every human life.

Once upon a time...

"Il se pourrait bien que je t'Aime."

This will go down in the History of my life.

(all messy after a long walk)

(my camera is broken... i wanted to speak it... )


"You know how there is only one -particular- woman in every man's life."

(My Mom used to say something like that)

In a mind i'm an idealized image, in reality i'm that thing, we react on fiddled imagination, reality is ugly.

easy pleasure

Hug a tree, rub your hands on the bark, enjoy the scent of nature.

I've got desire...

In me i'm lost

(reminder, one moment, for myself)

"I don't look in the mirror
I don't like what I see staring back at me
Everything is clearer
I'll never see what you see
It's not me
So beautiful and free
I'll never be what you need
Can't help at all
I was born so beautiful
But now I'm ugly

And I rot in my skin
As a piece of me dies everyday
I know I'm nothing
I know there's nothing I can say
To change
The judegment in their ways
I'll never be what you need
Can't help at all
My love was so beautiful
But now I'm ugly
Yeah...

I'm good enough, but I don't care
I'm good enough, but I'm not there
I'm good enough, but I don't care
The sun is out, but I'm not there

I'm good enough, but I don't care
The sun is out, but I'm not there
I'm good enough
I'm good enough

I don't look in the mirror
I don't like what I see staring back at me
Everything is clearer
I'll never see what you see
And I rot in my skin
As a piece of me dies everyday
I know I'm nothing
Because I'm ugly"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQHYn92kXM

the Beast

I refuse that love turns me dumb, i'll ask intelligibly, do you want of me, do you want to spend time with me, i want to hug you, i want to kiss you, do you want to come with me, in the moment i'll wait for a clear response, yes, no, and that's all, i'll be boundless in my propositions and heartless to refusals, if there are too much no's, a meaning will emerge, the matching, the sharing will be disputable, and i will make harsh choices, goodbye i need something else and you too;
Sure, moods and needs rarely match perfectly, and i don't want someone to do concessions on one's envies for me, i want sincerity, even from those who don't care for me, even those who could toughly push me away, what's important is the need of an instant. i want things simple and practical for everyone to reach out for his own bliss.
So,
do you
...
go on

i want love upholding, and not a matter of suffering.

love is a beast

Near nothing

In the course of the next year i'll probably shave my head, i know i won't support myself without it, i'll loathe myself even more, when that time will come i will be near the end.
fast and savage.

(teenage angst in me:)


"le pessimiste doit s'inventer chaque jour d'autre raisons d'exister : c'est une victime du "sens" de la vie" emile cioran

Active learning low

In the way we communicate, through distance, we can only share what we already know, the subjects we already learnt about in the past days, we present ourselves with well formed opinions; the sharing we lack mainly is the discovery of some new knowledge together in a same moment, like going to an unknown place for both of us, or watching an unseen movie yet, or commenting on an event unraveling before our very eyes in the present, we can't share the path of learning together;
I would have enjoyed so much to propose you to go see a movie, or visit a place, or eating at a random restaurant, or anything new and simple, just to share the pleasure of novelty with you (nothing fancy i fear, though my mind isn't shut to bungee jump from a bridge or riding a full speed jet ski, or whatever daring and wild ... holding you tight), the simplicity of new experiences with your companionship.
This will enrich even more our communications and
despite all my self hatred,
this is something i crave,
being with you in space and time, in the fluctuations, the informations, and choices of one instant.

The Journey

Time to jump in the car, it's a long trip to an unknown place, Is forseen winding along picturesque and narrow roads. Everybody seat randomly, she chose to be on the back next to the window, i'm outside leaning on the trunk watching the path ahead with hope, starting from that town the murky sky is engaging, then turning my head our eyes cross, i feel the electricity, a pounding in my chest, joy reaches me, i imagine the attraction, that i'm wanted, it's a glimpse, we're nearly all in as i enter last, on an impulse, her so sage, authoritatively ask that the pretty young boy installed close to her shift place with me, this statement is strong, honest and pure, that no one argues and i'm thrilled anew with electricity running down my body, like a cue that she accepted me, she chose me to share companionship on that long, unpredictable journey, our glances are conniving now that i'm shoulder on shoulder with her, and we both stroke each other hand, smiling inside peacefully, we waited so long, we know everything, i feel i belong somewhere, she took me, she is sure, and i have no doubt myself too, such a rapture, freedom and assurance to whatever comes, our beings are bonded to see the good in all events. Let's start.

wipe threats to reach out

When we feel threatened, we can't give, out body and mind are too busy trying to preserve themselves, so we aren't interesting for others, it's a simpl rule but to me, true, and so important for communications between humans, we have to feel trust and confidence to give fully, and only if we are open, that we are able to give, only then people will come to us, which makes sense actually; that's how by fears we isolate ourselves, and the feelings of a person is something everyone can guess, with our animal instincts, it's natural, we can't really hide, the truth of the state of one person is oozing from him and other humans are naturally equiped to detect it, the procesus is simple :

-others want, like us, being understood and heard, they want sharings

-to give to others we have to feel safe

-if we feel tense, in danger our body and mind withdraw on themselves to protect themselves

-so if we want to share, be charismatic to attract others, we have to be confident, because others can feel fears and insecurities, it's the animal instinct we have all

In definitive it's a natural reaction to preserve ourselves that can isolate us from our fellow humans

Better being alive in the pit of hell

I'm here to talk about me, what else, all i sense is a projection of myself, people and situations, facts and ideas, everyone live in his very own and unique paradigm; so what phase am i in currently? There's a change, right now i can tell, i'm unkind, i seek for the impur, even in my dreams, i play everyday the wicked, the amorality of all the torturous deeds i'm confronted to, just doesn't reach me, i'm insensitive to kindness, i'm sick of mellow speeches and imagery, it's all dainty and reclusive, all i don't want to be at that moment, i built my skin as strong and dark as onyx, to protect myself from the recurring darts of this vicious civilization, to live amongs the scorpions you have to harden your shell as long as your soul, i'm not imitating anyone, but my thoughts are full of wild rides, lascivious creatures, punches in the face, insults and grinding noises, all that is discordant, perverted, savage, maybe i wish for the life on the line, i'm tired to be a victim, tired to wait in vain, nothing lenient enough will gonna pull you out of this pond of tar; Why wanting to be soft and respectful when one is convinced that his life will pass stuck in a degrading moldy state, one in the other like russian dolls, the consciousness suffering in the rotting fleshly enveloppe, also trapped between the four walls of a shelter i'm sure i won't leave, ever; So again why being nice, for who, for what, there's nothing here that gives me the envy to be tuned, to get my part, and be one with both or one of the systems, the natural one and the societal one, there's no need to be worthy of actions and thoughts, if i have to live like i do now, till the end, there's no higher goal, and no reward, everyone has the same ending, peace has the face of death, obviously being respectful and sensitive only cause your environement hence to crush you plainly, or worst, to squeeze out all the good you can give then drop you there scrawny and mentally miserable; Yeah my point for that long note is that i can't be weak those days or i get sick of myself, so i prefer to despise the goodness instead, to protect my integrity, my legitimacy to continue to live, don't talk to me mildly, don't try to lull my vigilance, to bore me to death, to turn me into a smooth wimp, what i do those days, the usual, i want it straight and gory, i want no manners, no sweet talks, i get angry to the victims accepting their wretched fate, i fear like the plague to be of that kind, if i can find strenght into directness and vulgarity, then fine, anything to make me strong and bear the shitty way of life, tempting, caressing, appealing, waiting ahead of me.

Respect

There's no feelings out of respect, it's something reasoned, something we believe in or not, Respect is a way of life.

(one can respect every trees, every animals, every humans, on the planet, but he has to create a link to feel something for one out of the bunch.)

Erotic Certainty (trace of a powerful feeling of security)

Last night i had an erotic dream! Involving Paz Lenchantin!(why?...?)
Like all fantasies it was as it must be to be enjoyed fully;

No emphatic, pompous, reccurent place :
a yellow lighted and painted kitchen; i was sleeping on the tiled floor with a blanket in front of the fridge, on the rough.

No music, no ceremonial, no counterfeited atmosphere!

No pressure, not one anguish, only the fluently trust and natural behavior of two persons free of all fears and complexes :
dressed in her commonly sexy shorts, fitting the warm sun entering by the sole window and calling for joy, lighted feelings.

No imposing, no moral, no questions, everything so sincere, free and evident :
still lying flat on my back and kind of awaking softly in the knowingly pleasing morning, she simply barged in the room, smiling like it is the only way she can be when she's close to me, she precipitates in one move, takes off her shirt, crawls under the thin blanket and clutches me, her bust on mine, a leap of faith, but radiant, believing truly in my catch, (at that moment i'm striked by the certitude that she does it because she wants it, she feels it, and she can do it countless times, leaving, far, near, a long time a short time, and coming back with the same bliss elightening her face) and i see her fluttering around, i swear i can hear all the ideas and the many worlds in her mind, my confidence is entirely for her because i'm sure that she is free to go everywhere she wants, to think, to act, to materialize all that is important for her, and in the immensity of the possibilities she possesses, that sheer intelligence and talent, that wild character and independence, in all the quality of her person, i read it my place, as the link to the motor of her life.

No need to oppress, nor possess! The obvioussness of our mutual belonging is what tied us without forcing any of our actions, or thoughts.

Blue light (not my words*)

There's a blue light
In my best friend's room
There's a blue light
In his eye

There's a blue light, yeah
I want to see it
Shine

There's a ship
That sails by my window
There's a ship that sails on by

There's a world under it
I think I see it
Sailing away
I think it's sailing
Miles crashing me by
Crashing me by
Crashing me by

There's a world
Outside my doorstep
Flames over
Everyone's hot
Don't you see them shining
I want to hear them
Beating for me
I think I hear them

Waves crashing me by
Crashing me by
Crashing me by

MAZZY STAR

Simple Evidence

For a huge part people are frightened and only want to be loved, if you show them respect and affection, in your moves, in your gazes, in your speech then you'll be the master of their soul, this is as simple as that, display that you love everyone and everything and you'll mainly get the kind feed backs. Period.

Share honnest interest and gratitude. This is Love.

I feel like killing myself, soar through space and time, merge with books and memories, a travel with no pain, no effort, no tiresome thoughts, easy and smooth, guided on the flow by comforting, protective tumbles, endless and immortal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8GpQHS6KKw

Delirium

It's the end of a summer day at the beach, the sun melts in the ocean behind the dunes, in our backs, crossing the wood on the other side along a giant bearded man, bare feet (and shirtless, a towell as a scarf around the neck) on the skimpy path made of wooden boards, here comes a road perpendicularly and a connivent young couple in front : "I'd like her to completely forget the man she's with only by meeting my gaze" i say.

*chuckles* from my accomplice.

Depths

"Overboard watch the swirling blue water. It was deep at this point, infinitely deep, and enlivened with what appeared to be the eternal life. But the water has no fixed and determined form. Is it not because man has a fixed and determined form that he can not have eternal life? Doesn't Real life begin when the tangible form has been lost?"

"The world is always filled by the sound of waves.
The fishes who surrender to the waves can dance, sing, play but who knows the heart of the sea, a hundred feet below? Who knows its depths?"

The End; The Perfect Light - Eiji YOSHIKAWA

Sense of Clarity

I need to stay in touch, sometimes i feel i could give myself entirely, irremediably, like the girls in the ancient romantic fables, you can see who you want, you can go out, with who you want, you can share, you can touch who you want, those don't have to be judge by me, i just want to be able to sit on the moon to see you from time to time, allow me to send passionate letters, and share the subjects i discover everyday, i want to be close, and if you want me away for ever, you can send me an explicit note and i'll disapear like i never existed.

MIA

"..she was very quiet, very reserved, ultra ultra shy, the last person in the world who'll call attention to herself, and yet put a microphone in her hand, march her up on a stage and she was just magnetic."

Act now

I don't want to become bitter, my well being will be attained through acts. People with grievances always end up hurting others or themselves, this is not a path to follow, the solution to get rid of all bitterness and be more respectful toward all existence is to act now, we surely know what we have to do, we only have to ignore all that's against us, the fears, all that's negative and only listen to our inner voice, the voice of nature, speaking for our good, we shackle our own mind, we have the power to decide to act right now and free ourselves.

First step, a call, verbalizing what we want, now. Then think, use our reasoning and find a respectful way to fulfill our needs. All is possible if we decide it now, respecting everything, starting by Ourself.

If you encounter something, someone, that don't match what you are, just pass your way, search for what is good for you, always in respect of things and people.

Learn and be tolerant.

What isn't frivolous?!

Summarily :
Listening to our natural needs those who keep us alive, physically and mentally, a sane mind in an healthy body, all the rest of our interests and activities are slight and insignificant. Period.

"Cette Petite Mort"

"The band was formed in 1997 and, after years of viral self promotion, (including phoning record companies pretending to be other bands promoting Karma To Burn) were signed to Roadrunner Records in 1996. They were planning to release an entirely instrumental album, but Roadrunner stared that the contract was only valid under the condition that they hired a vocalist. After a brief trial of then Kyuss frontman John Garcia, they hired a friend of theirs Jay Jarosz. Their first album Karma To Burn was released in 1997, and despite critical acclaim, sold poorly. The band decided to sack Jarosz and as such were fired from Roadrunner. They have continued to be an instrumental band ever since."

The Key

I think i'll be scared all my life, i have to accept it, make my mind and abandon many things i'd like to experience, things i'd like to be, things i'd like to learn, i'll never reach my real potential in so many categories because the fear of the judgement, my lack of self esteem will always drag me down, physically and mentally, my body shakes, my head goes blank, i'm unable to move as swiftly as i know i can and i'm unable to think as deeply as i could when people are around, which means no one, absolutely no one will know my true abilities, my true knowledge, and because our value is so strongly based on others, i'll never be great at anything, no good, nor handsome, with all my efforts to keep my chin up in this world i'll always be this average human being in the reminiscence of people crossing my path, and i fight to stay average, and i'm tired now, i'm tired to be less than i could be if my mind wasn't fucked up, how could i gain some self confidence now, my only hope is to encounter someone who will try to see beyond the black layer of fears surrounding me, if i could feel accepted i want to believe i'll slowly drop my inhibitions to be what i really am inside, this can't be done with masses, it takes time, how many time, i don't know, maybe it depends on the person who will sincerely want to know me, i lost so much time, i could never go back, my body is rotting implacably, but i need to keep hope that someone somewhere could set me free of myself.

The Perfect Light

-"... the truth of the scholar, alone in his study, does not always match with what the mass of the world sees as the truth."

While wishing to head for
The depths of the mountains,
I'm pushed against my will
Toward places
Where people live.

an Education

------------------"I mean, ------- College and their... and their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what?

Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a little bit different? Of putting
so much pressure on kids they turn into these... these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.

You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure, and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way.

Why do we have to conform to what you want?

You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion.

Did... Did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over?
What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? was that your dream?
Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world.

Life was full of possibilities.

'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or... or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves."------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Accepted . 2006]

Uncertainty... then, Piece of Revelation on how things work

Why wanting to die and wanting affection are so much related, entangled in my mind.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
i know........................................................................................................................................................................................because i'm not worthy enough to receive love, so what is to do when i feel i need it, it just gives me the desire to harm myself, when you're low seek adrenalin and that's why so many people use cutting to cope when they have the need for affection but don't feel worthy enough to get it.


Waking up this morning i've got this clue :

My daily behavior is satisfying my needs as soon as they appear, it's living in the present, and i thought a sure way to feel relieved all along, you know yourself, you probe your needs then you fulfill it, easy, well usually easy for someone which has no excentric needs as me,.... doing this way i have to satisfy my need on the instant or one can be quickly frustrated, so theoretically it's easy to find what we need on an instant regarding the basic needs, like
eating : we have a fridge where we store food.
drinking : water through taps in every houses, easy, plus fruit juices or so in the fridge too.
exercice : i've got a basketball court at five minutes by foot from my home, or i can walk in the city it's even easier.
entertainment, knowledge, just working the brain : i've got all i like here in my room, and on internet, i have "easy access" passions.

But there's one need i can't fulfill instantly, it's everything that must come from other humans, because people have their free will, they have plans and a personal life, to see someone you have to make an appointment, it takes time and everyone has a different way of living, for example i feel i need to talk more in the evening and the middle of the night usually, even with friends, we can't burst into their house everytime we want, we have to call and set up a matching time to talk or do whatever, so clearly that's why i feel quiclky frustrated when i feel i need someone (for affection, understanding, recognition, whatever), it's not instantaneous, and i'm too much respectful i don't want to impose myself, so each time i have to cope with that need, it happens periodically, it's burning in me, i try to contain it, searching for palliatives, often i end up hating everyone, hating myself and feelin unloved, and unworthy..... in my life it's a need that has never been satisfied, i am raised and conditioned to hide that need, it's in my cells, in my mind, i'm too respectful, "i respect them so much that i completely stay away from them", so there is this only need i can't fulfill with the way i'm functioning right now, i just can't...
I'm wondering how people do, is that why they go out in clubs every week end, to rub on each others, or is that why they get married, this way as soon as they have the need for someone he's right there in front of their eyes, it's like an investment on the need of affection, you get married or live in couple so that in case you feel this natural need to be with, to speak, to share, to ... with someone you can get it pretty easily, quite instantly.

I get angry because i need more but i don't know how to get it, i falsely blame it on others, on their behaviors, but it's my lack, i miss the ability to get what i want, and the person i'd really like to share with is so far from instantaneous reach.

"....i wanted more
than life could ever grant me
bored by the chores
of saving face...."

Letters

I like my name when it's you who pronounce it, i make it sound like you do, fRANçois, and it gains softness, cotton curls caressing the tongue, it makes you closer.

One may think i'm egoistical, what i focus on is the encounter, i see closeness when things from me and things from you are gathered, like my name spoken by your mouth, it tickles my feelings.

You are with me always.

Downfall

I begin to feel lonely again, i'm gonna stick to the melancholy usuals, films, characters, books and places, and take delight in self pity, i take shelter in this virtual dismal atmosphere, i make it my own, i nest in the belief i'm misunderstood and doomed.

(two messages in a row which seem to be perfect antagonism, my mind is on a swing)

The pain disapears quicker than we think

The pain disapears quicker than we think when it's replaced by hatred.

If you let your emotions overwhelm you, that you become irrational, your pain turns into hatred, or sadness, or anger, or any destructive emotions in the purpose the cope with the feeling on the long run, it's a misplaced rationalisation (because in fact irrational and destructive), on the contrary if you think and believe that it's useless to live in the past, that all the possibilities you can imagine lie before you, to discover anew what you need to be happy, that you are free, then you'll forget easily and will concentrate on the positive there is to take in every instant.

Desperate state of mind brings freedom and eases my life

When i give up on anything i expect from others i can hate them all freely.
When i believe i could never get what i need from others, they become a useless breed, i can hate everybody and wish they're dead, it becomes legitimate, all make sense, my hate has, the problem of dealing with others gets a solution, life becomes easier.

You're not listening to me

In his prison the creature lies, curled in one dark corner, his monstrous head hidden in his arms, moaning inside, questioning his sad condition, too much tortures in this pitiful life, slowly answers arise, one goal becomes clear, he soon firmly believes what has to be done for his survival, he's gonna stand up and run to retrieve his long lost life, he learns to know himself and his determination grows stronger, he feels proud of his beliefs, this gives him strenght to fight the corrupted minions who will restlessly assault him, the journey begins at an unsteady pace, downs and lows, night sleeping on damped grass protected behind trees and bushes, a fire in a meadow to warm his bruised body and help raised his moral, he runs under the rain, on inhospitable lands, the sky above his head, matching the toughness around, the blows are roughs and frequents but somewhat he manages to keep his will sturdy as he gains knowledge, abilities along his journey, he begins to have an incoercible faith in the rightness of his deeds, with one utmost goal in mind, always going forward, this is courage!

i could cry

(credits : "opening" shadow of the beast)

Tarnation

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. For the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is."

(This is an extract i picked from a movie, and beneath is the real text)

Desiderata of Happiness
" Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.


--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

(This text was viciously snatched by some "thirsty of power" religious people, it has nothing to do with religion, i despise these attempt of brain controlling humans using this honest and truthful piece of prose)

the best possible version of yourself

"What is it? It's frustrating that you can't be with this person?
That... that there's something keeping you apart, something about this person you connect with?
And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart.
And you know that if you could just be together, that this person will help you become the best possible version of yourself."

(Dan in real life)

a place to feel one and complete

I'm drained, i put so much pressure on me in all i do around others, a simple day eating outside then creating with musicians sucks dry all my energy, i have nothing left for anyone whose ask me to "stand for", hardly for me to keep my moral in equilibrium above the ravine of doubts and downs, the engulfing mud, hardly enough to bear my constantly rushing sadly wise thoughts, how could i pass more than few hours deprived of the security of my shelter, i'm endlessly battling when i'm outside, confronting the glares, turning into a rock against what is not for me, survive, but slowly wasting strenght, i'm made this way, i'm made to lay down and whatever, anything to forget all that i'm not, all that i can't have, all where i'm not fine, i want to forget myself, where is that state of neverending rest, i'm made to be forgotten.

All i share is part of one big story, the story of my life, all has sense and all is linked, surely it is the after effect of my recent nights off, if i'm this frail how could i travel, how could i survive without a vault to hide in.

Life thanks to communications

Humans need communications, not necessarily with other humans, it can be with nature, like growing plants and flowers in a garden, or it can be through imagination, by personifying things around, which can be seen as a piece of madness but in reality will be done to prevent the person from feeling constantly bad, communication can be established with objects and nature as well as with fellow humans, the purpose is to feel acknowledged, existing, simply gathering pleasant feelings to continue to live, it's a natural process for the perennity, preservation, duration of life.

ethereal

Today i'm excited because a new adventure begins, though i won't move an inch, i'll wear my eyes staring at flashy colors, running my imagination along unrealistic outlines, hearing someone i could never see, hidden and comfy,... my head is an infinite terrain that protects me from the burns and scratches of reality, i only feel fine when i'm detached and omniscient.

Farewell and Goodnight

"I wanted to speak but i'm too anxious to think and talk live to the camera, so i'm gonna read something

I was watching the film you mentioned in your last message, titled goodnight mother, and it stirred my feelings, i got angry at the main character, she lets herself being used, she is responsible for her own happiness and she gives up that easily, i haven't finished watching it yet but i felt i needed to clear something, for me, for you, she could have just leave this house and her smothering mother, i guess she could know what is missing in her life and just reach for it, even if it requires to leave, then i thought about my own situation, how i feel stuck the same way, and i always have a good reason, it's like i'm angry at the character of jessie for given up but i do exactly the same, i stay hidden in my space, i don't have the right to be angry at her or i should also kill myself, because i'm an hypocrite right now, i have locked myself in my own body and convinced me that the way i'm seeing me is the right way, that it's an ultimate truth for everyone, and that gives me the best of any reasons to stay away from life, i feel so stuck and limited in my body, can't you see Olia that i'm not fine, it's obnoxious but here's a list of things i hate in me, i shaved today, i don't like to shave because it reveals the dents and holes on my cheeks, my skin is too fragile on that creepy angular face, this is ugly, then see i'm losing my hair, it's thin and sparse, fuzy and dry, while i have too many hairs on my limbs, that's unfair, i can't stand it, oh and see those dumb, crappy glasses, because yeah living in a box my vision gets worse and worse, the only thing i have for me actually is that i'm not fat, if one day i see me as fat i think i will become mad

so and why do i want to please, why?, because society tells us that we have to be beautifully stereotyped to be successful?, i say so often that i don't need others but i still feel horrible around people, this truth on myself that i built produces anxiety and prevent me to move. sorry for that."

Now you saw and you have the proof that i can be truly ugly!

Coiled in a square

I never write something i don't know or i don't see, i know my own functioning, the references behind all i think, the path leading to my outlets, i know it all, it is real for me, easy and understandable, i'm going with what i am but i'm not omniscient, there are lots of things i don't see, i don't know, i'm much aware of my limits, this is frustrating. Though i have the grasp i'm not a good judge of myself, what is to believe now.

Get what you deserve, the story of a boy

There is a contained hatred
If this dog bite off the fingers of my hand
Siping away my joy, my lead
Give birth to my angular face,
Everywhere pits and madness
I'll strangle the woman,
Curse the boy with glares,
Infuriate, the landscape closing on me
with no thread to hold, a car will cut my rush,
I'll do it, i'll reach my burst
As my hope grows thin and my hate bloats
If those kids see it, and everyone consents
In the streets they sure mock me
Them sharp,

Me sick,

and i go barefoot on a road of pins.

My core is my master

Confidence makes the difference, stay in my corner, stand still against the laughters, losing the habit of crying aloud apologizes, i choose i'll never act against my will, i have the ability to hear the whispers of the core of myself, telling me what is good, what is sane, guiding me, i'm aware, and i know humans influence each others by their sole presence, i have the power to discard this trickery, i can be me and i can choose with whoever i want to share it, i'm able to recognize what is informations speaking by others, i process and incorporate, or reject if after researchs those are falsified elements, their judgments aren't for me, it's their unique property, if i decide it no humans will ever overshadow me, because what they say i make mine, i sort out, i ward off, i anihilate or throw back, my source of actions is clear to me, my goal, my reach, in theory i know how to act purely, i don't need them, i know how to stride for my ideals and needs, be true to me is what my core says, i'm convinced everyone can choose his master, the one to dictate his own moves, i'm not a fool, i choose to hear Myself. Believe in it is boundless confidence.

Antisocial

I'll never be a social being, the mass has no value to me, only an individual, i need to know in a conversation that someone is totally concentrated on what i have to give, what i have to say, and reply without being parasitized by different sources of attention in the vicinity, i need to feel fully listened, i need to feel a complete sincerity emanating from the person i'm communicating, i won't raise my voice to shout louder than the other animals in the backyard, i shouldn't have to raise my voice if people truly want to know my opinions, my truth, they'll ask, so if they don't want to know no need to impose and bump elbows just to have the fake impression of existing in a group of harldy known people; Around strangers it's a fight to exist; Around friendS it's glorifying the same references, ideas and knowledge and sometimes let's agree on a fair debate to build a better view toward the truth of one subject.
I'll be null around strangers,
I'll be awkward around friends,
And i'm sure...
I'm sure,
I reach my potential with one!
It's my only way to thrive in a social situation, give my all to one; Take it or leave it!

Me and your peers

Interpretation of an encounter turning into confrontation :

"What is being young, compared to you i'm old but compared to your mom i'm young, think farther if you can, all is relative, it's a perception and self description matter!! If being young is wearing flashy trendy overrated and over expensive clothes, talking futile subjects, gathering in entertainment places to lose yourself, let the master Money takes you to oblivion and pretending all that to be cool, then no, definitely i'm not young. Yet i have more imagination than you'll ever have and i'll never lose what is "youth" to me because i'm not a product, i don't hide behind a fake imagery to reassure myself about a boring future thoughout the common life. You'll lose your youth as you define it and you'll end up with only bitter souvenirs and your withered faded eyes to cry, it will come fast, poor you, and i won't help you work your mind to see beyond when you'll beg for a savior."


biblical comparisons :

-youth way of life is a road to perdition

-master Money is the "passeur", the skeleton ferryman taking you in his craft right to hell.

-the savior... will be your psy ah ah ah! you're doomed and will definitely roast in hellish pain.

(I couldn't resist to add this for the psy comparison ah ah ah! i'm creating my own fun here, with irony.)