I'm on msn, writing my thoughts to that girl, Chloé she's called, it's a nonchalant discussion, i'm lying on my side, reading the text that pops up on my white screen and typing back, i can imagine her wiggling on her chair, sparkles in her smart eyes and a smile under that strange nose, i only saw her a couple of times in real life and the questions "how i got her msn?, and why am i chatting so casually with her?" swiftly cross my mind, but whatever i like that i feel a link between us, i kept in mind from the few meetings that she's dating a guy and that she's younger than me, hence the impetuous temper, but deeply anchored in goodness... my impression; i see images, in a flash, of a game we played in a field of bulged green grass, with all the group, in that short moment we spent together i had noticed she has something different, an aura of intelligence and sympathy, i'm sure she is sanely a good person, at heart;
So, we are chattering, she teases me sometimes on the straightness of my assumptions, i claim being tolerant but i put people in boxes with labels, all coated with my bitterness, she teases, she plays and i assume we both smile; suddenly, because of my bad position i lay my fingers randomly on the keyboard, on one of those pre-recorded keys that display an entire phrase, i typed : "i love you", a mistake my mind cries, something forbidden, i didn't want to cut the conversation with those serious words, quick i'm trying to explain, my hand slipped i didn't mean that, but i keep doing errors while typing, i can't get a correct sentence, i'm getting annoyed, i stand my bust straight in front of the computer, but no mean i'm still too nervous to type a decent line of apologies, i can't clear it up, and my heartbeats race as i see she's commenting that last line of mine, i'm ashamed that my unconscious revealed itself and now she knows and will go away, this link will be too demanding to preserve, we come from two different worlds; i read she teases me again, saying "and another stereotyped expression by François", but i can still feel the smile behind that reproach, i'm panicking but she hasn't changed the way she is at all, did she know i was under a spell, she seems so sure of herself, and what i remember is her acceptance smile.
Time to awake, like a nightmare will do.
What if she had not commented in response to that phrase? Would you feel nervous still, because your subconscious revealed himself and you have nothing to hide. Do you have to hide to be comfortable with someone?
RépondreSupprimerWhat if she had said the same in return? What scares you the most, the criticism she did or if she had said she felt the same?
Maybe she loved you too, but hid herself by making sarcastic response.
In this story i feel nervous immediately after the phrase was sent, so the nervousness wasn't related to her response but to that awkward disclosing, because my reasonning mind firstly starts on the fact that i can't have a positive answer regarding affection, it's like i fail in advance, when the unconscious plays that trick, the fear of being rejected appears, and i imperatively don't want to know what someone thinks of me; in that example i'm not hiding anything, i'm frank because as i said my reasoning mind already settled that any feeling i can have toward someone is one sided and hopeless.
RépondreSupprimerWhat's scary to me is the prediction of a criticism that always comes first in my mind considering the relation to others, so the fear of the interpretation of my own mind, this sounds really schizophrenic, finally her actual response doesn't matter much.
No one can be as casual as she was about love, in that story she was just being respectful of what could be my feelings.