mardi 6 avril 2010
The Key
I think i'll be scared all my life, i have to accept it, make my mind and abandon many things i'd like to experience, things i'd like to be, things i'd like to learn, i'll never reach my real potential in so many categories because the fear of the judgement, my lack of self esteem will always drag me down, physically and mentally, my body shakes, my head goes blank, i'm unable to move as swiftly as i know i can and i'm unable to think as deeply as i could when people are around, which means no one, absolutely no one will know my true abilities, my true knowledge, and because our value is so strongly based on others, i'll never be great at anything, no good, nor handsome, with all my efforts to keep my chin up in this world i'll always be this average human being in the reminiscence of people crossing my path, and i fight to stay average, and i'm tired now, i'm tired to be less than i could be if my mind wasn't fucked up, how could i gain some self confidence now, my only hope is to encounter someone who will try to see beyond the black layer of fears surrounding me, if i could feel accepted i want to believe i'll slowly drop my inhibitions to be what i really am inside, this can't be done with masses, it takes time, how many time, i don't know, maybe it depends on the person who will sincerely want to know me, i lost so much time, i could never go back, my body is rotting implacably, but i need to keep hope that someone somewhere could set me free of myself.
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You know yourself, you know yourself better than anyone could know you. You know yourself better than anyone I can think of, you're completely aware of everything others keep unconscious.
RépondreSupprimerYou're affected by society just like everyone else. It influences your thinking to lead to comparing, to judging, to labeling "good" and "bad" or "success" and "failure" or "winner" and "loser" or "beautiful" and "ugly" or "strong" and "weak" ...
I think, there is no average because deep down we all have the same needs. Some of us sense it more than others, it all depends on our sensitivity.
It is never too late. I believe, it is never too late to learn to love who you are. You are an exceptional human being, you must love yourself for who you are. Whatever time it takes you. Whatever time it takes all of us.
So many people in this world spend their lives surrounded with people because they are so afraid of themselves, because they don't really know who they are, they don't want to see, they don't want to know because deep down we are all alone in our bubble.
So often in my life I view myself as a "work in progress" as if I'm some sort of product getting tweaked for the display. And I say, don't bother with it. I am who I am, I'm changing every day, I'm already the best I can be simply because I exist. And I think you know who you are, there's no "bad" in you. You're mind is not fucked up, like you say. You are free. You need to accept your needs, search for what you need, and love yourself enough to face the world.
I am so moved by your writing, I responded so quick while my thoughts are racing and I didn't notice my grammatical mistakes.
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