Why wanting to die and wanting affection are so much related, entangled in my mind.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
i know........................................................................................................................................................................................because i'm not worthy enough to receive love, so what is to do when i feel i need it, it just gives me the desire to harm myself, when you're low seek adrenalin and that's why so many people use cutting to cope when they have the need for affection but don't feel worthy enough to get it.
Waking up this morning i've got this clue :
My daily behavior is satisfying my needs as soon as they appear, it's living in the present, and i thought a sure way to feel relieved all along, you know yourself, you probe your needs then you fulfill it, easy, well usually easy for someone which has no excentric needs as me,.... doing this way i have to satisfy my need on the instant or one can be quickly frustrated, so theoretically it's easy to find what we need on an instant regarding the basic needs, like
eating : we have a fridge where we store food.
drinking : water through taps in every houses, easy, plus fruit juices or so in the fridge too.
exercice : i've got a basketball court at five minutes by foot from my home, or i can walk in the city it's even easier.
entertainment, knowledge, just working the brain : i've got all i like here in my room, and on internet, i have "easy access" passions.
But there's one need i can't fulfill instantly, it's everything that must come from other humans, because people have their free will, they have plans and a personal life, to see someone you have to make an appointment, it takes time and everyone has a different way of living, for example i feel i need to talk more in the evening and the middle of the night usually, even with friends, we can't burst into their house everytime we want, we have to call and set up a matching time to talk or do whatever, so clearly that's why i feel quiclky frustrated when i feel i need someone (for affection, understanding, recognition, whatever), it's not instantaneous, and i'm too much respectful i don't want to impose myself, so each time i have to cope with that need, it happens periodically, it's burning in me, i try to contain it, searching for palliatives, often i end up hating everyone, hating myself and feelin unloved, and unworthy..... in my life it's a need that has never been satisfied, i am raised and conditioned to hide that need, it's in my cells, in my mind, i'm too respectful, "i respect them so much that i completely stay away from them", so there is this only need i can't fulfill with the way i'm functioning right now, i just can't...
I'm wondering how people do, is that why they go out in clubs every week end, to rub on each others, or is that why they get married, this way as soon as they have the need for someone he's right there in front of their eyes, it's like an investment on the need of affection, you get married or live in couple so that in case you feel this natural need to be with, to speak, to share, to ... with someone you can get it pretty easily, quite instantly.
I get angry because i need more but i don't know how to get it, i falsely blame it on others, on their behaviors, but it's my lack, i miss the ability to get what i want, and the person i'd really like to share with is so far from instantaneous reach.
"....i wanted more
than life could ever grant me
bored by the chores
of saving face...."
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