Farewell and Goodnight

"I wanted to speak but i'm too anxious to think and talk live to the camera, so i'm gonna read something

I was watching the film you mentioned in your last message, titled goodnight mother, and it stirred my feelings, i got angry at the main character, she lets herself being used, she is responsible for her own happiness and she gives up that easily, i haven't finished watching it yet but i felt i needed to clear something, for me, for you, she could have just leave this house and her smothering mother, i guess she could know what is missing in her life and just reach for it, even if it requires to leave, then i thought about my own situation, how i feel stuck the same way, and i always have a good reason, it's like i'm angry at the character of jessie for given up but i do exactly the same, i stay hidden in my space, i don't have the right to be angry at her or i should also kill myself, because i'm an hypocrite right now, i have locked myself in my own body and convinced me that the way i'm seeing me is the right way, that it's an ultimate truth for everyone, and that gives me the best of any reasons to stay away from life, i feel so stuck and limited in my body, can't you see Olia that i'm not fine, it's obnoxious but here's a list of things i hate in me, i shaved today, i don't like to shave because it reveals the dents and holes on my cheeks, my skin is too fragile on that creepy angular face, this is ugly, then see i'm losing my hair, it's thin and sparse, fuzy and dry, while i have too many hairs on my limbs, that's unfair, i can't stand it, oh and see those dumb, crappy glasses, because yeah living in a box my vision gets worse and worse, the only thing i have for me actually is that i'm not fat, if one day i see me as fat i think i will become mad

so and why do i want to please, why?, because society tells us that we have to be beautifully stereotyped to be successful?, i say so often that i don't need others but i still feel horrible around people, this truth on myself that i built produces anxiety and prevent me to move. sorry for that."

Now you saw and you have the proof that i can be truly ugly!