Better being alive in the pit of hell

I'm here to talk about me, what else, all i sense is a projection of myself, people and situations, facts and ideas, everyone live in his very own and unique paradigm; so what phase am i in currently? There's a change, right now i can tell, i'm unkind, i seek for the impur, even in my dreams, i play everyday the wicked, the amorality of all the torturous deeds i'm confronted to, just doesn't reach me, i'm insensitive to kindness, i'm sick of mellow speeches and imagery, it's all dainty and reclusive, all i don't want to be at that moment, i built my skin as strong and dark as onyx, to protect myself from the recurring darts of this vicious civilization, to live amongs the scorpions you have to harden your shell as long as your soul, i'm not imitating anyone, but my thoughts are full of wild rides, lascivious creatures, punches in the face, insults and grinding noises, all that is discordant, perverted, savage, maybe i wish for the life on the line, i'm tired to be a victim, tired to wait in vain, nothing lenient enough will gonna pull you out of this pond of tar; Why wanting to be soft and respectful when one is convinced that his life will pass stuck in a degrading moldy state, one in the other like russian dolls, the consciousness suffering in the rotting fleshly enveloppe, also trapped between the four walls of a shelter i'm sure i won't leave, ever; So again why being nice, for who, for what, there's nothing here that gives me the envy to be tuned, to get my part, and be one with both or one of the systems, the natural one and the societal one, there's no need to be worthy of actions and thoughts, if i have to live like i do now, till the end, there's no higher goal, and no reward, everyone has the same ending, peace has the face of death, obviously being respectful and sensitive only cause your environement hence to crush you plainly, or worst, to squeeze out all the good you can give then drop you there scrawny and mentally miserable; Yeah my point for that long note is that i can't be weak those days or i get sick of myself, so i prefer to despise the goodness instead, to protect my integrity, my legitimacy to continue to live, don't talk to me mildly, don't try to lull my vigilance, to bore me to death, to turn me into a smooth wimp, what i do those days, the usual, i want it straight and gory, i want no manners, no sweet talks, i get angry to the victims accepting their wretched fate, i fear like the plague to be of that kind, if i can find strenght into directness and vulgarity, then fine, anything to make me strong and bear the shitty way of life, tempting, caressing, appealing, waiting ahead of me.