"Il me parut que le meilleur et plus sûr moyen de repandre autour de soi le bonheur était d'en donner soi même l'image, et je résolus d'être heureux."

André Gide, les nourritures terrestres

"It appeared to me that the best and safest way to spread happiness around oneself was to display this image oneself, and i decided to be happy."

André Gide, Fruits of the Earth

Here is something that i thought was funny, this candid interview with that guy that i knew very well to be a Hard-Rocker, a talented musician which i greatly enjoy the Art.
I wonder why he accepted to be interviewed by that little girl, he replies so honestly to the childish questions, that gives him a non-pretentious, non-serious, down to earth image, qualities that i certainly like in people.

To contrast here is to me what this guy, Neil FALLON, and his band "CLUTCH" can be,
BooM!!!

Theory try

Point de conditionnement : La beauté que l'on voit chez les autres est en reflet de ce que l'on pense de soi même.

Trait of conditioning : The beauty we see in others is a reflect of what we think of ourselves.


For example, my sister gives much importance to the face of the guys, particularly the eyes, she likes colored eyes, because that's a point she likes in herself too, her green eyes being obviously a seductive asset for her, but she's not too much concerned about the size of the body (well in reasonable proportion, my sister is very tough and difficult about others' appearance, just because she's probably greatly insecure in herself), because she's insecure with her body, being conscious that she doesn't have the silhouette displayed in magazines (though being very well proportioned), i think that's why she jumps on my case very often to say that i'm too slender, my body makes her self conscious of the size of her own body, which like i said she's not so much confident with, so she discredits what could be seen as fit and a norm of beauty just to reassure herself.

I myself for example like thin bodies because that's something i like in me first (for reasons i can explain about not over consuming anything as a core value), then also i like colored eyes on others because that's something i don't like in me, the color of my eyes being the plain and widespread brownish one, and i prefer originality above commonplace perceptions.

So about beauty everything that we assess is probably projected on us first, but rememeber that it's the mind, the thought, the ego, controlling that harsh conditioning, and a way to live out of thoughts is possible, to be much happier and more respectful, and see beauty everywhere without it burdening our own sense of self.

Not a fool

"Come on Mr Psychiatrist, you know very well that psychoactive drugs are useless, it never solves any problems, it's like putting deodorant on a bad smell, it doesn't heal nobody to the core, if you prescribe it, it's only because it's part of the system, it makes the big machine society works, it brings money to the already rich leaders, and it justifies those who take it to the eyes of the authorities that they are troublesome people that need to be watched over, maybe have some privileges, like taking a day out from work all suddenly, they are fragile and unreliable, so to make the best of that probable loss of money, society sells them tons of mind-numbing pills, and everyone should be happy, this is just a big corporate scam, Mr Psychiatrist."

All reversed, the trick of physical

I fell in so many relational traps these past years,
it's all reversed,
you follow a lead, innocently, thinking : "ok i'm going to be respectful",
share and spend time with that person who seems to be interested in you, though you know from the start, from observations, quick analysis and perceptions, that the both of you obviously don't have the same lifestyle, the same expectations, the same mentality, the same tastes, you even know there's no physical attraction on your side, but the other is kind of stalking you, softly insistent,
(and it's gratifying for someone with a low self esteem like me,)
so for her there must be something in you that makes her want to know more, and you don't reject her, again in that idea of being respectful,
so she continues to slither around,
nicely,
that's only your own fault, poor girl that you are leading astray without even realizing it, because all you want is being respectful and give the other a chance...
give yourself a chance, to feel something, to taste a piece of a happy moment, maybe at last something real.

I must trust my instinct, because i'm a good analyzer, i know so much what i'm attracted to, i tricked myself and those persons, (those girls, because with boys that dimension of attraction doesn't exist, it's easier to be pals)
only because i don't want to do to them what i don't want to be done to me, that is to be rejected.
But in the end i feel abused, here how it goes :

So, you spend this time, and when you talk, when you share, you are real, completely yourself, you keep no secret, you express your opinions, you are focused on the other, and that way the communication is always good, though you see the limits of what is matching, so you share only what can be shared not to be boring, until comes that pressing need, but not in you, the other is pressing, oh so quickly, no time to breathe in a relationship,
it's all reversed in me,
they are women and they are the ones pressing to get things on the physical level, i'm always caught by surprise at first, in those cases i knew from the start this is so much not what i wanted, why spoiling a sane relation, but it's my fault because i knew from the start i didn't want to go on that terrain with them, my values are to build something strong and it never goes through the physical first,
or only something sensual and romantic, that's how i am,
i don't understand why even women are so eager to offer themselves all so intimately, here it wasn't kissing and groping, it was all the way, every night,
so,
do they imagine that's how it must be to keep a man close to them?
offering him sex!,
damn this could never work with me, and it embarassed me, every night, me who only wanted a deep connection, and a real love.
I will know when i feel that deep attraction that will lead things out there, but nakedness is the last thing to consider if you want to forge a strong connection with someone.
I'm thinking, usually it's women that are abused like this by men, i need to trust my instinct, then guess what to do with my self knowledge, and find people who think before acting and who know why they act, why they come to me, come to me for themselves and with the idea to be real and create a real bond, i long for a real durable bond, i will give everything.

Utopia

Pour moi l'amour ne passe pas par le physique.
le respect, l'acceptation est amour
et tout ce dont j'ai besoin c'est d'amour.
Pour le physique il n'y en aura qu'une,
une qui regroupera tout ça à la fois.

For me love doesn't go through the physical.
Respect, acceptance is love
and all i need is love.
For the physical there will only be one,
one who will be all this at once.

There's one connection to fix, it is with myself.

who's to hate

This is shit! because i'm crying
Why do you sing, get out of my sight, i hate you
i hate you all
you swagger with your pretty voice, you nod your head
why that has to be so pretty, a round face with clean cheeks
not a blush, but a cheeky smile
everything is combed so neatly
the fold of a dress, the glaze of the hair
the adventurous look and your trousers so hype
you, and you, and you
boys and girls
your games, your attitudes,
your properness makes me want to puke
the talent you display, the congratulations
how is it heavenly possible
you jump so high, swollen muscles
you overcome, you cut through
you touch
and shoot an arrow in my chest
i'm horrified, ignored,
at least eat my carcass, drink my blood
don't leave me to rot, notice my admiration
offer me a dance, a slap, so i can hate you more
despise you, and dream of murder,
murder me
i'm petrified, i look down, to the stains on my boots
give high five to those of your clan,
shout, intoxicate, pleasure
take it, take it, cram yourself with it
choke on it
my eyes are set on you
i can't help to hide and watch
hypnotized, i'm weakened
by the beauty, and the stupidity
and i hate,
i hate to love you
admired ones.

And i hate you for not loving me.

that's what happens when i miss someone to love me, i replace love by hatred.
is that serious?! honestly, can it be?

(this is just a text, i'm being despicable sometimes and dullness is a bore)

Don't run after something that is not in you.

don't create separation through the ever unimportant knowledge

Knowledge, general, personal knowledge, is nothing more than data used by humans to tell stories when they meet, it's not a symbol of worth to differenciate human beings, one source of knowledge is never better than another, someone who plays video games all day will gather informations to tell stories, as well as someone watching the news all day, or someone studying ancient egypt all day, it's negative and untrue to try to put a judgment of worth on all the different forms of knowledge humans can store in their brains, no story is better than another, and a story is nothing more than a story, a mental projection, only made to stir and entertain, it can never be serious, it is just what it is, accept it, so the proper and conscious behavior a human can have is to be open and respectful, in order to be able to hear all the different stories people want to share, with amazement and interest, from that presence, set in the being of each, is born a bond between all humans, and love and entertainment is passed on, a careful and kind atmosphere is created, the important thing is to be, live and let live, life is not a competition, the ego in us wrongly compares because its weak and fearful of dying, life is unity and lightness.

Simple Psychology

People who criticize a lot, probably brood on a complex of inferiority.

Don't you expect Bad

"Pourquoi me regardez vous avec défiance, ne pouvez vous pas apprivoiser vos cœurs, et vous livrer, serein. Et toi quand tu partages, c'est toujours un élan passionné, comme si t'ouvrir était douloureux, et que tu doives meurtrir ta chair pour provoquer cette impulsion, comme résultat ces envolées peuvent être aussi bien positive que négative, ce qui laisse ton interlocuteur peureux de tes réactions dans un débat d'opinions, ou tout ce qui est trop personnel devient danger dans votre pauvre esprit bousculé."

"Why are you watching me with distrust, can't you tame your hearts, and deliver yourselves, serene.
And you when you share, it's always a passionate burst, as if opening yourself was painful, and that you must bruise your flesh to provoke this impulsion, as a result these sudden rises can be as well positive and loveful or negative and confrontational, which leaves your interlocutor fearful of your reactions in an exchange of views, where everything that is taken too personally becomes danger in your poor boggled minds."

Lay down, trust, and don't judge, no one here wants to harm you.

Bloody Pornography

Something to be disgusted of the animality in us, which controls sexual drives, the primal instinct, because i can also share pure hell, i'm watching at it, i'm studying it, i'm not affraid, and sex never creates a deep connection between two persons, it is produced by that filthy impulse, to which some succumb easier than others, and if you believe in the romantic link of the act between those two persons loving each others, like most women would want to, get real and notice that the act itself is only and nothing more than a drive, and what brings you to surrender yourself is the trust that you put primarily in yourself then in the other, so anyone can manipulate anyone to satisfy an ever new born drive, it can never make a deep connection, a deep sharing, it's only a momentary game of primal desires, oh so quickly passed. So build your relationships on this at your own risks (to be bored soon, or discover that you are crudely used), you are warned. And if you decide to watch the movie, then "Good Luck" not to throw up, or kill yourself afterwards.

A Serbian Film
(and don't think i got that analysis only by watching this horror, i've also got more realistic references, and i'm sorry if you are easily shocked)

Early years, youth trip (trip has two meanings)

I took that trip to the north, there was a rock festival, and that girl i wanted to meet, we were sharing that love for poetry on the internet, she said
"Come meet me at the last stop of the shuttles."
Trains, then a car, with my backpack, way up north.
I'm wandering in that harbour town, the sun is setting, frozen drops of rain are falling on the pier,
i'm searching, kind of lost, not knowing where to look at,
it's beautiful,
and dreadful,
the sky is grey and i'm drifting, where is she, time passes, a last sun ray pierces through the clouds to illuminate for a second the crescent sand beach, i leave to the actual place of the festival.
A set of huge patches of land cut by dirt pathes, far away from the city, far away from the first farm, it's slightly raining, it's late, and i notice, furtively, right before entering the domain, between rows of cars parked in a field, there's a sign with the word : "SHUTTLES" black on white, with a black frame.
So, that was here!
I know it's too late, even if she had waited under the rain for one hour
(which she did)
I paid my ticket, i leaned over the crowd, i let myself swing, in the waves of flesh and sweat, until the end of the night, i wore myself, and that band was playing, and she was here, somewhere, in that confusion of haze and mud, maybe so close, whispering "my sweet prince".
This is the story of a missed act, the chapter is over, close the book, the moon has shattered in the clinking of wine bottles and the eerie sound of moaning and electric guitares.

You want to know what i perceive when you say to us every week end :

"Cette semaine on s'est fait dépouiller au magazin."("This week at the store we were stripped bare."), with that verve in your voice, like it's almost grudge.

I want to say, this is part of the job, you work in a video game store, people come and go buying video games, some days there's not so many, some other days it's an endless rush, if you can't bear it then don't do that job, if you are affraid of people, if you are affraid to smile, just change it.
I understand you want to be reassured, that someone says : "Poor you, but you are doing an amazing job.", because it's difficult for you, talking to people, going before them to give them informations or inquire for what they are searching for, i know you, i know your self trust, your self esteem is low and easy to trigger, it's a challenge because you doubt yourself, and you fear that someone could jump on your case if you don't act or don't look like the customer wants, sometimes they are violent, but there's nothing i can do, you act for yourself, again if you can't bear it just don't do it, go away, it's not my choice, if it's such a distress for you, i can't pity you, but sure man, sure, i'm impressed, i am, you go there, and you're holding on, you do the job and it's lasting, you take the blow, you get out the rush, it comes and goes and you're alive, everyday, so in that sense it's a victory, you're a victor everyday, but that's for you to take it, i'm not in your shoes, be positive, be grateful that you are strong and living every day.

You want something out of me that i can't give, unconsciously, you must take responsibility, i will be there, i'll continue to meet you whatever the choice, whatever you do.

Depth in miniature, and a try at a new ability

(i hope that woman doesn't mind that i share here one of her videos, i actually like her a lot, she sounds kind and friendly, and i enjoy her close filmed tutorials)

Around seventeen minutes :

"To inspire yourself to paint is just quite easy, just grab your brush and start to paint, that is actually the only thing you have to do, start to paint... ...pack away all your stuff in one big box, and just grab one miniature, only one, and start to paint it, that's the only thing you have to do, each journey begins with a first step, and don't be affraid that you're not that good (at first) as any brilliant painter... ...don't fear that stage, just practice makes a good painter."

I was watching that video this morning, and some common words she spoke, stroke me as a deep inspirational truth, it sounds so casual, but here in a video about painting miniatures we can find some great words of wisdom, that can be applied to anything you want to do, to try, to start, all start by daring placing a first step, this is just so true.
I started painting miniatures because it was a present from two friends, they offered me a box of those (it's a long time they are into this and i was just watching from afar), it's an expensive hobby, that i wouldn't be able to support, and again the background of these is sci-fi so my mind doesn't take it seriously, but i dived into it, into the handwork, trying to forge a talent for painting, out of respect i wanted to do my best, i watched and watched hours of theory, and even if shaky at first i launched myself into taking a brush and paint, it is very time consuming, for now it takes three or four hours to me to paint one character, but though it seems a geeky passtime from afar, that activity has some great unsuspected traits, you have to watch the miniature carefully, under every angle, you mount it, and you get slowly acquainted to it, you get to know every detail, every crack, every recess, one character starts to have a personality, a temper, for you, it becomes intimate, personal, as you get to choose the colors and the different parts (like guns and tools) that will give him his attitude in the end, you place the shadows and the light, on the armor, on the skin, then the choice of color is important, for it to be well assorted and pretty, and at that step i spend quite a long time, rotating the figurine in my hand and imagining, assembling paterns in my mind with different colors trying to find an homogenous look for it, it's a lot like painting a canvas, you have to decide were you want the eyes of the viewer to wander on your work, what you want to pop out on your miniature, all this makes it complex, and finally highly intellectual, even kind of emotional, well that's how i sense it and i like it that way.

voices of a distant star

I've got that friend which is drawn into sci-fi and mecha(s) (giant robots), he mentioned he was searching for that short animation film that i found and watched tonight : Voices of a Distant star.
I realized while chatting with him this afternoon why i couldn't believe in the fantasy of sci-fi, in movies, books, comic strips, or whatever...
the technology depicted in those are simply unreachable for me, it can never ever exist, never ever be realizable one day, for me it's impossible, for one simple rule : the impossibility of having this much energy.
Everything that is shown in sci-fi : teleportation, tractive-beams, hyperspace travels, considering the rules of physics from that universe will require an energy that we don't have and that we can't master, maybe we can already pull one atom at the expense of huge energy but moving a whole spaceship or simply a car thanks to a tractive-beam is inconceivable for me, and even if we probably haven't found all the interactions of matter, the reactions, some phenomenon that are still unexplained, some unknown rules of physics, this won't erase the fact that an extraordinary amount of energy is required, so unless we find a miraculously strong and abundant source of energy somewhere (and i think we mainly rummaged the whole planet by now) it is definitely impossible to realize those sci-fi feats, but i'm far from an expert and this is only my opinion;
What i wanted to point out is that because for me what is displayed in those shows is clearly unrealizable then it has no depth value, it's only entertainment and not something that i can take and store as a truth in my brain, and because i am highly interested in the explanations of the actual reality i tend to skip the sci-fi craziness and consider it as funny but unreliable.

This brings me back to that short film, full of sci-fi nonsense and giant robots, but there's something that caught me in it, the beauty of two persons who decide they will love each other no matter the obstacles, the distance, even defying physical time, there's something soft and melancholy, some piano notes, so light that we hardly hear it, in the end it is cheesy, and surely the point of view of a romantic male, but why not tonight, let's drift in space and open our hearts to indestructible love.

http://www.veoh.com/watch/v632651BKHPaN6M?h1=Voices+Of+A+Distant+Star

And a melody to lull you into that dream : voices 
(i picked one here but really many tracks are very touching for me)

Bonus screenshots that i found interesting to link all this to reality.

Basketball stories, kuroko no basket (world of forms)

I like basketball for a long time now, i play more or less for sixteen or seventeen years at least, it's a complex sport, and you can read the personalities of the guys while watching them play, you notice at once the intelligent ones, those who understand the mechanisms of the game, usually they're not the big guys, but the point guards, the ball handlers;

If you want to be successful you must not be shy, the psychological part is very important in sports, and i think basketball is one of the most complete sports, you must have athletic skills, social skills, and intelligence, it's like a school of life, and that's strange i picked that game to be fond of, because i'm everything except confident, and sociable, it's a huge challenge for me to play it with others, i'm usually discrete on the court, i do the shadow work, i defend, i rebound, i pass the ball, if i wasn't so athletic maybe i will be useless, my introverted personality doesn't fit in a basketball team, i know deep inside i'm better than what i show, but unless i achieve letting myself be, and dare, and attack, i will always be that awkward and weird but friendly guy, capable of some incredible sparks of creativity, but too easily impressed.

Still i like that game and i do what i can with what i am on that moment, yesterday i went to play, unconsciously i didn't dress like it, i was wearing jeans and my big boots (though i had bought nice and expensive basketball sneakers recently, i guess because it is so clean and bright i didn't want that people notice me miles away wearing those white shiny shoes), so as always some players proposed me to play a game or two or three, and timidly i accepted, i'm thrilled to be able to prove my worth one day, but obviously i put myself a handicap with the way i was dressed, soon enough my feet were bleeding and hurting a lot, i couldn't defend with my usual intensity, still we won, but i think i used that as an excuse, unconsciously, if ever someone will score on me i had that excuse that i had heavy blisters on my feet, i know it's stupid i should accept to lose sometimes, to be beaten by someone better than me at anything, doing my best but humbly accepting that there is always better than me, and that it doesn't make me less worthy, my being (like every being) is already complete, perfect, and if in the "world of doing" i can have a lack of skill, then whatever as long as i accept my talent level at that moment and to be the best i can, respectfully.

I just finished watching that series : Kuroko no Basuke (season one), my brother talked to me about it, at last he is sharing something with me, and i enjoyed it, the slice of life style, the epicness, totally unrealistic, the guys have an entire conversation while in mid air, but it's just fun for me, i can enjoy the world of forms and i want to share more of the things i check, maybe you'll discover things you can enjoy too.