hard to know oneself

we are all build on traumas and pleasures,
the experiences in our lives
our feelings developped through traumas and pleasures;
if following the feelings born from pleasures makes us seek the good up to us
following the feelings born from traumas can be devious, unhealthy, painful
for one and others
but it's very difficult to tell the difference
as sometimes we learn to feel pleasures through traumas

I always said, i hate work, i don't want to be a slave like the others, i realize that it's not my choice, i just can't work because something is frightening me, so my mind created that reasoning to convince me it was conscious, that it was my choice, to preserve my sanity, my integrity, but it's not, i'm driven by my fears, i deceived myself, and now that way of living is only worries for me and those who care like my parents.
So to be able to live, with that fear deep inside, my mind found a devious explanation, which is not my truth, this is not what i want to do, i'm not peaceful and thriving, if i wasn't affraid i would have found a way to use the system, a job i like, if i haven't that fear inside i could reach my goals.
And this is only an example, i guess for each fear there is a devious coping thought created by our mind that leads us astray of our true free of fears self.