Here i am on this land, standing still, my legs are numbed, everything around scared me, i can't make a step, i'm oververflowed with informations and the fear don't allow me to make any move, like if i was in a mines field; this temple for travelers buzzes like a hive, and the flesh puppets stride straight following the rails to their destination; i'm unoticed though being the only one turned into a statue, i don't know where to look, i don't want to afflict anyone, i don't want to have an impact on their lives and i don't want them to spoil my day as i know one glance can create a cyclone in me; i'm here for one person and as i turn my head timidly, my eyes stumble on hers, we're now two standing still in the blurry agitation, at a short distance and i'm hardly aware that the ruckus becomes a wadded melody to my ears, my senses are shutting down one by one, i feel my legs will no longer support me and i could faint in this dream with a serene smile on my face, relieved, saved!
I know my hands are becoming moist, i need to hide them under the strap of my bag, it needs to be busy, nervously sliping along my arms, i prevent them to spoil anything they could graze; my eyes are sliping too, i don't want to unpolitely staring at her so my glances sweep from side to side, lifting a bit to admire her hands, her pale and delicate hands are bond together and seems to shudder in eagerness, i want to believe she's looking at me with the same giant teary eyes i have now, i pray for her to not rush and pass next to me to hug some other boy in the station as i bitterly saw it many times in movies and the artificial laughs will be for me to bury in; i want to believe i'll be fine and those hands will soothe me from myself even if mine will stay stiff and cold for awhile; i think i can't watch i don't want to shatter the dream.
I'll say "take me far", this building of metal beams finely polished, and artistically painted is too crowded, i feel i'm in the nest of ants and i want to be a free butterfly living for one day full before giving back my core to the earth, i'm not made to walk in line, wandering tunnels through dark days of labor, let's escape from this mound of filth, "take me far", i trust you, be my guide, please don't break the leash and make me feel real for a day, we're not busy ants, we're free passing butterflies.
I've learned, i know how to consider human nature, to everyone his choices, to everyone his thoughts, his ideas, his perception, his world, no one can disapoint me by saying his truth even if i have a different one; in a situation like this the answer will be "yes" or "no", if i have to be rejected i'll walk away like a robot all my senses destroyed, i'll swim back to my home, i'll exhaust myself to the bones in order to rest afterwards util the end of my living days, and i'll wish her to be truly happy because she sleeps in my heart.
I'm standing in the train, clasping the metal bar to support my balance. My body shakes and feet are like jello, and i'm worrying about the move i'll make when the doors open. Strangers stiffen the air and i'm anxious to get out. I hurry past them, my hands in my pockets. I'm running with my heart leaping out of my chest, even the layers of material shake with the violent beating underneath my thin skin. I'm running like i'm following a path drawn for me on the ground, my instinct is to move towards the place where i'll find a high, and i'm feeling dizzy as i imagine the meeting that will occur within the next few minutes. I'm smiling like i'm about to see an angel from a paradise who came so far to see me.
RépondreSupprimerMy hands tuck on my clothes, trying to make myself neat since i'm running clumsy and all in disarray. Gradually i slolw down to a kind of fast past walk, again my heart is pounding so strong and my vision blurs.
I arrive at the big open space with the high dark ceiling, there are beeping noises of machinery and a chatter that blends into a humming. The mixture of sounds start to become distant and i can already feel the presence. I pause to scan through the crowds. I'm so nervous and excited that i stop to hide behind a marble column near a wall. I lean against it and take a deep breath, the blood is pulsing through my hands and i pull at my fingers to calm myself. I close my eyes and breathe, relaxing my shoulders and letting my arms fall. After this brief meditation i step out into the open space once more. I walk slowly, turning here and there and over there...knowing he's here and i can sense the energy.
And then i see him standing in the middle of all the commotion, the strangers all rushing past him. His face is vibrant and he looks down at his bag and then raises his chin up again in the same search as i am. My arms pull me forward, and my feet become slightly still like blocks of ice and it seems i'm being carried in both directions. Again I tuck my hair behind my ears and attempt to clear my voice before i'll speak.
The humming becomes a distant noise in the background and all i can hear now is his breath and the shoe tapping against the floor gently as if he's dancing to a sweet melody.
I watch his eyes and continue moving closer, almost like a creep because my spine caves in and all the others are taller. I'm creeping slowly to greet him, he sees me too.
I pause and stare awkwardly, trying not to but i can't even blink. This causes him to turn his face to the side so as not to see me.
I move my arms forward, again i'm shaking and struggle to breathe normally. Instead of letting my arms guide me i hold the palms of my hands together to stop myself, and approach him calmly. I'm smiling uncontrollably and feel as though i'm about to faint. Finally i say "Hi..." and he smiles, eyes sparkling. I ask if he would allow me to embrace him and when he nods his head in agreement my arms throw themselves and i pat my palm on his shoulder as a warm welcome.
The following is...we stand still again like two columns in this crowded place and the eyes stare again like when i first saw. I try to find strength to move myself and ask about his plans.