The malevolents, the victims and the lovers
When some egos don't succeed in being praised or admired, they turn on other forms of attention and play certain roles to trigger it. If they don't succeed in getting positive attention, they will probably search for negative attention, for example by triggering a negative reaction in someone. This is what children do when they use capricious behaviors. The negative roles get bigger each time that the ego is pumped by an active "pain body", that is by a past emotional suffering who wants to survive by a constant search for new painful experiences (like a reminder of the past pains). Some egos commit crimes to be famous. They seek attention by celebrity and condemnation. "Please, tell me i exist, that i'm not insignificant", it seems they say. Such a pathological form of the ego is the extreme version of the "normal" ego.
A common role played by the ego is "the victim", seeking attention through pity and sympathy. The victim wants others get interested in his problem, to "her and her story". This victim part can be found in many schemes of the ego, amongst the recriminations, the feeling of being offended, indignant, etc... . Of course, once i'm indentified to a story in which i give myself the role of victim, i don't want that this story ends. So, as every therapist knows it, the ego doesn't want to end up (cut out) the problems because they are part of his identity. If no one wants to listen to my sad story, i can tell it to myself at will in my head, feel sorry for myself and so have the identity of a person unfairly treated by life, by others, by destiny or god. This role is created to define my personal image, make someone of me. That's the only important thing for the ego.
At the beginning of many so-called romantic relationships, it is very common to play a part in order to attract and keep the person that the ego sees as the one who will "make me happy, make me feel special and satisfy all my needs". The tacit and unconsciouss agreement goes like : "i will play who you'll want and you will play who i'll want." But it's not easy to play a role and to keep it indefinitely, moreover when we start to live together. And when those roles fall, what do you see? Unfortunately not yet the true essence of the being in front of you, at least in many cases, but what is covering that essence, that is the ego in the rough. An ego casts in his roles, in his "pain-body", in his frustrated desires which then transform into anger, the most probably set against the partner who didn't succeed in eliminating the underlying fear and the feeling of lack intrinsically linked to the fake sense of self created by the ego.
What we usually call "falling in love" is in most cases an intensification of the "wanting" and the "needing" of the ego. In a way you become "addicted" to another person, or rather to the image of the other person that you have created. This has nothing to do with the true love which doesn't imply any "wantings" in any forms (but simply accepting the other as he is, with no judgment). The spanish language is the most honest regarding notions about love. Indeed, te quiero means "i want you" as well as "i love you". The other expression to say "i love you", te amo, which doesn't have this meaning ambiguity, is rarely used. Maybe because true love also rarely exists."
Eckhart Tolle (rough translation)
This reminded me of a book I read not that long ago, a story about a woman who claimed she is "in love with" a man who uses and abuses her. In a way, we could analyze that scenario and say: She loves him because she sees him, his true identity (that is a disrespectful, harsh one). She "needs" him because she loves that harsh, active, strong part of his personality. Despite that it is harmful to her, despite the fact she knows he doesn't view her as a human being.
RépondreSupprimerNow, we can also analyze it this way (which I think is more correct, so I agree with Tolle on his theory about ego): She "loves him" because she identifies herself as a victim. She thinks about him day and night, obsessed, addicted, because he beats her into her victim role. That is the way her ego gets attention, so the violation of this man makes her feel more like a whole person.
That is why children who are from abusive homes recreate the victim role in proceeding relationships in their lives.
Here my thought, honnestly who will really love someone that beats you down and humiliates you everyday? No One! I can't imagine it, you can't truly love someone that is hurting you everyday, i think the theory of eckhart tolle is necesarily right in that case, she may have an affective dependency, and regard the beating as a part of her relationship, for it to be complete, which is yeah the ego searching to be whole in the other. Everyone is already whole, there's no need to search yourself in others, so if in a relationship you suffer more than you get joy, or simply endure unbearable treatments, it's saner to go away, you won't lose anything as you already are complete inside.
RépondreSupprimerFor me there's no real love possible through disrespect and hurt, isn't it obvious for everyone?, at the start you seem to question that, so yeah i agree more with the later explanation you note.