"More" is ugly

I can't stop my awakening process, i know it's not the "more" that's important, it's just about feeling it inside, that nothing can crush me, that i have the power on what i want to do of this present, but i know too that i can't stop here, i need to discover, i need to learn more truth about myself and about the world, because i'm sure, when i think about it, that if, starting to that very moment, i don't evolve farther, get more overall conscioussness, if my evolution was frozen right now, and with the time passing, one day, in five, ten or twenty years, i will kill myself, i'm sure of it, it will be lethal to stop, it's vital for me to be a thinker, to be a seeker, i still have too much hatred for myself, and that's a painful paradox because i genuinly love the forms, the entities, the beings, that are not me. I want to be around people, i want to meet many persons, i want to love them, but i can't step up enough and be sure of my own form, i know form is the ego, that it's not important, so i need to find the true beauty of my inner being in its stillness, to let myself the chance to live and be open.