I had a crush

I had a crush, at first sight.
I left the two friends i had come with.
I was zoning amongst the shelves in a big cultural store.
Just browsing and watching around, then
STOP!......





As soon as i took it in my hands i felt i was melting,
i slid my fingers on the back, unpolished and white,
then on the front over the glossy black and white photograph representing an old man,
i flipped inside, i smelled the pages,
it was a small and thin book,
i felt i wanted that one,
i begged my friends to buy it for me, as i had no money in my pocket,
i originally didn't plan to crack and fall for anything in that place,
its title is "ode to old age, by Herman Hesse"
and it's such a wonderful book, i'm head over heels.


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That reminded me of two complementary stories that happened in my life and that represent me well.

When i was twenty-two, that movie came out: "About Schmidt" with Jack Nicholson, about an old guy being forced to retire by the company he spent all his life in, then his old wife dies suddenly, and the guy ends up alone and at a loose end, so he goes on a road trip across the usa to reunite with his lost of sight daughter, anyway that's a film about old age and the questioning it brings, about the flickering of the body, and the insignificance of life, and despite my young age at the time it attracted me and i sincerely enjoyed it; Around us (i went with a friend) in the small theater room there was few seats taken, and only by old people with hair gone white and shrivelled bodies.

Then, another day, years later, evening was coming, i went out on my balcony, on the third floor, i was only dressed with the pants of my pajamas, going down right under my knees, shirtless i leant on my elbows to the parapet, i felt to chill out, thinking i will be alone tonight, but on my left the glass window opened, and my neighbor, a young girl, student of medicine around twenty-one came out too on her balcony to chill out, at first i felt uneasy, i didn't expect someone (even less a young girl) to see me in that indecent pose, i pretended to haven't notice her and i kept silent, but she didn't look shocked and adressed me, (what's funny is that she was too in her outfit for the night, or was it that i met her another evening like that and she was wearing little cotton shorts and thin tank top so that she was copying my nonchalance), anyway we had a very nice chat, just getting acquainted to each other (she was very impulsive and quite intolerant if i recall, she moved a couple of years ago), and one moment in the conversation she asked for my age, i think i was twenty-eight or twenty-nine at the time, or maybe thirty-one, whatever, and when i said, she was sticken, she totally believed i was a student too, i couldn't imagine she judged me on my look, on my nakedness, and i said something stupid like : "oh it must be because of the skateboard and the guitar", i meant she thought i looked younger because i was practicing activities that usually young people do, but obviously she couldn't see inside my appartment, she couldn't see the objects through the window, (sometimes my mind can't believe like that and searches for a sort of rational way to explain others' reactions, even more when it's a compliment toward me), but no, she was referring to my body, that was awkwardly exposed here before her eyes, and i can't deny even now as i just turned thirty-three my body is fit and thin as a twenty years old.

That's an ambiguity i carried until then, an old mind in a young body, and because of that imbalance it's difficult for anyone to place me somewhere, and for me to belong anywhere, what will happen when i'll be older, i feel i won't lose the passion inside, the capacity to be amazed and i will never be unfit, i'm a strange creature.