Quick and shallow words on a condition

When i'm ill nothing has any importance around me, it's only about my suffering, i wish no people, no friends, even no family in my sight, i keep away from doctors, i'm utterly self centered, my old self, my own pain is all i have in mind, activities and acts are reduced to shivering, as well as the space, limited to my small appartment, in which i can pace around focused on myself, i forget all that i know, all the people, it's useless to think because one thing is absorbing all of my capacities, this is the ultimate detachment, this is life free of all worries, nothing, no one counts except me. And that state, isn't it what i'm trying to achieve, spending that life only for myself, whatever it's made of, a supreme individualism, every decision only taken for my own sake, in a way of a sociopath, who can act and think like that without the help of a virus or a disease, but i'm on a way far more extreme than a sociopath, it's like i'm wishing to anihilate all the need and the desire nature pushes us to have towards others, it's like i want to break free of feelings related to others, and in the end only my law is my guide.

i'm so far from everybody, i feel so different, something else, something that doesn't want to be human.

People don't understand what is feeling, principally love, generally people wish, want, desire, expect; nothing comes to them without the manipulation they play on themselves and on others, the more often unconsciously, they don't realize this is illusional love, or any feeling going through that decaying funnel. If i aim to be thrusted out that spiral the solution is to erase every feeling related to others, the more i speak about it with different persons the more i think attachment is a mystery to me, at one point in my evolution i went through that and experienced it in various contexts, where i am now, right now, plagued with several illnesses those past weeks, though right now!, i'm thinking the dizziness is getting away, but what's left is shallowness and indifference for humans, i was always more of an intellectual than a crudely physical person in my relations to others, but right now i'm thinking only me can stimulate myself, in what is stimulating up to me, others have no real appeal, i'm still learning off of anyone knowledge, i'm still acknowledging girls who are attractive up to my criterias, i'm still asking to meet the persons i respect as "interesting persons", but i don't need all that, my feeling is that i don't need to desire or to learn from others, i don't need to touch or make love (though for experience i'd like to kiss wildly each woman), not even masturbating, i don't need to talk or get a reply to my sharings, interests wiping wide, i find my own stimulation in infinite possibilities and subjects, rich and vibrant, but still... far away... nothing changes me anymore, am i still sick, or deshumanized, or simply turning into something beyond humans.


Here's the song for my funeral !