Confidence is too often confused with competence.

Humans are easily tricked by facial expressions.

Look surpasses depth, and it's a shame.

Try to be consciously attentive.


I was always doubtful, and stingy to give my trust to people and informations, too much and you fall in a state of paranoia, yet i think it's important to develop one's critical faculty at an early age.
Then when you grow self confident, you are able to relativize and search your informations by yourself without losing your individuality in any group, or exposed to any random information.

Self confidence and critical faculty make a good balance.

I don't hope

This is a time i'm seeing a lot of new stuff, drinking too much cherry beers on that brown couch, abstract paintings are hung to the walls, some made with a myriad of quick and short paintbrush strokes, white, blue, grey, black, in all directions, watching it i feel i'm under a pouring rain, depressed and wet to the bones.
It's a nice appartment, the owner is kind of a twist between an artist and an athlete, abstract painting and 800 meters races define her hobbies, a step machine is lost in a corner, she hardly ever used it she confessed,
i'm eating more aperitif cocktail biscuits, opening my second packet, souffléed goatcheese is tasty,
all the rooms are so neat and clean, and with my feasting i'm starting to mess up the short but wide dark wooden table in front of me, i haven't noticed but the couch and that table are matching, oh!, as well as the set of drawers on the back, two tiny colored lamps are hidden on each sides of the tv, it gives a cozy atmosphere to that dining room, we feel like in the womb of our mothers, a faded pink and orange are reflected on the immaculate white walls,
i changed my threadbare t-shirt for a brand new skin tight shirt, what for?!,
we isolate on the balcony, first floor, to smoke, no not me, but that skiny one, i isolate to inhale deeply the freshness of the night, watch the neighborhood teenage girls in tight jeans passing in the street ahead, side by side, giggling, probably en route to some party, i'm not partying but i sure am kind of drunk, and stuffed too!!,
oh it's not much, i wish it really had an effect, but i'm also controlling this so well that i manage to keep a sweet composure and a sharp clarity of the mind, there was a time it made be bond with strangers, we felt pals for the time the high lasted, what a bore, they were mainly all so unfitting to me, or maybe i was the one unfitting in that scheme, and that's what i'm saying, what i'm telling, like a fable, to the person who joined me, elbows leaned on the metallic guarding fence, share our lifes like two newly meeting people do : philosophy, philosophy, theory, theory, story, stories, yeah i can do it, i'm so uselessly proud, annoying,
i'm "interesting", after sobs and dramas, that's what comes out of that throb,
i don't want to ask myself questions about defining what's new, new people, new places, new personalities, new opinions, new judgements, except now i'm able to fly above all that
(for real this time, while before, long ago, i was just making this up, the tormented poet, the decadent dandy, and trying only to convince myself that i was fine to be),
i'm so detached it's scary, "i'm devoided of sentiments", that's what i say when i want to make Mika cringe, and he is himself so sensitive that he feels right away the urge to argue,
"Stop controling, let it flow, feel it and let it drive you.",
damn my friend but don't you know i'm heartless, don't send me messages cause i reply and send some only when i feel i want, i don't feel guilty over the help you bring me, the money you lend and your intense concern about me,
you all, you hear me,
and those two short messages i got today, it puts me in a dire, i can't reply, oh i have a good reason, but stop igniting stress in me, i told you i can't, so please help me, help me, you all, you world, give me the power to feel and the will to help myself, go, go, go, i must go, i must give everything, i must believe in irrationality, and come back if it's not the way, but maybe i'm already too far in that strict path, no coming back, no turning back my head even a slightest, and i'm alone in the shadow of the valley of death.

--------(to get the truth in those lines, just discard all the negativity, product of a distorted mind, and yeah, i'm so unoriginal)---------

(Here's a little story as i always feel to tell when i'm thinking about reaching away, i could make it plain, it's filled with truth of what happened to me those past days, but a plain description would be boring isn't it, well i won't see any sense to write if i won't make it personally interesting and stylish, oh i could write, yeah i could but it will go nowhere, for a proof my initial thought was, "this is a time i would be glad to meet you, [to talk about what we're becoming, and much more], pointless like i said, but where all that goes, that verve, that enlivened imagery, it goes there, through a wire, and maybe on the other side it just pops and vanishes, creating nothing, stimulating nothing, with zero effect, a mind needs to process it and give it life, suppositions and superstitions, the heart must beat faster and louder, the brain must get hotter, as the cheeks blush, and baby tears clean the vision, the hair on the arms must lift, electrified, the hands must need to grip and scratch and touch the skin anxiously, mess or rearrange the hair, trembling, the lips get stiff, the upper pressed on the downer, or the teeth stick sorely onto the pulp, anything!, anything but something, a reaction, a thought, a craving, a worthy emotion, something that stays somewhere in us and changes us for a little unoticeable part, that's the purpose of sharing, of telling to people who can count in some ways, if there's no spark, then there's no connection, it falls flat, and it dies.)

From war to laws to conscious self help

It is because there are laws and collective rules that we can now develop individual consciousness.

(At the time of barbarians and uncultivated minds, someone kind and thoughtful must have been quickly exploited and knocked off right after.)

It is time now to transcend those rules which are getting old in order to evolve humanity to the next chapter.

Starlings Story

Do you want to hear about starlings, because a bunch of them is pillaging the plum tree in front of my room, i observed them this morning, ten or more on the ground with their camouflage feathers, sticking their beaks in the round yellow fruits and hoping away swiftly as to escape others to snatch their meal or to fight over it, (i can humanize them prudently leering at each others), then suddenly i sneezed, tricked by the malicious wind seeping through the ajar window and my short sleeves, tickling my nose, the pack of birds all flew away in a same movement, droping their affairs, panicked, not to go far though as i watched they perched on the top branches, (blooming with pretty little green leaves), from the very tree they were feasting under.

Get together for the good reason (not so easy to understand and achieve)

What i think is the current truth for a long time, i found written in that book, that is people get together not because they truly love another but to soothe their inner pain, to get support because they aren't strong enough, thus they form couples by default, expectation and neediness to their insecurities, instead of real asserted love, they get together not because the other is what he is and they love it, but because the other has something that allows them to feel stronger and supported through life, which is to me such a mean, often unconscious, decision (because most people don't know themselves and so don't know from where come their insecurities and how to overcome it by themselves, an obvious weakened mind.)

"Those who form an 'official couple' before feeling autonomous (that is being able to function by themselves) take the risk to depend too much on the other and to expect too much out of him. They don't take the time to rejoice in their independence and to discover how to satisfy themselves without a partner. Instead of spending some years to free themselves from the parental grip and learn to count only on themselves, they right away go from the parental house to the refuge of the couple, without ceasing to depend on others for love and support. Rushing like this in an intimate relation will deprive them of a unique opportunity to dig out their self confidence, the assurance and autonomy required for a couple to thrive.

Living separated from parents is an important step to turn us into adults. Living for a while separated from the opposite gender is also enlightening. A person able to find her stability on her own - or by sharing an appartment with friends of the same gender - build a strong basis for a future duet.

When our job and our friends don't satisfy us, we turn to partners likely to fill up our existence, instead of those with who we could share this one (share what we really are). Instead of mixing two full cups to be overwhelmed by bliss, we reunite with the other in the first place to fill in lacks (defaults, deficiencies).
Huge mistake : it requires to live happily alone to find the right person and form a couple."

(it's kind of my own interpretation because it's a raw translation and i changed some words but this whole text is an idea i agree with, to me true love is in self sufficience and then the choice of a partner.)

Fashion Art

Hardly for anything, beneath the superficial, a light, a color, a reflect, a chin down, a set harmony

to see more

Forget about comparisons, path of enlightement

I figured there's no need for slumps and downs, on that path of evolution, with the correct state of mind everything can go smoothly, there's no conflicts in any new relations or ends of relation, all is said calmly, and acknowledged, all opinions and persons are respected, and there's no pain in the heart nor in the mental, the memories aren't bitter but only sweet honey, because the choices are made in complete respect of oneself first and the others then, we can talk openly and without restraints, the word "secret" doesn't exist in the trust of the self and the respect of the other, if all is said there's no misunderstandings, if the questions are asked kindly, if the feelings are disclosed as only belonging to one, the path of enlightement and personal happiness doesn't need clashes, violence and resentment, it simply doesn't create that sort of things because of the compassionate character the person on that very path displays, i'm seeing around me fearful humans, i'm meeting them, they are hiding in their shell when i watch them straight in the eyes, others watch me back for one entire minute without putting their chins down one bit, nor closing their eyelids, self trust and assurance can impress, but with a kind aura, it soothes, it gives substance and presence to the other, it makes him feel recognized as your equal, and every word, every opinion counts, the bad emotions are only polluting those who feel it, corrupting their thoughts, collapsing their bodies, if you choose to trust yourself on that path, nothing can take you down, nothing can touch you negatively, finally positiveness is communicative, the shy ones get sparkles on their face when you question them on their passion, the confident ones smile and debate with you, creating that joyful mood we all seek so painstakingly, when it becomes clear it's very easy just to be yourself in any new situation with any new people around, we don't need rulers, it's also useless wanting to have an impact on others, just being sincere and accepting draw others to you, and that's the path, that's it, trust yourself, read and trust others, you'll see the powerful bond forming by itself, that's what everyone wants, unconsciously inside, and now i'm sure, it works by waving off judgment and negativity, and presenting the confident and raw You.

Sometimes i feel stupid, my brain is quicker to imagine and create concepts than means to express it, i lose my words.

(What a "let down" because plain stupidity does NOT amuse me, in any form.)

Common people think someone can't love if he doesn't seek to please, that's the biggest mistake of this time, real love is confused with losing oneself in another, oh i can't stop saying this because it's the cause why i'm seen as an egoistical jerk with a heart of stone, which is so untrue.
And truth is that on the contrary real love  is loving someone for oneself, just because the other is what he is and not because he reflects a good image of yourself.
The unconsciousness of this time is so vast and i feel i'm standing alone for real unity, i don't suffer, i'm self sufficient but i hope for humanity that people will understand this is evolution for a better living together in the respect of oneself and others.

Always women choose.
But isn't it obvious enough that  the meaning of life isn't in sex, or men will only have a controlled and restrictive access to this somewhat unimportant pleasure designated and advocated by modern cultures and media as the unsurpassed source of happiness.
Implicitely all this only has a profit-making purpose and of petty power, command the masses by this false belief on sex, pushing, compelling men to fool women (to attract them in their arms with empty promises) by making them hope for presents, lasting relationships, and/or material security.
Physical pleasure doesn't embody any power or empower anybody, it is just what it is, stimulation by friction;
Good!;
But that doesn't make the true connection between people.

Well that's why evolution, adaptation is here, because i'm not shaped like a sexual predator to fit in this masquerade (and i don't want it), so i developped and for me pleasure and happiness is elsewhere.

Destiny

Message for my faithless mother

J'existe pour te prouver que l'on peut etre bien, que l'on peut trouver la paix interieur en ne possedant rien et en etant isolé, sans avoir de femme ou de travail, sans etre materialiste, simplement par le pouvoir de l'esprit et la decouverte de son etre, oui le bonheur est un etat que l'on choisit d'incarner à n'importe quel moment et dans n'importe quelle situation.

I exist to prove you that one can be well, one can find his inner peace without possessing anything and being isolated, without any woman, job or money, without being a materialist, merely by the power of the mind and the discovery of one's being, Yes happiness is a state that we choose to embody at any time in any situation.

----

I'm relieved, i did well in "carrying" you.
You're sweet.
Bisousmum

L’Amour véritable est toujours dans l'affirmation (de son être), jamais dans la soumission.

----

Genuine Love is always in assertiveness, never in submissiveness.

A great part of Intelligence is kindness,
not naivety,
but confident selfless kindness and compassion.
Something to be valorised for further human evolution.

Don't take it personally if i'm obnoxious

People with no capacity of wonderment bore me.

You know those who are totally unable to present you something new they could be interested in, no matter how many times you meet and share with them, nor how many years you're in contact with them,  always speaking of the same subjects they know by heart, only because they convinced themselves that's what they like, always settling on the same old shows years after years, and twenty years later they will always speak to you what they were moved by during their youth without succeeding in overcoming it, always eating the same stuff, picking the same product at the same store or the same spot on the shelf, without even glancing at the huge variety displayed around, so obviously unable to notice a bush of blackberries along a road or a pack of strawberries hidden under fallen leaves, they read the same books or magazines again and again, and listen to the same songs until they choke on it and finish by despising it, isn't it a proof of lack of self control, extreme neediness to the point of overdose, they are unable to focus on anything new that could come from outside them, so don't try to share to them something that you are interested in at the moment, they will discard it with a fright, probably the fear to be lost and stupid in front of something they didn't have the time to get accustomed to, in front of someone, even if someone well known, don't they have the will to learn, to accept the blank points in their evolution and develop a will to grow, apparently not, so it's useless to try, they wouldn't try anything new or anything they haven't meticulously prepared anyway, so don't propose new places to see and even less going to those places with the use of the uncertain strenght in their bodies, those people are comfy in their routines and probably think what they are and the few they know is sufficient ("the less you know the happier you are" it is said, probably by religious institutions), well, nice for them but their way bores me to death, which side are you, is your happiness in plain stability or in continuous discoveries, definitely i'm more the curious adventurous type, phew.

(can any of those people have a laugh to idiotic creativity, i guess for them idiocy alone is enough, lucky people!)

Well the most important is to know each our own way, isn't it !

Quick and shallow words on a condition

When i'm ill nothing has any importance around me, it's only about my suffering, i wish no people, no friends, even no family in my sight, i keep away from doctors, i'm utterly self centered, my old self, my own pain is all i have in mind, activities and acts are reduced to shivering, as well as the space, limited to my small appartment, in which i can pace around focused on myself, i forget all that i know, all the people, it's useless to think because one thing is absorbing all of my capacities, this is the ultimate detachment, this is life free of all worries, nothing, no one counts except me. And that state, isn't it what i'm trying to achieve, spending that life only for myself, whatever it's made of, a supreme individualism, every decision only taken for my own sake, in a way of a sociopath, who can act and think like that without the help of a virus or a disease, but i'm on a way far more extreme than a sociopath, it's like i'm wishing to anihilate all the need and the desire nature pushes us to have towards others, it's like i want to break free of feelings related to others, and in the end only my law is my guide.

i'm so far from everybody, i feel so different, something else, something that doesn't want to be human.

People don't understand what is feeling, principally love, generally people wish, want, desire, expect; nothing comes to them without the manipulation they play on themselves and on others, the more often unconsciously, they don't realize this is illusional love, or any feeling going through that decaying funnel. If i aim to be thrusted out that spiral the solution is to erase every feeling related to others, the more i speak about it with different persons the more i think attachment is a mystery to me, at one point in my evolution i went through that and experienced it in various contexts, where i am now, right now, plagued with several illnesses those past weeks, though right now!, i'm thinking the dizziness is getting away, but what's left is shallowness and indifference for humans, i was always more of an intellectual than a crudely physical person in my relations to others, but right now i'm thinking only me can stimulate myself, in what is stimulating up to me, others have no real appeal, i'm still learning off of anyone knowledge, i'm still acknowledging girls who are attractive up to my criterias, i'm still asking to meet the persons i respect as "interesting persons", but i don't need all that, my feeling is that i don't need to desire or to learn from others, i don't need to touch or make love (though for experience i'd like to kiss wildly each woman), not even masturbating, i don't need to talk or get a reply to my sharings, interests wiping wide, i find my own stimulation in infinite possibilities and subjects, rich and vibrant, but still... far away... nothing changes me anymore, am i still sick, or deshumanized, or simply turning into something beyond humans.


Here's the song for my funeral !