the abject affective dependency

I see people and their affectations, and it pisses me off, their glances and contained smiles, they look so shy, as if they were shameful to be attracted or to feel something about attraction on one another, as if it was unatural (No it's not!), and i can tell they are already lost, in thoughts and projections, imagining ideal situations and ideal personalities, already changing theirs to please, they don't know what they want really and are planing what to do and how to adapt. Damn! just define what you feel and think, and go for it, how would you know what's real if you don't go as the real you, with no expectations and no disguise, i guess most people have an affective dependency, they crave to be loved and are ready to anything only for that, even to lose themselves. It shouldn't bother me because i know what i like and i know to disclose what i feel, i can read people's mind with the help of their movements, but those people hit my hardest wound, that i haven't overcome yet, they can manipulate others unconsciously, that's the saddest, by saying "i love you", "i'm interested in you", while it's only a crush, they fool themselves and the others, misguided by their desperate need to please and lack of self knowledge. So stop the fluttering and say straight what is it you are, that's the only way to get close to people you can really like, except that the other has to be frank like this too, and that's where the doubt comes and i feel threatened, i know i'll be honest but i can't be sure that the other is too, and not sadly, unconsciously misleading himself and me in the process.

I don't want to feel disposable.