Strings

I want to write
pretend i'm a poet
give a better life to myself
life's always prettier and stronger in unreality
i want at least that
the power to intoxicate me with words
sweep away the soul eaters
pull to me the delight and pleasure of ten lifetimes,
abuse the puppets born from the tip of my fingers
all this tenure, all this joy
all for me
Hail! to me
i am my own master,
the king of mind masturbation.

what a dream, what an illusion.

so good

What's important now
is not for me to tell anymore
No control over my feelings
anymore
I would have been so good with that girl

I'm a ghost on the sidewalks
evaporating elsewhere
i wish to break all barriers
and all i do is closing windows

after

panting my heart out

I would have been so good with that girl
if only i wasn't

...

real

...

I thought...
I thought i was lying on my back, under the sheets, in the big double size bed, the muscles of my naked torso sharp and pumped up, i turn the head on my left side, i see you, lying on your back too, your forearm grazing mine, in your neat underwear and a thin cotton shirt, we are both all sweaty, i can see your skin by transparency where the cloth is wet, you turn your head too, you watch me, you smile, blushing but with a lustful shine in your eyes, it excites me, and you slowly climb on my body, rubbing, pressing the closest you can, leaning on me, staring at me, challenging me, then i clutch your palms in mine, i shackle you, and swiftly but softly turn you and press your back on the matress, i'm the one leaning on you now, our arms stretched over our heads, i hold on the clutch, you're my prisoner, and i murmur, confident, all my licencious thoughts, i'm gently smiling, you didn't drop your lacivious smile and the sparkles in your glance seem stronger, i'm ready to act on my desires, take on your body, make it my feast, rising to delight, and in a brief moment i release my delicate grip on your hands, as i want to let you the choice to protect yourself, cross your arms on your chest, shove me off of you, for that little moment i wait, you are free, and my heart swells as you don't move, i feel that unspeakable peace in that moment where we are, both willingly, now as one.

confession

I like the scent of clean clothes and skin,
and the sweetness of milk too,
a drop sweating down the glass,
or the roundness of the moon,
i like the shimmering waves of hair
and the cuddly wind over dunes too,
i like...
i love your visage and your shape,
the pale blue and the porcelain white on you,
the infinity of your keenness is truth
and all is sensuality to me now
ever
ever since i know you

the Everyday lack

Again this morning
I transpose myself
I dive in those places
blurry and dark
Again, again.

Again and again
i stare at those tight hands
as if they could linger on my skin
make me an Apollon
I focus on those lips
and my mouth salivates
to feel the softness
and warmth
of my lips against hers

I want to wave frantically
to distract the suave reserve
the sullen glance she throws at the ground
Lift your head, Watch me, i'm here
for you
Please, Don't dream away
Come snuggle in my arms

Again and again
i stare and i muse
And the skin i want to caress
i want to kiss every square
And the ears i want to murmur
all my dirty fantasies
for her to dispose of me
And her hair i want to smell
smell her from bottom to top
from top to bottom
I want to hide in her body
to make it my secret place
the garden where i can get lost
and only me know the path to delight

i can't control the desire i feel
it's always you
Again and again.

Let me tell you the stories of that love.

shuffle the traces

You got used to it
You got nothing back
and you don't want to make an effort anymore
They aren't bad persons
They simply don't think about you

You thought but never acted
You were smiling but in yourself with them
It's confusing now, who didn't want
Maybe you...
You were waiting for the imperious motive

Change yourself, be more clear with what you want
And don't blame others
They acted like your communication pushed them to
Unconsciously you wanted to stay solid
Now everything's changing
Think about them, will they think about you

Too bad,
I'm already set.

You, who are you

I desire you and i have the desire to share and discover with you, i want to feel trust, i want to feel trust and there's no limit, when safe every little things, acts, details are enjoyable, the envy grows, the need to experience, to go forward, to try novelties, new paths, new reflections, with a truthful companion anything that is life is smooth, blissful and exciting.
You the one who will accept and naturally gives the trust, the truth, your truth, you who will be able by your true self to make me feel i can trust fully, who will turn me irremediably trustful, you who will make me feel trusted, and loved.

leading my path

I need to travel, a mind like mine can't stay alienated between these yellowish walls, so much imagination i could take, so much creativity, i will feel so full, so complete, i need to see those sights, those streets, a bit of nature, i need to feel i'm moving on, going forward, one destination leading to another, travelling around the world, cheap, with physical strenght, i don't care, but i need to travel to grow wiser.


Right here, Right now i'm ready to give all for one.

Freaky

I think i've got a problem! To feel anything for a woman i need her to say she's attracted to me.

I'm not directed at a body; a body, any body does the same job, any body has the same features, women are made the same, and men too, the body isn't what makes us unique, we are interchangeable, i think i fall in love with a mind, a personality, if i knew what to do with a body i would be able to take the pleasure out of it, and i would take it from any body, if i knew how to feel that mindless carnal joy i would wander like a bee from flower to flower sucking out all the liquorous pleasure i can take;
Can i be awaken, unleashed.
Is that a woe, is that. What is, what i could be or what i am.




What i am makes me feel inferior and abused.
What i could be is a despicable sex tyrant.

...

Snippets of Walden

In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness.

i don't understand pleasure...
i think i never felt it
i'm gonna study it

that implies

Caligula - Albert Camus

"Caligula, a relatively kind prince so far, realizes on the death of Drusilla, his sister and his mistress, that "men die and they are not happy." Therefore, obsessed by the quest for the Absolute and poisoned by contempt and horror, he tries to exercise, through murder and systematic perversion of all values, a freedom which he discovers in the end is no good. He rejects friendship and love, simple human solidarity, good and evil. He takes the word of those around him, he forces them to logic, he levels all around him by force of his refusal and by the rage of destruction which drives his passion for life.

But if his truth is to rebel against fate, his error is to deny men. One cannot destroy without destroying oneself. This is why Caligula depopulates the world around him and, true to his logic, makes arrangements to arm those who will eventually kill him. Caligula is the story of a superior suicide. It is the story of the most human and the most tragic of errors. Unfaithful to man, loyal to himself, Caligula consents to die for having understood that no one can save himself all alone and that one cannot be free in opposition to other human beings."

i don't like...
i don't like what i write...i don't like what i am...
i'm depressed

i need to feel out of Olia (through something, someone not related to her)
because
i'm competing against all the writers, all the artists, all that feels, all that make her feel, to get her affection, and i'm tired, i can't win against that much.

Yet

He is beautiful,
mysterious and engaging.
He is quick and witty,
Always speaking the right word,
to make you feel you're his.
He is stylish in his dark tones clothes,
chosing by himself what you'll have choosen for him
He's breathing joy,
sure, proud and compassionate.
you feel the tingling in your being when he reaches your lips
when he's not in sight, he's still the one you move for,
He worships your body and smiles to all the girls.
He sees you, you're the center.
People encense him, you feel privileged to know him,
to melt in him.
He is successful, wealth in both hands,
he offers you what's most precious you think,
He is soft, we see
kind and strong, he is made to please.
He is one
He is here
He is close to you
i see

He is, the one you love.

nothing else

Sometimes she hardly says it
those words to empower me.

Sometimes i believe she understands
that my sadness is in the non existence.

There's a well people throw rocks in
and that is what define me

Sometimes i wish i think and she says
for i won't have to disclose anything anymore

Sometimes i plan i'll try hatred sincerely
to justify my point on this life

There's a foul will in me to release
that will happily turn me forgetful

and Sometimes i wish her to say
that she will always be!

So i can say : "no you won't!"

My words are more dramatic than my look.

i live it that way

"It takes a hundred miles of love
To heal a mile of pain
I never say goodbye to the scene
And I never blow out a flame
And I got

White lies for dark times and I don't need your crutch
I'm kicking out stained glass windows and I'm
Tender to the touch

Shimmer and shine
We leave it all behind
Shimmer and shine
When you tell me that you're mine
Shimmer and shine, shimmer and shine

Bring me the music for the revolution
It puts my mind at ease, to know
We're the problem, we're the solution
The cure and the disease
But life is trying to force me
Force me to trust
I've done all I can
I do what I must

Shimmer and shine
We leave it all behind
Shimmer and shine
When you tell me that you're mine"

                            ben harper

(I hear you are getting away, forgeting me, leaving me alone, so, i take fright,
throw a drama and cry "stay with me i can't live without you",
that's how it works, it's lame and childish, i know!, how many sulks yet
until you get bored for good. )

"undefined"

Tried to eat an apple, i'm not hungry anymore, i lost hunger, i lost sleep, i feel decomposed, again, ugly, always, please people don't watch those emaciated traits, those thin hair and lean carcass, all come back to me... me, me, me, me, me, me, and my inability to sustain glares and attachment, it's awful... it's awful... the worst... i even can't feel anything for any other girl.

"undefined" is your word, it has been mine previously to you and i'm taking it back again.

the reverse awakening

It's probably more than three years now, so long, will it pass and fade, will i feel i lost those years, three years spending to glorify that relation, thinking it was good for me, that it was fitting, soaring higher, and higher, and farther than the human mud, muddle, mess, i'm the mess now, i thought it was special but what i imposed to myself i can't ask of the other, what was i waiting, all those years and the previous ones, what was to expect, that i could live above all in my meditation, eyes closed but all senses sharp like a buddha, eternal, but i'm no god or stone guardian, i'm not a self sufficient creature now that i'm awaken, i'm a weak human, i'm yearning, and as i'm unprepared to the inclination and doing of my kind, the propensity to scatter, to take and leave not without hitting before, to enjoy mindless pleasures, now that i'm awaken to that filthy nature i can't do otherwise than being emotionally hurt confronted to those casual behaviors, i have to unlearn, get rid of that clear and naive body and mind, carve a new me in the dirt, or i won't last long in such a world.

"hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me"

bumping into myself

This morning i kicked my heart inadvertently, i didn't see it has fallen down on the dirty tarmac, all absorbed i was by the tale of the purest lake with emerald shimmers, i winced and turned my head to see the poor thing trembling, trying to hide itself in a shady corner, ruffled in confusion, lost in the noise and thunder of people galloping close, so small, who could see it, dying in indifference, maybe the next inattentive idiot or cruel girl will finally end the misery of this sick heart by walking onto it, ...inadvertently.

the weight of obsession

I don't know how to distract myself, i'm sitting here, legs crossed, i dressed, i took a shower, those were my attempts to boost me up in that day, but now, i'm just here, tetanized, watching through the furnitures with glassy eyes, as if the life force was stolen from my scrawny body, my senses are dull, all remaining is this energy ball in my stomach, an irradiating stir that makes me dizzy and i know that no place i could run to will soothe me from that settled ogre inside, i can't escape it, it'll just cover me deeper like i'm crawling in quicksand, my mind is overtaken, my mind is overtaken, my mind is overtaken, and i intensely want to give my body too, there's no secure place to picture because the delusional memory of her embrace just build stronger the feeling of her absence, this is hopeless, this is useless to desire that much, my eyes cry and my lips shiver desperately craving to speak those words aloud, take me away, touch me, don't leave me, je t'aime tellement!

trust and detachment

If you say "i love" too easily, like a momentum to the outside, toward someone that isn't me, i could feel a pinch in my heart (because i know you feel so strongly), i don't disclose this for you to change your behaviors, your words or what you feel, those are your rights, i'm just letting you know how my mind and body lead me to be hurt quickly, i take it so fast against myself and every display toward what is not me makes me feel betrayed, that is also a defect of my development, can i change that to feel better in my skin and trust people too, i wish i can, i wish there's a way.

Tell me if ever i hurt you by what i say or do.

Snippets of Walden

"Let not to get a living be thy trade, but thy sport. Enjoy the land, but own it not. Through want of enterprise and faith men are where they are, buying and selling, and spending their lives like serfs."

"Every man is the builder of a temple, called his body, to the god he worships, after a style purely his own, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead. We are all sculptors and painters, and our material is our own flesh and blood and bones. Any nobleness begins at once to refine a man's features, any meanness or sensuality to imbrute them."

"The squirrels also grew at last to be quite familiar, and occasionally stepped upon my shoe, when that was the nearest way."

"the imagination give it the least license, dives deeper and soars higher than Nature goes."

Let's get out of here, let's forgive our pasts, a new town each year, the world for home.

Writers on the road.

My mind is full of shit! when i see you i know for sure that you are honest in your gestures and stare, things that can't deceive, but as soon as we part and let some time pass my mind screams "Lies!" and "Betrayal!"
I'm exposed now clearly to that defect of my education.
The doubt! Even if there's a tiny insignificant chance that something happen, that i will be fooled, my mind considers it and forces me to be focused on it, as anything is ever perfect and sure in this world, i'm then constantly insecure. Whatever i'm confronted to i will doubt, will it be the heavenly speech as well.

Skin Thin

"Now that you've grown up
You can finally learn to be a child"

---An emotive kid, always taking everything too seriously, no place for games, innocence and carelessness, every little words pondered, reflected, assimilated, always hurt for the curse of not knowing how to detach himself, not knowing to just taking it easy, just taking it and leave, leave the rest to rot----

"But the day seems so long"

--- when you have nothing to do, no rules, no strict routines, no friends available, and mostly the person who understands you the most isn't close----

"Blood again
It's all I can do to hold on"

---Wallowing in self pity, learning to enjoy the sadness, yeah it's all i can do to pass the days, tame the pain of being lonely, with one obsession in my mind, one dream, one utopia, watching my doom like sand falling through my fingers and trying to catch it again and again and again ,"you idiot kid"---

"Always knew if (i) didn't have (the) other
(i)'d have nothing at all"

---When in love all is transposed to the other, nothing is left of me, if the person disapears i'm empty, that's how i love, that's extreme, that's unique, i don't know how to share myself, i don't cut myself in pieces, it's all for one, that's how i love---

"But you were always brave enough
To live like you can never fall"

---Others are strong enough to stand back again because they keep themselves for themselves, nothing can be stolen or so few, a tv, a car or a pet, i own nothing except myself when i'm alone and free, when i gave myself away there's no way i can be brave enough to build back from nothingness, you can go on, i envy you---

"Good friends behind me
But ghosts up ahead for miles and miles"

---an emotional person will drag along ghosts in fluries, more than his share to torment him every day, please, true love, make me forget, make me blind, make me happy as a fool---

Act 3 scene 5

- "I love you" he said.

- "Is it my fault if i'm not hurt" she talked.

- "........no ........"

He knew it was the end of him.

Touch

2 decembre 2010 - 00h55

Let it flow
Let is pass
That's a work in progress
I got a new vision
Back, back, back
Way back
In the ruins
That's where i start
A new chapter

low

In fact you have all you need with your friend, a room, food, and sex, everything here to fullfill your primal natural needs, warmth, energy and pleasure, all that means security, security to survival.
Intellectual matters finally aren't vital so there's no need for you to leave your situation, i can't bring you security and my mind for you to absorb is disposable through internet.