When i look sad

There's no more joy in my life for a long time now, i even can't remember a true lasting moment of happiness, though outbursts of magnificent hope are sent to me from over the seas, unfortunately leaving me idle because there's nothing i can do to catch and keep that hope pressed on my chest, and that's why there is only darkness on this blog, i'm unable to enjoy the real simplicity, i need to attach some depth, some background, some analysis on the simpliest events and creations in this world, and this functioning i can't share because that's not the way things work for people socially well integrated, all being bored when they are alone, gasping for easy entertainments, whereas me i'm more creative, i search and learn on every subjects ringing a bell in me, it seems people don't care for general knowledge, they are mainly narrow minded and conditionned to learn by heart, a method i despise, learning must be done through a reasoning and a digging amongst the bazaar of informations; but my learnings, even if it is pleasant, don't bring me to the crest of intense joy, only because it lacks someone to share with me and transcend all emotions; i decided to be disagreeable, i won't say "yes" instantly, i'll be outrageous and speak the worst of my mind, the wretched, the diffamatory but all my truth, maybe i'm drawn to sadness and anger, and for that i'm better alone, i can't play the tolerance for now and taste the nauseous impression that i'm in a mitigated place and my brain undergoes the assaults by a blender of stupidities; those who'll stay, will be those i can share with and spend an honest good time.