vendredi 4 décembre 2009
Cruelty in despair
I need somebody to shove me, today for the first time i can remember i have upset my mom, like the sweetheart she is, she was trying to help me going out of the paperwork mess, i know she's so shy and subtle, she was hiding her natural temper, she was hiding the pain, the difficulty to speak to this ungrateful humanity, i am turning into a monster, why do i slap the hands stretching to pull me out of oily water thick as tar, on some situations, hearing some words, feeling some conceptions, my heart stops, i change myself to an indolent creature, less than that, i am not a living thing anymore, i'm a divine crybaby blasting the willingness of those who only love me enough to sacrifice themselves, i hate myself, i want to disapear, i want to be forgotten, this way i could do no wrong anymore, i wish i would never exist, this way i'll never be a bother to anyone, all i can do now is closing my mind, burying myself under the blanket trying to rebirth, i'm so stubborn i deserve my pain, it's always too late when i feel sorry and haggard, i deserve it, i can picture my mom crying of all the worries i am as a twisted child, please someone shove me out of awareness, i'm so sorry now to be what i am.
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you remind me of myself...I too lash out at the hands that reach to help me. I think you felt cold towards your mom because you fear being perceived as a burden in her eyes, you feel almost a sense of guilt and that makes you resent her help. I'm really just assuming here, I'd say maybe you resist help from those you respect and care for the most.
RépondreSupprimerI don't know if this is useful of me to say but...you should know, the people who love you stick around no matter how you treat them. The loving hands will reach to try to help despite your denial and refusal to cooperate. Accept your mom's help, if you feel you said something unkind or feel bad in general tell her and maybe even say you're sorry. You can only be yourself, don't hate yourself just because you don't match the others. If I misunderstood feel free to ignore my comment.