Nearly lost

My introverted attitude and in a way my carefree appearance can fool people about my age, and sometimes despite the anarchic beard i grow, by laziness, or because my thin skin looks like a mine field to me when i'm shaved, despite this slackened image, and maybe because of it, generaly people saw me younger than i really am, kids and teenagers seems to have a good feeling with me, like if i could be a big brother, though i'm still shy, soon i'm going to suffer hugely if i don't make up my mind, try to match my age, take responsibilities, begin to enjoy adult's things, like news and tuxedo........, this is bullshit, i know i won't change inside, those "hobbies" i love, the impetuous guitar playing, the need to move my body through sports or long directionless walks, the carelessness in every pretentious matters, the way i play with toys when i'm with a trusted one in cultural stores, my lack of poise in the most regarded places, this won't change because that's what i like in life, that's what i am, but the time undermines my body and slowly but surely i'm too aware of the effects, the wrinkles like antler in my hand, i'm still in good shape but for how many years now can i compete against the young legs which haven't even lived for two decades yet, i think about shaving my head, this will be my surrender, old age will definitely coat my face, i can't play the rebelious type anymore, i need to be wiser, pondered... i'm already into analysis and keeping distance for so many years while the others enjoyed the boundless freedom of youth, i can't do otherwise than to note that... i never lived!... i never lived elsewhere than in my head, and now possibilities are lost forever, i have to sweep some remaining illusions from my craving youth or i'll shatter in a sudden transformation, when the decrepitude will lay her veil in my eyes and those who see me.