If some cameras were displaying my life widely, like those shitty reality programs on Tv, people will think i'm a nutcase; there are times i watch in the blur and i hum inarticulate improvised melodies, repeating one or two phrases related to how i could feel on the moment, sometimes i use lyrics from a well known song of myself, usually i stay motionless, i guess my face is melting like if a big hand was trying to pull down a mask i could wear, out of fatigue, out of melancholy, i'm as entertaining as a tombstone; and there are times, i jump around the appartment, scurrying from one spot to another, doing what i thought about doing which is, during those extatic moments, almost everything at the same time, i flap my hands and do weird movements (ref : garden state ) while squealing like a creepy rodent, i feel my muscles want to be used, so i'm energetic, impredictable, erratic, i wriggle with swift gestures, i make faces always squealing, chanting and impersonating the most madman ever, out of too much energy, not knowing really how to dissipate it.
Those are parts of my roller coaster, maybe symptoms of loneliness, if i had a regular activity, a regular sharing with people will i be more regular myself, will i vent what i feel talking to someone i trust, instead of bursting in highs and lows, maybe i am simply this madman unable to control his emotions.
I think you suffer from loneliness, you're a normal human being who is capable of experiencing emotions. You have energy and not enough resources to exert that energy.
RépondreSupprimerI think your highs and lows seem so severe to you because you are deprived of expressing and sharing.
When you meet someone you feel that you're "bursting" because you've been alone and when you have that opportunity to share you try to share as much as you can. This leaves you feeling unsatisfied because most people stay in regulation communications with others, they share a little bit every day so they don't feel deprived and they don't feel overly excited when they speak to someone.
Maybe others are just dull, it could be some people just don't feel greatly for anything so they don't suffer with their emotions because they don't experience the intensity you do.