(this is kind of long and boring, instant thoughts written on paper at first, it's like the booklet of an electronic device, well i put it here anyway, i keep a trace, maybe this will allow some ideas to germinate)
Feel is an ability developped through childhood and even before that, it starts as soon as you're born, if for too long as a child you strongly feel (which will grow into beliefs) that your life, litteraly, and your sanity depends on one person protecting you then you'll end up believing that you are nothing without such a person, in your adult life you'll search reassurances in others, because you'll have built an extremely sharp ability to feel in order to read, to preserve your security (life and death matter in your mind) incarnated by one person, an object, a space. Unfortunately the majority of people didn't grow the same need as you, they usually learn to love themselves as individuals, so they won't give you the amount of respect and attention you seek (as high as a mother/child relationship, the person you depend on as a child is generally a parent). finally you'll perceive the behaviors around you as rejects and you'll feel hurt because your needs won't be satisfied and because you, in your functioning, your conditioning, will give your all to the others (you'll depend of the love given by the others, while those who will have learned to love themselves will have better balanced relations). To break this bad habit and wrong self perception, one must simply love oneself more, find a balance between the feelings, the love given, sort out the persons one can trust and think about oneself first; remember your body initiating the emotions only wants you good but one has to break the old and no longer right habits, everyone has this choice to live, a faillure, a reject, won't kill you (well in the majority of the cases), we are strong, nature is strong, give yourself the love you deserve, be yourself, and you'll receive in the most honest way the love every humans need from other humans, this is the most sincere way.
My story as example :
My mom was my shield (in my mind as a child) protecting me against my dreadful dad, i believed, in my childhood, that i needed her or my dad will hurt me, my body developped the feeling that without a person as security i would be dead, now i envision the worst in many situations, i can't stand any rejects, and my senses are so sharp i notice everything and everything bother me, every little doubt about me, i can detect it in someone, and then i dramatize my loss if someone rejects me, it became a life or death matter for me. For some built that way they believe that what they are is in people judgements.
I know the theory, i'm aware of how i want to behave, i know myself, my needs and the good use to do with it but my body keept the old habits and still provokes intense emotions, warning me of a danger no longer existing, i know with my reasoning that i'm perfectly safe, my body reaction probably helped me in the time i was really threatened in a harmful environment, but now this process is no longer valid, i know it but my body reacts on habits.
You're absolutely right. I think our(human beings) beliefs develop from the influence of the care takers(parents, guardians) when we're born. There's a saying that when we are small children our brain is like a sponge, it absorbs everything and formulates a perception of the world and ourselves. I think our perception of ourselves comes from observation of the interactions of others. For example, a little girl watches her mom sorting clothes and deciding what to wear. The child watches the parent and emulates her, because for a girl her mother is generally the representation of all that is right and what the girl herself thinks she "should" be like. I think the girl would observe that her mom is showing that her appearance is very important. Then the girl will also observe her mom interact with others, learning that to be accepted by others a person must look a certain way. She will see that her mom changes her mannerism around others. The mom is the caretaker, the mom is the woman, so the girl grows up believing that being a woman herself she must make herself look nice to be accepted.
RépondreSupprimerThis is just an example, I'm not saying this is how it is with everyone but I imagine this the common model.
In what I described above, if the mother is the girl's main caretaker...her support, the parent she relates to the most...then that's where she gets her habits. If her mother does not express feelings well (if she's more concerned with her image and being accepted) then I imagine the child would learn that feelings don't matter as much as status.
Hmm, I think I'm drifting subjects.
When you said "Feel is an ability developed through childhood..." I think you mean independence?
If a child has parents who give a lot of attention, who spend time with the child often (there are so many other things that lead to this) but the child might become dependent on the parent and not be able to stand on his own. If a mom holds the child's hand all the time, if a mom acts extremely worried when the child wanders away, the child will internalize that fear in the mother and learn that the world is too scary for him to see on his own.
If a child has parents who are not very present in his/her life, who don't pay much attention even when together, who don't hold the hand and say the child should suffer and learn from his own mistakes, then the child grows up feeling he has no support and must fend for himself. I think a lot of people who are very confident had parents who taught them to be independent. Also, this being the other extreme, these people have difficulties forming bonds with others because they were not dependent on the parents.
I think in all examples, it's important to note that human beings DO need others. We're social animals, we need acceptance and recognition.
I have so many more thoughts I could keep writing, I think I'll let it formulate some more and come back to this.