It happens sometimes when I'm outside in the space within our cities that is called "public" and where we cross the bodies who form the society, to get insulted by groups of young men and to be despised by the laughter of young women; Do they consider me as a danger, a feared opponent and in this case i only should be flattered, although I find so stupid this mania from humans to be totally uncertain of their choices and their way of life that they are imperiously driven to criticize, point fingers and teeth to everyone ostensibly different in his appearance or his way of thinking in the sole purpose to reassure them;
But, also, maybe i am, for the majority, truly out of norms and the ugliness of my thoughts and my appearance can only arise the scorn of my contemporaries.
Despite all my reasoning I can not help but lean for them, they only reflect what I think of me who become painfully perceptible.
Or perhaps I'm simply ... paranoid ... and all is a trick of my mind.... but...
But, also, maybe i am, for the majority, truly out of norms and the ugliness of my thoughts and my appearance can only arise the scorn of my contemporaries.
Despite all my reasoning I can not help but lean for them, they only reflect what I think of me who become painfully perceptible.
Or perhaps I'm simply ... paranoid ... and all is a trick of my mind.... but...
" 'People should always ask questions, they should always entertain doubts. But the matter is very simple... Everyone gets nervous. If you want to get something out of anybody, and he doesn't get nervous when you unexpectedly stare hard into his eyes, give up. You won't get anything out of him, never! But that's very rare.'" (pages 36-7 Demian)
RépondreSupprimerI think people sense that nervousness in you, as you fear looking at their eyes because you are afraid to be judged inaccurately. Perhaps self confident people have a simpler life, they have easier time communicating with others face to face.
Do not look down, observe the world! Observe the others, dare to look them in the eyes. You'll see, they will either approach you or run in fear because they sense your understanding of them.
No, I do not think you are paranoid. The self perception you have, which is not accurate to the truth, is a "trick of the mind" as it is an inaccurate illusion/perception of yourself.
You are like Demian, you are different and others sense that. People are fearful of those who posess a higher knowledge and understanding of the world.
I swear when this happens to me from total strangers i wish i could be petrified at the instant, buried into a hole and disapear for ever, it hurts so much; i could suddendly put into question people i communicate with even my oldest friends, the doubt overwhelms me on "am i really so ugly in all senses and fooled by everybody", maybe even you could have their reaction and throw me away as strongly as they do; yeah When this happens i lose my rationality, i lose faith in everyone close to me and wish as well the death of all the others; Could you imagine how it's hard!!; Because it truly happens!!; Persons, girls and boys i don't know taunt me for free in the middle of the street... what a sick world who made a sick me.
RépondreSupprimerI think, what a sick world who made people like them!
RépondreSupprimerThey taunt those who are different, those who clearly live in a world separate from the rest.
I understand how you feel. I can imagine, I've seen it happen. i've been the witness, and been in place of victim, but to this day I can tell you that I believe the world is sick to make those who taunt ! Not those are are the targets of this maliciousness.
Trust me, I would not run away...as I have no reason to fear you.
I blame myself to be so easily crushed, i want to be strong, i have to believe in me nevermind what happens, i know it's the good way of thinking, i just have some difficulties to apply it. Well, Thanks for your kind support.
RépondreSupprimerYou're welcome!
RépondreSupprimerI feel I am at a similar state as you are, I know what is good and what I need to do but I feel tired and not emotionally prepared to apply that knowledge.