11pm - Wake up, turning on the pc and checking the mail and blogs and some random geeky pages (nesblog and cinemassacre), then writing a letter (on internet break, irritated brother, and concepts of love).
12h10 - Cooking meal (sausage, chips leftover and beans, half of a big red sugary apple, coffee, cake and chocolate), eating while watching part of a movie : "My Week With Marilyn" (original version with english subtitles, sometimes pausing to check words on an online dictionary), so like usual taking my time, to eat, watch, feel.
Interruption by my mother, rare enough to be mentioned, ten minutes, all shy as usual she feels uneasy to disturb me during my meal and she says to do as she wasn't here and that i continue to eat before my coffee gets cold, even though i welcome her warmly, i said i decide to be fully with her, it's how i am, and that i invited her in so i don't care to stop my meal, it's my choice to spend that little time with her, i don't do two things at the same time and i prefer to focus on the person i'm with when i decided to meet someone, that's the principle of presence, i don't think she can emotionally understand that as her fear to be a bother is so big, the best i can do is reassure her and be with her calmly and kindly, which i did.
13h45 - Washing the dishes, dynamic brushing of my teeth while pacing around the appartment back and forth to the window (sunny day), peacefully thinking, bathroom.
14h11 - Download of an Eckhart Tolle's teaching, in prevision of an evening ride, (it can take some time to find a video compatible with my downloading software, that's why i check all along the day when i plan to ride my bike in the evening while listening to a lecture, that time it was quite fast, it will be : "Eckhart Tolle/ Stillness Amidst The World")
14h16 - Back to the movie. Such insecurities in that woman, a feeling of abandonment, she's a wounded woman, but she's unconscious that she can heal herself, like most of us, it's sad, and that young guy is a shitbag, too young, not knowing what he wants, playing, pretending, same goes for that marilyn character but in a dramatic way, completely lost, like most running after luxury and physical reassurances, superficiality and disapointments, little girls and boys parasiting each others, the simple brown-haired girl with a slide was the prettiest, nicest and most sincere, used and let down (i'm glad she didn't reply to the invitation of the young boy at the end). (that was my quick reaction to the images, there's things to say about that movie, that shows the unconsciousness of human beings, but eh here it's only cinema).
15h51 - Nap time, lying down on my couch under the blanket, headphones on with in my ears that album by Colour Haze : "Los Sounds De Krauts" (i like crazy rock improvisational psychedelic music, talent, complexity, depth, rawness, wildness, energy, melancholy, life).
16h55 - Waking up. Idleness, opening the shutter, getting to the fridge to get some fresh water, drinking slowly, watching the sun crashing, the natural light going off, the myst rising with a colder air, helicopter noise, people outside, bunch of students walking down the street chattering loudly, a bell ringing from the church nearby (it's five o'clock in the afternoon, darkness is coming earlier and earlier), my reflection in the mirror, i haven't shaved for a week, i haven't showered, my hair are messy, i stink sweat, i'm not dressed, i'm wearing a mix of pajamas and sloppy clothes (hoody), i feel my heart pounding in my chest vehemently, waking up too, my mind starts crying for stimulation, i'm not sore, i say keep quiet, i have time to be active, nonchalantly i put few things in order (my coat was thrown in a corner i hang it in the closet, i close the bathroom door to get rid of the blowing made by the ventilation).
17h18 - I start a new book, Aragon : Le paysan de Paris, i read aloud while walking around, i like hearing the words, i feel it helps to create a duration of the images and concepts in the mind, i practice my diction, it dries out the throat, i've got a bottle of water close to me, i cover the surrounding noises with my voice, it helps to dive down in the story or ideas, and i lean and orientate the pages to catch the changing light as i move, i lift my head sometimes, i breath, i watch outside, i ponder what i read or simply recompose and calm myself before diving again, the sky is always of the most pretty at that time of the day out my window, (the remnant of the sun draws orange and pink hues from below on the clouds, it's like colored strates, so sharp and different, columns, waves and cotton).
17h58 - I hear the laugh of the neighbor, a young student girl speaking on the phone on her balcony, back from her day at the university. The sun is almost done, i want to ride, i want to exhaust sanely, i dress with casual sport clothes today, (i'm just lazy i pick up what's on the floor, what has already been used and will soon need to be washed, but not before many utilisations), sometimes it's jeans, sometimes i made the effort to pick a jogging pants with my grey water and wind proof coat, my weary sneakers and a scarf, i'm dressed like a slob, each time i'm almost shameful to go out like this, i hide in dusk, but i don't understand people who buy the perfect outfit to sweat in and who even put perfume and wash their hair right before going out to practice sport, to drip sweat in their neat and clean clothes, that will be a mess after one hour of activity, all is vanity in that human world, appearance is a master, and everyone is affraid to present an inch of practicality, because i think, yeah, my method, my mind is just practical on this, and i don't care to smell or dress nice if i have to go out for sport because in the end everybody is sweaty and messy.
Ok i'm set, my headphones on, (while pedaling and watching the view i will listen to that Eckhart Tolle lecture downloaded sooner : "Eckhart Tolle/ Stillness Amidst The World"), it's cold outside, it will take a few rounds to warm my mucles, but i feel it, my body wants to work, my mind wants to hear and understand, and my senses want to feel, (pretty lights, air on my cheeks, warmness on my chest and sweat dripping down my back), let's go.
18h16 - Going down to the garage.
19h47 - Back. The night fell during my ride out, i'm all sweaty, my body oozes vapor and warmth, i breath easily, i can ride days and nights, i consume so much energy, i'm a high energy type, in thinking and moving, (that's why i have to take naps), i undress, take off my shirt and get half naked, to allow my skin to respire and perspire, to dry and rest, my muscles are pumped up, i walk slowly to recover some calmness, i feel high, i'm keeping in good health, good shape, sharp and dynamic, i'm strong, thin and muscular, and i like it that way, it represents well my mentality, my way of life, i'd like that someone desires that body, to acknowledge it and touch it, but i wouldn't lend it away so easily, i want to feel too that my being is at peace.
That was a good ride, wild, without rules, with a lot of sense stimulations, smells (the scent of wood when passing along a sawmill, or faint smokes of cooked food going out of open windows) and sights (lights stuck on the ground or high on poles, and the creepy silhouette of mediteranean pine trees like giant and crooked hands over your head coming out of the dark), and also a good teaching, extract :
1:09:09 "The only way love can come into your life is through space, not through form, love has no form, and again in the egoic state love gets entangled with form, so you think you need only this form you love, not realizing that true love is the recognition of the formless in the other, which is the recognition of yourself in the other, and that is inseparable from looking upon the other in stillness, without a form arising and saying 'this is who she is or what she is', and if form still arises in your mind recognize it's only a thought it's not who that human being is, what beauty if you can recognize the formless in form."
20h07 - Time for a shower, it's when i'm really dirty that it's more enjoyable to get clean, even when there's no hot water, again it's mixing practical and the joy i choose to put in that moment. (yeah it's for each one to recognize when one considers himself dirty).
Funny fact i always shake like dogs do when i'm finished showering, to get rid of the more water drops hanging over my skin, so that when i use the towel afterwards it doesn't get all wet and it can dry faster.
20h24 - Done. And changed (i like the smell of clean clothes taken out of the wardrobe).
20h26 - Cooking (sliced carrot with glizzard cooked in the same pan, a piece of cheese, the other half of the apple, cake and chocolate). Eating while listening and secondly watching a video game walkthrough : Resident Evil 6 (a horror game), made as a series by this guy on the net : theRadBrad who is playing and loosely commenting the videos, it's nice to watch the original design, the effort of creating an environment, an atmosphere, the unbelievable (literally) action, zombies and slimy monsters, and learning about that brad guy as he speaks about his life and his girlfriend while playing, i think he is a gentle average person, like most of us, with a small popularity here on the net, but keeping the sincerity of what he is doing in that criticized field of video games, it's light and more enjoyable to me than formated, clean cut series and dramas that you find on tv, that way i practice my english too.
22h16 - Brushing teeth.(not interesting but that's a constant in my days).
22h26 - Time for leisure as i feel i want to play that game i picked up recently : Darksiders 2, such great modelling over the drawings of the famous Joe Madureira (note for later, read the biography and search documentaries about that guy), this is Art for me, plus it's fun to play, (i'm totally not in the world of comics, superheroes and stuff, i just enjoy the creative work of designers, that's why all this is just entertainment to me and so not something i would recommend if you want to know what's touching me deeply, still i can enjoy light stuff like that my own way eh).
1h16 - Stop. Wow! I usually don't play that much, but it's like when i read a book i have to stop at the end of a chapter to be square in my mind, it's like a routine, so that particular chapter in the game was that long and i persisted until i reach the end.
A little pause is needed, walking around, drinking fresh water, taking my eyes away from the screen and washing my face. I know at this hour my brother must be sleeping, i turn slightly down the power of my lamp thanks to a potentiometer, so the light doesn't disturb him by crawling under the door.
1h34 - There's this documentary about Walt Whitman that i saved in my favorites few days ago, let's try it. "Walt whitman : American Experience", i know nothing about him nor about the video makers, i didn't search any informations beforehand.
The images reconstructed are useless and quite bad to me (the images of nature are ok but don't carry much meaning with what is said to me, i like the old black and white photographs), i mostly close my eyes and listen to the english language, there's poetical readings i need to concentrate more to understand it, plus the spanish subtitles can be annoying as it attracts the gaze, but that documentary is only shared in that form so i'll make the best with it, what is said is rather interesting, the story of a place, of a time, of a life.
3h37 - (In the morning) End. Finally i enjoyed it, loose and sexual in the first third, it was emotional in the last, we experience the evolution of a man through time and the insane events caused by the community of Men. Usually i don't watch videos that long in one shot, that time i felt to stay up, it was a valuable trip.
Before going to bed, I take some more time to edit, re-read, and post that text online.
I quickly check my mails, as always, even though i never open anything before lying down, because it's no time to get stimulated, though by checking i do myself a little teasing, i can't resist.
5h00 (In the morning) - The bed is unfolded, the light is out, i'm resting on my belly, twisting my head on a side, no pillow. Sleep.
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