not half a person

If we only speak half of our thoughts we will only be understood half of ourselves, we have to explain who we are and what we want from others.

I felt bored seeing a friend for a long time now, we were always doing the same activities, nothing new around us to talk about and blow the embers of a satisfying conversation, and i realized i could change that, i could get what i wanted and still see that friend, i don't have to lie to him, pretend i'm busy when he calls asking to see me, it was so easy how could i never thought about it before, i was stuck in the thinking patern of pretending to be nice with him, so now i'm aware that i can change things around, i can change my world, i'm not stuck in a hamster wheel, i make the choice to speak real and to show what i am, no matter what people can think, i asked him i wanted to do something new with him, that i needed more sharing and to experience new things, and i don't need drastic changes, we simply decided on a new restaurant to try out, and that was a real pleasant time, i don't have to settle on looping situations if it doesn't fit me, i can change and choose what is fine with my real self.

and mE in this?!

I understand now why my mom wanted children so firmly in her youth, she had that much love to give, enough for four persons, to love fully... fully with all she is, sincerely, and that's a lot, that's three times and a half more than any individual, she had that much to give, and four persons couldn't even match and give back the love she gave, it's hard to feel satisfied when you give so much and getting only crumbles in return, that makes you humble, insecure, and live mostly through fictional stories and imagination.

And me... Me, i have that trait in myself too, it's hereditary, it's conditioning, but it was too much to handle, so i pretended i was indolent, heartless, i pretended i could never love anyone and no one could ever love me, i built theories and reasons to those "facts", i've hidden my feelings for others, for years and years, i denied it, and now it's consuming me, because as much as i want to give, i can't force others to give me back, and it makes me feel ignored and unimportant, i am like my mom a freak of love and sharing, i'm too much for others it seems, i wish i was charismatic and push people, without having to ask, to give me plenty, thanks to a beautiful face or popular skills, but i'm simply an outcast right now, a lovesick outcast in need for resilience, someone to echo what i can give, someone to tell me thruthfully that i am loved. (which is that i'm important, my opinions count, the person thinks about me and desires me and wants to share her true self with me, thoughts, ideas, opinions, fantasies... )
That's how i flourish, in true sharing of every emotions, that's how i feel it is worth to live, and i can give a lot, my need to share is humongous, endless.

(i don't want no solution, i can't go elsewhere, i don't want to go where my feelings aren't, i understand we all have a unique way to give and we all share differently, i know i need a lot because i'm giving a lot, so i can't wait i must go get what i need or i'll never be happy)

----- i wrote this some time ago, i feel i'm already over this, because i've accepted it, i'm proud of what i am and i'm sure i can do something for me and do the moves to get what and who i really, truly want ------

I will go to you!

Every time, she talks to me about horror movies
that's conspicuous
she's only searching for an excuse to grab my arm
and press herself against me
playing the scared girl
so i elude,
i pretend i don't know any good ones.

Right now i'm thinking about that,

because i'd like another one to ask me.

my force : my enthousiasm, my imagination, my passion!
my curiosity, my honesty, my respect!

minus : my fear of judgement, my fear of reject, my face
a clear lack of self confidence.

"We can do without truth and authenticity if we want to live lasting but unsatisfying relationships or satisfying but ephemeral relationships, but I don't think we can build a lasting and satisfying relationship without taking care of these two values ​​or two needs: truth and authenticity. "

little garden

A square wall of housings lining up that remote street, long, away, calm, lost, not tall, one storey high, on the shade of that one on the left a little garden with no fence, frail flowers delimit the small patch of lawn, a round little table in the center stood up, not wonderful, not pretty, but there, unique, solitary on the side of that long straight road, i knock on the window pane and swiftly the shadow of a face appears behind the glass, "me and my friend we've got tea and biscuits, will you let us enjoy the sight from your little garden, will you tell us your stories while we will tell you ours, share a snack and the weather with us on your little garden"

born with no grace

I could grab a knife or a razor and cut down my arm starting on the shoulder
I would go over and over, nervously, slowly, along the same line
letting my head spin, like a washing machine, and blend away the thoughts
in a swirl of poisoned blood, let it stain, persuasive
I'll accentuate the pain on purpose, till i'm numb, and vanish in unconsciousness
as if i could cleave by bits and scales, destroy the discomfort
by that punishment i deserve for letting myself hope with abandon
So gracefully
I will so gracefully cut off my weaknesses