a soothing smile vs the shame of uncontrollable disclosing

I'm on msn, writing my thoughts to that girl, Chloé she's called, it's a nonchalant discussion, i'm lying on my side, reading the text that pops up on my white screen and typing back, i can imagine her wiggling on her chair, sparkles in her smart eyes and a smile under that strange nose, i only saw her a couple of times in real life and the questions "how i got her msn?, and why am i chatting so casually with her?" swiftly cross my mind, but whatever i like that i feel a link between us, i kept in mind from the few meetings that she's dating a guy and that she's younger than me, hence the impetuous temper, but deeply anchored in goodness... my impression; i see images, in a flash, of a game we played in a field of bulged green grass, with all the group, in that short moment we spent together i had noticed she has something different, an aura of intelligence and sympathy, i'm sure she is sanely a good person, at heart;
So, we are chattering, she teases me sometimes on the straightness of my assumptions, i claim being tolerant but i put people in boxes with labels, all coated with my bitterness, she teases, she plays and i assume we both smile; suddenly, because of my bad position i lay my fingers randomly on the keyboard, on one of those pre-recorded keys that display an entire phrase, i typed : "i love you", a mistake my mind cries, something forbidden, i didn't want to cut the conversation with those serious words, quick i'm trying to explain, my hand slipped i didn't mean that, but i keep doing errors while typing, i can't get a correct sentence, i'm getting annoyed, i stand my bust straight in front of the computer, but no mean i'm still too nervous to type a decent line of apologies, i can't clear it up, and my heartbeats race as i see she's commenting that last line of mine, i'm ashamed that my unconscious revealed itself and now she knows and will go away, this link will be too demanding to preserve, we come from two different worlds; i read she teases me again, saying "and another stereotyped expression by François", but i can still feel the smile behind that reproach, i'm panicking but she hasn't changed the way she is at all, did she know i was under a spell, she seems so sure of herself, and what i remember is her acceptance smile.

Time to awake, like a nightmare will do.

Butter it down

Maybe i could learn to be indifferent by writting lame facts, little stories with not much sense, maybe that way i'll learn not to scorch myself in my feelings, let it pass, stop writing with that blood.
Spread the blackout.
Maybe that way my life will lose its importance enough for me to be more free.

Why, i can't be normal!

Today loneliness is like the need for lust to me, i want to discover people, i want girls to smile at me, everything around me looks pretty except myself, i want to be physically close, i want to experience the discovery of emotions with girls.

I'm tired of being wrong, carefullness is my doom right now.

Romance is everwhere in our modern world, in the dumbest, in the smartest movie, in every schoolyard, in every association of people, in every street, i feel like a left over, no one even ever tried me.

Disconnecting

I have a sentiment, we all mainly cross this life without knowing what being truly relieved is, happiness as a safe state, speak fast and proud, lying head down on the couch, wriggling, not using anything as it is originally designed, because we know we won't be judged as crazy or eccentric if we do, everyone in its own skin, feeling the unity of a gang, supported and loved, are we too often tired to be able to enjoy fully a moment, it is so brief, is it because others are different, they are not us, we are all so uselessly reserved, we expect too much and no one ever goes our way at will, randomly two persons take a step at the exact same time, they feel the rise, a perfect connection in one second, two are one and the understanding fills the air, that is the rare feeling of happiness, but why can't i have more often the relieve of talking what's in my mind, straigthly to someone, and not see the incomprehension or uneasiness in their glares, are we just too tired, in reality, sadly, mentally too weak, that we can't process and really understand when someone is revealing his heart, i'm tired of moving carefully, who am i trying to preserve, me or them....
Disconnecting is such a burden.

concert a la ferme septembre 2010

This will be my legacy

I have the feeling i won't do much in this life than this, maybe it's my climax, and soon comes the fall to oblivion.

A Projection Problem

For the mind who learnt to picture and create a complete vision from any things that come to it, and then can project an avatar with the same reasoning features as oneself, no place and no event is dull, that's the ability to put life and sense, to personally invent all kind of different worlds, even, for the most trained minds, from one tiny little hint, that's the power of imagination; unfortunately for those more grounded minds, those who can't project themselves, they'll need to have constantly new material objects, or bodies in their hands to remove the boredom intrinsic to every human life.