A green pasta delivery terrace, noises everywhere, yelling, thumping, loud insipid music.
-"I don't like people faking to be happy.", i say sullenly, spiting my bleak face at the swarming crowd, licked and shinny, walking in lines elbow to elbow.
-"But maybe they just aren't faking" my friend replies judiciously, passive on his chair.
-"Yeah! I'm just a jealous and fearful guy, i know!", i bark joyfully.
-"You're not a funny guy!"
I confirm :
-"No i'm not" thinking in myself :
"If only i could be proud of that!" Get a satisfaction of being the mood killer prick, but ironically i don't even enjoy to criticize gratuitously because i know too well the problem is me, not them.
(Back to my impregnable fort, alone in front of my computer, a song was shared with me, "i killed myself today", life punches me in the chest to let me know what i'm doing to others, damn, i used to love irony...)
you often say people would be better off being always honest, always speaking the exact truth of what is on their minds and hearts.
RépondreSupprimerwhen you said "I don't like people faking to be happy." what exactly did you want to communicate? What's underneath those words, a vulnerable and lonely feeling? (I feel alone seeing all the smiling people around./ I don't trust people showing their happiness because maybe they're all faking to belong./ I feel you don't make me happy./ I feel worried you might not want to spend time with me because I'm not acting happy around you./ I want you to share my appreciation of the things that make me happy, but I feel I can't tell you what that is because I can't stand being judged./ ... )
"I'm a jealous and fearful guy, i know" you said. What's underneath those words. (Show me I can be myself around you./ I'm not a smiling idiot, are you?/ Do you enjoy our time out together?/ I want to feel accepted and supported but I'm too manly to say that so I'm going to poke fun at myself./ ...)
"You're not a funny guy!"
"No i'm not" you respond, because the friend above didn't support you. ("I wish you said: You're not a funny guy but I'm here for you, let's talk about it.")
You set it up to hurt yourself, even the irony...see, like in this example you shared, you wanted to have a conversation about "why I don't want to fake happiness to belong" and you put a stop to it by using a joke (saying you're not a funny guy). You probably hoped your friend would continue the talk, but he plays along because that's the manly way... maybe if you were out with a girl she might have poked more fun at you and eventually get beyond concrete and talk about the feelings you felt in that moment.
Sorry if I seem to be putting my own feelings to go further with your words, it's a rush of thoughts and I wanted to say.
what I meant is: accusing yourself of being a mood killer is keeping you stuck in that mindset. It's telling yourself all the negative so you push people away when you need them the most. I think that because that's what I experience when I use self joking statements like that with friends and family.
RépondreSupprimerWhat you wrote is pretty accurate, really, i was in an enivronement that wasn't close to my values, people all dressed up and walking chin up proud of their looks, their stances, to seem confident facing others, talking loudly and taunting each others, to me it's so obvious it's only a façade, and i felt i wasn't belonging in that crowd, that i haven't the same values, the same idea of "how to be", and probably feeling attacked by all that, that means i depreciated myself face to all those people, i spoke it to my friend, harshly that's my way, because i was anxious, it was really one of the most difficult situation for me, to be lost in a partying crowd like that, really this is not me, but i followed my friend, and yeah he doesn't know what to say to disarm my fear, he's not into talking emotions like a lot of guys, so he didn't push me to developp more what i was feeling like you do here, and finally i thought i don't want to bother him by being grumpy so i turn it to a joke on myself and cut the discussion. Maybe i just wasn't out with the right person to support me, push me to get out my true feelings, talk about it and accept me, yeah sadly maybe.
RépondreSupprimerAll i wanted was sincerity to be me and accepted, that's just not possible to be true in a mass of people, because like me they lack confidence they are fearful, and to help them to face up they put on an act, they stick to the mass's rules, even against their true selves, buried, locked, oppressed inside, and me i'm fighting to be the real me always, but that's a lot to defy when everyone is playing the game and that you feel strongly that you don't want to be part of that masquerade, because what you want to share is sincerity, it's speaking your truth and hearing the truth of people back, i'm doomed but that's what i crave for, the sincerity of every moment in my life.
RépondreSupprimerBut that way is shadowed by greediness, ignorance and fear that rules human's behaviors.
maybe you can understand me.
RépondreSupprimerThat's what i feel, and that's why i'll never give up on you.
I can understand you because you express your thoughts clearly to me. I think, if you have more confidence and trust with yourself you could express yourself this openly with others in your life. I can't be the only one who understands. I don't believe that.
RépondreSupprimerYeah surely there are others on this planet who can understand and who want the same as me, so what, i want to know them all and i want to love them all.
RépondreSupprimerUntil i decide and she decides we will be one for each other.
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