It was an appeasing evening of a warm summer day. I was enjoying the blazing light beyond the horizon leaned on the edge of my balcony, almost daydreaming to the scenery like my wandering mind pushes me to. I was only wearing the down part of my pajamas, a bermuda shorts, simply happy to let the thick heated breeze twining around my naked torso, and feel the dirty dented floor beneath my bare feet.
I haven't noticed at first, so accustomed to be alone up there at this hour, but a girl had showed up on the contiguous balcony. I didn't know her. She threw me out of my reverie by a declicate but straight "Hello". All intimidated i was we started to talk. She herself too was wearing her night clothes, a pale colored shorts impudently underlining the base of her round buttocks, and a tight top of the same color with straps. Maybe because we were both revealing so much skin, caught by chance in intimate outfits that only very close people are supposed to see, we displayed no sign of uneasiness, and i haven't even thought about the indecency of the situation on the moment.
We talked until the sun hid completely behind the steeple afar, about many different subjects and we were at that point to disclose personal matters. She asked me about my age. The remaining light was playing on the sharp lines of my abdomen, the wind was messing up the curls of my hair, and my cheeks were prickly. I assessed she was a student, she could be twenty-one or twenty-two, maybe twenty-three, not much. I said : "i'm twenty-eight". Her eyes widened as her eyebrows lifted, marking horizontal wrinkles on her forehead, yet to be present with her inexpressive face, probably in a handful of years. She repeated struck by bewilderment : "you're twenty-eight", "you totally don't have the look of your age, i thought you were still a student".
I guess now that was a compliment, a way to say i was physically fine, but i replied at the time : "Oh that must be because of the skateboard you can see behind me, and the electric guitare you can hear sometimes when i play with my window open". I think we left to an incomprehension.
To be litterary this story should end here, but i want to point out how sometimes people can be so lost about the real meaning of others' words, and their self perception, that they search excuses for themselves, and sometimes don't accept the obvious.
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx0mxCQoEl0 )
I think the mind of a wanderer makes it difficult to see what's really there right in front of you. I too wander a lot and often don't appreciate what I have, what is right there in front of me, what is real and true because my mind is busy desiring something unattainable.
RépondreSupprimerMaybe you're supposed to think of all those missed experiences and convince yourself you were and still are worthy and desirable, and next time a pretty girl tells you a compliment accept it and tell her what's really on your mind.
I'm just supposed to let myself a chance to be what i am, to believe in the real me, with that body and that mind, not jump stupidly on everything that comes my way, but being able to define and search what is fine for the real me, it's made of a lot of different pieces, and when i find one or a bunch i'm naturally attracted to it.
RépondreSupprimerFrom all I know of you, I feel like you convince yourself almost everyone around is shallow and uninteresting when in fact that's just your protective mechanism to reject others because you fear being the one rejected. In this story for example, you had a nice talk on the balcony and if you felt it was a good time why didn't you ask that girl to talk again another day? Maybe you convinced you convinced yourself she had nothing you wanted, but in fact how can you know when you had only talked once. Maybe if you met again and had more time to get to know each other you could have made a friend.
RépondreSupprimerYou should let yourself be yourself around others, let others get to know you and get to know them, face to face with real people on your side of the world.
Sure i need to be more confident, to be able to get what i need here, but still things i like in people are hard to find in the common bunch and for me to feel totally satisfied depends on how people think and share, maybe i'm too demanding, maybe i'm don't let people around a chance and i judge them too quickly, but really i think i assess them very well and i don't see me satisfied when i discover their core, i'm not eager to find someone, i just want to find people i feel fine to share with, all i am, and who share back, but that is a difficult quest because i'm just not following the rules, self confidence is a hint, without falling into pretentioussness, we can't go to everybody, there are too many people on earth so we have to define what we want for our real self and that we can act respectfully for our personal well being, i say i know what i like in people, and it's not a pretty girl in her night clothes.
RépondreSupprimerisn't what you say applicable on you too?! i think so.
RépondreSupprimerMy situation is different, I already have the people I need in my life but I don't know myself and I don't believe in myself to take risks.
RépondreSupprimerSure the things we need, all of us, are in fact all around us if we have the guts to be ourselves and to go for it, i'm at that point where i don't believe in myself enough to take risks too, but i know a lot of parts that make what i am, and so what i like in people and everything around.
RépondreSupprimerhow can you know what satisfies you if you don't know yourself?!
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