When i was younger
i fantasized on being beaten up,
stabbed,
or involved in an accident,
hoping that people at last will see me
and pity me,
and someone will be then compelled to get close,
that was the only way i could imagine
to have a chance to prove i could be
lovable.
Unfortunately,
i never had that chance.
When you were younger you thought the only way someone could love you is if you were a victim. You thought someone could love you if you looked helpless and defeated, craving for someone to pick you up and save you. Save you from yourself?
RépondreSupprimerI'd say, it's not unfortunate you never had that chance...it's fortunate!
I probably was my own bully yeah! I'm wiser now, i know myself better and i know what i want, i just lost time, or i was waiting for understanding, i know now it was ridiculous to think like that, but maybe if something like that had happened i would have been revealed that this technique wasn't working and was totally unhealthy, the obvious risk was that i could be dead by now.
RépondreSupprimerNow i want to think healthy, i won't be confident all the time it's impossible, but i'll relativize and reason better, and i'm more sure about what i want and what triggers my feelings.