I always regretted leaving the hospital, for a year i made my marks, I was accustomed to this world, this sociéty in the Society, with its rules and codes, I was protected because considered as frail, I was surrounded by people whose job was to listen to me, I could ask for help at any time and help arrived nonetheless as soon as loneliness or despair spoiled my flesh; I was accustomed to this life locked up with my computer, my books and my guitar; but until now i did not understand why I thought of this period with nostalgia; the answer is simple : though I communicated very rarely with others, I was still among them, I could hear them talking and i could saw them moving, crying, laughing, I saw them in their distress, and this crippled humanity swarming around me allowed me in some measure to fight my own feeling of loneliness; now that I am free and nearly all by myself, stuck in my individualist's world, no one is here to see that I wither emotionally, and that loneliness pain my stomach; in this vicious circle between fear and vision of the world how to fight this loneliness?
I think I lost hope a little more every day and my heart suffers induration of my selfish thoughts.
(why this faces; because i thought it was pathetic enough to fit this text; the face i had when the loneliness came, i was about to cry because my stomach hurt)
We grow accustomed to being alone and thriving in our own loneliness. This painful loneliness goes unnoticed in the ordinary world, where strangers fear outwardly expressing emotions.
RépondreSupprimerI think your heart misses the hospital because it is a special environment where you felt a kind of constant flow of emotion (within yourself and your reaction to the emotion of others around you). The emotions fueled you and made loneliness a source of creation, rather than a destructor of hope.
When I think of my loneliness, I find that it becomes unbearable when I lack emotional connections with others. I need it for my survival, without sharing of emotion I become numb and silent. I realize it is because I expect very little, it is my way of never being disappointed. I cannot be disappointed if I have little to no expectations. I do not expect to feel happiness, so when something stirs my emotions and makes me feel happy I am astonished. I realize I lack motivation, I hide in isolation and expect emotions to come to me rather than go in search myself. Although I expect little, I seem to expect my needs to come to me.
In a hospital, when you felt you felt fragile and needed something others were there to help you. Perhaps you feel similar to my feelings, you lack confidence and motivation to seek what you need because you expect to be taken care of without making the first move?
I wish I knew how to fight this loneliness...