Once upon a time...

"Il se pourrait bien que je t'Aime."

This will go down in the History of my life.

(all messy after a long walk)

(my camera is broken... i wanted to speak it... )


"You know how there is only one -particular- woman in every man's life."

(My Mom used to say something like that)

In a mind i'm an idealized image, in reality i'm that thing, we react on fiddled imagination, reality is ugly.

easy pleasure

Hug a tree, rub your hands on the bark, enjoy the scent of nature.

I've got desire...

In me i'm lost

(reminder, one moment, for myself)

"I don't look in the mirror
I don't like what I see staring back at me
Everything is clearer
I'll never see what you see
It's not me
So beautiful and free
I'll never be what you need
Can't help at all
I was born so beautiful
But now I'm ugly

And I rot in my skin
As a piece of me dies everyday
I know I'm nothing
I know there's nothing I can say
To change
The judegment in their ways
I'll never be what you need
Can't help at all
My love was so beautiful
But now I'm ugly
Yeah...

I'm good enough, but I don't care
I'm good enough, but I'm not there
I'm good enough, but I don't care
The sun is out, but I'm not there

I'm good enough, but I don't care
The sun is out, but I'm not there
I'm good enough
I'm good enough

I don't look in the mirror
I don't like what I see staring back at me
Everything is clearer
I'll never see what you see
And I rot in my skin
As a piece of me dies everyday
I know I'm nothing
Because I'm ugly"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQHYn92kXM

the Beast

I refuse that love turns me dumb, i'll ask intelligibly, do you want of me, do you want to spend time with me, i want to hug you, i want to kiss you, do you want to come with me, in the moment i'll wait for a clear response, yes, no, and that's all, i'll be boundless in my propositions and heartless to refusals, if there are too much no's, a meaning will emerge, the matching, the sharing will be disputable, and i will make harsh choices, goodbye i need something else and you too;
Sure, moods and needs rarely match perfectly, and i don't want someone to do concessions on one's envies for me, i want sincerity, even from those who don't care for me, even those who could toughly push me away, what's important is the need of an instant. i want things simple and practical for everyone to reach out for his own bliss.
So,
do you
...
go on

i want love upholding, and not a matter of suffering.

love is a beast

Near nothing

In the course of the next year i'll probably shave my head, i know i won't support myself without it, i'll loathe myself even more, when that time will come i will be near the end.
fast and savage.

(teenage angst in me:)


"le pessimiste doit s'inventer chaque jour d'autre raisons d'exister : c'est une victime du "sens" de la vie" emile cioran

Active learning low

In the way we communicate, through distance, we can only share what we already know, the subjects we already learnt about in the past days, we present ourselves with well formed opinions; the sharing we lack mainly is the discovery of some new knowledge together in a same moment, like going to an unknown place for both of us, or watching an unseen movie yet, or commenting on an event unraveling before our very eyes in the present, we can't share the path of learning together;
I would have enjoyed so much to propose you to go see a movie, or visit a place, or eating at a random restaurant, or anything new and simple, just to share the pleasure of novelty with you (nothing fancy i fear, though my mind isn't shut to bungee jump from a bridge or riding a full speed jet ski, or whatever daring and wild ... holding you tight), the simplicity of new experiences with your companionship.
This will enrich even more our communications and
despite all my self hatred,
this is something i crave,
being with you in space and time, in the fluctuations, the informations, and choices of one instant.